Initiate Red Carpet. (Initiate red carpet? -s) (Yes. -g) Red Carpet Initiated. Camera One: (Camera One shows George C. Hurliman, our beloved host. -g) (The host can't be George; the awards are the Georgies! -s) (Maybe they're named after him, because he's such a cool host. -g) (They don't name awards after the host. -s) (But he's a really *cool* host. He's George! -g) (They don't call them the Billies because Billy Crystal is a cool host. And they don't call them the Whoopies. "I'm so proud of my Whoopie Award!" They don't give away cushions! -s) (I think it should be that way anyway. It's funny! -g) (Arcadia, back me up here! -s) () (I have to eat here more often. -s) Right. So Camera One shows George C. Hurliman, our beloved host. He is saying, "Welcome, ladies and germs. (George does not say "germs"! -s) Er, make that ladies and gentlement. (Gentlement? -h) Gentlemen. Welcome to the First Annual Georgie Awards. Named for me! Your host. 'Cause I'm so cool. You should come visit me on the third floor of Tarble. (And if you come in just the right way, you can even get a purity test point! -h) (Shhh. This is a family SWILNews. -s) Here at the backlot of SWILStudios, we have a wonderful evening planned for all of you. So come on inside, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. If you're lucky, you might even win. But remember, it's an honor just to be nominated. 'Cause hey, I'm cool." (I think I'm gonna go get Sharples food now. -d) Initiate SWILBusiness. *** SWILBusiness *** SWILBusiness Initiated. Camera Two: Camera Two faces The Audience. Which is symmetrical, except for Ben at the end. Pan Audience, revealing rabble and mob. They are all very excited to be here at the First Annual Georgie Awards. Except for that one, at the end, yawning. Don't show him for the rest of the awards ceremony. Flash "Applause" Sign. ::Applause:: Sign Flashed. Camera Three: Camera Three shows comedian Bird Wainer, who is attempting an opening monologue. "Submit to BEM! The Co-Eds haven't gotten any. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! ( -h) These are the jokes, folks, feel free to laugh. "Hey. It would be really cool if campus let us have the Hunt in the big pit that used to be DuPont, wouldn't it? 'Cause then we could *hunt* there. Get it? *Hunt there.* (No. -s) (Shhhh. -g) (Can we blame this on the MiniProps? -s) (Yes. -h) (Please. -d) "Fine, if you don't like that, maybe you'll like the fact that Monday's movie will be Labyrinth -- Family, Fantasy, Adventure / 1986 -- In which young Sarah is left home alone by her parents and she has to babysit her little brother Toby. But the baby keeps crying, and Sarah, while telling him a story to make him sleep, inadvertently conjures from a fantasy world the Goblin King who steals the child and brings him to his castle in the middle of a labyrinth. Sarah has to rescue him before midnight, or the baby will became a goblin. Get it? A goblin?" Camera Four: Camera Four shows George C. Hurliman, who has changed into a new, exceedingly dapper tuxedo, and is standing at the main podium. Isn't he cool? "And the nominees in the category of Most Sentient Being are:" Initiate Sentience Proofs. *** Sentience Proofs *** Sentience Proofs Initiated. Camera Five: Camera Five shows *Nicolas Cameron Ward*, class of 2005 (Oooooh. -g) (I feel old. -s) (Alumni feel older. -g). Nick starts his proof by standing up and sticking a waffle to the ceiling with 5 forks. He posits that a waffle stuck to the ceiling is God, as proved by Simpsons Episode #1F14, "Homer Loves Flanders," in which Homer thinks a waffle stuck to the ceiling is God, and which we therefore know to be the truth because everything on TV is true, by definition. He goes on to postulate that God is sentient, and proves it because God is, by definition, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent, and omniscience requires sentience. Initiate Extreme Close-Up. ::Zoom:: Extreme Close-Up Initiated. He eats the ceiling waffle. Initiate Wide-Screen View. ::Zoom:: Wide-Screen View Initiated. The ceiling waffle was sentient, because the waffle was God and God is sentient. Therefore, Nick is now sentient because: he has eaten a sentient being (and God), thereby making him depraved. By the dicitionary definition (Mirriam-Webster, 310), depraved means "marked by corruption or evil". Therefore depravity is a moral state (evil being a question of morality) and since morality is a property of sentient beings, Nick must be sentient too. Initiate SWILVote. ::noise of people not paying attention:: SWILVote Initiated. The Audience votes Nick the highest current student standard of sentience based on... his proof. Camera Six: Camera Six would show *Mark Edward Handler*, class of 2005. Except he's not there yet, so there's only a closed door. Mark comes through the door without help, thereby proving his sentience instantly, but The Audience decides to let him give his prepared sentience proof anyway. A sentient being has independent thoughts, rather than simply following orders. Mark also has independent thoughts -- faith that SWIL will find a way to dismember him despite the banality of his proff, creativity/humor as proven by playing a Quiddler Hand with the letters Qu, O, U, E, and N, and nerves, because he's nervous. Joining SWIL was an irrational thought, and yet he keeps coming and hanging with us. When he was at the dinner table, we made him both a scapegoat and suggested he run for treasurer, which proved we believed in his sentience. Also, the fact that he keeps coming back and hanging with us proves him capable of independent thought, and irrationality, rather than being a follower of orders. (Or that we're just evil and subsuming. -d) (You're not supposed to mention that in the SWILNews! -h) Thus, he must be sentient. Initiate SWILVote. ::noise of people not paying attention:: SWILVote initiated. The Audience votes Mark sentient because he got Stone to open the door with the waffle. (Well, hey, if *you* could use God as a tool to open doorways... -s) Camera Seven: Camera Seven shows a view of *Adam Seth Oleksa I,* class of 2005. All sentient beings possess some form of consciousness, an awareness or ability to perceive, but the term sentient itself implies something more. It is generally accepted that sentience means that an entity is capable of feeling, as well as thinking. In order for a living being to sense, or make sense of the universe of perceptions, some level of feeling is necessary, especially with regard to the so-called "higher" emotions, such as companionship, compassion, and love. This is not to say that all sentient creatures are highly evolved in the area of subtleties of feeling, or that emotion is the same sort of feeling as touch, or hot and cold, but the ability to feel necessarily predates the development of skills in attributing these sensations to their causes. Another, more basic proof of sentience is the ability to recognize pain, and respond to it. However, this definition should not simply cover physical pain, although physical pain does fulfill this initial requirement. The true mark of being able to recognize pain is the ability to acknowledge inner pain and suffering, and attempt to respond to it, as well. It is Adam's belief that he fulfills both of the necessary requirements to prove sentience: the ability to recognize higher emotions and the ability to acknowledge inner pain and suffering. In order to prove it, he offers the following example: As of Saturday, he had been alive for 18 years and 259 days. Over this entire time period, he had yet to have had a single romantic relationship. He simply could not find anyone interested in him. He had never been on a date, he had never had a girlfriend, he had never even been to any sort of social event meant for romance, such as his High School Prom (which he did not attend on account of not having a date.) Needless to say, his ability to love has only resulted in mental anguish and pain for him, fulfilling both of the requirements for proving sentience. He has begun to deal with his inner sorrow by simply rationalizing that perhaps he is one of those people who are destined never to find true love. This does not always work, however, for at times he becomes filled with a deep self-hatred towards himself for being such a pathetic loser, thereby reaffirming his sentience though the presence of another higher emotion, and his conscious recognition of it. Initiate SWILVote. ::noise of people not paying attention:: SWILVote Initiated. The Audience votes Adam sentient because they love him. (Okay, so was there just no mention of Stone's repeated attempts to hit on the frosh? -d) ((A) I was joking, and (B) I said to wait until SWILoween. So :-P -s) (Is that a