From acbrown @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Fri Sep 9 19:23:15 2005 Date: Thu, 8 Sep 2005 21:38:20 -0400 (EDT) From: Andrew C. Brown Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: swilnews @ swil.org Subject: SWIL-News1ella [ The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set. ] [ Your display is set for the "utf-8" character set. ] [ Some characters may be displayed incorrectly. ] The Pterodactyl Hunt will be October 1 If you want to be a monster or squire, sign up at meeting this Saturday, or e-mail hunt(at)swil.org To join fun, email majordomo[at]swil.org. For fuller instructions, go to the website swil.org, and look it up. This Friday, there will be Art in the Breakfast room, followed by Wink. At the same time as Art, Andrew will be showing "Steamboy" in the Lounge of ML If you want to see Terry Pratchett, get books signed by him, and/or kidnap him, Jackie will be organizing a trip to see him on the 14th of September in Philadelphia. She'll send an e-mail to FUN (So Join FUN) SWIL-News1ella [God, I hate you -The population of Grendel's Worshop] Once upon a time, there was a young girl named SWIL-Newsella. She had to go to SWIL Meeting every week, where her step-rabble were very mean to her. They shouted, and hit spoons on the table, and made her volunteer to run *everything*. One SWIL Meeting, however, the doors, which SWIL-Newsella had only half-closed, let in a lot of noise, so her step-rabble were extra noisy. Greg, who was the meanest of SWIL-Newsella's step-rabble, wanted to redefine cardinal directions, such that 'up' was towards the back wall. The step-rabble, who delighted at any chance to make SWIL-Newsella's life miserable, passed the motion, and further decided that we were in an Orson Scott Card book. The step-rabble introduced themselves to the freshmen, first in tandem, then in series. Poor little SWIL-Newsella had no idea who anybody was, so that when she told them her name, they all laughed at her. Furthermore, there was a quiz after meeting, and when SWIL-Newsella couldn't remember which Lauren, Erik, or Alex, was which, they made her sweep out the fireplace, which no one ever used. Then the Pterodactyls sent out invitations to every eligible young maiden in Swarthmore [Where "maiden", and in fact, "eligible", is loosely defined -c], to the Pterodactyl Hunt. However, SWIL-Newsella's evil step-presidents would not let her go. [You're going to make my Post-Cinderella Stress Syndrome flare up again -J] The evil step-presidents told SWIL-Newsella that if she wanted to go to the Pterodactyl Hunt, which was only a few weeks away, on October 1, she would have to do every little thing the cold and heartless step-presidents wanted. First, she would have to make a Hunter Orientation Video, which hunters at the Pterodactyl would watch to learn how to play. This would require many hard days of filming, being yelled at by an irrational and hateful cameraman, and being stabbed (or, in the case of poor Mendez, being kicked repeatedly in the ribs while a cameraman looked on). Then Jillian, the tall, witch-like evil step-president, batlike, with mousey eyes, said, "Also, while you're at it, SWIL-Newsella, make 30-50 swords in ML Lounge whenever you're doing something that doesn't require the use of your hands." [There *must* be a snarky comment on that -J][Yeah. We need some token sexual innuendo -c] SWIL-Newsella was just beginning to despair, when her Fairy Godrabble Jamison appeared. [Oh, I love Fairy Jamison -J] He said to her, "Do not worry, SWIL-Newsella, for I am your Fairy Godrabble, and I will help you get into the Pterodactyl Hunt! For you see, while your evil, heartless, bitchy step-presidents will not let you go to the Hunt as a cool Monster or Hunter, you can sneak in by agreeing to be an Orc, or Hobgoblin, or Squire. There, you will have to work hard, but you will eventually have great rewards. Also, you can wear funny hats, of which I am in favor." SWIL-Newsella did not believe that Jamison would be able to help her [Obviously because she is a little slow; if Fairy Jamison told me he could help *me*, I'd believe him -m]. So he brought SWIL-Newsella to the old, tired Wiki that rested in the basement of SWIL-Newsella's website, and waved his magic Apple-hammer three times, and the Wiki was suddenly promised to be transformed into a new, better Wiki. SWIL-Newsella was duly impressed. Then he told SWIL-Newsella that the handsome prince Bob Gross would be at the Hunt, [Horrified SCREAMS -cJ] looking for a bride. SWIL-Newsella realized if she was ever going to get away from her evil, heartless, bitchy, vile step-presidents and step-rabble, she needed to marry the handsome prince. So she got to work to help make the Hunt. First, she planned to hang signs from the windows of George, which advertised the Hunt. This required her to go to Goodwill and buy the sheets. But then, the Evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous step-presidents realized what SWIL-Newsella was trying to do. So they told her to do a thousand other tasks, which would take SWIL-Newsella until the end of time to complete. First, she had to watch "The Princess Bride" in SCI 101 on Monday, September 5, at 10 PM. There, she met a handsome swordsman named Inigo Montoya, who told her that the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel step-presidents had killed his father. He had vowed revenge upon them, but SWIL-Newsella, who was kind and loving at heart, told him she would try to get them to see the error of their ways before the Hunt began. While she was doing errands for the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous cruel, selfish step-presidents, the step-rabble partied, preparing to debauch at the Hunt. They pretended to kill each other in Kohlberg Coffee Bar, laughing all the while, and consulted the Oracle, asking which of them would marry the handsome prince (which, dear reader, if you do not remember, is Bob Gross. Certainly, you have heard some mention of him, no matter which foreign land you should come from). Then the step-rabble went to buy their clothing for the Hunt. They found the Shirt-Seller, Lauren Smith (lsmith4), who had for them marvelous SWIL shirts, which some of them had reserved months ago. They were not cheap, costing each step-rabble $10. And some, who had not reserved shirts, did not get any. So Lisa, one of the oldest of the step-rabble, said she would get "vintage" shirts for the rest of the step-rabble, if it was not too much work. Because, of course, all of SWIL-Newsella's step-rabble were lazy and selfish, and liked making SWIL-Newsella do everything for them. It was then that the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive step-presidents realized that if the handsome prince was to marry one of the step-rabble, he would come to live in George, the mansion which had belonged to SWIL-Newsella's dean, who died, under mysterious circumstance, several years ago. And so they ordered SWIL-Newsella to clean out the enormous library, because the handsome prince was well-known for liking science fiction and fantasy, but would not want to rifle through many books by Piers Anthony to find anything worth reading. So SWIL-Newsella tried to see if any of her step-rabble would help her find all of the old, damaged, and worthless books and remove them from the library. Only Jackie (jwerner1), the kindly librarian, was willing to help, because of course she was not one of SWIL-Newsella's step-rabble, or, God forbid, one of her evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly step-presidents. Taking advantage of the fact that SWIL-Newsella was already looking at books, Miriam and Susan, the most domineering of SWIL-Newsella's step-rabble, ordered her to Submit to BEM, the SWIL sci-fi/fantasy fiction/art magazine, by e-mailing bem @ swil.org While SWIL-Newsella wrote many stories in her spare time, she was afraid that her step-rabble would make fun of her if she tried. In any case, Miriam told her the absolute final deadline was two weeks from today (in actuality, this is sometime in the spring). The step-rabble decided that the day before the Hunt (September 30), they would go to see Serenity. They did not invite SWIL-Newsella; in fact, they told her to rent the van and drive them. She hoped that perhaps Jim, or Lisa, or Lauren Stokes might drive instead, as she did not have a driver's licence. Because they thought she might crash it, the step-rabble told SWIL-Newsella she shouldn't rent the van to take them to Serenity; they told Susan to do it. Jamison then appeared again, and told SWIL-Newsella that he would arrange it so that she could get the tickets for all of the step-rabble. He said he would e-mail them, and take their money, and would then arrange the tickets for the step-rabble. Then he reminded SWIL-Newsella that helping out so much made her a wonderful person, even though she felt, sometimes, like her step-rabble's bitch. SWIL-Newsella wondered whether, if she was such a nice person, she might get something now. Jamison paused, and then waved his magical Apple-hammer at the step-rabble, and the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous step-presidents. Susan was almost transformed into Mini-Love, but when Arthur began to transform into Mega-Love, Jamison undid the whole spell right there. Then Abby was transformed into a superhero, named Dr. Death (powers: whatever I want them to be, bitch). Jamison admitted, sadly, that this didn't actually help, and may have, in fact, made things worse. But it was the thought that counted. Then he transformed Mai, the smallest of the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial step-presidents, into a Penguin, which was promptly squished by Andrew, the malest of the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy step-presidents. Then Jamsion transformed Sarah into the Minister to the