Lyrics: Randall Garrett
In the future when the towns are caves of steel
For it seems that there's some guys from outer space
(They're descendants of the Terran human race)
And all over Terra's globe it seems they're giving jobs to robots
That are hated by the people they replace.
So a certain Spacer, Sarton, gets rubbed out
And the Chief says to Elijah, be a scout
Go and find out just whodunit, and although it won't be fun it
Would result in your promotion without doubt.
The assignment puts Elijah on the spot
He must do the job, all right. If he does not
It will not only disgrace him, but the robot will replace him
If the robot is the first to solve the plot.
In the city there's a riot at a store;
R. Daneel jumps on a counter and before
Bailey knows, pulls out his blaster. Then he bellows, "I'm the master
Here, so stop it or I'll blow you off the floor!"
So the riot's busted up before it starts
And Elijah's wounded ego really smarts
Well, he says, you quelled that riot, but a robot wouldn't try it
Dan, I think you've got a screw loose in your parts.
Bailey doesn't see how R. Daneel could draw
Out his blaster, for the first robotic law
Says, No robot may, through action or inaction, harm a fraction
Of a whisker of a human being's jaw.
Since Daneel, the robot, has a human face
And he looks exactly like the guy from space
Who has been assassinated, Mr. Bailey's quite elated
For he's positive he's solved the murder case.
The Commissioner, he says, has been misled
'Cause there hasn't been a murder -- no one's dead.
"Why you did it I don't know but I don't think that you're a robot,
I am certain you are Sarton, sir, instead."
"Why, that's awful silly, Partner," says Daneel.
"And I'm awfully sorry that's the way you feel."
Then peeling back his skin, he shows Elijah that within, he
Is constructed almost totally of steel.
Well, of course, this gives Elijah quite a shock.
So he thinks the whole thing over, taking stock
Of the clues and their relation to the total situation.
Then he goes and calls a special robot doc.
Says Elijah Bailey, "Dr. Gerringel,
This here murder case is just about to jell,
And to bust it open wide, I'll prove this robot's homicidal:
Look him over, Doc, and see if you can tell."
So the doctor gives Daneel a thorough test
While the robot sits there calmly self-possessed.
"After close examination, his First Law's in operation,"
Says the doctor, "You can set your mind at rest."
That leaves Bailey feeling somewhat like a jerk,
But Daneel is very difficult to irk.
He just says, "We can't stand still, or we will never catch the killer,
Come on, Partner, let us buckle down to work."
Now the plot begins to thicken, as it should,
It's the thickening in plots that makes them good.
The police chief's robot, Sammy, gives himself the double whammy
And the reason for it isn't understood.
The Commissioner says, "Bailey, you're to blame.
Robot Sammy burned his brain out, and I claim
That from every single clue, it looks as though you made him do it."
Bailey hollers, "No! I didn't! It's a frame!"
Then he says, "Commish, I think that you're the heel
Who's the nasty little villain in this deal.
An' I'll tell you to your face, Sir, that I think you killed the Spacer
'Cause you thought he was the robot, R. Daneel."
The Commissioner breaks down, and mumbles, "Yes,
I'm the guy who did it, Bailey. I confess."
Bailey says, "I knew in time you would confess this awful crime. You
Understand, of course, you're in an awful mess."
The Commissioner keels over on the floor.
When he wakes, R. Daneel says, "We're not sore.
Since the crime was accidental, we'll be merciful and gentle.
Go," he says in solemn tones, "and sin no more."
Then says Bailey to the robot, with a grin,
"It was nice of you to overlook his sin.
As a friend I wouldn't trade you. By the Asimov who made you,
You're a better man than I am, hunka tin!"
The yeoman she got stewed.
She danced in the corridor nude.
They had to send for Spock to take her away.
Oh, what a waste.
He is so chaste.
The captain really missed out on something that day.
Chorus: So start up the starship drive.
They're roasting Chekov alive.
Send for Captain Kirk--He's down on the deck.
With whom does he neck?
He gives not a heck.
Between those bedsheets
He's willing to dive.
Oh, Christine, she was grey.
She asked Mr. Spock for a lay.
Send for Doctor McCoy--give him a call.
She's off her wall.
For any she'll fall.
The line in the corridor is longer each day.
Oh, Spock once suddenly said,
"I wish everyone here were dead!"
The doctor had to sedate him to take him away.
It was so strange.
He was so deranged.
The crew just guessed that it wasn't his day.
[Sing the given line of each verse three times, followed by "ear-lye in the morning," except as shown.]
What do you do with a drunken Wookiee?
Let him win and he'll be happy.
Way, hey, and throw the game.
What do you do with a drunken Solo?
Give him a mirror and he'll be happy.
Way, hey, and up he rises.
What do you do with a drunken princess?
Give her a Luke and she'll be happy.
Way, hey, and up Luke rises.
What do you do with a drunken Vader?
Let him kill and he'll be happy.
Way, hey, maim and cripple.
What do you do with a Tusken raider?
Run like Hell, ask questions later.
Way, hey, 'cause he might kill you.
What do you do with a stubborn R2?
Give him to Obi, he'll be happy.
Way, hey, and he'll show pictures. [Repeat this line once.]
Way, hey, dirty pictures.
Ear-lye in the morning.
What do you do with a plastic Death Star?
Steal it from the Fox and sell it for a million.
Way, hey, the Force is with us.
Met him in a swamp down-a Dagobah way
Where a Jedi lives, of retirement age and much olda
O-L-D-A, olda.
He walked up to me and he asked for my lamp
I asked him his name and in a high-pitched voice he said "Yoda"
Y-O-D-A, Yoda.
Well, I'm not dumb but I don't see the cause
Why he walked like a lizard and talked like Frank Oz
Oh, my Yoda
Y-O-D-A, Yoda.
Well, I'd left Hoth just a week before
And I'd never seen a talking muppet before
Yoda smiled, looked me in the eye
Said, Luke boy, gonna make you Jedi
Well, I'm not the world's most physical guy
But when he jumped on my back he nearly broke my spine
Oh, my Yoda
Y-O-D-A, Yoda.
I looked away
I strapped on my gun
I fought a duel and I won
Then I looked on his face
Yoda got me out of that place
Well, that's what I want 'til the day I die
I always wanted to be Jedi
Like my Yoda
Vader's my daddy and I don't know my mom
The force's with me and I can't go wrong
With my Yoda
Jack knife and yo-yo and things I find handy,
Grubby white bag full of bright colored candy,
My sonic screwdriver and bugs that I've found,
These are the things that I carry around!
Chorus: When they caught me,
And they searched me,
This is what they found--
My captors were simply amazed to behold
The things that I carry around!
Half eaten apples and wires and gears,
A diary with entries for five hundred years,
Etheric detector and string wrapped around,
These are the things that I carry around!
