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/* This Week in SWIL */
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Friday, September 12th - Soda Tasting, 7:30 pm, Greylock 301 [1]

Saturday, September 13th - SWILMeeting, Noon, Sharples 4

Saturday, September 13th - SWIL Saturday Night: Parlor Gaming, 7 pm, Parrish Parlors

Sunday, September 14th - Pterodactyl Hunt Swordmaking, 1-4 pm, Parrish Parlors

Monday, September 15th - SWILMovie: Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, 10 pm, Science Center 101

[1] E-mail Jim Moskowitz [jim @ jimmosk.com] if you have questions or need directions to Greylock 301.

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/* SWILNews #0+1 */
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//Swarthmore District Court: SWILNews 0 v. SWILNews 1//

All rise! Case docket #314159: SWILNews 0 v. SWILNews 1. The most honorable Judges Death, Time, and War presiding. 

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/* SWILBusiness #0 */
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Your honor, as you can clearly see, everyone at the meeting in question received a ticket. (Objection! Time was not present! -w) (Overruled. -t)

Court was called to disorder. The gavel spontaneously turned into a duck. (Clearly, this court is not all it's quacked up to be. -d) (That deserves a quack on the head! -w) (Are you two smoking quack? -t)

The prosecution enters the movie "Mystery Men" as exhibit A. 

SWILNews 1: Objection! That movie was already shown on September 1st! (Sustained. -t)

Your honor, in light of this decision, I request that we have a recess for emergency gaming. (I assume that they'll Settle this one out of court... -t)

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/* Lottery #0 */
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Your honor, the prosecution would like to call its first witness: Dr. Tricia MacMillan. Doctor, do I understand correctly that you are the world's leading expert in improbability?

TM: That is correct.

Could you give us a small demonstration?

TM: Certainly. ::ahem:: Probability Ben Newman. Probability Jackie Werner and falling. Probability Rachel Sapiro. We have achieved normality, I repeat, we have achieved normality.

But what does that all mean, doctor?

TM: Well, it's her choice.

Gallery: MYSTERY BOWL! MYSTERY BOWL!! (Order! I will have order in this court! -t) (Don't you mean disorder? -d) (No, I'd like a Big King with onions and ketchup, but they don't seem to carry it anymore... -t)

Your honor, let the record show that at the behest of the public, Rachel chose the so-called "Mystery Bowl" and received a small salad as her reward. (You see, jury duty *does* pay off! -w)

Defense, your witness.

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/* Non-SWILBusiness #0 */
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Isn't it true, *Ms.* MacMillan, that you are in fact not a doctor at all? More to the point, where were you on the evening of Wednesday the 3rd?

TM: I was at Third Wing, a political discussion group, getting off-topic. 

A-hah! Are you there often? (Did you mean orphan, a person who has lost their parents, or often, frequently? -t) (Often, often, often!!! -rachel)

TM: Often enough to know that there's a lot more debate at Third Wing then there ever is at the SWILTable in the small room of Sharples.

And what exactly occurred in this "small room"? Perhaps... an explanation of proving sentience? Or did you discuss the nature of a certain organizational website, this supposed "swil dot org"?

TM: No. We merely voted not to conform. Even our forms don't conform! (But can you conform in triplicate? -t) (Nope, nope, nope! -d) (Those should all be spelled differently... -w) (But then how will they know it says "nope"? -d) (Maybe if you spelled it phonetically? -t) (Nope, noap, noep! -d)

I see. And did you also decide to allow Jillian to over-extend herself?

TM: No, but we agree that Greg will.

So this Greg will also attend a DaVinci's Notebook concert at the end of October? How far does this conspiracy extend, exactly?

TM: There is no conspiracy! For all I know, he'll just e-mail Lisa [lspital1] so he can see Neil Gaiman in New York City at the end of September.

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, based on this testimony, there is no question that the Cordwainer Bird Library is far, far more than just a science fiction and fantasy library on the second floor of Cornell; it is in fact the center of operations for this vile SWILNews 1 conspiracy!!!

