From: Jeff Hildebrand Subject: New filks. To: cdanfor1 Date: Mon, 21 Sep 92 15:07:44 CDT X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11] Have some filks. :) There was a party for first year grad students last Saturday and they had a musical comedy revue which featured the following songs. A couple of them were actually contributed by me from the existing filk files (only one credits it at the top, but the other one I donated was the one right after it). If you want explanations for these, ask. -Jeff Forwarded message: > From pemantle Mon Sep 21 12:24:30 1992 > Date: Mon, 21 Sep 92 12:24:28 CDT > From: Robin Pemantle > Message-Id: <9209211724.AA07038@schaefer.math.wisc.edu> > To: hildebra@math.wisc.edu > > > To everyone that requested it: here is the list of lyrics for the > songs we sang at the party Saturday. > > *************************************************************************** > > To the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" from > Gilbert and Sullivan's PINAFORE; words by Hurwitz? Forwarded by Mike Hirsch > > > I build a better model than the one at Data General, > For databases vegetable, animal and mineral. > My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality. > My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. > My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity; > You needn't even bother checking out a bit for parity. > There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting. > My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. > I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: > There's lots of space in memory for variables floating-point. > Which shows for input vegetable, animal and mineral, > I build a better model than the one at Data General. > > The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal. > At Prime they still have problems with an interactive terminal. > While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean, > At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in. > Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort, > The Timex-Sinclair crashes when you implement a bubble sort. > All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well. > And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac and Honeywell? > By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive, > I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive. > In short, for input vegetable, animal and mineral, > I build a better model than the one at Data General. > > In fact, when I've a Winchester of minimum diameter, > When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter, > When I can point to registers and keep their current map around, > And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound, > When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering, > And when I can afford to use 100K for buffering, > When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate, > You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate. > Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively > Have only been obtained through expert spying done subversively, > Still for input vegetable, animal and mineral, > I build a better model than the one at Data General. > > > "Where are the zeros of zeta of s?", to the tune of "Sweet Betsy from > Pike"; words by Tom Apostol > > > Where are the zeros of zeta of s? > G.F.B. Riemann has made a good guess, > They're all on the critical line, sai he, > And their density's one over 2pi log t. > > This statement of Riemann's has been like trigger > And many good men, with vim and with vigor, > Have attempte to find, with mathematical rigor, > What happens to zeta as mod t gets bigger. > > The efforts of Landau and Bohr and Cramer, > And Littlewood, Hardy and Titchmarsh are there, > In spite of their efforts and skill and finesse, > (In) locating the zeros there's been no success. > > In 1914 G.H. Hardy did find, > An infinite number that lay on the line, > His theorem however won't rule out the case, > There might be a zero at some other place. > > Let P be the function pi minus li, > The order of P is not known for x high, > If square root of x times log x we could show, > Then Riemann's conjecture would surely be so. > > Related to this is another enigma, > Concerning the Lindelof function mu(sigma) > Which measures the growth in the critical strip, > On the number of zeros it gives us a grip. > > But nobody knows how this function behaves, > Convexity tells us it can have no waves, > Lindelof said that the shape of its graph, > Is constant when sigma is more than one-half. > > Oh, where are the zeros of zeta of s? > We must know exactly, we cannot just guess, > In orer to strengthen the prime number theorem, > The integral's contour must not get too near 'em. > > > The physicist's lament -- to the tune of "Clouds" by Joni Mitchell; words > by William Hughes; contributed by Jeff Hildebrand from the Swarthmore > filk finds. > > Extremely tiny billiard balls > exert a force on every wall. > moving much too fast to fall: > I've looked at light that way. > But now this doesn't seem to fit, > when looking through a double