From jgoldie @ sccs.swarthmore.edu Thu Dec 8 20:55:42 2005 Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2005 20:46:02 -0500 (EST) From: Jillian G. Waldman Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: SWILnews Subject: Vote SWILnews #10 On Fire for Student Council! Many thanks to all who wrote or sent in platforms, and to Sarah for typing up the notes. Apologies to Jackie and Andrew. SWIL Presidential voting will take place this Saturday (the 10th) at meeting. If you're not yet eligible to vote, you have three days in which to attend three consecutive meetings and prove your sentience. If you're not going to be able to make it to meeting and *are* eligible to vote, you have until 10:00 am Saturday morning to email in your votes. Votes should consist of a ranked list of your top three tickets, plus an indication of "no confidence" if you don't like any of them. Happy finals! ~ The Ironic Presidency == SWIL Business == The meeting was called 12:10ish to disorder and was declared "Festive, but jarring." It was immediately celebrated with the building of PepperHenge right on top of the table. Finlay purchased PepperHenge from Andrew for the a mere two salts and Jackie. Jackie revolted, causing Pasta Bar to stop producing food. The presidents promised that movie voting will happen. No, really, we swear. Also, Andrew likes having stuff to do. Alex led Strategic Napkin Implementation Talks. PhilCon is this weekend. A contingent is heading to Center City on Friday on the 2:54 R3 to see the theramin demonstration (theramins are those science fiction WoooOOOooo things)(they were invented by Leon Theramin, who was apparently kidnapped by the Soviet Union after inventing them - Jim). Another contingent is planning on living at Philcon all weekend. You should go. You should wear your SWILshirt. You should probably get a weekend pass (to Philcon, not to SEPTA), since they're only $5 more than a one-day pass (if you're under 25). There will be meeting up for Friday dinner somewhere (see fun, contact Mark, handler @ sccs), and meeting up at Kingdom of Vegetarians for dinner on Saturday (with Ben!). People danced for Alex's amusement. It was voted that SWIL collectively constitutes a biohazard. The phrase "box of SWIL members" broke people There will be some sort of Parlor gaming next week posted to FUN. == Presidential Nominations == It was decided that nominations and platforms should be done separately, with non-SWIL business in between. The following were nominated for SWILpresident: --The Turks from Final Fantasy VII --Arthur/Greg subtext --Picard(TM)/Q subtext --Stanley Milgram and Phil Zimbardo --Jackie on Fire --Thucydides --Alex, Blackjack, and Hookers (Eliza: Yaaaaay....wait....) --The Zombies of CS Lewis, JRR Tolkien, and Douglas Adams --Finlay, Eliza, and Lassie (Lassie refuses to run) --Jackie, Eliza, and Finlay --Kinsey, Hoover, and Phillips --Lord Julius' Goat and The Square Root of Negative Yak --Apathy --Grendel, His Mother, and the Dragon --Sarah's thesis --Beowulf the 70s Rock Opera and Beowulf the Modern Rock Opera --Jerry Lewis' stepbrother and a cigarette --The cryogenically frozen remains of Walt Disney --Jackthur/Gregiza subtext --None Of The Above --Ethan Ucker --All Nominated Tickets plus Andrew Brown --All the Frosh plus All the Alums --The Chat List == Lottery == Sarah won the lottery. She got to choose between a neon yellow pop-hopper thing, and the Mystery Bowl (and the Presidency! PRESIDENCY!) She selected the mystery bowl, also obtaining the contents of the Mystery Pocket, and received a Napkin, plus Whatever Was in Andrew's Pocket. (String or nothing. -j) == Non-SWIL Business == --Wind Ensemble 4pm LANG Wednesday. Come so that Andrew isn't sad. --Vote for None of the Above. --Jamboree tonighta nd Monday 7pm -- Cantatrix is second to the end, so stay --Drama Board's Night of Scenes SCI 101 7 on Sunday --Sunday 3pm in LPAC the Gamelan performance --Sunday 3pm ROUNDSING!! in the Belltower --Boy Meets Tractor is filming a video on Parrish Beach about ASSassins about 1:15pm --1-4 on Wednesday reading from 1-act plays written by Playwriting workshop --we voted to give Mai shock therapy so that she can distinguish Andrew from Arthur, and combine it with a psych experiment to see if people will do that if we tell them to --Ruach Hannukah party in Mephistos 8pm Wednesday; possible jelly donuts and Israeli folk dancing --People owe other people money --Andrew can't kill Arthur because he has D&D == Presidential Platforms == The Turks from Final Fantasy VII Because they're badass. Arthur/Greg subtext Their love is so bald. Also, there's a highly distressing picture: http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall05/election/ArthurGregSubtext!.jpg (Jackie's doing.) Picard(TM)/Q subtext Three times makes it tradition; proof available. (It'll go up in http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall05/election/ when/if we get a copy of it. -c) Stanley Milgram and Phil Zimbardo Sadistic social psychologists who will confirm that we're all terrible people. (No, I don't know who they are either. -c) Jackie on Fire There are many things that Jackie on fire would contribute not only to the SWIL community, but to the greater community at large. I feel that is only appropriate to enumerate a few of the reasons we should vote Jackie on fire. --Jackie on fire will cure AIDS. --Jackie on fire will end world hunger, pay off the national debt, and leave every bathroom on campus smelling lemon-fresh. --Jackie on fire will bring peace to the Middle East, but not, unfortunately, to Sioux Falls, Iowa. --Jackie on fire will not only make Paces and Qub free, but will make sure students get paid a million dollars each for going. --Jackie on fire promises that heaven will include a beer volcano and stripper factory. --Jackie on fire will not prevent grade inflation. --Jackie on fire will listen to the concerns of all Swils, and promptly ignore them. Because, like, she's on fire. And kinda preoccupied. --While pirates may be infinitely superior to ninjas, Jackie on fire defeated them all in the 7th century BC. Which is why you don't see any today. --You know the furnace in the basement of your dorm, that heats the whole building when it's cold out like today? Yeah, that's actually Jackie on Fire. --Jackie on Fire plans on using the SWIL presidency as a stepping-stone for her brutal plan for global domination... Actually, I don't know how that one got in there. Never mind. --Jackie on Fire transcends traditional notions of race, class, and gender. In conclusion, we should vote Jackie on Fire in this upcoming election, because Jackie on Fire is hott. http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall05/election/jackieonfire.jpg Thucydides SWILnews would be highly detailed and involve lengthy battle descriptions Alex, Blackjack, and Hookers Alex: Look it's me; I don't really do anything. I won't run SWILmeeting, make a wiki, etc, but there will be blackjack and hookers. I will get SAC funding for hoookers if you bring in reciepts. Hookers for all! If we can't afford hookers, there's always Jackie. The Zombies of CS Lewis, JRR Tolkien, and Douglas Adams Andrew wants to reanimate above in quest for necromancy in order to create best SWILcon ever: all British, all undead, two Christians, one atheist; they will run a succcessful SWILcon and leave thousands of corpses in their wake Finlay, Eliza, and Lassie (Lassie refuses to run) Because Timmie has fallen down the well again Jackie, Eliza, and Finlay o Serious + More fun!!!!! # Fun meetings, fun events * Longer meetings + Many more events + More on-campus stuff--try to get more non-MLers involved # Better balance + SWILMovie attendance + SWILNews on time!!!!! # And we mean it!!!!! + More mandate (if interest) # Meeting w/local sf/f clubs # Events # Speaker? * Eliza has connections! + We are in favor of roundsings and filksings + Move George * Not Serious + If elected, we promise not to flip out and kill each other + If Greg votes for us, we will actually set Jackie on fire + Rupert Giles as Cordwainer Librarian + Kidnap Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, put them in a closet, make them write more novels # Kidnap Alan Rickman # Kidnap Great Britain + Funny hats + Pie charts! Pie charts! Pie charts! There were pie charts. So many pie charts. And graphs. And a helpful graphic. http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall05/election/funfinal.jpg http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall05/election/mandate.JPG http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall05/election/ENJOY.png Kinsey, Hoover, and Phillips They can fuck, suck, and screw, respectively. [should I have censored that? -c] Lord Julius' Goat and The Square Root of Negative Yak Tradition! Apathy Apathy has no platform. Apathy needs no platform. Grendel, His Mother, and the Dragon Grendel hates you all! Sarah's thesis Because it has a large pile of papers which is sort of like a platform. [Sarah, did you ever find that paper shredder? -c] Beowulf the 70s Rock Opera and Beowulf the Modern Rock Opera Cry. Cry. We all die. Jerry Lewis' stepbrother and a cigarette Because it makes Marie cry and it's an image that will never leave your mind. (At this point, Andrew was handed the means to create fire) Cryogenically frozen remains of Walt Disney Wald Disney is in horrendous frozen halflife so long as his trademark does not run out. He will not get moldy and can manipulate the Supreme Court, Congreess, and Children; children are in his thrall -- he is more recognizeable than God. He will lead us into eternity. Jackthur/Gregiza subtext Picard, Q, Subtext won first round of voting one year. 4 of us remember this. Actual students nominated against their will (Greg, Arthur, and