(chorus)
Hypnotic crystal and hanky with knot in,
Ginger pop bottle and things I've forgotten,
Toffee tin spyglass, and stray English Pound,
These are the things that I carry around!
(chorus)
When we pulled into Argo port in need of R. and R.,
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar.
We had high expectations of their hospitality,
But found too late it wasn't geared for spacers such as we.
Chorus: And we're banned from Argo, every one.
(Yes, we're) Banned from Argo just for having a little fun.
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four,
But Argo doesn't want us anymore.
The Captain's tastes are simple, but his methods are complex.
We found him with five partners, each of different world and sex.
The Shore Police were on their way--we had no second chance.
We beamed him up in the nick of time--and the remnants of his pants.
{Chorus}
Our Engineer would yield to none at putting down the brew.
He outdrank seven space marines and a demolition crew.
The Navigator didn't win, but he outdrank almost all,
And now they've got a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall.
{Chorus}
Our proper, cool First Officer was drugged with something green,
And hauled into an alley where he suffered things obscene.
He sobered up in sickbay and he's none the worse for wear,
Except he's somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear.
{Chorus}
The Head Nurse disappeared awhile in the major Dope Bazaar,
Buying an odd green potion "guaranteed to cause Pon-Farr"
She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart,
And a painful way of walking--with her feet a yard apart.
{Chorus}
Our lady of communication won a ship-wide bet
By getting into the planet's main communications net.
Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen,
The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen.
{Chorus}
The Doctor loves Humanity; his private life is quiet.
The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot.
We found him in the city jail, locked in and beamed him free--
Intact except for hickeys and six kinds of V.D.
{Chorus}
Our Helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too.
He took some down on leave with him, and we wondered what they'd do.
'Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life
That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!
{Chorus}
A gang of pirates landed, and nobody seemed to care.
They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.
Half our crew was busy there, and invited them to play,
But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away.
{Chorus}
Our crew is Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride.
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide.
We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;
At least we're sure that planet won't be quick forgetting us!
{Chorus}
In Middle Earth there is a tavern on the Eastern road.
There travelers find its tables full of cheer;
And when the innkeeper brings the beer
He may bend an ear.
In Middle Earth well hidden deep in the Old Forest's trees
Tom Bombadil maintains a house of cobbled stone
To which he brings Goldberry home
From the river's edge--to his bed.
Chorus: Middle Earth, beneath the stars, below the sun
Where the seedling of Telperion is planted;
Elsewhere back
In Middle Earth there is a hobbit in a hobbit-hole
He keeps it clean although it's dug into the ground.
And though he spends a lot of time in town,
Still he's been around.
In Middle Earth there is a wizard with a staff of oak;
His flowing beard is colored like new-fallen snow,
His fireworks light up the fields below,
And his smoke-rings glow.
Chorus: Middle Earth, beneath the stars, below the sun
A wonder where the Morland waters run ere sunlight
Meanwhile back
In Middle Earth the wizard smokes his pipe contentedly
We see the hobbits walking humming to the inn
And then old Bombadil rushes in
From the river's edge--to his bed.
Hello, Mr. Spock, my friend.
I've come to talk with you again.
What's this I hear of the Pon Farr?
I don't think you know quite where you are.
And this 'klee-fah' you've been yelling 'round the ship
And your grip...
Makes me want the sound of silence.
Shall we speak of poor Christine
Poor Earth girl who had a dream
Of sharing some love and devotion
With a man who had no notion
Of love, and hate and all the rest,
Well, at best...
We've got the sound of silence.
And the doctor, Bones McCoy,
Saw Christine and said, "Oh, boy,
Do you have your contraceptive loop?
The way that Spock just threw your plomik soup
Indicates there's something in the wind:
(four, five, six... oh, my God!)
No more sound of silence."
Especially every seven years,
Mr. Spock goes off his gears,
Hear the sound of cloth a-ripping!
Hear the Vulcan maidens screaming!
And the bodies are littering the deck...
....Oh, what the heck!...
We got the sound of silence.
Now Mr. Spock is in a trance.
Oh, my, he seems to've lost his pants...
But look how his face is smirking.
I guess he feels this does beat working.
Although the girl underneath the Vulcan's bed
Does seem dead...
(Spoken): It's been seven years, y'know,
Even a science officer needs relief.
We've got the sound of silence.
In the chronicles of Amber, Zelazny gave to me
Mad Dworkin who began the family.
King Oberon and,
Osric the dead,
Findo who rebelled,
Grim Benedict,
Jade-haired Llewella,
Corwin our hero,
Deirdre the lovely,
Bleys who fell from Kolvir,
Fiery Fiona,
Brand in his tower,
Julian of Arden,
Matronly Flora,
Gigantic Gerard,
Caine who was murdered,
Ever random Random,
A Trump for each offspring,
Pattern holds the Power,
The Jewel of Judgment,
Lord Rein the harper,
Ganelon the vassal,
Martin misbegotten,
Hell-maiden Dara,
Creatures from Chaos,
Lighthouse of Cabra,
Amber unchanging,
Rebma reflected,
Unicorn rampant,
Total confusion!
There's an amoeba stalking the starship
And if it catches us, what shall we do?
There's an amoeba stalking the starship
And if it catches up, STAR TREK is through!
Fire the phaser banks
Raise the deflector shields
Send out the shuttlecraft
We will not yield!
(repeat above 4 lines)
Mr. Spock must go out
In the shuttlecraft all bravely
While the captain cowers knavely
(repeat above 2 lines)
In the ship, in the ship
Mr. Spock must make the trip.
Wouldn't It Be Logical
Words: Gail Pittaway
Music: "Wouldn't It Be Loverly"
All I want is a ship somewhere
Far away from the purebred stare
Silence, research, warm air
Oh, wouldn't it be logical?
Lots of species for me to meet
Plomeek soup there for me to eat
Coffee, salads, no meat
Oh, wouldn't it be logical?
Oh, so logically working on the bridge
With Captain Kirk.
I would never say that he's
Occasionally a jerk.
Captain's braid there upon my sleeve
All the credits that I'd receive
Christine, pon farr, shore leave
Oh, wouldn't it be logical, logical,
Logical, lovely, logical?
Somewhere inside this starship
Must be booze.
No one could chance to run out,
Not on a five-year cruise.
Somewhere outside this rec room
We'll explore.
Maybe inside Kirk's stateroom
We'll find a little more.
Oh we can go so far below
that Kirk and Spock won't even try
to find us.
Where we can find the space to build
and all the parts to make a still
and they can't stop us.
Somewhere in this dry starship
We will go
Find who's hidden the hard stuff.
Where even we don't know.
If Kirk and crew can drink their brew
and even Scotty
Oh why, oh why can't I?!
