(hey, it worked for other people. -d) (I'm broken-hearted. -s) (No, you're Stone. -g) (Yes. But ~Elliot broke my heart. He called me callous and shallow. -s) (Is that all it takes? And here I've been looking for a hammer and chisel... -d) (Oh, shut up, you. -s) (Stone, what are you typing? -g) (I was wondering when one of you would notice... -s) There have been many plans to keep earth from destroying itself. Many, many, many plans. This is the worst. This. Is. Plan. (your life! -g) SWIL. (Aaaaaaaaah! Not plan SWIL! Anything but that! -s) (It's not nearly as bad as the STAR WARS Holiday Special. -g) (Aaaaaaaaaaah! Not the SWHS! Anything but that! (SWHS is a four-letter word. This is a family SWILNews. -d) -s) (okay. How about Plan SWIL? -g) (Aaaaaaaaaaah! Deja vu! -s) (I amuse me. I amuse me greatly. -s) (I'm glad somebody's amused by this. -d) (I don't find it that amusing. -g) (Hey! Do you get a purity test point for writing a SWILNews that gets used as a Schlock movie? -s) (I'm ignoring my co-presidents. They're calling me callous and shallow. Doo-de-doo. Not listening. Nope, nope, nope. -s) (Shut up, Darkness. -s) (I'm just gonna keep writing parentheticals until someone gives me an intro bit. -s) (I have this salad to eat. Maybe you should type, Darkness. Although, we've tried that before. -g) (Yeah, really. -s) (A long time ago, in a... no. -d) A graveyard. Or at least some place similar. Maybe McCabe. With bodies rising from the dead, or something similar. Sleep. (Ow! Watch where you put your elbow! -s) Perhaps rising from the sleep of the dead. Who knows. The point is, they're tired. And they have bad hair. (That sounds like a Cheapass game. -g) Then there's the woman whose husband is an airplane pilot or something who went away and left her all alone in their house next to the graveyard. (Maybe Stone shouldn't be allowed to write the emotionally moving things when she's on the verge of tears already. -d) (The house next to the graveyard -- you mean, like Willets? -d) It was a large house, but very ugly. Stinky, too. Not to mention evil. Gold hasn't lived there for 869 days. (Hey! Your elbow's pointy! -g) Above. Way, way, way above, orbiting planet Earth, is a spaceship. Where they are discussing the business of their Plan. They call it: *** SWILBusiness *** (That was a *really* bad segue. -s) Rebecca hurt herself. That's pathetic. (In order to maintain a sense of suspense, we're not going to tell you *which* Rebecca, as it's completely unrelated to any plot we may or may not have. -d) (It was Rebecca Paul. We have no plot. We have no suspense. -s) (I have suspenders. -g) (Ow! -d) We are going to attempt to purchase The Wizard of Speed and Time (it's a really cool movie -g) off of e-bay as it will be "eligible" next spring. (I sent that !@#$!@%#!@% woman a blank tape and an self-addressed stamped envelope, and she never sent me my illegal copy. Grr! -s) Along with good movies, we're also going to purchase a BAD movie. Nearly as bad as this SWILNews, in fact. We've decided to order Future War from Movies Unlimited, to show at Schlock this spring. This is because it's so bad that even Movies Unlimited, which has Valley of Gwangi, and which puts Plan Nine in its staff picks section, does not have this movie available. It has to specially order a copy. Submit to BEM. You will be assimilated. Resistance is... oh, wait. Wrong sci-fi movie. The HUNT is on. We must kill all stupid earthlings. But first, get the Pterodactyls, because they stand in the way. The following is a list of monsters, but it's short. Pterodactyls: Robert McFarland, BDan Fairchild Dactyl Gaurds: Rebecca Jones, Matthew Sollenberger, BC Phillips (hobgoblins with Robert), Nick Ward, JC Ravage, Mike Noda (orcs with bDan) Oracle: Abby Friedman Black Knight: Hollis Easter, Ben Bagley Orc King: Sven Olsen Hobgoblin King: Amy' Marinello Hydra: Mark Handler, Cat Werewolf: Adam Oleska Cat: Samantha Crane Fishmonger: Kyra Jyucovy Jabberwock: Ben Newman Orcs: Rachel Sapiro, Thomas Winner, Dan Teretsky, Andrew Szafran Hobgoblins: Rebecca Paul, Katie McAlister, benjamin r, george Squires: Kate Duffy, Quan Li, Catherine Barrett, KT Randle Monsters are meeting in Parrish Parlours at 6:45pm on