cantalope in your mouth? -g) (No, but this is. :-@ -s) Camera Eight: Camera Eight shows a view of *Samantha Alexandra Crane*, class of 2004. Sam claims that she's self-confident, and doesn't need us to affirm her. She believes she is sentient, and that is enough for her. She quotes playground logic. (Ooooh. Can I play on the monkey bars? -s) Initiate Extreme Close-Up. ::Zoom:: Extreme Close-Up Initiated. She sits down. Initiate Wide-Screen View. ::Zoom:: Wide-Screen View Initiated. Initiate SWILVote. ::noise of people not paying attention:: SWILVote Initiated. The Audience votes Sam sentient on the grounds that they had already voted her sentient, but now she has attended 3 consecutive meetings. Camera Nine: Camera Nine would show a view of *Bradley Christopher Elijah "BC" Phillips*, class of 2004, except that his proof is being given by KT Randle, class of 2004. A duck is smaller than the average man. A duck has triangular feet, as evidenced by the fact that its heels are smaller than its toes. BC's heels are smaller than his toes. BC is 5'6". The average man is about 5'9". (Kyla is over 8 feet tall. They wanted to recruit her for the NBA, but she's trying to put on enough muscle mass to play pro-football instead. -s) (Yeah. Unlike Kyla, BC's pretty short. -d) (Kyla, on the other hand, is tall. Not short. Nope, nope, nope. -g) BC meets the definition of a duck. Ducks float on water. So does lead, as well as wood, churches, very small rocks, and witches. BC is a duck, a church, and witch, all at the same time. Therefore, by the definition of the transcendentalists, BC has transcended the oversoul. Having transcended the oversoul, BC encompasses everything that lives, has lived, or will live. At least one thing that lives is sentient, 'cause we're all alive. That thing is part of BC, since he's everything, and therefore a part of BC is sentient. Therefore BC himself is sentient, because he's made up of himself. Initiate SPAMNot-Paying-Attention-At-Meeting ::noise of people not paying attention:: ::noise of SPAM being shoved in their mouths:: ::noise of presidents laughing maniacally:: SPAMNot-Paying-Attention-At-Meeting Initiated. Initiate SWILVote. ::noise of people gagging:: SWILVote Initiated. The Audience votes BC sentient because he quacked. (Also, one of BC and ~Elliot is the anti-ketchup of the other, but we haven't figured out which one yet. -s) Camera Four: Camera Four remains focused on dapper host George C. Hurliman, who is now ripping the envelope with eager haste. "And the winner is... The Waffle! Now voted highest absolute standard of sentience ever!" Camera Ten: Camera Ten shows the Waffle, making its way to the podium. Through closed doors. "I'm just so shocked. I mean, I *knew* I would win, and all, being God, but still. This is just such an honor! I mean, George is so cool! Um, oh, jeez. I have to thank SWIL, for holding this ceremony, and all of you who voted, and my mom and dad, and God (er, me) for making this day happen, and of course George. I love you, man. Initiate Censorship. ::BEEP:: Censorship Initiated. (The best part of SWILNews is the things that never make the cut. -s) "So, yeah, they're flashing that little light that means I've talked too long. Um, if I forgot to thank anyone, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you at Christmas or something. This little cursed wind-up duck prize is great, but there's someone who has been overlooked in all of this. ~Elliot thought he was God for ages, based on the fact that he doesn't exist, and I feel kind of bad for proving him wrong. So, this is for you, ~Elliot. I love you, too. Non-platonically. Wait, I mean...." INITIATE NONSWILBUSINESS! INITIATE NONSWILBUSINESS! GET CAMERA ELEVEN ON RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!!! CODE *RED*!!!!!!!! (I think I'm whimpering again. -h) *** NonSWILBusiness *** NonSWILBusiness Initiated. Cut to Commercial nerd \'nerd\ n [perh. fr. nerd, a creature in the children's book If I Ran the Zoo (1950) by Dr. Suess (Theodor Geisel)] (1951) : an unstylish, unattractive, socially inept person; esp : one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits < computer ~s > - nerd^Uish \'ner-dish\ adj - nerdy \-de\ adj (from Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition) [Director: Is that the best you could come up with?] [Cameraman (CameraPERSON. EXCUSE me. -d): It's better