Hooray for Frodo Baggins
The Middle Earth explorer!
"I just got back from Mordor!"
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
He went to Sauron's castle
But there he did not linger
"I lost my little finger!"
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Chorus: 'Twas he who closed the door on
The evil age of Sauron
So don't call him a moron--
"Hey, hey!"
With elves and trees and Samwise
He fought at Barad-Duin--
"It nearly was my ruin!"
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
We'll sing his praises loudly,
For Frodo is our hero--
"I'd rather have some bheer-o!"
Hooray, hooray, hooray! CHORUS
Hooray for Frodo Baggins
The Middle Earth explorer
He did his thing
Destroyed the Ring
And that is why we sing:
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
Security
Oh what the heck came over me
To sign on in Security?
I believe in immortality.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Someone has just phasered me.
Oh, I am in Security.
Why I have to go
I don't know, Spock wouldn't say.
Landing parties just won't go
'Less I'm there to lead the way.
Security.
Mine's a short life expectancy.
I will be the next fatality.
Oh, someone please transfer me
The Lord above put demons in their places,
Penned Cthulu in the slime below.
The Lord above put demons in their places, but
With the Necronomicon,
With the Necronomicon,
Your contact with their world will grow.
With the Necronom--, with the Necronom--,
With the Necronomicon their touch will grow.
With the Necronom--, with the Necronom--, with the Necronomicon.
The Lord above gave man a mind and senses
To know the things that man was meant to know.
The Lord above gave man a mind and senses, but
With the Necronomicon,
With the Necronomicon,
Who knows where the mind of Man will go?
With the Necronom--, with the Necronom--,
With the Necronomicon Man's mind will go.
With the Necronom--, with the Necronom--, with the Necronomicon.
The Lord above intended Earth to progress,
Higher species to arrive in time.
The Lord above intended Earth to progress, but
With the Necronomicon,
With the Necronomicon,
You can turn Earth back to primal slime.
With the Necronom--, with the Necronom--,
With the Necronomicon you'll turn to slime.
With the Necronom--, with the Necronom--, with the Necronomicon.
If we don't blow up this deathstar, we'll catch hell.
If we don't blow up this deathstar, we'll catch hell.
There will be a sudden shock and a lot of flying rock.
If we don't blow up this deathstar, we'll catch hell.
While diving toward the deathstar, doing one hundred per,
I called to Red Group leader, "Oh, won't you help me sir?
I'm being chased by Vader, his laser's homed on me --
Help me, Red Group leader, send an X-wing please."
Chorus:
Hallelujah, oh hallelujah, throw a credit on the grass,
Save a rebel pilot's ass
Hallelujah, oh hallelujah, throw a credit on the grass
And you'll be saved.
(spoken:) And he said to me, "You're the son of a Jedi knight, you think of something."
My engine's overheating, my fuel is running low,
My forward screens aren't working, my R-2's much too slow
"Help me Red Group leader, you see I'm turning pale
Mayday, mayday, mayday, three tie fighters on my tail."
(chorus)
(spoken:) And I heard a voice saying "Give up! Give up!" And that really scared me 'cause it sounded like Ben Kenobi.
They said to start my run now, I said "Yes, sir, of course."
They said to use computers, he said to use the Force.
I don't know what the Force is, I only know I'm scared.
"Help me, Red Group leader, I wish I'd come prepared."
(chorus)
(spoken:) Well, don't blame me, you're the one who said your life was getting boring.
Kenobi looked at me and shook his head.
He laid his saber down, and then he said,
"You are awful clumsy, and there isn't much hope.
The Force isn't with you; let's try a little dope."
He took some serum from a jawa's spleen
And Alderanian amphetamine.
He said, "This is the stuff that'll really do it fine.
The ancient Jedi formula: Force Potion #9."
He bent down and turned around and gave me a wink.
He said, "I'm gonna make it up right here in the sink."
It smelled like Wookie piss and looked like India ink.
I held my nose; I closed my eyes;
I took a drink.
I didn't know if it was day or night.
I started pushing every button in sight.
I got a big rush like I never had before,
And when I came to, they said I had won the war.
It looks bad; it tastes bad; it really does stink.
But still makes me feel good as quick as a wink.
The Force is with me and I don't have to think.
I hold my nose; I close my eyes;
I take a drink.
So I stay ready if there is a new war,
But now I don't want Leia any more,
And somehow Chewbacca's looking better all the time.
I wonder what they're putting in Force Potion #9.
There is a bar called Callahan's; it's really quite a place.
There's aliens there every night, from every world and race.
And when the puns start flying, as they do at quite a rate,
Not even steel-jawed robots can quite keep their faces straight.
Chorus: Spider, oh Spider, why won't you tell us where
Callahan's is hidden? Then we'll do our drinking there.
A time traveller comes in each week and buys a couple beers.
He drinks them down, then taps his belt and promptly disappears.
Next week, same time, he's back again, still potted to the ears;
He's been on one long bender for some twenty thousand years.
Chorus
There is a guy with funny eyes, his name is Michael Finn.
He carries quite an arsenal 'round underneath his skin.
His masters had him programmed, once, to do the whole earth in;
And the only thing that stopped him was a glass of homemade gin!
Chorus
A frigid-blooded Nadreck-type who wandered in one night
Announced to one and all that he was looking for a fight.
Mike said "I'll have no fighting here, in any shape or form!"
And with a single mighty blow, he knocked the fellow...warm?
Chorus
A large gray wolf paced to the bar, and ordered in a growl.
Mike dusted off an old brown jug; he gave a joyful howl.
One swallow and there stood a man. 'Twas quite a trick to pull,
But the liquor it was moonshine and the bottle it was full!
Chorus
Doc Webster, feeling gene-ial, once told us of the day
He mixed vegetable chromosomes with canine DNA.
He crossed Lassie with a cantaloupe. Said Mike, "So what'd you get?"
"Why, a melon-collie baby... and one hell of a startled vet!"
Chorus
In Arkham town we have some names
For certain lurking hoodoos
Like Yog-Sothoth and Azathoth;
But we call the boss Cthulu.
CHORUS: Cthulu, Cthulu.
We call the boss Cthulu.
They are a lost and lonely race.
For while the Green Star binds them
They cannot leave their hiding place.
I hope you never find them. CHORUS
Cthulu rules the human race
He sends them dreadful nightmares.
Cthulu rules the human race
He's got us by the short hairs.CHORUS
My mother was the Keeper of the Arilinn Tower.
She seduced a chieri with a kiriseth flower.
Out of that union there came three:
Two were Comyn and the other was me.
CHORUS: Ghost wind blows your senses free
Soon as it gets above zero C.
As I had scarcely a trace of laran
I didn't fit into the Hasturs' plan.
