From daniel @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Jun 3 22:30:02 2003 Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002 22:36:34 -0500 (EST) From: BDan Fairchild Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: The SWIL List: ; Subject: The SWILNews #9 ***SWILAnnouncements*** Air Mattresses: Some people still haven't returned the ones they were lent for the Reunion. If you have one, please email us (presidents @ swil.org) ASAP. Movie Nominations: This Saturday we will be nominating movies for SWIL to show next semester. And science fiction or fantasy movie that hasn't been shown in the last three years is eligible. A list of previous semesters' movies can be found at http://www.swil.org/pastmovies.html . Presidential Nominations: Two weeks after that (December 7th), we will be nominating people and others to run for president. Remember, anything can run! (even rocks. -c) (and paper. -k) Presidential Voting: We will elect next year's SWILPresident(s) the week after nominations. The Two Towers: The movie is coming out December 18th. Naturally, we will be going to a showing at 12:01 am on that date. Email Matt (jbulnes1) if you want to go. SWILMovie: Next Monday's movie is Time Bandits. In a hole in the ground there lived a SWILNews. It was a SWILNews hole, (no, it was a hobbit hole. the swilnews ate the hobbit and took over. swilnewsi are parasitic like that. -k) and that means ***SWILBusiness***. A wizard happened by, bringing with him a collection of cake-hungry rabble. They were loud, and not at all pathetic, but not as unpathetic as the bunch of ents that the wizard had brought by the week before. (Hrmph. The bit with the Ents doesn't have Elijah W... -s) ([THWAP!] -k) Nothing important had happened yet, and the SWILNews was beginning to wonder whether the wizard would come up with a crazy scheme for an adventure at all. But then he did, and before she knew it (she? -k) (I think this is a female SWILNews. -s) (ooh! can the swilnews just have paralyzed the hobbit, and laid her eggs on it? -k) she had been swept off to inauguration in the house of Elrond. I mean Bond. Someone needed to run inauguration, as Elrond was mysteriously absent, and Nick volunteered to find someone to do it. Fortunately, he had some time, as inauguration would not be until the first Friday after winter break. The companions walked up the hill, where they were attacked by goblins. But the SWILNews escaped, and she ran through the dark of the steam tunnels. She guessed as well as she could, and crawled along for a good way, until suddenly her hand met what felt like a tiny ring of cold metal lying on the floor of the tunnel. She laughed, "This is a Ring of Power! With this, I shall be able to re-annex the entire United States." (What's the theme? -i) (The Hobbit. -c) (Oh, as opposed to last week's theme of 'Elijah Wood is hot'. -i) It's too early to talk about the dragon, and a bunch of other things, too. But then the SWILNews bumped into Gollum, and her plans were momentarily disrupted by the co-presidents pathetic attempts to write a riddle context. (What's black and green and red all over? A SWILNews! -i) "Who is Number 1?" asked Gollum. The SWILNews cleverly responded, "You are Number 6." Then the SWILNews asked, "Should SWIL colonize the moon?" to which Gollum responded, "No, but it already has, and it will be someone else's E90 project." "Should I submit to BEM?" asked Gollum, hoping to trick the SWILNews, but she correctly answered, "Of course." But then the SWILNews, muttering to herself, said, "Who is John Galt?" which is not a proper riddle, as everyone knows, but Gollum insisted on having three guesses. He first guessed, "Elijah Wood," (hrmph. Audrey Tautou is SO much hotter. -k) but the SWILNews responded, "Sorry." Then Gollum burst out, "Nominate books, you stupid illiterate people!" "You're wrong again," said the SWILNews, "but I tire of this." And without another word, she put on the Ring of Power and blasted Gollum into his smallest constituent particles, along with a good bit of the mountain, and she marched out of the cave, stepping over the mangled bodies of about half of the rabble, who had been killed in the collapse. The SWILNews, drunk on power, decided to ditch the rest of the rabble and claim all the treasure for herself. So she skipped merrily off to Mirkwood, where she was accosted by some giant spiders. Lottery: "So, spiders, which of you wants to die first?" Benitez won a human-powered light bulb as a lottery present, and failed to be God. He promptly died. But the SWILNews was not done with Benitez, and she used the power of the Ring to torment him even in death. Sentience Proof: David Alejandro