P-) Voiceover -- Prof. of Piratology James "Greyeyebrow" Fennimore XX P-) Years ago, the Spanish Main was ruled by brigands, cutthroats, and English sea dogs. But the nastiest of the lot were... ..Our faithful and loyal co-captains, Saltpeter Prime, Pins Abigail, and Benny the Thwak. Let's board their ship, the AAARRRRR!, as they set forth on their fateful quest for buried treasure. If we're lucky, they may not make us walk the plank. P-) SWILBusiness P-) "That's not coffee, that's a mug, matey! Arr." -- Sadly, as supplies ran short, these pirates were often forced to eat their dishware. The rabble were pathetic: "Hey, there's only, like, two of 'em! Lets steal their gold! Arr." Pirates often enjoyed torturing their prisoners: "Hey, Benny! I gotcha dis rocket-scientist-physicist-family-man guy for torturin'. Arr." "Oh good, I know what we'll do to 'im. We'll have movie nominations on 'is head! Arr." "Isn't that a little bit mean, even for ye, Benny? Arr?" "Arr. By the time I'm through with him, you won't be able to tell 'im apart from December Second! Arr." "Wha'? Ye mean we're havin' movie nominations on Bob Bowman, aka December Second, instead of Harry Browne, aka Thanksgiving Weekend? Arr?" "Aye, matey. Arr." (Dee! -a) (Queue! -b) (What? -q) "All hail the wisdom of the presidents! Arr." -- Pirate crewmen were required to show faith in and loyalty to their faithful and loyal co-captains. (Ooo ooo ee ooo ooo ah. Every pirate ship's got to have a pet monkey. -b) "No, matey, I'm bloomin' tellin' ye. You can make any arbitrary symbol stand for a variable. It don't have to be a Greek letter. Arr." "You mean, you could, say, make X mark a spot? Arr?" "That explains me problem! I'd been lookin' for a lowercase theta! Arr." "Why the'a? Why not pi? Arr?" "Fer the Greek word for treasure, duh. Arr." "You wanna take this outside? Arr?" "But matey, we *arr* outside! We're on the AAARRRRR!. It's a bloomin' ship! Arr." -- Occasionally, there was dissention among the ranks even so. "Quarter(staff -a)master Hollis is looking into gettin' the rabble a free antiquated votin' machine. Dontcha think we should be doin' something about this? Arr?" -- The ringleaders of mutinous plots were quickly forced to walk the plank. Emotion failed to move the bloodthirsty, but faithful and loyal, co-captains. "The Committee to Replace the Committee to Replace Amy needs to meet and work out dates for a speaker to come speak. Arr." (Ooh! So we could have a mutinous crew forming the Committee to Replace Amy, and then *we* kill them, and they form the Committee to Replace the Committee to Replace Amy, and *they're* mutinous *too*.... -a) (Oy vey. (Every pirate ship needs a pet Jewish grandmother. -a) -q) Tired of their mutinous crew, the pirates landed and recruited a new workforce: "Come to PhilCon, you... ... ... ...people! Arr." And so they set sail, heading for the distant island of (Magrathea! -q) (No! -b) P-) NonSWILBusiness P-) "Borgle's knitting has been cured! Arr." -- Sadly, as supplies ran short, these pirates were also often forced to eat their own clothing. Suddenly, the pirates found a clue: "Arr. I found a clue! Arr!" "What's it say? Arr?" "Click here to become Jewish. What could be more fascinating than digital circumcision. Arr?" "We better look this up in the library. Arr." "While we journey there, we should put the clue in a safe place. Arr." "Arr. Isn't Arrrrcadia the Keeper of the Clue? Arr?" "Arr." "Quarter(staff -b)master Hollis has used his antiquated votin' machine to make Pins Abigail his US Congresswoman, Keera (sorry, we forgot to ask which -q) his state Senator, and Bee-Dan his state Assemblyman. Arr." "Didn't we make 'im walk the plank already? Arr?" "Arr. Bugger can swim. Arr." "Off with his legs! Arr!" -- Occasionally, things got barrrrbaric. Err, sorry. Barbaric. Bored and wearied by the long days at sea, the pirates occasionally entertained themselves by forcing prisoners to re-enact Greek tragedies: "Arr. The Eumenides was good. Arr." (Oooh oooh! So we were using the Greek word for treasure, so we must be looking for Greek treasure. The Eumenides is Greek, and it was in LPAC, not Birdwainer, so we can have been heading towards Birdwainer, but now we turn around and go to *LPAC*! -q) (Argh. (Every pirateship needs a pet broken ... pirate. -a) -a) And so, after centuries at sea in the AAARRRRR!, they found the magnificent Thinking Robot of Thebes. Of course, after all this time, it was a bit rusted, and they all quickly died from tetanus poisoning. I hope you've enjoyed this documentary. Please take the time to sign our guestbook before you go! /\/\ P-) The Attendance List of \ / -- 11/11/00 P-) / \ \/\/ Arcadia "Greek tragedy with a happy ending?" Falcone (Not for us, it ain't! -a) Hollis "Greek tragedy with a happy ending! SexyBot survives and conquers!" Easter (Aaaaaarrrrrrgh! -abq) Salt "If this quote comes to three consecutive meetings, can we dismember it?" (It has to prove sentience first. -b) and Pepper "Bob Bowman for Fuhrer in 2000" Shakers (But he's already December Second! -q) (Besides, I didn't think the Shakers were a political organization. -a) Lust "Sloth" Orangutan (Arr. -a) Kyra "I've followed dusty tracks into eternity." Jucovy (Aye. Us too. Look where it got us. Arr. -b) ~Elliot "Acting President Dennis Hastert!!!" Reed (Arr. -q) Rachel "Borgel" Kaufman (How's the yarn taste? -a) Liv "would someone please tell Rachel that knitting needles != imac so she really must stop trying to kill me with them." Herriot (Borgel, knitting needles != iMac so you really must stop trying to kill Liv with them. -q) B.C. "Jane Goodall" Phillips (Arr, SWILlies in the mist. -a) benjamin 'if i ever become a rabid football fanatic, kill me' r, george (Ooh, ooh, he told us to! -a) John "30 min Late, but still here!" Finkbiner (Arr. -b) Ben "Mm Bork Bork -- Iron Chef Swedish" Newman (Mm Bork Bork, Mm Bork Bork, Mm Bork Bork, Mm Bork Bork, Mm Bork Bork... -aq) Amy' "I'm obnoxious and disliked" Marinello (Yes, I know. -a) Abigail "Yes, I know" Friedman (I'm obnoxious and disliked. -q) JC "Warrior Princess" Ravage (Arr! -abq) P-) Abi-Wan Kenobi, Ben Kenobi, and Queen Amydala P-) This SWILNews has been brought to you by the letter... You guessed it... Z!