From any advancement I was barred
So I got me a post in the City Guard. CHORUS
One day as I rode down the lane
Singing an ancient ballad refrain,
I heard someone singing along with me
And my father stepped out from behind a tree.CHORUS
"Oh, what has become of my children three?"
My father he/she said to me.
"One to work for the Terrans has gone;
The other's become a Free Amazon." CHORUS
The starstone flashed in his/her hair.
I looked around and my father wasn't there.
But he/she telepathed from his/her bower,
"To Zandru with the Keeper of the Arilinn Tower!" CHORUS
Smaug, the magic dragon, lived on the heath
And in the Lonely Mountain lay with treasure underneath.
Little Bilbo Baggins set off one summer day
With Gandalf and a bunch of dwarves to steal his gold away.
CHORUS: Smaug, the magic dragon, lived on the heath,
And in the Lonely Mountain lay with treasure underneath.
Smaug, the magic dragon, lived on the heath,
And in the Lonely Mountain lay with treasure underneath.
The dwarves, when caught by goblins, escaped with Gandalf's aid.
And Bilbo found a magic ring that Gollum had mislaid.
They left the goblins puzzled, they thought it very weird
How thirteen dwarves, a wizard, and a hobbit disappeared. CHORUS
They journeyed through the forest. From the path they strayed.
They'd all have been spider food without the hobbit's aid.
Escaping out of Mirkwood, the dwarves arrived in Dale,
Floating down the river cleverly disguised as kegs of ale. CHORUS
They journeyed to the mountain to find the dragon's store
And Bilbo helped to find and open up a secret door.
The dwarves were all delighted when their burglar stole a cup,
But Bilbo wondered what would happen when old Smaug woke up. CHORUS
The dragon when awakened was terribly perturbed,
Suspecting men of Laketown when he found his gold disturbed.
He flew with burning vengerance to leave the city charred.
He perished as his heart was pierced with an arrow shot by Bard. CHORUS
The mountain king returned, the river flowed with gold,
And Mr. Baggins turned at last back towards his hobbit hole.
Returning from adventure, from war and dragon'e lair,
He found Lobeliz walking off with all his silverware. CHORUS
Billy Batson was a boy, he was his momma's pride and joy,
A loud-mouthed, obnoxious little square.
When he hollered his "Shazam!", villains took it on the lam,
And he chased them in his long red underwear.
CHORUS: Captain Marvel was a man, a joy to every fan,
Until Fawcett put him in a deep freeze.
Now at every fannish scene, we'll drag out his magazine,
And with glasses high we'll toast the Big Red Cheese.
Down beneath the city street in his subway-tunnel suite
Lived a furry-brained old codger named Shazam.
He got Batson suckered in to wage war on vice and sin
Then retired on Greece's VA pension plan. CHORUS
Captain Marvel had it nice once he'd put the crooks on ice
And it looked like they would soon close off the strip.
But Technocracy's head man, a weirdo known as Doc Sivana,
Showed up cackling that the Earth was in his grip. CHORUS
In another subway's hull lived the trollish old King Kull
Who just didn't dig the stupid Earthman scenes.
He came dashing helter-skelter out of his home fallout shelter,
Trying hard to blow the Earth to smithereens. CHORUS
Then one day far out in space, Doc and Kull met face to face,
And the bullets, bombs, and insults really flew.
Should the Earth be tyrannized, or just simply atomized?
Thus the great debate and battle did ensue.CHORUS
'Twas a fight unto the death, but they should have saved their breath,
As it did no good for either one of them.
When they'd battled round about until they both got tired out,
Then they both got blitzed by good old Captain M.! CHORUS
Captain Marvel's thoughts were sagging, 'cause his life was dull and dragging,
He took Serutan and gargled Listerine.
He said, "Life's just too damn corny, and besides, I'm getting horny."
So, then, that's when Mary Marvel made the scene.CHORUS
Now Cap Marvel's dead and gone with his wild and wooly throng,
And there's sadness hanging heavy o'er the land.
'Twas not scientist nor thief brought our hero bold to grief,
But that hackneyed, ripe old chestnut, Superman!
FINAL CHORUS: Captain Marvel is kaput, with his bright red flying suit,
But true fans, to put our loyal hearts at ease,
'Round Eternity's peaked stone we will travel on our own
And we'll shake his hand and hail the Big Red Cheese!
Oh, Cthulu dear, and did you hear
The news that's going 'round?
Your servants are forbid by law
To move around the town.
No more Saint Hastur's day we'll keep,
His color can't be seen;
For there's a cruel law against
Being at all green.
CHORUS: All clear and on green, QX, QX!
All clear and on green, QX, QX!
All clear and on green, QX, QX!
Sound it loudly, clearly, Brek-ke-ke-kex, QX!
I met with Nyarlathotep,
He took me by the hand.
He said "How's sunken R'lyeh
And tell me how she stands."
"A more distressful city
Than ever yet was seen.
They're hanging everybody there
Whose tentacles are green."CHORUS
So, if the color we must be
Is the human's ghastly pink,
Let it remind us of their blood
Which we will shortly drink.
So dye your skin or scales or hair
And paint your very face,
For soon we'll have revenge upon
The whole damned human race. CHORUS
When laws can stop the seaweed
From growing as it grows,
And when the molds in summertime
Their color dare not show,
Then I will change the colors, too,
I've worn whenever seen.
But 'til that day, praise Yig, I'll stick
To being very green.
The Lensmen are the heroes of the whole Galactic race,
Pursuing thieves and villains all through interstellar space;
The pirates run, the Eichmil fly, they lead us quite a chase,
As ships and plot go down the tubes at overwhelming pace.
CHORUS: Oh, Kinnison, Kim Kinnison, our tower of defense!
The Ploorans are your foes and the Arisians your friends!
The rockets roar and thunder and the plot don't make much sense,
But the villains better scatter when the Lensman aims his Lens!
The Lens that Mentor gave me is beyond my words of praise;
It's better far than guns, it even beats fifth-order rays.
It's a psychic power booster, helps me crush the villains' wills:
A universal credit card, and Mentor pays the bills!
CHORUS (substituting "zwilniks" for "villains")
March of the Slans
Words: Jack Howard Lechner
Music: I Am Woman
I'm not human--I'm a slan,
More evoluted than a man,
But I wear a cap and manage to pretend.
For my tendrils give away
That I'm the one you want to spay--
No one's ever gonna castrate me again!
CHORUS: Oh, yes, I read minds,
But I'm kind and sweet and good;
Still, you all want me dead--
It isn't understood,
I'm a mutant--
I can do anything!
I am strong
I am invincible
I'm not human!
You can hunt me down and shoot me--
In the end, you will salute me,
For I'm nobler, braver, mightier than you;
You can find out where I hide,
But I've the author on my side--
All the best-laid plans of men must go askew!