Benitez Caamano Vera Benitez was forced to smell his own sock, which stank. Therefore, Benitez stinks, the SWILNews taunted him, and therefore he is... sentient. However, despite the SWILNews's tortures, Benitez would not cut himself with a knife, thus revealing himself to be more sentient than Franzi. ***NonSWILBusiness*** "Curse this Ring!" said the SWILNews. "It can't even get Benitez to cut himself." So she took off the Ring, and the remaining spiders attacked at once. Fortunately, the rabble arrived just then, and in a large riot they defeated the spiders. To celebrate, they held a roundsing in Philly last Saturday. (have there been any Elijah Wood comments I haven't had a chance to respond to? -k) (Listen, I've been trying to be good. Don't tempt me. -s) The SWILNews and the remaining rabble marched on, until they reached the Lonely Mountain, where the evil dragon Smaug (why not the evil dragon Myrt? Myrt, Myrt, Myrt. -k) (I like the evil dragon Myrt. -i) (Do you have a SWILNews-writing name yet? -c) (No. -q) (have we used Quisitive? -k) (Quisitive? -q) lived on a great pile of treasure. "Go in there and get us some treasure!" said the rabble. "Oh dear, how am I going to get in?" said the SWILNews. "It's simple," said the rabble, "you just wait until Qian plays wake-up music on her radio show from 7:30am to 10am on Monday, and then the light of the moon will reveal a secret entrance. Then you go in, kill the dragon, and take the treasure." So the SWILNews crawled in through the secret entrance on Monday morning, and (was stuck in there till Wednesday evening? -i) entered the dragon's treasure chamber, where Smaug slept on a vast treasure (Myrt, the magic dragon--unfortunately, what scans is Dupont (John, the magic dragon, lived in Dupont, and frolicked in the quantum mists, in a land called (what rhymes with Dupont? -c) -sci) -i) (what?! -k) heap. (ooh, ooh! can i ask malloc if there's any treasure left on the heap? -k) Instantly, the dragon awoke, and before the SWILNews could flee, it had snatched it up in one of its giant claws, holding it fast. "So, my pretty," said the dragon, (Is this going to end with "and your little dog, too"? -i) (i'll get you, my preciousssss, and your little dog, too! -k) (wait, all the esses don't go at the end. okay, maybe they do. -k) "what do you think of '8 Mile'?" "I don't know," said the SWILNews, "but Abby said it was very good. If you want to see it, you should e-mail Abby." Of course, this little exchange was just a ploy for the SWILNews to gain time as it fumbled around its neck for the Ring of Power. ("i'll give you this ring of power if you give me some of that treasure", said the swilnews. -k) ("You'll have to throw in a sheep, too." -s) (No. -r) And it grabbed the Ring, (Previously, you had been referring to the SWILNews as she, and now you're referring to it as it. -i) and was about to put it on its finger, when suddenly the chain that was holding it vanished. (you know, Sheveled, nobody who hasn't been whining about the movie will get this. -k) (What are you talking about? -c) (In the movie, the chain that holds the Ring around Frodo's neck is either there or not there or broken or whole depending on whatever's convenient for that particular scene. -k) (How could anyone miss that? It's the most glaring thing in the movie, except, of course, for Elijah Wood's overwhelming hotness. -s) The Ring landed on Smaug's claw, who then took over the world (The Lonely Mountain is the new Mount Doom. -s) (and made housing bad for everyone. -i) and turned Benitez into a sausage. (Smaug's claw took over the world? -k) "Thank goodness!" said the SWILNews, laughing, and handed him the tobacco jar. The Attendance List of Blindly Obeying You-Know-Who ~Elliot "and guess who you-know-who is" Reed BDan "Ask Dr. Wombat" Fairchild Jim "carrying five key rings" Moskowitz Abby "I hate de-union meetings. Although hey! Johnny Rebs 4EVA!" Friedman Rachel "Dancing mooses (meese) will do _what_?" Sapiro Kyra "And then, next week... the midget!" Jucovy Rebecca "I will not go quietly in the night, I will not vanish without a fight" Kuipers Nick "I'm afraid the shields will be quite operational when your friends arrive" Ward JC "Of course. We built them out of double-thick cardboard and DUCT TAPE!" Ravage Greg "There's a weasel in my shorts" Robinson MARK "ELLIOT - YOU'RE CHEATING - GO TO THE HALLS OF MANDOS" HANDLER David "| 4M \/\/R|7|\|6 ||\| 1337!" Benitez *t Ben "blarp!" Newman Callicles "Now I have ultimate power!" the Moose Qian "stalker" Qian benjamin 'is being a nazgul really an editing job?' r, george t 3Y3 4M |\|0W Z3|\|713N7 * 1337 I5 R34LLY |<3WL! by Ruly, Kempt, Sheveled, Couth, sIpid, and Quisitive.