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/* The Jury #0 */
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//The Attendance List of No, I'm Knot an Engineer, Why Do You Ask?//

Michael "Primus Interruptus 2003-04" Noda

Chris "I hate you ALL" Segal (You must kill zem... kill zem ALL!!! -t) (We find Chris in contempt of court! -dw)

Miriam Newman (I think that if the frosh don't put something in quotes, we should put something in for them... -t)

Jillian "Worship the Cygnet" Waldman

Greg "The Viking Vampire Yrogerg Nosnibor" Robinson (No snibor? Well can we at least have an eoj? -t) (Shiiiiire! Robiiiinssss! -nazgžl)

Katie "The Mad Furniture Re-Arranger" McAlister

Adrian "Welcome back to the stage of history, suckas!" Packel

Rachel "Confectionary Hand" Sapiro (I suggest not licking it. -d)

Kathy "Gory Heart" Sapiro

Megan Nelson (What should we give Megan Nelson? -t) (A great big hug! -w)

Elizabeth "Funky Cold" Medina-Gray (The quote is mine. It's an 80s joke. Trust me. -t)

Eliza Blair (Let the record state that "where" rhymes with "Blair". -w) (Where? -rachel)

Qian "Luh Tu means female firstborn" Qian

JONATHAN "I'VE MADE MY CHU-CHU-CHOICE" SCHNEIDER

Mai "Savvy?" Pucik

Jackie "Jaclyn Hyde" Werner

K.T. "I like ellipsis..." Randle

Lisa "HOTT (temperature)" Spitalewitz

benjamin 'merp!' r, george

MARK "BETTER LATE THAN NEVER" HANDLER

JC "Tyne, not Tien" Ravage

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/* SWILBusiness #1 */
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Your honor, I am here for one purpose: to prove that SWILNews #1 is completely innocent, that the rabble is surprisingly unpathetic, and that JC wants to have D&D events without being shanghaied into DMing. (Is DMing north or south of Shanghai? -t)

S0: Objection! I declare that JC is in fact Shanghai! (Overruled. There will be no heirarchy. -dtw)

First, my client was introduced in parallel, *then* in series. If the dual of my client had been present, that would have been another story entirely.

S0: Objection! We need new MiniProps (That's Minister of Propaganda to you! -t) (Overruled! -dtw)

Well, we do have a new Loremaster, whom I will now call to the stand: Mr. Michael Noda.

Mr. Noda, is it your opinion that stupid illiterate people should nominate books?

MN: Yes. And if they would comply with the court order, as I have, and submit short science fiction and fantasy stories, poetry and artwork to the Bug Eyed Magazine Co-Eds, Mr. Arthur Chu and Ms. Qian Li.

I agree whole-heartedly. After all, isn't the whole point of this case that there will be a trip to RenFaire this Sunday?

S0: Objection! The whole point of this case is clearly the Pterodactyl Hunt on October the 3rd! Opposing council is attempting to distract people from making swords and signing up to be monsters! (Sustained! -dtw)

Your honor, if I may continue. In addition to having a Hunt Committee meeting after meeting, my client has long encouraged the 'Dactyl Hunt and all of its related events. For example, Dartmouth D-3 might be the location of an End of the World party. Furthermore, on Saturday Night SWIL will host parlor gaming in Parrish Parlors.

For my next witness, I call...

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/* Lottery #1 */
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Ms. K.T. Randle, who is the holder of Exhibit B, the number (D)16 (That's 14 in hexadecimal for all of you non-Digital Logic types. -t). Ms. Randle, if you could approach the witness stand and take something out of the Mystery Bowl.

KTR: I won Tylenol and a bunch of foam dinosaur pellets!

If I could take a moment to enter a few facts into the record. (Proceed. -dtw)

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/* Non-SWILBusiness #1 */
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First, I would like to note that Qian is moving to the Ville where she will teach people a Balinese instrument.

Also, Jonathan is *not*, I repeat, *not* the Emergency Broadcast System.

S0: Does the defense mean to imply that there will be a mass Settlers playing session at 7 pm on Saturday in the new Science Center Commons? (You are out of order! -dtw)

At least until Jawaad shows "Reservoir Dogs", that will be the case. And, Mr. Prosecutor, I would recommend that you attend the Diplomacy game that Ethan is planning. It seems that you are in need of some tact.

::The door to the courtroom bursts open. In walks several police officers, one of whom is holding a crudely-drawn picture of a girl with a duck on her shirt.::

COPS: We are in the possession of Jackie's Doppelganger, whom we believe to be the actual perpetrator of the crime! (Well, Jackie's Doppelganger, what do you have to say for yourself? -dtw)

JD: I think we should ask the jury...