Chorus
All Terrans who come to Darkover,
As all of the Empire can see,
Develop the power called laran--
All Terrans, that is, except me.
All Terrans, that is, except me,
All Terrans, that is, except me,
Develop the power called laran,
All Terrans, that is, except me.
I tried every possible method
Known under the lavender sky,
I've tried all I can to acquire it,
But no vestige of laran have I.
(repeat twice more)
I've tried all I can to acquire it,
But no vestige of laran have I.
I went for a walk in the Ghost Wind,
Tried kiriseth flowers by the score,
But all that I got was a headache,
I never felt anything more.
(repeat twice more)
But all that I got was a headache,
I never got anything more.
I switched from right to left handed,
I dyed my hair bright Comyn red,
I studied for years with a matrix,
But the stone remained stubbornly dead.
(repeat twice more)
I studied for years with a matrix,
But the stone remained stubbornly dead.
On Festival night with a Keeper
I laid 'til the four moons had set.
She gave me a night to remember,
But laran I had to forget.
(repeat twice more)
She gave me a night to remember,
But laran I had to forget.
Before I took off from Thendara
I went on Lord Hastur to call.
Your mother, he said, was a Comyn,
But she had no laran at all.
(repeat twice more)
Your mother, he said, was a Comyn,
But she had no laran at all.
An Exile's Lament
Music: "Hard, Ain't It Hard?"
Words: Roberta Rogow
They asked me when I joined the Spaceforce,
The planet where I'd like to be sent;
I said "Any planet but Cottman Four,"
I'll give you three guesses where I went.
CHORUS: Oh it's hard, ain't it hard, yes it's hard
To be where you never want to be;
And it's hard, yes it's hard, for a Spaceforce Guard
To be where you can never get free.
The winter winds on this planet
Blow snow six feet against the door;
One day a year the snow melts off,
And that's when it's spring on Cottman Four.
The people that live on this planet
Are mean and superstitious as they come.
They don't read or write, they just want to fight --
It's not that they're ignorant, they're dumb!
The Darkover men love to argue,
Each carries a wicked-looking knife;
You'd better watch your mouth and you'd better watch your face,
A word or a look can cost your life.
Now you take a Darkover woman -- please!
She's either a virgin or a hen,
Unless she's a bloomin' Free Amazon,
And they're more ferocious than the men!
One day my tour will be over,
I'll see the Bloody Sun never more;
I'll find me a nice warm spot in Hell,
And say "Kiss off!" to Cottman Four!
The Ethicals they built a planet
(Away, you rolling River!)
And resurrected mankind on it.
(Away, we're bound away,
Up the endless River!)
Someone woke up Sir Richard Burton
(Away, you rolling River!)
When he saw where he was, he started hurtin'.
(Away, we're bound away, etc.)
Sir Richard met with Alice Liddell
And with her he began to fiddle.
Unto Sir Richard came a stranger
Who said, "All mankind is in danger!"
"The Ethicals make sport of you
And will destroy you when they're through!
"Though one of them, I'll spoil their fun--
I choose twelve men, and you are one!" (Away, you're bound away, etc.)
"With your companions seek the Tower
And bring to us the reckoning hour!" (Away, you're bound away, etc.)
Sam Clemens also met the stranger
And learned from him of mankind's danger. (Away, he's bound away, etc.)
He built himself a Riverboat,
The most fantastic thing afloat. (Away, he's bound away, etc.)
But Bad John Lackland staged a coup
And stole Sam's boat with his own crew. (Away, he's bound away, etc.)
O Philip Farmer, will you hurry
(Away, you rolling River!)
And write the ending of this story?
(Away, we're bound away,
Up the endless River!)
Robert Anson Heinlein, back in nineteen-thirty-nine,
Looked hard into his crystal ball and essayed to divine
What lay in store for everyone, including you and me.
He mapped it all and called the chart his "Future History."
A man called Ira Howard, according to R.A.,
In the eighteen-hundred-seventies of old age passed away.
Being only in his forties, this aging made him mad,
So in his will to fight this scourge he bequeathed all he had.
The income from his millions, his testament decreed,
Should be used to encourage those with better genes to breed.
Whenever man and wife of long-lived ancestry should wed,
A rich endowment would be due the issue of their bed.
Just half a century past Ira's early doom
Was born, in Kansas City, MO, a progeny of whom
We'll hear a lot, Ill wager, ere this tale is over with.
The fellow's name, I'm sure you know, was Woodrow Wilson Smith.
We'll get back to his childhood days before our singing's done.
But now the plot jumps forward up to nineteen-fifty-one.
A doctor named Pinero's telling folks just when they'll die.
But his crystal ball goes crazy when our Woody Smith drops by.
Our next step skips the "Crazy Years." We now have rolling roads.
The country has to have them now to move its heavy loads.
An aspiring Jimmy Hoffa tries to shut them all down tight,
But our heroes (being loyal scabs) soon set things all alright.
We now meet Delos Harriman, the man who does it all.
He solves the power shortage with an A-plant in free fall.
And though the plant soon blows up and stalls his Moon-flight dream,
He makes the Big Trip anyway as a profit-making scheme.
Heinlein now takes thirty years to spread the human race
From the frozen night of Titan to Luna's barren face,
Where those of every age and sex soon measure their true worth
And Rhysling sings, for all of them, "The Cool Green Hills of Earth."
But now there comes a problem tough that many an author's known.
When the good guys always end on top, sin cannot hold its own.
So if there's to be villainy to fight in future years,
You have to let the bad guys win, though that brings you to tears.
Now, Heinlein plans to do this in a series of three tales,
But finds it so distasteful that his ardour quickly pales.
So the story of the Prophet and of how he takes control
Will be forever in the class of "Stories-to-be-told."
With the New Crusade in power, we now skip fifty years.
John Lyle joins the Cabal. He's in up to his ears.
When the Cabal seizes power, then an end is put to vice;
Freedom triumphs once more thanks to noble sacrifice.
Another fifty years go by with good guys in command,
Marked by two more stories in which Virtue rules the land.
The moral's made again twice more that weakness does not pay,
But Courage, Strength, and Loyalty will always win the day.
While all this has been happ'ning Howard's will has done its work.
A race of long-lived people now around the world does lurk.
When the Prophet came to power they all went underground,
But now that folks are tolerant, they show that they're around.
It seems the Families were wrong; the world cannot accept
That one small group has something that the others cannot get.
The hoi polloi are certain there's a secret receipe,
So they chase all Methuselahs to learn what it could be.
The Howards who've stayed underground now see this sad mistake
And call a Council meeting far beneath Chicago's lake.
They say, "The oldest member here must be our leader strong."
That man is Woodrow Wilson Smith, known now as Lazarus Long.
Now Lazarus, as you might expect, has got the perfect plan.
A spaceship's now in orbit for to seed the stars with Man.