than ~Elliot and the Waffle and let's just not go there again.] (I've got control! I've goi]\\\ -h) (Stone bodily lifts Heavy-Hearted from the chair. Gold takes over. MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! -g) Camera Eleven: Camera Eleven shows Arcadia Falcone, one of the most gorgeous members of that stunning class of 2002. (I wish I still had control. -h) (You're just jealous 'cause we're beautiful. -s) She's telling us about something, but I can't quite hear it. Initiate Volume Increase. Volume Increase Initiated. "This week in MST3K will be Godzilla vs. Megalon. That's Wednesday at 7:00 in Trotter 203." Camera Twelve: Camera Twelve shows yet another gorgeous member, Heart of Stone, of that class of 2002, which may be said to be the most amazing class in all of Swarthmore's vaunted history. (Did you say "vaunted" or "wanton"? -d) ( -g) (I don't even know why you invited me to participate! -h) She's saying, "STAR TREK: ENTER--" INITIATE VOLUME DECREASE! INITIATE VOLUME DECREASE! CODE *PURPLE*!!!!!!!!! Volume Decrease Initiated. "--prise. Dartmouth House D3. 8pm Wednesday on the WB." Camera Thirteen: Camera Thirteen shows yet another yadda yadda, Heart of Darkness. (Thank you! -h) (You're welcome? -s) "I have a broom. It doesn't fly. But! You can still play Quidditch at Bryn Mawr. (But not for a while, 'cause it already happened. We'll let you know when next it will be. -s) (But you're very sorry you missed it. -d)" (Is that guy trying to be another comedian? -g) Camera Fourteen: Camera Fourteen shows a real comedian. Or at least someone who plays one on TV. "Just so you know, there are several people I have not yet received a birthday present from, so I'll be expecting those soon." Initiate Laughter Sign. ::laughter:: Laughter Sign Ignored. Camera Four: Camera Four once again shows our charming host George C. Hurliman. Isn't he suave? (What does he have to do with cheap shampoo? -d) He looks upon The Audience with great aplomb... "I guess that wraps up our show tonight, folks. See you all at the backstage party!" Initiate Credits. *** The Attendance List of Saying "Hi" to Dan B. -- 9/22/01 *** Credits Initiated. Robert "Eloquence is the soul of... something" McFarland Arcadia "misanthrope" Falcone Lady "sanity-inducing" of Shalott (Aaaaaaah! -g) (Aaaaaaah. -g) BDan "Yay autumn! only 3 months 'til winter!" Fairchild Michael "Principals safe, superintendents shot" Noda Handspring Visor "I ate the Clie. Yay IR Sex!" Prism (Do you want to whimper again? -g) (I'll whimper, I'll whimper. -h) ( -h) Adam "My brain has denied me access!" Oleksa (To what? -g) Jim's Foot (To Jim's foot? -d) (Let's not go there. -s) Peter "God is Crucified "to save Nick"." Ma KT "less sentient than the waffle" Randle (Well. Yeah. -g) Adrian "mens insana in corpore aegro" Packel Kate "Hail to the Sun God, he sure is a fun god, RA RA RA!" Duffy (Is this a reference to Ra? -g) Rachel "Root beer hates me" Sapiro (But the Kegger loves you! -s) Kyra "Possibly I'm just doing it in order to propagate the ceremony" Jucovy (Oooh! Oooh! -s) (If you knew what kind of ceremony I was talking about.... -h) JC "King Joyse" Ravage ~Elliot "incoherent mental states" Reed ~Sam "Bitch-Certified" Crane (Hey! This is a family SWILNews! -g) Rebecca "I want the evil pen" Jones (No! I want it! -g) (No, me! -s) (No, no! -d) (I want the sexy dwarve. -h) Ben "Huh?" Newman (Yeah, that's what I'm saying. -g) benjamin r, george 'too lazy to put the quote in the middle of my name.' & Callicles 'Meg & Daphne are clothful' the Moose B.C. "not in the LOR films... WHY?!!" Phillips (Because you're short. -g) John "Walking from Wallingford SUCKS" Finkbiner Amy' "More sentience!" Marinello Abby "late God!" Friedman Nick "There's a wocket in my Pocket" Ward I'm a sentient waffle! MARK "STILL CAPITALS, BUT NOW THEY'RE SENTIENT CAPITALS. AND JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE, THEY'RE BANANA GOD CAPITALS" HANDLER (Initiate Volume Decrease! -s) Alexander "Sorry I'm late! I was saving the world from terrorism with my time-stopping ice cream cone machine! . . . nevermind." Flurie *** Executive Producers *** Heart of Gold aka Amy' Marinello Heart of Stone aka Abby Friedman Heart of Darkness aka Robert McFarland Heavy-Hearted aka Kyra Jucovy (Who is from the class of 2003, but is pretty hot anyway. -s) (Yay! -h) "I'm so cool!" -- George C. Hurliman