Friday. Hunters will meet at 7:30. PM. On Friday. In Parlours. (You know what the problem with Hunters is? They're stupid! Stupid stupid stupid! -s) (That's not true. They're made up of many atoms! -g) If someone has a digital camera and is around campus a lot, we want to take photos of everything for the George Sale, so we can set up a web page and HAVE the George Sale, which we've been planning for over a year. (Special Limited Edition Pterodactyl Hunt Classic Newspaper Swords! On Sale soon! Sorry, cash or credit card only, no C.O.D. -s) (Ow! Stop poking me with your elbow! -g) (Sorry. It's hard to see when I have it in front of my face. -d) Nominate books, you stupid (stupid, stupid, stupid! -g) illiterate people. People should find pictures of current students doing SWIL-type things, and come up with ideas for a layout for our new and improved FULL board in Parrish. And then sell your photos to a tabloid and make blackmail money. No, wait.... Some more speakers have been nominated. They're not even dead. But they'd be good people to kill and take over their brains. They are: JC's dad, Alan Ravage, who has met lots of cool sci-fi people; and SWIL's own Lindsay Herron, '00, owner of one Ichabod Crane and who is an employee of a publishing company. (Is SWIL's own like Newman's Own? -g) (Do the proceeds go to charity? -s) (Yeah. The charity of ME. -d) (Did he say that? -g) (No, but he's not paying attention. You know what happens when people don't pay attention. -s) (Spam? -g) (Well, yes... -s) James Morrow was also nominated, but he's not affiliated with SWIL in any way. All were in favor of a flamingo. Well, not quite all. Three were opposed. They've been killed now. (It says: "People stopped paying attention, so Stone ate Spam." -g) (What?! I did not! You big fat liar! -s) (Well, with all those fumes... -d) (I threatened the rabble with it! At no point was I, myself, in danger of actually ingesting any of that... that... STUFF! -s) And thus the meeting went, on the spaceship. But then they had to land on earth, and take control of all the dead people. And make sure the brains were worth using. *** Sentience Proofs *** * Katherine Van Wagner Duffy * Ewoks eat people. (What? -g) Ewoks eat people. (It was decided that the almost-sacrifice of Han, Luke, R2D2 and Chewbacca showed a certain amount of comfort with the consumption of human flesh. Not to mention Wookie flesh and electronic wiring. -s) Therefore, they must be sentient, because they consume sentient beings (precedent set by sentience proof of Nick Ward.) Because Kate has compassion for her fellow sentient beings, she is able to refrain from eating them. (What? -g) Because Kate has compassion for her fellow sentient beings, she is able to refrain from eating them. Thus, she, too, is sentient. -First, Frankie the Ewok was voted sentient. -Then, by Unnecessary SWILVote, it was decided that Frankie doesn't have syphilis. (Don't ask. -d) -Kate was asked if she had had Frankie her entire life, and she responded that they had only recently become attached. It was pointed out that if they are attached, Frankie is part of Kate. -Kate was voted sentient because she is Frankie the Ewok. (PSA: Stay away from Kate's mouth. -s) * Alexandros David Flurie * Alex left the room. We waited. Doo-de-doo. He made a double ice cream cone (cone on bottom, ice cream, cone on top, only he holds it with a cone in each hand) and returned. He claimed that only a sentient being would have time for such a useless and mind-numbing task. He demonstrated an ability to turn hard ice cream to soft ice cream. There was some other stuff discussed, but it was freaky and wrong, so Stone refused to put it in the notes. -Alex was voted sentient because he's a Freudian alchemist. (He can turn anything into a mmMMMMph. -d) -We're all opposed to Darkness for coming up with that. The brains were worthy of conquering. The aliens did so. (What did they sew? -g) (It doesn't work as a pun when written out. -s) (So? -g) (Now *that* was funny. Darkness, take note. -s) Their elbows threatened the woman menacingly. (I thought Menacingly was killed by the Giant Rubber --(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! -g) -s) The woman called the