With a standard dose of derring-do they steal the New Frontiers
And the hundred thousand Howards quickly show the world their rears.
The world of the Jockaira is the Families' first stop.
The Jocks, it seems, are only pets, and not the ones on top.
When the masters of the planet find that Man can't be housebroke
They send our heroes to the planet of the Little Folk.
All the Little people there share one collective mind.
They want the men to join them and to live in bliss, we find.
When Mary Sperling does so, the results are such a fright
That almost all the Fam'lies vote to take another flight.
They go to Earth in not much more time than it takes to tell.
(The Little People told them how to make ships FTL.)
The folks back home no more begrudge the Howards their long span.
By changing blood most everyone on centuries can plan.
The Diaspora now begins. The human race explodes
To permeate the Galaxy with Man's genetic codes.
The Senior (Woodrow Wilson Smith) soon joins this outward flow;
The legend of his exploits for two thousand years will grow.
Now most of what he does is standard stuff by now for Bob.
He proves again that brains and guts can handle any job.
As a sample of this outlook he now tells us all the tale
Of the man who triumphed 'cause he found it was too hard to fail.
He also tells us of the time Smith rose from slave to God--
Another case of pluck and smarts defeating all the odds.
Joe and 'Llita's yarn is next: the brother-sister pair.
He sets them free and they proceed to make it big with flair.
There was a time our boy took on a newly-orphaned child.
When she grew up he married her, and pioneered a while.
By an interstellar Rio Grande they lived five decades more
(He'd done it all on other worlds--five times, yet!--what a bore).
After these adventures, his existence starts to pall,
So Lazarus Long, our hero, now decides to end it all.
But the Fam'lies find his hideout before he can work his will.
He agrees to let them save him in exchange for some new thrill.
While waiting for someone to think of something new to do
He has a female clone made up--"On second thought, make two!"
When they're full grown, he beds the pair, and, though they're mighty fine
They don't completely satisfy the urge that's on his mind.
By now, though, everything is set for the brand-new thrill he asked.
He's thrown in time and space back to the haunts of his own past.
And there he finds fulfillment for his secret heart's desire:
There's no one like the girl who married Dad to light your fire.
When war breaks out, he starts to run, but Mama cuts him dead.
So he then joins the army and he gets shot in the head.
The story ends as he's bailed out by his time-jumping bus.
The moral laid out plainly: nothing wrecks this Oedipus.
My nest is a hotbed of Martians,
And Michael just lies there and grins,
Enwombed with his brothers and sisters.
Oh, Foster, forgive us our sins.
CHORUS: Foster, Foster, oh, Foster, forgive us our sins, our sins
Foster, Foster, oh, Foster, forgive us our sins.
Oh, Patti, Ann, Duke, Jill, and Dorcas
Love Miriam, Mike, and the rest.
Although we all sleep with each other,
We all love dear Jubal the best. CHORUS
Our whole church is running in circles,
Enclosing the whole world within.
As soon as we've turned on this planet
We'll teach all the Old Ones to sin.
CHORUS: Join us, join us, oh, Foster, come join us in sin, in sin
Join us, join us, oh, Foster, come join us in sin.
Good morning, little yellow thing,
Yellow thing, yellow thing.
Good morning, little yellow thing.
What are you?
"I've come here from the planet Mars,
Planet Mars, planet Mars.
I've come here from the planet Mars.
How do you do?"
Why have you come here to the Earth,
To the Earth, to the Earth?
Why have you come here to the Earth?
Who are you?
"I've come to conquer all your world,
All your world, all your world.
I've come to conquer all your world,
Starting with you!
"But first I have to blow my snarth,
Blow my snarth, blow my snarth.
But first I have to blow my snarth,
Ah - ah - choo!
Achoo achoo achoo achoo!
Choo achoo! Choo achoo!
Achoo achoo achoo achoo!
Ah - ah - aghghgh!"
As I walked along on the sands of Arrakis
As I walked along on Arrakis at noon,
I saw a young Fremen all dressed in a stillsuit
A-ridin' a sandworm 'way out on a dune.
I see by your stillsuit that you are a Fremen,
You see by my stillsuit that I'm a Fremen too.
We see by our stillsuits that we are both Fremen.
Climb down from your worm, I'll share water with you.
He was a Fedaykin, a Fremen commander.
He was a Fedaykin, though only a lad.
We'll crush the cruel Baron and win for Atreides.
The green and black banner will rule the jihad.
I see in a vision this young Fremen dying.
I see that he dies in a Sietch Tabr cave.
He gives me his life and the tribe gets his water;
Thirty-three liters--the rest to the grave.
Almost heaven, planet Vulcan,
H'livin' grey, peace of D'Rhiset.
Life is old there, older than the Tree,
Younger than the Mountain
Where my soul is free.
CHORUS: Starry roads, take me home
To the place where I belong,
Peaceful dwelling, planet Vulcan.
Take me home, starry roads.
All my mem'ries gather 'round her;
Ancient castle, well of living water.
Bright and burning ruby in the sky,
Misty scent of Blooming,
Teardrops in my eyes. CHORUS
BRIDGE: I hear her voice; in my waking hours she calls me.
Pon Farr's pain reminds me that my home is far away.
Cruising at Warp 8, I get the feeling that I should
have been home yesterday.
Yesterday...
FINAL CHORUS: Starry roads, take me home
To the place I belong.
Peaceful dwelling, with Tsaichrani.
Take me home, starry roads.
Take me home, down starry roads.
Sauron had some rings, they were very useful things,
And he only wanted One to keep.
But Isildur took the One just to have a little fun.
Sauron's finger was inside it--what a creep! [GH]
CHORUS 1: Now, Sauron had no friend to help him at the end,
Not even an Orc or a slave. (Orc! Orc!)
It was dirty Frodo Baggins that fixed his little wagon
And laid poor Sauron in his grave. [GH]
Isildur started forth for his palace in the North,
But his fate turned out to be an Indian giver.
For the Orcs caught up with him, and although he tried to swim,
They shot him and the ring rolled down the river. [KKA]
CHORUS 2: Sauron had no friend to help him at the end,
Not one of his foul Orcish crew.
It was dirty Frodo Baggins that fixed his little wagon
Because it seemed the fannish thing to do. [TAJ/AF]
Gollum met his ruin while skin-diving in Anduin,
For 'twas there he found his birthday present.
He soon gave up steak and pork, just to eat raw fish and Orc--
Though the flavor was unique, it wasn't pleasant. [GH]
CHORUS 1
Sauron went to war for the glory of Mordor,
But his Orcs didn't like the sun.
