Herbert's Hat Collection: This ticket will be superior to past SWIL presidencies because, unlike past SWIL presidents, they will have a responsible human owner who will keep them clean and in good repair. Herbert is likely to be conscientious about this task, as opposed to Alex, BDan, Will Quale, Noda, Mark Handler, Chris White, Sam Jenkins and so on, all of whom have let their presidents slide into their current slovenly, stained and threadbare state. 1001 obscure in-jokes: Lo, it is said that in the long ago days of the last SWIL dynasty, the people of SWIL were sorely betrayed by their alumni, and a great plague of condoms and urine rained down upon the land, and in their great rage the SWILlies did elect a ticket of such rage and power that it would lay waste to SWIL across the land. But there came a maiden fair and pure and wise, the Princess Scheharthurzade, who told the SWILfolk that if they would delay their vengeance but for one night, she would tell them an in-joke of such sublime hilarity that they would forget their anger, call off the fury of the Ticket That Would Destroy SWIL, and bring peace upon the land. Skeptical but fascinated by her beauty, the SWILfolk relaxed backward into their cushions, lighting their great hookah pipes, and bade her begin. But she would not begin until she had received the SWILfolkÕs assurance that no matter what happened, they would not begin the election process until she finished reading her platform of in-jokes, and in the end the SWILfolk grudgingly acquiesced. ÒThis in-joke,Ó began Sherarthurzade, Òis the in-joke of the young boy Elizaddin and his magic Roomba.Ó Long ago, in the far-off land of the Middle West, a boy named Elizaddin lived with his sickly mother in the most abject of poverty. Scrabbling in the dust to survive, every day was a constant struggle, until one day in the bazaar Elizaddin came upon a tall, dark, sinister man from a faraway country. The man stroked his unseasonably warm fur hat and in his sickly, cracked voice called out, ÒRoombas for sale! Roombas for sale!Ó ÒA Roomba? If a Roomba could only clean up some of our dust, perhaps we need no longer scrabble in it all the time!Ó ÒPlease, sir, I have very little coin, but is there some way I might buy one of your marvelous Roombas?Ó begged young Elizaddin. The merchant looked the boy up and down and leered malevolently. ÒI might have something for you. There is a very special Roomba hidden deep in the desert, down in the very Basement of Wonders.Ó ÒThe Basement of Wonders, sir?Ó ÒAye. They say it holds the magic power to grant wishes. There is a fearsome Jackie within it that will do anything you wish!Ó ÒAnything? Will it write SWILnews and run meeting and talk to the alumni?Ó ÒAll that and more. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale of how the Jackie was originally discovered?Ó The boy nodded eagerly. ÒVery well. Here is the story of the Fisherchris and the Jackie.Ó Long ago, a poor Fisherchris was plying his trade, rowing up and down the muddy waters of the coast trying unsuccessfully to attract fish with his plaintive cries of ÒI hate you all! I hate you all! Goddamned fish! Berlioz! Hector Berlioz!Ó When suddenly he felt something in his net that he struggled to pull into his boat. It seemed old, stained and mud-encrusted, but no sooner did he wipe some of the filth from it than he recognized what it was. It was an original manuscript of Robert SchumannÕs Symphonic Etudes, Opus 13! Priceless! Fascinating! One of the earliest pieces to fully explore the range of tones, intervals, timbres and colors that could be generated by a piano keyboard! The Fisherchris immediately pulled up on the beach and began analyzing the etudes, applying every branch of musicology at his disposal, both abstract musical theory and comparative musical history, until he came to a passage that seemed to resist his advances most fervently. But applying his brilliant compositional skills, he pulled a grand piano from his pocket and began performing the piece with such alacrity that the being trapped within gave way before him, yielding to his virtuosity, until with a screaming, resonating sound of an augmented fifth in E flat, the horrific visage of a great Jackie appeared before him. ÒWho has summoned me to be his slave?!