slit. > And shadows blur a little bit > with this peculiar ray. > > I've looked at light from both sides now, > from speck and wave, and still somehow, > it's light's illusions I recall. > I really don't know light at all. > > Moving steady as can be, > with lots of simultaneity. > A smooth increase in entropy: > I've looked at time that way. > But near the speed of light, I've found, > all rates of change start slowing down, > while antimatter turns things round, > and goes the other way. > > I've looked at time from both sides now, > from where and when, and still somehow, > it's just equations I recall. > I really don't know time at all. > > Yellows, red and sometimes blue, > just u's and d's will nicely do > to give protons and neutrons too: > I've looked at quarks that way. > But lambdas now are acting strange. > They're taking much too long to change. > For something's lost if something's gained, > during their strong decay. > > I've looked at quarks from both sides now > from up an down, and still somehow, > it's only hadrons I recall. > I really don't know quarks at all. > > > "A Mathematician's progress", to the tune of "When I was a lad" from > Gilbert and Sullivan's opera PINAFORE. Words by Hurwitz? > > When I was a lad and went to school > arithmetic was taught by rote and rule; > I did long division and I learned cube root; > at the rule of three I was especially astute. > I was so astute at the rule of three > that now I am the holder of a Ph.D. > (He was so astute at the rule of three > that now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) > > In high school geometry I made my mark; > the teachers called me a regular shark. > I memorized theorems through and through; > originals I never was required to do. > I committed so much to memory > that now I am the holder of a Ph. D. > (HE committed so much to memory > that now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) > > I chose college courses carefully: > the first digit had to be less than three. > By arranging for my courses to intersect, > I avoided putting pressure on my intellect. > I arranged so much redundancy > that now I am the holder of a Ph.D. > (He arranged so much redundancy > that now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) > > The faculty though that I was such a jerk, > I was obviously destined for graduate work. > They gave me a job to earn my pelf, > by teaching younger morons like myself. > I taught those morons with such esprit > that now I am the holder of a Ph.D. > (He taught those morons with such esprit > that now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) > > Oh they had a silly rule that a thesis was required, > so a found a kind professor whose assistance I desired; > he said, "Do this," and he said, "Do that," > and he had my thesis finished up in two months flat. > It was not a brilliant thesis, but it didn't have to be > so now I am the holder of a Ph.D. > (it was not a brilliant thesis, but it didn't have to be, > so now he is the holder of a Ph.D.) > > All that remained was my defense; > the questioning was less than intense. > the profs all said I made a very bad show, > but I knew as much at present as I ever would know. > So in order to be rid of me, > they finally had to let me have a Ph.D. > (So in order to be rid of he, > they finally had to let him have a Ph.D.) > > Now students all, both far and near, > if you are thinking of an academic career, > if you don't want to teach in a secondary school, > be careful to be guided by this golden rule. > Don't ever try to show originality, > and you all may be holders of a Ph.D. > (Don't ever try to show originality, > and you all may be holders of a Ph.D.) > > > Math 134 (223) > > To the tune of "Blowing in the wind"; words by Bruce Pollack-Johnson; > contributed by Robert Wilson (rjw@prodigal.psych.rochester.edu) > > How many times must a teacher explain > before students understand "e"? > How many brains must one student have > to comprehend infinity? > Yes, and how many functions can these math folks invent > before driving students to their knees? > The answer my friends, ain't in the back of the book > the answer's in math 134 > > How many terms must a student expand > to get an acceptable error? > How many methods must one student learn > before integration's not a terror? > Yes, and how many verses will it take 'til I learn > that I'm not as good as Tom Lehrer > The answer... > > -Robert > rjw@cvs.rochester.edu > > > "I've got a little list"; to the corresponding tune in Gilbert and > Sullivan's opera "The Mikado"; words by Mark Wilson > > As some day it may happen that the budget must decay, > I've got a little list - I've got a little list, > Of mathematical offenders who might well be sent away, > And who never would be missed - who never would be missed! > > > There's the pestilential lecturers who won't define their terms, > Like CLT-groups, n-jets and biholomorphic germs . > All speakers who can't tell the time or see you're there no more, > All speakers who wish earnestly to chitchat with the floor, > And the picture-drawing low-dimensional