It was marching in the heat made them feel so very beat,
So he made them suntan lotion Words: the ton. [SC]
CHORUS 2
Gandalf found the gate when the night was very late,
And he thought that he had been so very cunning,
But when drums began to boom in the deeps of Khazad-Dum,
Strider and the Walkers started running. [KKA]
CHORUS 1
The wizard Saruman heard that rings were in demand,
And he said the One was lost so he could take it.
He wanted it to be war on his black adversary Sauron--
He wanted to be God but didn't make it. [GH]
CHORUS 2
Treebeard and his pals, when they couldn't find their gals,
Were content to stand around and just make shade.
But the axes of the Orcs caused these Ents to blow their corks,
And at Helm's Deep stage an Arbour Day parade. [DD]
CHORUS 1
When Frodo saw the Ring he rather liked the thing,
But it worried him every minute.
At the end of his long mission, just to keep up the tradition,
He lost it with his finger still within it. [GH]
CHORUS 2
Sauron, he felt poor at the fall of Barad-Dur,
And he didn't have a friend, as I have mentioned.
But there are some of his kind left, they direct the N3F,
And the Orcs show up at every damned convention! [GH/FL]
CHORUS 1
Sauron is no more, and his dark land of Mordor
Was destroyed without a single hint of pity.
But his spirit lives today, just the same in every way,
On the House Un-American Activities Committee. [?/AF]
CHORUS 2
After Barad-Dur's collapse, it was stricken from the maps,
But a city later rose upon its site.
Though it wouldn't do to say where the land of Mordor lay,
Don't you try to walk down South Street late at night! [RE]*
(* New York fen sing the original "Don't you try to walk through Central Park at night!". In other places, other locations are named.)
CHORUS 1
Now, you'd think that Sauron's done, for they did melt down the One,
And you must admit that Mordor is a mess!
But he had a scheme, I fear, to exploit the Palantir,
And the Eye is seen each night on CBS. [DD]
CHORUS 2
Shagrat's job went down the drain at the end of Sauron's reign,
And his new line of employment did result.
Now he sends pornography through the U.S.P.O.D.
And he runs it in a fanzine for the Cult. [?]
CHORUS 1
When three Westrons, mistril clad, in an Elvish mode, and glad,
Stop at Butterbur's to take their Lordships' ease,
They will belly up to the bar, and in one voice they will roar,
"Three rings for the Elven Kings, if you please!" [FP]
CHORUS 2
Onward, Sauron's soldiers,
Marching off to war.
With the Eye of Sauron
Going on before.
Darkness like a banner
Shadows all the foe.
Forward into battle
See the Nazghul go!
CHORUS: Onward, Sauron's soldiers,
Marching off to war.
With the Eye of Sauron
Going on before.
Trolls and Balrogs mangle,
Dragons burn and bite!
With us you must tangle
Or run and scream in fright!
Evil is our watchword,
Pain is our delight;
Middle-Earth must crumble
Under Mordor's might! CHORUS
From the dread Dark Tower
To black Khazad-Dum
We'll send elves and hobbits
Shrieking to their tomb.
Men and dwarves together
Go down in defeat.
In the hunger after battle
They'll be good to eat. CHORUS
Conquer every village!
Yell our battle cry!
"Murder, rape and pillage,
Then spit in their eye!"
See the craven victims
Quivering with fear;
We'll be leaving Mordor
Sometime late next year! CHORUS
CHORUS: Oh, I don't want no more of Star Fleet life,
Gee, ma, I wanna go
(Vulcan's the place, you know!)
Gee, ma, I wanna go home!
The pay out here in Star Fleet they say is mighty fine;
They give you a hundred credits and they take out ninety-nine.
Communications people, they make a lot of dough;
You ask to call a star base, they tell you where to go.
The engineers in Star Fleet they say are mighty fine;
They live on Scotch and water and just a drop of wine.
The helmsmen here in Star Fleet bring lethal things aboard;
You give a simple order, they stab you with a sword.
The Star Fleet navigators have learned their manners well;
You ask them for directions, they say "oh, go to hell!"
The shuttlecrafts in Star Fleet, the seats'll make you sore;
You activate the sensors, they throw you out the door.
The phasers out in Star Fleet, the best in outer space;
You fire at a Klingon, they blow up in your face.
The uniforms in Star Fleet they say are dynamite;
You ask to fit a Vulcan, they fit a Tellarite.
Transporters out in Star Fleet, they fill you full of fear;
You beam down to a planet and your hand sticks out your ear.
You can sing of Ming of Mongo
Or the Klingons, or the Mule;
But Darth Vader is the villain
Whom no others ridicule.
Vader started as a Jedi,
Kept the Galaxy policed;
Average Jedis sought out trouble,
Gave an assist, and deceased.
Now, the Jedi Knights were peaceful,
As was par then for the course;
But Darth Vader was devoured
By the Dark Side of the Force.
He grew evil, and contemptuous
Of his colleagues and his friends;
He betrayed them, then destroyed them
To achieve his wicked ends.
So the bad guys that he worked for
Made him Dark Lord of the Sith
(And we'd all sleep much more soundly
If we know just what that ith).
Time marched onward, and Darth Vader
Soon a villain great became;
He commanded a space station
And the "Death Star" was its name.
Oh, the Death Star was so massive
You would think it was a moon,
Or a later book by Heinlein,
Or a Macy's Parade balloon.
It had beams to destroy planets
And could travel, under stress,
To Tatooine in three parsecs,
And to Alderan in less.
You would think that this colossus
Was invincible as hell--
And it was, 'til a disgruntled
Group of citizens rebelled.
Seems the Death Star had a weakness
Which could blow the thing to bits,
So the rebels stole the blueprints
To see where to make their hits.
Vader started chasing rebels,
But a rebel is no slouch--
Princess Leia had the blueprints
In her diplomatic pouch.
But Darth Vader was relentless,
And he caught them with great ease;
Searched the starship, from the princess
To the captain's BVDs.
Vader couldn't find the blueprints
And the search proved null and void;
For the Princess had entrusted
Them to two devoted droids.
After many complications
Vader found them on a ship
With a Wookie, an old Jedi,
A space pirate, and a drip.
Now, these misfits seemed quite harmless
To Darth Vader and his horde,
So the ship was apprehended--
But nobody was aboard.
Meanwhile, Darth had Princess Leia
(Hey, do you remember her?)
Under torture, to find out where
The main rebel bases were.
Just when things looked worst for Leia
She was rescued, with great spunk,
By those weirdos from the spaceship
(Who had hidden in the trunk).
They escaped from old Darth Vader
And got to the rebel base,
Where they found the weakness which would
Blow the Death Star out of space.
Rebel spaceships stormed the Death Star
(They were aiming for the flaw);
It exploded in the vacuum,
But they heard as well as saw.
Those who weren't signed for the sequel
Perished bravely in the fight,
But Darth Vader, under contract,
Spiralled safely out of sight.