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/* The Jury #1 */
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//The Attendance List of Knowing What Time It Is//

Michael "The Net of a Million Lies" Noda (He lies! -t) (Guilty, your honor. -w)

Chris "Jesus loves you... no, really!" Segal (Clearly not guilty. -w)

Adam "Arisen from the depths" Oleksa (AIEEE!!! It's Cthulu!!! -d) (Guilty! -tw)

Jawaad "I'm right next to the bloody construction!" Hussain (Blood = Guilt. -t)

Greg "The Bloody Construction" Robinson (Why wasn't he entered as evidence? -w) (Guilty! -t)

Jillian "Wild Llama Ninja" Waldman (I think she's proposed an alternate hypothesis. Not guilty. -w) (Rosie the Outlaw Whale! -t)

Anna "I am not a large green gortag which thinks it's a half elf." (With no last name, she must be guilty! -t)

KT " " Randle (Not guilty. -tw)

Jackie's "(please do not use as voodoo doll)" Doppelganger (Guilty, guilty, guilty!!! -t)

Katie "Russian mail-order bride" McAlister (I think that's illegal in 44 states... -t) (Guilty, then. -w)

Michael (He's so mysterious... -t) (Yes, and he can cut guns in half with his mind! -w) (That's guilt all right... guilt like a sphinx! -t)

Ben "singularity" Mitchell (There can be only one. -t) (...that's her! ::points at picture:: -w)

Samuel Matthew Jenkins (So is Matthew his nickname or his middle name? -t) (I'm not getting a guilty or innocent vibe here... -w)

Blair Reaser (Ooo... we get to give Blair Reaser a nickname! -w) (How about... the Human Eraser? -t) (How about... Not Guilty! -w)

Jerome "Roundsings are fun!" Fung (Roundsings... of the guilty! -t)

B.C. "B.C." Phillips (He's not A.D., he's not guilty, he's B.C.! -t) (<smack!> -w)

Sam Crane "with wings!" (Is she new and improved? -t) (No she's just not guilty. -w)

Ross "Life is a computational process, BITCH!!" Messing (Are you messing with me? -t) (Our computations show that the defendant is guilty. -w)

Sarah Owocki (My vorpal blade goes snicker-snack! -t) (How do you transpose "not guilty" into Wookie? -w)

Eliza "Knight who says [ni in hiragana]" Blair (We are the Knights who saaaay... GUILTY!! -tw)

Lisa "I don't know why we're saying 'Johnny Depp', but I [heart] him." Spitalewitz (Know that this is the day you almost voted Jackie's Doppelganger guilty... -w)

Rachel "I'm bored." Sapiro (No, you're guilty! -t)

Jamie "Not Guilty" Kingston

Ben "pay attention!" Newman

Susan "I don't have a nickname" Zell (Yes you do, and it's GUILTY! -t)

Abby "I *used* to have a good twin" Friedman (That's an admission of guilt if I've ever heard one. -t)

JONATHAN "IRREGULAR RECURSION" SCHNEIDER * (I didn't know that was a crime! -w) (Either way, he's guilty! -t)

Arthur "by hook or by crook I'll be last on this attendance list" Chu (Did he say crook? -t) (Let's look at the evidence: he's not at the end of the list. Guilty! -w)

Blake "He who maketh the Penultimate" Setlow

Qian "inpeksi sucks" Qian (It is also guilty! -t)

Raoul "Hero of the Proletariat" Bagley (Not guilty, but that cut his head of anyhow... 3 points! -w)

benjamin 'eight vertices, no escape' r, george (Guilty. -w) (Beware the Cube! -t)

Miriam "What am I and why am I here?" Newman (Not guilty, and I don't know. -w)

j'voR is'J

Rebekah "alliteration" Rosenfeld (Rot Ruilty. -t)

Nick "The time at the tone will be... ME!!!" Ward (Definitely not guilty. -t)

MARK "SWMERP" HANDLER (Recused. -w)

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/* The End */
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The defendant is guilty.

Thanks to our special guests Rachel, and her quasi-fictional counterparts K.T., Noda, and Trillian.

Your three completely impartial Judges of the Apocalypse,
Death, Time, and War