From daniel @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Jun 3 22:30:51 2003 Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003 14:57:11 -0500 (EST) From: BDan Fairchild Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: The SWIL List: ; Subject: SWILNews 11 & 12: The Deluxe Special Widescreen Edition Director's Cut Boxed Set (with bookends!) (ooh, ooh, does this mean it comes with a copy of the Simon and Garfunkel album? -k) ***SWILAnnouncements*** Elected!*: Mark, Nick, and JC will be the new SWILPresidents for 2003. Inauguration: Their inauguration party will begin at 10:30 pm on Friday, January 24th, in Bond. The inauguration will occur at midnight. People who want to eat should give Nick money, since it's not SAC funded. (people who want to see their beloved chinchilla again should also give Nick money. -k) Kegger: The fourth annual SWIL root beer Kegger will be sometime this spring. If you want to be on the committee, and you didn't sign up at SWILMeeting, email presidents @ swil.org. SWILMovies: Next Monday's movie is Planet of the Apes (the original version, with Charlton Heston). The full schedule for this semester is: 1-20 Pleasantville 1-27 Planet of the apes 2-3 Laputa 2-10 Diamonds are Forever 2-17 Lilo & Stitch (subject to change if a Movie Committee showing) 2-24 Manchurian Candidate 3-3 12 Monkeys 3-17 Blade II 3-24 Transformers 3-31 Brother from Another Planet 4-7 Miracle Mile 4-14 Adventures of Baron von Munchausen 4-21 Mouse that Roared 4-28 X-men Week of 5-5: Schlock (to be announced) 5-12 Young Frankenstein ***Minimax Home Video*** ***Minimax Features*** ***In association with Old Line Films*** presents... ***A Hexnut film*** THE SWILNEWS SAGA : Very Special Edition ***SWILBusiness... 60 years later*** ANNOUNCER: Over the course of the last 60 years on SWILNews: the free time slayer... (The studio complained that the opening titles were too long, but we used our mind bondage spell on them. -Satan) (You've got it all wrong! Satan doesn't use the mind bondage spell - ordinary people *invoke* Satan to use it! You can see a definitive proof of this in "Dark Dungeons" at www.chick.com. -s) (stop bickering, you two! they're already recording us for the DVD! -r) NAMELESS FBI FLUNKY #1: You are not at all pathetic, Mr. Handler, but I still cannot permit you to speak with the commissioner. MARK: You must let me past! It's a matter of urgent national security. BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass! (this was one of our little homage scenes. -k) [Exterior shot: a movie theater. People went to see "The Two Towers".] EVERYBODY: Thanks Matt, for organizing the "Lord of the Rings" trip, and thanks to Matt, Mark, and Chris for driving. ELECTIONS CLERK: The results are in. The people have voted that Qian should retroactively have woken up BDan. CHAD: Was it the Chad? PRESIDENT: If you talk, I'll have the secret service plant this heroin in your toupee. (this scene originally had a railgun shootout, but we cut it because we didn't have enough special effects money. -r) [The War Room: the Kegger Committee is seated around a large table. People who are interested in being on the Kegger Committee, but didn't sign up, should contact presidents @ swil.org.] RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR: I have no idea what happened to the surplus mind control implants. PRESIDENT: We must neutralized this meddlesome reporter before he can cause any more trouble. (At this point, the more astute members of the audience begin to suspect that the president is evil. -Satan) [16 mm pseudo-stock footage: Gregory Robinson's sentience proof] EVIL-LOOKING PROFESSOR: As we all know, evolution is based on the inheritance of acquired traits. [zoom in on overhead projector, displaying slide of Greg beating Abby at arm-wrestling. Then cut to second slide of Abby beating Prime.] EVIL-LOOKING PROFESSOR: As we can see here, Greg is more evolved than Abby, and Abby is more evolved than Prime. So, since Prime is sentient, and sentience is transitive across the is-more-evolved-than relation, Greg is sentient. [2 mm pseudo-stock footage: Anna Lee's sentience proof] (Unfortunately, we cut this scene early on, and then Satan's pet chinchilla ate the negative, so we couldn't include it in this edition -ck) (Do you realize this is the second time we've used chinchillas in this SWILNews? -c) (but it was actually the first scene we shot with a chinchilla in it. -k) (do you want to say something about what the chinchilla motif is symbolic of, ~Elliot? i think it's symbolic of the violence in our society. -k) (I fought the chinchilla motif from day one, but you said it was important, because it symbolized the violence in our society. -s) (how many times do we need to mention the violence in our society in this one already superfluous block of comments? -k) ANNOUNCER: Anna was declared sentient because she is a walking Civil War