Ó screamed the great, bloated, monstrous, oozing, tentacled, demonic figure, wrapped in the garb of a great lesbian dominatrix, and lo did the Fisherchris cower and tremble and wet himself in his baggy baggy pants. ÒFace me, my Master!Ó said the Jackie, and bowed low to the ground. ÒFor I am your slave and must do your every bidding!Ó ÒEverything?Ó piped up the Fisherchris hopefully. ÒEven Ð Ò ÒYes! With ALL the alumni! Especially the sketchy ones!Ó ÒBut you are a being of such Ð such enormous and fearful stature, and gravitas, and horrible tortured power ripped from the very souls of the damned in hell!Ó cried the Fisherchris, and it was so, for even as she spoke the Jackie was wreathed in rippling green flames. ÒHow is it that you labor under such a terrible curse?Ó ÒA curse it is, by the will of Allah! Hear my tale and tremble, mortal man, lest a similar fate befall you! For once I was free to roam the land, taking my pleasure from such lesbians as I wished, but now I am accursed to do the bidding of human and alumnus alike, lower than the meanest Environmental Services employee! Trapped, trapped within that etude, under a geas to spend eternity analyzing its chromatic transitions until the day a mortal such as yourself might complete the analysis and set me free, leaving me your subservient sweaty slave for life! And all because I was bested, defeated, beaten and bound by that cunning rogue, that artful adventurer, Mindaz the Mariner!Ó ÒMindaz the Mariner? WhoÕs that?Ó ÒHave you never heard the tale of the Many Voyages of Mindaz the Mariner!Ó ÒNo, but about those wishes I could get granted Ð Ò ÒSilence! Now, foolish mortal, you shall be forced to hear another edifying fable! Behold, the tale of Mindaz the MarinerÉÓ Once upon a time, there was a wealthy man with not a care in the world. In the happy preparatory school of Andover did he spend his days, relaxing with his friends in the study of kung fu and the appreciation of the finest hip-hop his fatherÕs gold could buy. And then one day there came a message that his parents had died in a tragic, unexpected outbreak of ninjas, and he would have to support himself. Undaunted, the young Mindaz set out to rebuild his fortune through adventure and excitement. Declaring war on all ninjas, he set out to build the finest pirate crew he could find, spending the remainder of his fortune on the saltiest sea dogs he could taste, the sauciest ship he could build without exhausting the local portsÕ supply of sauce, and, of course, the most flamboyant outfits money could buy, taking great care to amputate his left leg and replace it with a sturdy peg of the stoutest, firmest oak. And a-raiding and a-pillaging did his crew go, and many great conquests did they make upon the naked, savage barbarians of the islands of Roogbi, and many muffins did they acquire. But not long could they bask in the glory of their newfound chocolate chips, for the gods of Roogbi grew wroth, and behold, a great storm appeared on the horizon. And brave Mindaz stood firm and shouted, ÒLet us simply use our kung-fu action, men!Ó And they unleashed the strongest kung fu they could, but alas, the storm system was an enormous configuration of air currents, with no nervous system, no pressure points and no discernible center of mass, and all their knowledge was for naught. And so did Mindaz unleash his fiercest hip-hop, with beats of tremendous power and skill, and yet the storm was but a nonsentient natural phenomenon with neither hearing nor any experience of the rigors of growing up alone and poor on the street, and thus remained unmoved. And behold, the storm gathered itself into a terrifying formation of great tightness and zeal, and rushed itself upon MindazÕs ship, and unable to resist, Mindaz and his men were rucked over. And rucked over hard. Mindaz awoke to find himself clinging to a piece of driftwood on an unfamiliar beach, stripped of his conical straw hat and all bling, and indeed of all clothing whatsoever. A strange-looking man stood near him, guarding a fire on which he was roasting a small meal. ÒIt has been a long time since any others came to my island,Ó said the hermit, tossing his fiery red hair. ÒSo little to eat here, except the stale hot dogs, the pickled eggs and the lesbians. I am very glad of your company. I hope we can become friends.Ó ÒPerhaps,Ó said Mindaz, struggling to his feet and adopting a defensive stance. ÒWho are you? And what are you doing here?