Rock, after much bickering with Noda, one of the more argumentative of the step-rabble. Finally, he decided to be done with it, and transformed Arthur into Nega-Love and Mecha-Love (although he admitted the latter might cause more trouble down the road), and Susan into Micro-Love. Although she was an evil step-rabble, Miriam won the lottery, with lucky number seven. She turned down a Listerine Pocket Pack, and instead won a Q-tip. She mocked SWIL-Newsella for many days, because she had won the lottery, and SWIL-Newsella hadn't. While SWIL-Newsella was sweeping up the meeting room, Jackie announced that Terry Pratchett would be coming to Philadelphia on Wednesday, September 14. She was going to organize a trip for all of the step-rabble to see him, buy his books, get them signed, and (because these were *evil* step-rabble) kidnap him and lock him in George with Neil Gaiman (why the step-rabble liked kidnapping science fiction and fantasy authors, I don't know; it is one of those mysteries you get in tales like this). Miriam then announced that before the Pterodactyl Hunt, there would be a Ball, of sorts: a Contra, in upper Tarble, with Scott Hicks calling. Of course, they were all excited, as a Contra is an easy, fun type of Folk Dancing, but it was not nearly as exciting as the prospect of meeting a real Handsome Prince at the Hunt (You will, of course, remember that the Handsome Prince's name was Bob Gross). Andrew, the malest of the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous step-presidents, hired a number of Assassins. Because he was, after all, evil, he told them all to kill each other. They were told not to grope each other, unless two consenting assassins decided to do so. This was, after all, to keep people from groping each other inappropriately. This Friday, the 9th of September, the two evil step-rabble named Lauren announced, there would be arts and crafts, and then Wink, a game the step-rabble played in which they tried very hard to inflict injury upon each other. It was the sort of game that no civilized step-rabble would play, but such is the way of things in fairy-tales. Lisa, then, because she loved torturing SWIL-Newsella, told her that every one of the step-rabble that played in an RPG, should send SWIL-Newsella a summary of what happens, so that SWIL-Newsella could type it up and publish a zine. Remembering the words of her Fairy God-Rabble Jamison, however, SWIL-Newsella agreed to do this, because although they were mean to her, she knew that she should help her step-rabble. She even asked the step-rabble to alert the FUN list if there were openings in any games. SWIL-Newsella then learned that while she was doing errands for her evil step-rabble, Vertigo-go had had an open play day, where lots of people gathered to improv and do lots of fun things. It started at 3, in NuDorm lounge, which SWIL-Newsella missed because she was sweeping up all of the arms Eliza, the most ninja-y of the step-rabble, had cut off with the lightsaber she gave to her presidents, who were, as we have already stated, SWIL-Newsella's evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome step-presidents. "O great presidents," she said, "It has come to my attention that you needed a new legendary weapon with which to dismember people." Arthur, the most Arthur of the step-rabble, mocked Eliza's hokey religion, and she slew him with the lightsaber. Then she presented the lightsaber to her presidents, adding that it was not a good idea to poke people with it, as it was better to cut off limbs with it. Susan then announced that Boy Meets Tractor, the only sketch comedy group in the whole of Swarthmore, was holding auditions. SWIL-Newsella, of course, was not invited, as all of the step-rabble thought she was stupid and non-funny. Jillian, the purpleest of the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant step-presidents, announced an Advanced Roundsing, to which SWIL-Newsella was not invited, because although she had a beautiful voice, she had to make prop. Then the old man Jim knocked at the door to George, and asked the evil step-rabble for money to help the victims of Katrina. Of course, if they didn't want to give him money now, they could donate money online late at night when the servers weren't busy. Then the night of Hunt arrived. While many of the older step-rabble went as Pterodactyls, or werewolves, or other fancy monsters, SWIL-Newsella hid herself as a lowly squire, knowing that none of the evil step-rabble would care what a squire was doing, despite the fact that they were among the most important parts of the Hunt. When the handsome prince (who, dear reader, if you have forgotten, is Bob Gross) arrived, it was with great fanfare. Also at the Hunt were the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant, despicable step-presidents. They wished to make sure that the handsome prince fell in love with one of SWIL-Newsella's evil step-rabble, and no one