From jgoldie @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Wed Sep 22 00:45:22 2004 Date: Wed, 22 Sep 2004 00:40:37 -0400 (EDT) From: Jillian G. Waldman Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: SWILnews Subject: SWILnews #3...IN SPACE! In this week's episode: SFDT topic will be, oddly enough, "In Space, No One Can hear you say ' .'" Science Fiction Discussion table will be Thursday, 5:30 pm, Upper Sharples. Saturday night SWIL will be the Magical Mystery Tour of Swarthmore, meet on Parrish Porch at 9 pm, 9/25. SWILmovie will be Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Monday, 9/27, 10 PM, SC 101 The Hunt is still October 1st. Be a monster. Email abrown1. Lauren Goodfriend, Marie Cosgrove-Davies, Venger Jamison, and James Mendez Hodes proved their sentience. *************************** * SWILNews #3...IN SPACE! * *************************** Meeting occured 18 September 2004 Scene 1 As the presidents call the meeting to disorder, the camera pans from a starfield to SWILmeeting. This catches the rabble completely by surprise, and they say nothing when the call to disorder is made. In space, no one can hear the rabble scream. This week, even if there was an atmosphere present, you couldn't hear the rabble scream. Flash back to a movie. A SWILMovie, if you will. It was Monday, it was in Space, and it about pirates. Space pirates. In space. The movie was Treasure Planet. Flash forward to another movie, to be watched in a week's time: Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Scene 2 Someone switched Andrew's oxygen tank with a tank of nitrous oxide. Thus, after Saturday Night SWIL was announced as Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio script reading, he went Whee!. (Thus making him gayer than a tree full of monkeys on Nitrous Oxide. Also English -t) Swarthmore space station has many secret passages. The residents of the station have planned to explore the secret areas on Saturday, starting at 9 PM from Parrish Star Gazing Platform (Porch). (unless we can get into Parlours -v) http://wiki.sccs.swarthmore.edu/swil/SecretPlaces A daring astronaut discovered rather unfortunately that, in space, no one can hear you . (in bed? -t) (Sorry, but that's exactly the kind of statement that you have to add in bed to -t) This will be discussed at SFDT on Thursday at 5.30 PM upstairs in Sharples Mess Hall. Included in that where nobody can hear you say is Star Trek and Star Wars. Scene 3 Nobody knows why, but an ancient creature has turned in the plot, threatening all with anachronistic yogurt. The ancient Pterodactyl, dating from roughly 65 Million years before the plot of this SWILNews, has somehow turned up. It will be hunted in about a week and a half. Sign up to be a monster protecting the rare scientific find by e-mailing abrown1 (at) swarthmore.edu. Submit to BEM. BEM is your father. (Why didn't you tell me -g) (I can't do the Mark Hamill whine. I just can't do it -g) (Nooooo nooooo... You need really strong background sound effects, turn the fan up higher. Why didn't you tell me Ben, why didn't you...ow, breathing too hard -t) Scene 4 Any minute now, the ship will be passing near a worm hole through which books can be sent to the Cordwainer Bird Library. Nominate books and they'll be brought onboard the ship. Someone asked Andrew what books were in Cordwainer. He was carrying the list, so he started reading it. We revoked his SWILBusiness privileges. He then spoke through mime. He then tried to transmit things by altering tachyons, but we all saw through that plot device and ignored him. Musical Interlude Then people started singing about toasters. Flying toasters. Some of them were pirate flying toasters. All of them were space toasters. (Space flying toasters -t) (In space? -v) (I want to hurt you -t) This musical interlude brought to you by the wonderful folks at After Dark. Scene 5 The time machine works. Several members of the crew had the lovely experience of experiencing the fifteenth century. In space. (or is it the 16th century -v) They went to the PA renfaire. The shuttle van left the Rose Hyrdoponic Garden at 9.30 and left ML pod at 9.40. Contact jwerner1 (at) swarthmore.edu for information on a second voyage happening Sunday. It's probably too late to sign up. The ship walls are ugly. Help us put advertisements for various events on them so they're less ugly. E-mail jwerner1 (at) swarthmore.edu for more information. Scene 6 In a gambit dating back to the 17th century, Alex gave the presidents the black spot. Tall tore up the black spot, propelling the plot back into the 23rd century, where the presidents word is law. Jonathan was drawn: 0 -|- / \ and quartered. (There was only one quarter -v) (It was mine. ALL MINE. -g) (No it wasn't, it was mine -v) (Maybe you're right -g) (You