battle. But was not dismembered, as she has not yet attended the requisite number of meetings. SIR WIMBLEGON: And what do you do with witches, apart from burning them? ANGRY MOB: Nominate 'em for president! SIR W.: And what else do you nominate for president? A. MOB: Cockroaches, Tupperware, and Thermonuclear Missiles! Oppression! Arthur's Id! Giant Mutant Squids and a Breadbox! No Confidence! Harry Potter! Lord Voldemort! (-yak)^(1/2) and the Resurrected Remains of Lord Julius's Goat! Snoopy! Harry Potter Slash! Subversion! Residents of Off-Campus Housing! Superversion! Submission! Version 2.0! Very Small Rocks! Giant Purple Frogs! Scary Blue Monster, Tape Measure, and Box of Cracker Jacks! Institutionalized Heteronormativity! The Other People! The Other! Cloak and Dagger! The Scattered Ashes of Ted Fernald! The Sauron Token! Confidence! Al Bloom! Mark and Dennis Hastert! Nick and Henry Kissenger! Salt and Pepper Shakers! JC and Amwar Sadat! Campaign Finance Reform and National Defense! Mark, Nick, and JC's Future Kids! Kirby and Moe! Lance Bass and Elijah Wood! Randy Goldstein's Superego! The Stegosaurus of Doom! BDan! The Fuzzy-Headed Consortium! JC, Mark, and Nick! ANNOUNCER: The mob didn't even notice that the lottery was happening, but JC won the bubble-blowing fish. THE NEXT WEEK: ***SWILBusiness*** [A cubicle. Meeting is playing backgammon with a gorgeous secretary. (We tried to get Elijah Wood for the part of the gorgeous secretary, but it didn't work out. -s) The phone rings.] MEETING (answering phone): Hello? Yes. Right away, sir. SECRETARY: What was that, honey? MEETING: I am called to France, not to Disorder. SECRETARY: But the rabble are so pathetic! [Zoom in on Meeting's TV, where Herman the reporter is speaking.] HERMAN: And the winning lottery number is [drowned out by sound of secretary screaming]. ARTHUR: Yes! I win The Prize! Oh, wait... The Prize sucks! Can I give it back? ANNOUNCER: Although Arthur was not permitted to give The Prize back, they gave him a lobster ornament as compensation. (you can't really see it from this angle, but that's an ornament that looks like a lobster, not an ornament to adorn a lobster. -k) [Interior: Hall of Platforms. Platforms are glued to all the walls, the ceiling, the windows, and the hedgehog.] Platforms: Squid & Breadbox: Down with oppression! Nick & Hank: Hank's available. Fuzzy-Headed consortium: We're fuzzy! No, fuzzier! No furries, either. BDan: If elected president, I will pass off all my responsibilities. Institutionalized Heteronormativity: Still going! (-yak)^(-2): I root yak and so should you! Oppression: Oppress, oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress: Oppress) Oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress! Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress? Oppress, oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress! Oppress) Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress, oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress) Oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress? Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress. Oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress! Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress oppress oppress oppress, oppress oppress oppress oppress. Oppress oppress. Sadie and JC: Today, I would like to convince you to vote for the presidency of Sadie, also known as Amwar Sadat, and JC Ravage. In order to do this, first I will have to deal with the most obvious objection to this candidacy - the fact that Sadie is in fact dead. How can I advocate the election of a dead SWIL president - one who exists no longer? How can I accept a presidency which will consist, along with JC, of the dry bones of a man who was buried long ago? Those who ask these questions have a very good point. However, what they do not realize is this: Sadie was assassinated on October 6th, 1981, right before my own birth. I have always suspected that I might potentially be the reincarnation of Sadie. Spurred by his candidacy in this election, I did some careful research in McCabe, and I discovered that my suspicions were, in fact, fully justified. Sadie may be dead, but his spirit lives on in me! Why, then, should you leap at the opportunity to elect this man? I pass around this excerpt from a well-respected textbook on Montague grammar in order to show you exactly why. Pay careful attention to the chart. Note that for each person, there is an arrow drawn between his or her name and a box of names. If, within that box, there is an arrow drawn between a name and the number one, the person named in the box loves the first person. Also be sure to notice that, given this structure, everyone loves Amwar Sadat, or Sadie. This being the case, clearly no further argument is needed. Sadie is beloved by all and must be elected. Now, however, you may be growing dubious. Why, you may ask, is someone