else. So they bewitched the Oracle, and befuddled the hunters, and made sure that any hunter that looked better than their rabble (SWIL-Newsella's step-rabble) died in a horrible manner befitting a person covered in contact poison. But when the hunters complained of the terrible actions of the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant, despicable, hateful step-presidents, a lowly squire stepped forward. "While the monsters at the Hunt may be trained to be right," the squire said, "Abusing their power like this is a terrible thing. Stop right now, evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant, despicable, hateful, vicious step-presidents!" The evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant, despicable, hateful, vicious, heteronormative step-presidents laughed and spat poison at SWIL-Newsella. "What can you do against us?" they demanded. "Who in all the world could stand up against us?" Then, from behind them, came a voice. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Because they had been too busy yelling at SWIL-Newsella, the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant, despicable, hateful, vicious, heteronormative, inconceivable step-presidents had not seen Inigo Montoya (who, dear readers, if you wish to check, was mentioned several paragraphs earlier than this). And so with one stroke, he slew them, leaving their bloated corpses to be eaten by Spondees. [Then there was Inigo Montoya/Bob Gross slash -c][This is now Google-able -m][This is called using your powers for evil -J][Well we know he's evil; he's one of the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant, despicable, hateful, vicious, heteronormative, inconceivable, corrupt step-presidents -c] SWIL-Newsella, who was, after all, a kind person, cried over the bodies of the evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant, despicable, hateful, vicious, heteronormative, inconceivable, corrupt, dead step-presidents. Bob Gross, who had watched all of this from the side (as he was, dear reader, a scholar, and not a warrior), stepped forward. "I am very impressed, unnamed squire," he said. "Please, tell me your name." But then the Fairy God-Rabble Jamison appeared, with a horde of Fairy Belgian Mercenaries behind him. "We're supposed to be having a Hunt!" he shouted. "So let there be slaughter! Also, Vengeance!" So, Bob Gross never did learn SWIL-Newsella's name. However, as she thanked Inigo Montoya, he admitted that her bravery was what had allowed him the chance to finally avenge his father's death, and so there, at the Hunt, the Wizards married them, declaring that never before had they seen such evidence of "Twoo Wuv." THE END ----- Attendance List of Snarfing the Wine Cortland "Michael" Setlow finlay "best defense" logan Michael "glub glub" Noda Gregory "Hard Luck Woman" Robinson George "Dahl" Dahl nmmn "Venger the Great, Lord of Non... MOOSE" Jamison Erik "_insert_something_funny_here" Ellis David "Dragonrider" Kornfilt Chris "I did not attend this meeting" White Jackie "Woke up, ate a sandwich, went to sleep" Werner Malcolm "has no clue what's going on" Augat Revan "Revan" Williams Sarah "OM" Hartman Allison " " Barlow Katie "Not null" Bates Miriam "Why was there horseradish in my macaroni and cheese?" Newman Jeff "because I put it there." Kaufman XLAE [well, the letters are written on top of each other -c] "q" George Miles "eh?" Skorpen Meggie Ladlow Amber Viescas David "Pupkin" Pupkin BDan "insert into AttendanceList set Name = 'BDan Fairchild'" Fairchild Jim "so about this rumor that the Orientation Video will be a snuff film..." Moskowitz "And then there was the curious incident of the" Abby Friedman "in the nighttime." Lauren "Susan A. Zell" Smith Susan "Lauren R. Smith" Zell Marie "technically not Mary Wootters" Cosgrove-Davies Lauren "fish schtick" Goodfriend Lisa "that wine fucking hurt my nose!" Spitalewitz Arthur "God's unopened gift to women" Chu Eliza "For the honor!" Blair James "Lula" Mendez Hodes Margaret Cosgriff A LLama Fourteen Thousand Peruvian Dancing Llamas Jerome "Aaah... we're seniors!" Fung Emmanuelle "TheCute" Wambach ^ @ @ ^ \ . / Kim "Phoenix Rising" Comer Mike "of death" Karcher Death of Rats George Dahl Abby "recurrent" Friedman Lauren "George E. Dahl" Smith Marie "Grojhi Dh-al" Cosgrove-Davies Lisa "Why?! Why did you kill me? Why? WHY!? :: big teary eyes :: Spitalewitz Jean* "refusing to suck others into the procrastination vortex" Schneider DAVID "[Jillian can't read this]" Stifler * Jean is a dirty liar -The evil, heartless, bitchy, vile, monstrous, cruel, selfish, vindictive, ugly, murderous, dictatorial, untidy, squamous, loathsome, unpleasant, despicable, hateful, vicious, heteronormative, inconceivable, corrupt, only mostly-dead, unimaginative step-presidents Fist, Man, and Curtain Stay Tuned NEXT WEEK, when we shall tell the story of "Little Red Riding SWIL-News" [I HATE YOU ALL -J] [But I *love* your red pen! -m]