should give it back, I need to do laundry -v) Scene 7 (yeaaaahhhh -v) Lauren Elizabeth Goodfriend applied for admitance to the ship. Since the finite earth takes up 0% of the universe, the earth doesn't exist. Therefore nothing nothing on the earth exists, or is sentient. So none of us exist or are sentient. However, since she has proved this, she is intelligent and sentient, while we weren't. We proved her sentient because we can't prove otherwise. Her head was taken. (It was a proof by contradiction. Someone said contra -v) Marie Catherine Cosgrove-Davies also applied for admittance. She squeezed a rubber duck. She said that only a sentient person would be able to understand the complex language of a rubber duck. Lauren Goodfriend then demonstrated that sentient people could understand the duck by interpreting the duck. The duck said that Marie was sentient. Alex said down with ducks. "The ducks have done nothing but lie to us. Down with their tyranny." We voted down with ducks. Jon proposed that rubber ducky is the one, making bathtime lots of fun. Since she's awfully fond of the duck, she's capable of showing emotion. Finlay said that Marie was sentient for having an affair with a duck. Alex said it was a familiar. We voted her sentient because she actually bought a duck. The arm holding the duck was cut off and taken. The duck too. Someone asked if the duck was sentient. If it was the one, then it can manipulate reality, but Keanu Reeves is incapable of displaying emotion, so the duck isn't sentient. Venger Jamison stated his full name. (riiight -g) Andrew will destroy him for his good name. And Scott Storm too. This is important, because we voted that Andrew is a super villain, with one horn and a pretty pink dress. Jamison said that he doesn't know whethere he's sentient, but he knows how to find out. He began to explain a story, in which Finlay is the hero, and he is sentient via backstory. Lauren S explained that he was a Deus ex Machina who doesn't even exist when not in the room. (I can't believe that you don't know that term -t) (Hey, I'm an engineering major -g) (Lamebrain -t) (I'm so unsympathetic to people who don't operate in the realm of my knowledge -t). Jamison then left the room. Lauren explained. Kit is a Mary Sue. This is evident because he has lots of names, has natural highlights, his eyes change colors, is clownishly endearing, but actually quite competent. Kit is dating Finlay. Thus Finlay is the main character. This is also apparent because she has red hair and from New York. From this, we know that we are all in a Fan Fic set at Swarthmore. Finlay, as the main character, is sentient, becuase she's the only one with a backstory. (Would anyone like some joy? -Scott) (No bubbles in the room -t). Lauren, for instance, can prove that she had a previous existence because she has e-mail logs, and a house, and a family. Clearly, she had her own show, it was canceled, and she crossed-over. (and penguins -t) She could therefore prove her own sentience, but "I don't even want to be in this stupid club". She gave the floor back to Jamison. Jamison is clearly a Deus ex Machina, a cross-over from another world, bearing a glorious apple hammer as a weapon. Therefore, he must have existed in another universe, where he was a barbarian chief. He could not demonstrate that he had a hat with horns. He could not demonstrate that he could rage multiple times per day. He ate part of the hammer. It was horrible, and he know it. He said this made him sentient (my notes are incoherent -v). It was asked whether there existed another apple hammer. Apple hammers are a light weapon combat style (trying to read, er make sense of my notes -v). We wondered if he could defeat the duck. Jim and Ben said that there was not only one apple hammer in the world, and stood up, bearing apple hammers. Only a main character would have his nemeses follow him from his own universe to fight in this one (you know, Jamison's proof is surprisingly coherent, once you take Jamison out of the picture -t). A battle of the apple hammers ensued. Jamison died. The duck is the one, and revived him. Jamison claimed that his adorable antics proved him sentient. We concluded that they proved him adorable. Grande said that there were multiple hammers. What would happen if we told him to eat another apple hammer? Jamison would consider that it would taste bad, then eat it again. He failed to make this useful. Alex brought up a D&D cartoon from the 80s. The main villain is Venger, who only fears one thing - Tiamat. Alex menaced him with Tiamat, inducing fear. http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall04/AlexJamisonTiamat.jpg It was proposed that because he was a major villain, he has plans, goals, desires, etc. That was supposed to make him sentient. Also, it