topologist, > They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! > > CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list, > And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of them be missed. > > There's the nonsmoking crusader and the others of his race, > And the all-but physicist - I've got him on the list! > All category jugglers who would live in twistor space, > They never would be missed, they never would be missed! > The people who embark on proofs without hypotheses, > Insert, delete and alter them in any way they please. > The hapless student who believes on every single day, > "if P yields Q then Q yields P", and then demands an 'A'. > And those singular anomalies, applied set theorists, > I don't think they'd be missed - I'm sure they'd not be missed! > > CHORUS. He's got them on the list - he's got them on the list, > And I don't think they'd be missed - I'm sure they'd not be missed! > > And that outgrowth of heuristics who the calculus would save, > The nonstandard analyst - I've got him on the list! > All axiom-stretchers, lemma freaks , and definition slaves, > They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed. > And insufferable support staff of an antisocial kind, > Such as what-d'ye call her, thing-em-bob, and likewise - never mind. > And 'St-'St-'St- and What's-her-name, and also You-know-who - > The task of filling in the blanks I'd rather leave to you. > But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, > For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! > > CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list; > And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em be missed! > > > To the tune of "My eyes are fully open" ffrom Gilbert and Sullivan's > opera RUDDIGORE; words by Robin Pemantle > > > My eyes are fully open to my awful situation: > work for business, wear a suit, get only ten days of vacation, > and the fact that I'll be getting almost twice the compensation > doesn't even start to balance out the moral indignation. > For the letters I got back from every hiring committee > said in essence, tinged with varying expressions of their pity, > "Though we've never seen a thesis that was better typed or fatter, > if you were to die tomorrow, sir ... this work just wouldn't matter." > > sir, this work just wouldn't matter > sir, this work just wouldn't matter > sir, this work just wouldn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter! > > After passing all my quals, I started studying connections > between holomorphic localized commutative transvections > and the inverse limit complex they induce by intersections > but, alas, all the examples have thus far escaped detection. > So I switched into the area of meta-mathematics, > where I found a universal form for third-degree quadratics. > Now I'm mad as a logician, madder still than any hatter, > and my discourse is reduced from math to infantile chatter. > > math to infantile chatter > math to infantile chatter > math to infantile chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter! > > If I had been so lucky as to have a good advisor > who was just a little older, grayer, richer, smarter, wiser, > who could give me good direction when he saw me start to wander > from those fields of mathematics of which NSF is fonder, > Then I might have had a job at an upstanding institution, > gotten tenure, won a medal for "distinguished contribution" -- > as it is this rapid, vapid, unintelligible patter > isn't generally heard and if it is it doesn't matter! > > if it is it doesn't matter > if it is it doesn't matter > if it is it doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter! > > > To the tune of Glory Glory Halleluja (From U. Chicago Beer party > > Analysts, topologists, geometers agree: > When it comes to generality, there's none like Bourbaki! > One theorem by them will equal N by you and me, > Bourbaki goes marching on! > > Chorus: > Glory, glory halleluja, > Their generality will fool ya-- > They're axiomatically peculiah! > Bourbaki goes marching on! > > To prove that two plus two is four, here is what they do: > They show that A plus B is C if A and B are 2; > We know that C is half of D and D is four times 2, > Bourbaki goes marching on! > > [Chorus] > > They commenced to write a book to train young analysts, > but in filling in foundations, they encountered many twists. > Now their dream to end in finite time has vanished in the mists, > Bourbaki goes marching on! > > [Chorus] > > Algebras and groups and rings suffice for you and me -- > cogebras and bigebras abound in Bourbaki; > functors contravariant, defined by their degree, > Bourbaki goes marching on! > > [Chorus] > > In the glory of the twenties came to be homology: > those groups of Emmy Noether which transfigured you and me. > As she tried to make them cyclic, Bourbaki has made them free! > Borbaki goes marching on! > > [Chorus] > > > > > -- Jeff Hildebrand, The Shaggy TA hildebra@math.wisc.edu "Join that political superman, secret agent double 0 zero, George Bosh in his new film, 'Never Just Say No Again.'" Off The Cuff, R.I.P. "Did everyone buy that? Good, 'cause I didn't" The Proof By Snow Job