cops. Many people came to help, but had to get through the graveyard first. I'm making this up off the top of my head. (Gee, I hadn't noticed. -d) (I'm getting some ice cream. -s) (That's me. -g) (Oh, yeah. -s) (I'm going to get some ice cream. -g) (Happy now? -s) They had to choose which lucky possessed dead body would get to sneak into the house and kill the woman as she slept, while the everyday ordinary possessed dead bodies would stay in the graveyard to kill the police. So they held a *** Lottery *** Mark won Silly Putty. (Ha ha! It's Mark! He must be a source of gossip! -~Elliot) (He won Silly Putty. Didn't you know? -g) (Really? Because *I* heard... -s) (It doesn't really seem like gossip to me. -~Elliot) (Well, you're not writing SWILNews AND you broke my heart, so you don't get a say. -s) (Uh-huh. -d) *** NonSWILBusiness *** MST3K Operation: Double 007 starring Neil Connery, Sean Connery's brother, and many other actors from the James Bond series. It will be shown, as always, at 7:00 on Wednesday in Trotter 203 on Wednesdsay at 7:00. (Um, Stone? -g) ( -s) Buffy starts tonight at 8:00. Buffy's dead. Or is she? Are the aliens going to use *her* as part of their nefarious plot? Watch and find out! West Wing premieres on Wednesday at 9! Before that is Enterprise, but there won't be a showing because Stone is going to MST3K. However, if you plead a lot, she might be convinced to show it *after* West Wing, despite having a Thursday seminar. 'Cause she's just that stupid. (Stupid, stupid, stupid! -d) (Sheesh, we get it. Shut UP already. -s) There was a roundsing. Sol Weber was there. Cool. They sang many rounds that went from below two lines below what the chart shows to above one line above what the chart shows. (Know what I mean? -g) (No. -ds) (On the chart. With the lines. -g) (Oh! You mean, from low G to high C? -s) (Yes! Sure! -g) There was Blind Mini-Golf. Much fun was had by all. They couldn't see, though, 'cause they had elbows over their eyes. (Ow! Dammit, Gold! -s) Campus showed Shrek. You should have gone. (I wore pretty, sparkly clothes. -s) And so, the dead bodies overran campus. Everyone died, and was taken over by evil aliens. As usual. *** The Attendance List of Nefarious and Vindictive Presidents (er, evil aliens -s) (Shhhhhh -g) -- 9/29/01 *** Arcadia "let it be recorded for the horror of future generations that Abby is eating NSync fruit snacks" Falcone Lady "warped and woofed" of Shalott JC "Hugh the Hand" (Ack! The eyes....) (Not the elbows! -s) benjamin 'proud of that gazebo' r, george & the 'woe is me -- I am a nameless pterodactyl' Nameless 'Dactyl & Callicles 'I wanted to hear about your flat tax proposal' The Moose & Margeret 'Are we there yet?' the Camera {\tt &Daphne 'We're there already -- I don't know if we're there yet' the} Typewriter Ben "Brblbrblbrblbrbl" Newman BDan "batteries not included" Fairchild MARK "CAPS-LOCK IS YOUR FRIEND" HANDLER (I thought Hoggle was my friend. -d) (I thought Kyla was my friend. -s) (But she's tall! -g) (She's only 5'7"! Sheesh! You'd think she was 8 feet tall and playing pro-football, the way you go on about it! -s) Adrian "lost child of time" Packel Katie "Definitely not there yet" McAlister JONATHAN "THE" SCHNEIDER Kate "Duffaluffagus" Duffy Adam "Chaos in Beauty" Oleksa (Um? -s) (Yeah. -g) (Er. -d) Alexander "No relation to the Mc" Flurie ~Elliot "Scalar EM waves" Reed Kyra "My noses need to be prettier!" Jucovy (Or maybe just fewer. -d) (DARKNESS! -s) Rachel "First when I was seven, then nine, then twelve..." Sapiro Aongus "I'm not saying anything because the last time I did I was made fun of" \={O}Murchadha Rebecca "umop-ap!sdn bu!+!Jm" Paul (Heart "Rebecca's evil." of Gold -g) (It works upside down! Go Gold! -s) Rebecca "Yelling at companies for changing products" Jones John "Bring your frog to lunch" Finkbiner Amy' "Tomorrow is Sunday, ~Elliot" Marinello Robert "Escaping into a metaphorical donut" McFarland Abby "*nsync fruit snacks and frightened Arcadia's! woo-hoo!" Friedman (Let the record show that I wrote that quote without seeing what Arcadia had written for her quote. -s) *** Gold, Stone, and Darkness *** (Ow! -gsd) (Um, guys? Who poked us if... uh-oh. -s) (Run away! -g) ( -d)