was obvious that when he saw the picture of Tiamat, he was hurt by the memories. Memories of pain, and wearing a "robe (dress)." Do non-sentients have painful memories? We then voted him sentient because he hates peasants, has painful memories, has a backstory, is an evil villain, and wears a dress (robe). We took his leg. He reforged the apple hammer, it fell on the ground, and he ate it. Mikio is not sentient. James Mendez Hodes applied for sentience. He said he could rap about Jesus: render unto Caesar things that are Caesar's render unto God things that are God's I'm sender, you're receiver, words echo like a reverb makin' heads nod like Scheherazade I'm tellin' you a story that must be told about sellin' out for glory and lust and gold see, Mammon's the daemon who damns you to dreamin' of wealth and temptation.unhealthy sensations but Mammon in Heaven couldn't see past his feet 'cuz they got gold set in beneath on the streets our souls we are losin' to golden illusions we're lost in the frost and cold and confusion but trust the Divine, uncorrupted in mind leave your lust to gather dust and with justice align praise the Beneficent.Heaven, we're livin' this whenever we give reverence, love, and forgivėness we ain't motivated by future reward we birth God on earth so that truth is restored understand the eternal, forsake all your fear bring your hand to ya sternum and say, "God is HERE." (http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/6717441) There are two possible reasons one would rap about Jesus. 1) He's a religious zealot, which would imply that he began with the premise of sentient, but has been corrupted. However, since he's a Catholic converted to Daoism, he's not been corrupted. 2) It's ironic. Therefore he's using irony, thus he's sentient. Jackie asked if he could put on an impromptu puppet show using a duck and an apple hammer, telling the greatest story of all time. People burst into song, singing "If you're Jesus and you know it clap your hands". Mendez told a Jesus joke. We voted him sentient because Jesus, a duck, said so. Marie, the cheating bastard, won the lottery. She won a Doc Oc figurine. ******************** * Non-SWILBusiness * ******************** Rocky Horror happened in ML pod on Saturday night at 12. SCCS is holding an tutorial in XHTML and CSS from 2-4 on Saturday in the Media Lounge. WSRN had the big meeting Sunday in Upper Tarble. Finlay wants to show Red Dwarf at some point...in SPACE! BBC is putting up all of their archives from all time under a Creative License. Tall wants to gather a group of people to see Sky Captain this weekend. Jim told a story. The moral was to have Neil Gaiman give us all psychic readings when he comes here. The order at the end of the meeting was more disorderly than the disorder at the begining. ********************************************************* * Attendance List of Mark in a Bra (somebody's dead -g) * ********************************************************* Jackie "honorary Chris" Werner Chessex Megamat "I have 1 inch squares!" Pshenichkin Alex "I like mats! and swords!" Pshenichkin Meredith "I am the man-whore!" Conforti Brown JESSICA "I HAVE NO ATTENTION SPAN" ROBINS JONATHAN "COWER BEFORE THE GREAT MURRAY" SCHNEIDER Eliza "Kiss my ass, eh?" Blair Mary "Look, I'm a penguin!" Wootters Nora "Rain is good" Nussbaum Marie "Partially Hydrogenated" Cosgrove-Davies (this is getting old -g) Aaron "rain is rainy" Greenblatt Abby "pull the lever krink!" Graber SCRIBBLE "Angar NOT the Venger" Jamison Becky "My birthday is in five days" Franklin Scott "It's astounding" Storm Lauren "Miiiiiisery" Smith Laurne "Vinny the disco instructor" Goodfriend Fionnlaigh "my boyfriend went to Delaware and all I got was this lovely SWILmeeting" Logan Mikio "Actually, I live in Willets...Yes...YES in WILLETS...No I've ALWAYS lived in Willets!" Akagi Tim "Ah! Rain I'm Melting" Whalen Oliver "Lang/Kohlberg" White Blair "gaudeamos hodie" Reaser Adam "Now with _16_ live badgers in his pants" Oleksa Mendez "Dude...where's my first name?" Miriam "Womens' shoes are the root of all pain" Newman Jerome "Sleep is good!" Fung Jim "Finally made it!" Moskowitz Nick "rm -rf/" Ward Ben "sudon't" Ward Emmanuelle ...?... Wambach Jillian "Physics ate my brain & all I got was this lousy rock with mind-control abilities" Waldman ;strikeout; MARK "NEUKASTLE TO KOHLS" HANDLER ;/strikeout; MARK "CENSORED" HANDLER (what, you're trying to deny your sordid past? -v) Mai "Cockatiel" Pucik Greg "The water gets -_Me_-." Robinson Jean "-_I_- get the water." Schneider Tune in next week when our heroes, er presidents, again abandon the theme half-way through the SWILNews. Bringing you space opera...in SPACE, for a semester and four weeks...in SPACE: Tall...in SPACE, Grande...in SPACE, Venti...in SPACE! ( -v)