who has categorically denied ever wanting to be president running for president? For that matter, why is JC necessary to this ticket, when Sadie has already proven himself capable of running the entire country of Egypt, which is much larger than SWIL, all by himself. And why am I speaking of Sadie in the third-person? Well, you see, I am the reincarnation of Sadie, but I am not actually Sadie. I.m Kyra. Sadie - his memories and his abilities - sleep within me, but they can only be revealed through a complicated ritual that I researched on Google. I practiced this ritual to see if it would in fact work and wake Sadie, carefully leaving a note with information about what was going on and how to use the ritual. The ritual did in fact work, but it destroyed Kyra.s mentality in the process. Sadie left a note agreeing to his candidacy and then performed the ritual again, returning my own mind to possession of the body. It was not in my handwriting, nor do I remember writing it, so clearly it must in fact have been Sadie. If this ticket wins the election, I promise to use the ritual to vacate this body permanently, leaving it eternally to Sadie to use as he desires. JC is therefore clearly necessary, nay, essential, to the ticket, for he has an understanding of SWIL and its traditions that Sadie simply does not possess. Please vote for Sadie and JC. Do you want everyone on campus to love SWIL? Well, remember, everyone loves Sadie. The semanticists say so. No Confidence: I will not defer...I have come before you to resolve this attack on our sovereignty now. I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee. If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed. I move for a "vote of no confidence"...in Mark, Nick, and JC's leadership. Confidence: Alright, gov, nothing up this sleeve, nothing up this one, see? Now we gotcher egg, and we gotcher glasses, see? Now watch closely... ah, ah, ah, hah! Now, for ten quid against the SWIL presidency, where is it, eh, mate? Arthur's Id: GRAAH! GRAAH! MORE FOOD! MORE FOOD! *sniff sniff* I want your body... heh heh, heh heh... *pause* I wanna kill my father. Randy Goldstein's Superego: ...maybe you should be nicer... ...they might not appreciate you saying that... ...you know there's rules against nudity at a Pterodactyl Hunt... ....can you hear me at all?... ...hello?... Mark, Nick, and JC's Future Children: Don't vote for Mark! He's the one who pushed me so hard as a child that I grew up with a terrible lack of self-esteem and confidence in my own abilities that eventually landed me in the White House, where I started the nuclear war that destroyed civilization! And Nick was so overprotective and sheltering that neither of us was able to find a fulfilling relationship with another person in later life, forcing us to have incestuous relations with each other! Hmph! JC's the one who never took care of his medical problem that eventually kept me from ever existing! Snoopy: *speech made on behalf of the International Federation of Snoopys--there are several of us* The World War I fighter ace is trapped behind enemy lines! His only hope in this desolate place is to rally his fellow prisoners in a march against the Red Baron! Come, Americans, follow me! Follow... Joe Cool... Big Man... on Campus. That's right. *snaps fingers* It was a dark... and stormy night. While millions of SWILlies were starving, the presidents lived in high luxury. Little did they know that their long-lost relative was wandering the streets, plotting rebellion... And a musical number, to close: "If just one person believes in you/Hard enough and strong enough/Believes in you/Loud enough and proud enough believes in you/Maybe even you.../Can believe in you... Too...!" Mark, Nick, and JC: (Oh dear, there seems to be a rather long blank spot in the film here. We must have lost this one, too. It was pretty good, anyway--it had lots of technobabble and stuff. -c) ELECTIONS CLERK: We seem to have had some difficulties. You see, we inadvertently mixed the old primary ballots in with the general election ballots, so in order to determine who won we'll have to identify all of your handwriting... ANGRY MOB: Burn her! BURN HER!!! CHAD: It was the Chad, wasn't it? (I want cookies. -a) REPLACEMENT CLERK: Mark, Nick, and JC are ahead of the Hoofed Mammal Coalition by exactly three voting points, but Rebecca hasn't voted yet... UNAMBIGUOUS REBECCA: I cast my primary vote for Superversion, and my secondary vote for the Hoofed Mammals. REPLACEMENT CLERK: The vote appears to be tied... A. MOB: Burn! Burn! R. CLERK: Wait! Maybe we can have an, uh, trial by Stone, or something. A. MOB: Trial by Stone! Trial by Stone! [Mark, Nick, and JC win the game of tug-o-war, with Stone as the tug-ee, against their opponents, and are proclaimed winners.] (we killed eight stunt doubles for Stone while shooting this scene. -r) CHIEF JUSTICE: Mr. Chu, do you hereby swear