Jonathan) came in 3rd. Arthur/Greg subtext stands to overthrow this. Arthur wants to keep the presidency in the hands of people who are half of some genetically modified halfbreed of people who want to actually run. These people were involved with other distressing halfbreeds; see photos. These are distractions from the real truth. They frequently invade each other's personal space, bringing each other cockroaches and hard liquor, showing up in each other's beds, and in each other's room sover break. Went back in time to prevent Jackthur set on fire. This human condition, love, it's a dangerous thing Gregiza, and you're ill-prepared to handle it. If Arthur had known sooner, he would have appeared entirely female. (long, strange diatribe omitted or forgotten) This subtext should be elected along with Finlayson, whom everyone assumes will run. SWIL continues with romance and adventure. Traumatic pictures: http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall05/election/Subtext/ None Of The Above Having a banner year this year, cropped up all over the place. Has also run for student council for every office. Never sleeps and has no flaws. Always around, no limitations on its SWIL schedule, doesn't take classes at Swarthmore, will not order pizza while interviewing people for Appointments positions; does not eat pizza, will not take our chili away; influential force on SWIL politics, despite fact has not been serioiusly campaigned for; many polls taken result in NoTA; 2/3 SWIL presidential candidate said preferred to date NoTA; however, most people prefer On-Fire Dominatrix Jackie over being SWILpresident. Pictures/slides: http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Fall05/election/NOTA/ Ethan Ucker Everyone rags on the presidents anyway; this way we don't have to feel bad about doing it. All Nominated Tickets plus Andrew Brown Turks: becasue he used to be Andrew-Meridith-Andrew; nobody; business but the... Arthur/Greg: Andrew is hotter than any of them Picard/Q: create more slash than entire PotterVerse Z/M: three candidates nobody has heard of except for the Econ department who think they're assholes Thucydides: homoeroticism greek history Blackjack, hookers: Russian Mafia sponsored gambling connections Zombies: today their work wouldu all make shitty films Finlay Eliza Lassie: Eliza needs a hairy little friend Jackie Eliza Finlay: Andrew provides the necessary boost to man-date Kinsey hoover phillips: fuck, suck, screw, and bite Goat/Yak: every year we have to nominate in-jokes which are old and not that funny Apathy: spend all day home in bed with somebody Grendel: half the girls in SWIL write sexy postmodern fiction about both of them Walt Disney: furry little critter to melt Walt's heart None of the Above: both candidates that get nominated just to piss off the real ones Frosh, Alums -- same distain for current students, lusted after by upperclassmen Chat list: equally ineffective at ending pointless debates Slash: wasn't creepy enough to photoshop 4 people together, we also had to photoshop together...alex and eliza Beowulf rock opera: make Jackie turn a really funny color Stepbrother, cigarette: distorted representation of sexuality in France, White House, and SWIL Thesis: things only SWIL ling majors really understand All tickets plus Andrew: we need infinite recursion All the Frosh plus All the Alums The Alums know what should be done, and the frosh have the idealism and energy to get it done. (The frosh were quick to deny this.) The Chat List When SWIL had its most recent presidential crisis, the alums in their sage wisdom blew it out of proportion with ideas from the late 80's and early 90's. We want this skillful and topical research to run out club. Vote for the chat list or they'll argue at you all day unless you're not subscribed. Meeting was called to LET'S GO GET HOOKERS at 1:30. == Attendance List of Raffling off the Presidency == Andrew "What's Behind Door Number One" Conforti Brown Jackie "My name is not Jimmy, or Billy, or Lassie, or On Fire, and I HATE YOU ALL. Taco." Werner Finlay "if _I_ were in charge, then lottery prizes would be disembodied nostrils." Logan Eliza "Mandatory fun for all!" Blair Alex "I'm voting for Eliza, Finlay, and Lassie!" Pshenichkin (or Angus) Jim "I wasn't at SWILmeeting, see why it pays to help write SWILnews?" Moskowitz Mike "double-plus-good" Karcher Abigail "Whelmed" Graber Marie "a merciful God has rewarded me with Sharples macaroni & cheese" Cosgrove-Davies Miles "Pasta Bar is revolting!" Skorpen Margaret "Strategic napkin superiority" Cosgriff Margaret "I will defeat you with my paper napkin origami dragon swans" Ladlow Rebecca "Outside of a suitcase SWILmeeting is the best thing ever" Goldman Gregory "Asteroid Blues" Robinson Jackthur Werchu Dreading the day when we'll have to come up with sigs for the Attendance List, (among other things) The Ironic Presidency