/*********************/ /* This Week in SWIL */ /*********************/ Friday, September 12th - Soda Tasting, 7:30 pm, Greylock 301 [1] Saturday, September 13th - SWILMeeting, Noon, Sharples 4 Saturday, September 13th - SWIL Saturday Night: Parlor Gaming, 7 pm, Parrish Parlors Sunday, September 14th - Pterodactyl Hunt Swordmaking, 1-4 pm, Parrish Parlors Monday, September 15th - SWILMovie: Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, 10 pm, Science Center 101 [1] E-mail Jim Moskowitz [jim @ jimmosk.com] if you have questions or need directions to Greylock 301. /*****************/ /* SWILNews #0+1 */ /*****************/ //Swarthmore District Court: SWILNews 0 v. SWILNews 1// All rise! Case docket #314159: SWILNews 0 v. SWILNews 1. The most honorable Judges Death, Time, and War presiding. /*******************/ /* SWILBusiness #0 */ /*******************/ Your honor, as you can clearly see, everyone at the meeting in question received a ticket. Court was called to disorder. The gavel spontaneously turned into a duck. The prosecution enters the movie "Mystery Men" as exhibit A. SWILNews 1: Objection! That movie was already shown on September 1st! Your honor, in light of this decision, I request that we have a recess for emergency gaming. /**************/ /* Lottery #0 */ /**************/ Your honor, the prosecution would like to call its first witness: Dr. Tricia MacMillan. Doctor, do I understand correctly that you are the world's leading expert in improbability? TM: That is correct. Could you give us a small demonstration? TM: Certainly. ::ahem:: Probability Ben Newman. Probability Jackie Werner and falling. Probability Rachel Sapiro. We have achieved normality, I repeat, we have achieved normality. But what does that all mean, doctor? TM: Well, it's her choice. Gallery: MYSTERY BOWL! MYSTERY BOWL!! Your honor, let the record show that at the behest of the public, Rachel chose the so-called "Mystery Bowl" and received a small salad as her reward. Defense, your witness. /***********************/ /* Non-SWILBusiness #0 */ /***********************/ Isn't it true, *Ms.* MacMillan, that you are in fact not a doctor at all? More to the point, where were you on the evening of Wednesday the 3rd? TM: I was at Third Wing, a political discussion group, getting off-topic. A-hah! Are you there often? TM: Often enough to know that there's a lot more debate at Third Wing then there ever is at the SWILTable in the small room of Sharples. And what exactly occurred in this "small room"? Perhaps... an explanation of proving sentience? Or did you discuss the nature of a certain organizational website, this supposed "swil dot org"? TM: No. We merely voted not to conform. Even our forms don't conform! I see. And did you also decide to allow Jillian to over-extend herself? TM: No, but we agree that Greg will. So this Greg will also attend a DaVinci's Notebook concert at the end of October? How far does this conspiracy extend, exactly? TM: There is no conspiracy! For all I know, he'll just e-mail Lisa [lspital1] so he can see Neil Gaiman in New York City at the end of September. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, based on this testimony, there is no question that the Cordwainer Bird Library is far, far more than just a science fiction and fantasy library on the second floor of Cornell; it is in fact the center of operations for this vile SWILNews 1 conspiracy!!! /***************/ /* The Jury #0 */ /***************/ //The Attendance List of No, I'm Knot an Engineer, Why Do You Ask?// Michael "Primus Interruptus 2003-04" Noda Chris "I hate you ALL" Segal Miriam Newman Jillian "Worship the Cygnet" Waldman Greg "The Viking Vampire Yrogerg Nosnibor" Robinson (Shiiiiire! Robiiiinssss! -nazgžl) Katie "The Mad Furniture Re-Arranger" McAlister Adrian "Welcome back to the stage of history, suckas!" Packel Rachel "Confectionary Hand" Sapiro Kathy "Gory Heart" Sapiro Megan Nelson Elizabeth "Funky Cold" Medina-Gray Eliza Blair Qian "Luh Tu means female firstborn" Qian JONATHAN "I'VE MADE MY CHU-CHU-CHOICE" SCHNEIDER Mai "Savvy?" Pucik Jackie "Jaclyn Hyde" Werner K.T. "I like ellipsis..." Randle Lisa "HOTT (temperature)" Spitalewitz benjamin 'merp!' r, george MARK "BETTER LATE THAN NEVER" HANDLER JC "Tyne, not Tien" Ravage /*******************/ /* SWILBusiness #1 */ /*******************/ Your honor, I am here for one purpose: to prove