and affirm that you will accept the sacred duties of the SWIL Minister of Propaganda, and discharge all the obligations thereof to the best of your ability? ARTHUR: Well, I suppose so... A. MOB: Burn! Burn! RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR: That just doesn't make any sense. [end titles: nominate books, or submit to BEM, or submit books to BEM, or something like that... anyway, you're stupid and illiterate. yeah.] ***Hexnut Films Special Features*** ***The Appendices, Volume 1: From Vision to NonSWILBusiness*** JIM [aside]: Welcome to my candy-tasting, which will be held on Friday, February 7th, at 7:30 pm in Greylock 301. [People taste candy.] JIM: The first rule of the candy tasting is that you don't talk about the candy tasting. The second rule of the candy tasting is that you don't talk about the candy tasting. The third rule of the candy tasting is that you should bring obscure or regional candy. [Cut to cute, playful cats. They're Abby's, and they're cats, and they're cute.] [A random do-gooder wanders by and casts True Resurrection on the elections clerk.] ELECTIONS CLERK: The people have spoken! ~Elliot is a pink monkey, John is a goldfish, and George W. Bush is eligible to run for SWILPresident! ANGRY MOB: Burn her! BURN HER! DM: Make a Profession: Arsonist check. ANGRY MOB: 43! DM: Okay, who let Raoul play the angry mob? The Attendance List of People Who Want to Help Sauron take Over All of Middle-Earth so they don't have to take their Finals Abby "A second darkness fell over the land. And there was much rejoicing." Friedman Amy' "I don't want to not take my finals, I just want to reschedule them" Marinello John "purple hampster balls are here again" Finkbiner Adam "Finals? We have finals?" Oleksa JC "Kragar" Ravage The stegosaurus of DOOM!! MARK "MASTER OF THE MUSICAL POLYGON" HANDLER Arthur "Middle Name" Chu Anna (alien, radical ideology) or rather. cough. I meant to say. "Um yeah." benjamin 'subvert the imperative paradigm' r, george Callicles 'M. H. Stone Sucks!' the Moose ~Elliot "King Elessar" Reed M. Jawaad "Oh God, why am I here?" Hussain Qian "Come see me on gong!" Qian Kyra "Diligence > virtue > morality > goodness" Jucovy Rebecca "deities are fun" Kuipers BDan "done" Fairchild Greg "I eat babies" Robinson Nick "Turathurilion" Ward Rachel "just not worth it" Sapiro David "I am the Real James Bond." Benitez* THE SCARY BLUE MONSTER *This footnote was shaken, not stirred... Ha Ha, Suckers! ~Elliot "Honors exams are the new SWIL presidency" Reed Qian "Passions" Qian Jim "well sure, but what about about a fool and his monkey?" Moskowitz JONATHAN "THIS IS AN IMPORTANT TIME IN MY LIFE AND HENCE THIS IS AN IMPORTANT TIME FOR US ALL. I HOPE YOU WOULD BE KIND ENOUGH TO SIT AND LEND ME YOUR EARS AS I RELATE THE VERY GRAVE EVENT THAT OCCURRED LAST WEEK AND INFLUENCED THE COURSE OF THE UNIVERSE FOREVER. AS I WAS PICKLING AN ORANGE I NOTICED AN UNUSUAL CENTIPEDE CRAWLING UP MY LEG, INTO MY PANTS. I IMMEDIATELY TOOK DECISIVE ACTION TO EXTRACT THE UNWELCOME CREATURE, BUT THE ATTEMPT WAS BOTCHED AND I GREW A MOUSTACHE BY MISTAKE. AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT, MY ROOMMATE'S PARENTS WALKED IN WHILE, EMBARASSINGLY ENOUGH, I WAS WRESTLING A PIGEON. ALL THE AIR IN THE ROOM TURNED INTO MERCURY. THIS SOLVED ALL MY IMMEDIATE PROBLEMS, BUT BROUGHT UP MANY NEW ONES ITSELF." SCHNEIDER* Rachel "I'm a perfectly valid non-member, I just never come" Kaufman-Borgel* Abby "you can't be a popstar in space ex post facto" Friedman Kyra "Can we please, please, _please_ blame it on evil?" Jucovy JC "Andrew Jackson" Ravage Chris "I'm not a fucking participant" Segal Arthur "The Body" Chu MARK "ALMOST DONE THE HASTERT-BOT" HANDLER Nick "Correction, sir. They were _*blown*_ out" Ward Rachel "one class done, four to go" Sapiro benjamin 'sadie lives!' r, george Gregory "Marginalized McGee" Robinson Jillian *intrigued by the Freudian significance of all of your spectacles* Waldman BDan "First one to the other side of the page gets to not be president!" Fairchild M. Jawaad "Viva La Revolucion" Hussain Blake Cortland Michael "Ia! Ia! Heteronormativity fhtagn!" Setlow Dena Henderson who doesn't know what she's supposed to write here Rebecca "oops" Kuipers * THIS FOOTNOTE IS SORRY * the mute version (dear, is biting really the most effective way to communicate? look, i have teeth marks now. oh, no i don't. -k) (I'm tempted to put this in as a comment, now. -c) (you better not be writing this. i'll find you. i know where you live! -k) Written and Directed by Ruly, Kempt, Sheveled, Couth, and Ane. (Little do they realize that the lobster ornament is a form of idolatry! My victory is at hand! Mwahahahaha! -Satan) (And just in case you were keeping track, here are those closing parentheses from SWILNews #3 last spring! (Yes, that does mean that every SWILNews since then has been nested four deep in comments. -c) -c) -s) -k) -c) -s)