Since the Death Star is no longer,
You'd think peace would sweep the stars;
But old Darthy left in toto--
Don't think victory is Oz.
Come hither, fire lizards, and list while I sing,
The making of music is a beautiful thing;
It banishes fear with the speed of a flame
And soon makes you part of the Harperhall's game.
At Half-Circle Seahold Menolly did live.
A glorious voice was her best gift to give.
But foolish tradition caused a terrible thing;
Her parents forbade her to play or to sing.
'Tis now many years since she wandered away
From the Seahold that morning, so dark and so gray;
The Threadfall came early, her future was grave;
She barely found shelter in the fire lizard cave.
With nine young fire lizards she lived by the sea.
Once more caught in Threadfall she started to flee;
She would have been killed but was saved by T'gran,
Who marvelled aloud at how swiftly she ran.
Menolly made new friends, both dragons and men.
She told them her history, her trials and her kin.
To seek out her talent wise Robinton came,
And now she's a part of the Harperhall's game.
This is the tale of the Enterprise
and of her fearless crew
which started from the Academy to Gamma Hydra Two.
Along the way some Klingons came
on board were Romulan spies
but thanks to the courage of Captain Kirk
they saved the Enterprise.
Along came Commodore Decker's son
with Ilia at his side
but Kirk came along to take control
and command the Enterprise.
Vjer tried to conquer all
and learn about his birth
but thanks to the courage of the fearless crew
they saved the planet Earth.
Out of the Eugenics war
aboard the Botany Bay
Khan came along to take control
but was prevented from his say.
Project Genesis was born
Khan wanted his revenge
McCoy missed his change to get away from it all
and Genesis was Khan's end.
CHORUS: With Mr. Spock
Captain Kirk
Uhura and tribbles too
and Bones McCoy
Chekhov and Scotty and Mr. Sulu.
CHORUS: Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into my clutches!
For the Hand of Sauron conquers everything it touches!
When I'm through with you, you'll have to hobble home in crutches!
Superspecial Fellowship, you'll fall into my clutches!
Um-diddle-iddle-iddle Um-diddle-i!
Um-diddle-iddle-iddle Um-diddle-i!
When I was just a tiny lad, I made a little Ring,
And how was I to know the kind of trouble it would bring?
I lost it in a battle, and I've never been the same,
But now I know who done me wrong, and Frodo is his name!
CHORUS
Young Deagol he found it, but he didn't keep it long,
And Gollum lost it when he answered Bilbo's riddle wrong.
Old Bilbo's now retired, and he gave the ring away,
But Frodo's come to Mordor, so he'll be the one to pay!
CHORUS
Somewhere, there is a Ringworld,
Way out there,
Where our dreams can all come true,
And we won't have a care.
Someday, far in the future,
We'll explore
And we'll find things predicted
In Science-Fiction lore.
Someday we'll look beyond the stars and see the worlds that lie so far
Behind them...
With Bandersnatch and Puppeteers, or orange Kzin with funny ears,
We just might find them...
Someday, I'll go to Ringworld,
Way up high...
S-F fans go to Ringworld;
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy Larry Niven fans can
Fly to Ringworld,
This poor fan can too!
(Reprinted w/o permission from the hardcover version of Chaosium's_Call_of_Cthulhu_ game.)
Pardon me boy --
Is this the lair of Great Cthulhu?
In the city of slime,
Where it is night all the time.
Bob Hope never went
Along the rod to Great Cthulhu,
And Triple-A has no maps,
And all the Tcho-tchos lay traps.
You'll see an ancient sunken city where the angles are wrong.
You'll see the fourth dimension if you're there very long.
Come to the conventacle.
Bring along your pentacle;
Otherwise you'll be dragged off by a tentacle.
A mountain's in the middle, with a house on the peak:
A-gnashin' and a-thrashin' and a-clackin' of beak.
Your soul you will be lackin'
When you see that mighty kraken.
Oo-oo! Great Cthulhu's starting to speak.
So come on aboard,
Along the road to Great Cthulhu.
Wen-di-gos and dholes
Will make Big Macs of our souls.
Under the sea,
Down in the ancient city of R'lyeh,
In the lair of Great Cthulhu,
They'll suck your soul away!
(Great Cthulhu, Great Cthulhu --
Suck your soul! --
Great Cthulhu, Great Cthulhu)
in the lair of Great Cthulhu,
They'll suck your soul away.
(Here, there is an obligato saxophone solo, a-la Tex Beneke)
Underground; by a stone and metal doorway;
I am a guard.
I have no need of point-ears; elves just cause me pain-
It's Cutter and his friends that I disdain.
I am a troll; my name is Picknose.
They come in; they steal all our food and water;
They insult the king.
I lead them to the desert, block the tunnel up-
Wolfriders will be toast by next sunup.
I am a troll; my name is Picknose.
Coming back; Two-Edge says that I need New Moon;
I gnash my teeth.
But here comes Cutter again; seven years have passed.
I capture him; we'll see now who laughs last.
I am a troll; my name is Picknose.
And the half-troll's insane, but Two-Edge never lies.
Let me tell you of a story 'bout a woman named Jeanie
Dealt by Fate, a rotten hand.
She was piloting a shuttle; the engines blew up
But there was no place to land.
(Chorus)
But did she ever return? Yes she'll always return,
And her fate is still unlearned.
She'll come back forever in Marvel Comics,
She's the one who'll always return.
Jean ordered the X-Men to bail out of the shuttle;
She sought to keep 'em safe from harm.
She piled it in over New York Harbor -
They all thought she'd bought the farm.
(Chorus)
Phoenix rose from the water; everyone was amazed.
They were glad that Jean was okay.
Then Phoenix went Dark and D'Bari went nova;
Lilandra swore that Jean would pay.
(Chorus)
"For vengeance and D'Bari," the Empire swore,
Phoenix in her grave must lay.
Jean full of remorse found a plasma cannon,
Went and blew herself away.
(Chorus)
Now we thought that the end of Jean Grey's saga,
And well it should have been.
But Chris then started an X-Factor comic,
And Jean Grey lives again!
(Chorus)
Now ye readers of comics, don't you think it's a scandal
That characters just can't die?
Get to Claremont quick and string him up before
He gives it another try
Or else she'll always return, yes she'll always return,
And her fate is still unlearned.
She'll come back forever in Marvel Comics
She's the one who'll always return.
Here I stand, sword in hand
Turn to face all my foes
Once they're gone, I can live on;
Runesword's power grows...
How could they hope to slay
The one who Stormbringer aids?
Gather round, I'll strike you down
Feel my mighty blade...
Hey! You've got to steal their souls away...
Hey! You've got to steal their souls away...
On top of a staircase
Behind a locked door
I saw a damn Dalek
Rising up from the floor
I watched it with horror
I watched it with grief
This was a cliff hanger
Beyond all belief.