that SWILNews #1 is completely innocent, that the rabble is surprisingly unpathetic, and that JC wants to have D&D events without being shanghaied into DMing. S0: Objection! I declare that JC is in fact Shanghai! First, my client was introduced in parallel, *then* in series. If the dual of my client had been present, that would have been another story entirely. S0: Objection! We need new MiniProps Well, we do have a new Loremaster, whom I will now call to the stand: Mr. Michael Noda. Mr. Noda, is it your opinion that stupid illiterate people should nominate books? MN: Yes. And if they would comply with the court order, as I have, and submit short science fiction and fantasy stories, poetry and artwork to the Bug Eyed Magazine Co-Eds, Mr. Arthur Chu and Ms. Qian Li. I agree whole-heartedly. After all, isn't the whole point of this case that there will be a trip to RenFaire this Sunday? S0: Objection! The whole point of this case is clearly the Pterodactyl Hunt on October the 3rd! Opposing council is attempting to distract people from making swords and signing up to be monsters! Your honor, if I may continue. In addition to having a Hunt Committee meeting after meeting, my client has long encouraged the 'Dactyl Hunt and all of its related events. For example, Dartmouth D-3 might be the location of an End of the World party. Furthermore, on Saturday Night SWIL will host parlor gaming in Parrish Parlors. For my next witness, I call... /**************/ /* Lottery #1 */ /**************/ Ms. K.T. Randle, who is the holder of Exhibit B, the number . Ms. Randle, if you could approach the witness stand and take something out of the Mystery Bowl. KTR: I won Tylenol and a bunch of foam dinosaur pellets! If I could take a moment to enter a few facts into the record. /***********************/ /* Non-SWILBusiness #1 */ /***********************/ First, I would like to note that Qian is moving to the Ville where she will teach people a Balinese instrument. Also, Jonathan is *not*, I repeat, *not* the Emergency Broadcast System. S0: Does the defense mean to imply that there will be a mass Settlers playing session at 7 pm on Saturday in the new Science Center Commons? At least until Jawaad shows "Reservoir Dogs", that will be the case. And, Mr. Prosecutor, I would recommend that you attend the Diplomacy game that Ethan is planning. It seems that you are in need of some tact. ::The door to the courtroom bursts open. In walks several police officers, one of whom is holding a crudely-drawn picture of a girl with a duck on her shirt.:: COPS: We are in the possession of Jackie's Doppelganger, whom we believe to be the actual perpetrator of the crime! JD: I think we should ask the jury... /***************/ /* The Jury #1 */ /***************/ //The Attendance List of Knowing What Time It Is// Michael "The Net of a Million Lies" Noda Chris "Jesus loves you... no, really!" Segal Adam "Arisen from the depths" Oleksa Jawaad "I'm right next to the bloody construction!" Hussain Greg "The Bloody Construction" Robinson Jillian "Wild Llama Ninja" Waldman Anna "I am not a large green gortag which thinks it's a half elf." KT " " Randle Jackie's " Katie "Russian mail-order bride" McAlister Michael Ben "singularity" Mitchell Samuel Matthew Jenkins Blair Reaser Jerome "Roundsings are fun!" Fung B.C. "B.C." Phillips Sam Crane "with wings!" Ross "Life is a computational process, BITCH!!" Messing Sarah Owocki Eliza "Knight who says [ni in hiragana]" Blair Lisa "I don't know why we're saying 'Johnny Depp', but I [heart] him." Spitalewitz Rachel "I'm bored." Sapiro Jamie "Not Guilty" Kingston Ben "pay attention!" Newman Susan "I don't have a nickname" Zell Abby "I *used* to have a good twin" Friedman JONATHAN "IRREGULAR RECURSION" SCHNEIDER * Arthur "by hook or by crook I'll be last on this attendance list" Chu Blake "He who maketh the Penultimate" Setlow Qian "inpeksi sucks" Qian Raoul "Hero of the Proletariat" Bagley benjamin 'eight vertices, no escape' r, george Miriam "What am I and why am I here?" Newman j'voR is'J Rebekah "alliteration" Rosenfeld Nick "The time at the tone will be... ME!!!" Ward MARK "SWMERP" HANDLER /***********/ /* The End */ /***********/ The defendant is guilty. Thanks to our special guests Rachel, and her quasi-fictional counterparts K.T., Noda, and Trillian. Your three completely impartial Judges of the Apocalypse, Death, Time, and War