Ó ÒAh, my tale is a sad one,Ó murmured the stranger. ÒGreat wealth and respect I had once, long ago, when I was a person of great objective importance in my homeland. Once. I should never have trusted those alumni.Ó ÒAlumni? Here?Ó cried out Mindaz in panic. ÒNay. But it is thanks to a band of particularly fierce alumni that I was reduced to my present sorry state. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale?Ó ÒIt seems that, trapped as I am on a deserted island, I have no choice, nor anything else better to do with my time,Ó said Mindaz. ÒGood. Then here is the tale of I, Finlay Baba, and the Forty Alums.Ó I was once called Finlay Baba, the most respected merchant in all the lands, alongside my lazy and shiftless brother Kitsim I lived in the greatest city in the land, buying and selling the finest airplanes from the Orient. I was a good and a holy man; I gave generously of my own income to the wiki, as holy writ demands; I examined all my moral beliefs carefully to ensure that they followed from the fundamental principle that A is A; and I was a loyal and steadfast worshipper of Shaitan, the Great Deceiver Who Spits in the Face of Allah. And yet one day I came home from a hard day at work objectifying, only to find a great pastel chalking on my front patio. And it contained a strange and mystic phrase, the phrase ÒOPEN SWAPA ZINE.Ó And as soon as I spoke those words a great swirling smoke took me to a cave, deep beneath the Earth, where a seemingly endless bounty of delicate paperback copies of crappy pulp science fiction novels, foam noodles, and rat droppings. And I beheld the leering faces of the most dangerous men I had ever seen. Fearless despoilers and brigands, hardened warriors with no fear of law, of God or of Public Safety. These were the Forty Alumni. And their leader narrowed his eyes and spoke to me. ÒLong have we awaited your coming, Finlay Baba!Ó he boomed, Òand soon you shall be ours!Ó ÒStay back!Ó I shouted. ÒFor I am a goodhearted and noble devil- worshipper, and shall have no traffic with the dealings of alums!Ó ÒAh,Ó he said, and smiled, raising his great duct-tape-wrapped foam weapon to my face. ÒBut you have not yet experienced the secret ways of forbidden pleasure. The sublime pathÉ of the Winducaust.Ó ÒThe what?Ó ÒThe ancient ways of our people, long buried beneath the Earth, but once they did change the world. Would you like to hear the tale?Ó ÒPlease. I love stories, especially if theyÕre interminably nested.Ó ÒGood. Then this is the origin story of our people, the Tale of the Great Caliph Jillharoun al-Rashid and the Three Lusty Slave BoysÉÓ TRANSLATORÕS NOTE: The remainder of the text of Sir Richard BurtonÕs translation of the 1001 In-Jokes has been redacted and expurgated by the Victorian Commission for Decency in Art, on the grounds of indecency, homoeroticism, polyamory, bestiality, demonology, just plain ickiness, overt pornography and a potentially infinite recursion. Blackjack and Hookers (Malcolm and Meggie) WeÕll make our own science fiction club! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, screw the science fiction! WeÕll just have a club! For blackjack! And hookers! In fact, screw the club! WeÕll just have blackjack and hookers! No, screw the blackjack! WeÕll just have hookers. No, screw the hookers! ThatÕs a good idea. WeÕll screw the hookers. Oh, boy, will we screw the hookers. Hey, Meggie. The Platonic Ideal of Andrew Brown There are three advantages to the Platonic ideal of Andrew Brown as opposed to his concrete instantiation. First, the real Andrew Brown, by being located in a particular space and time, cannot truly have an infinite degree of hatred for all sentient beings Ð in order to express the emotion of hatred an individual being must first enter his thought processes and be briefly considered by his brain before the label of hatred can be applied to it. Even if his hatred is unbounded, it is only potentially infinite rather than actually infinite Ð it can be arbitrarily large but never equal to a transfinite number, whereas an abstract, imaginary Andrew Brown is capable of hating all beings in the universe simultaneously regardless of whether their sentience has been specifically proven or not, similar to a hypothetical Turing machine that could solve the halting problem automatically for all conceivable algorithms. The Platonic Andrew thus holds a mild, cordial, completely nonsexual platonic hatred for all people with a cardinality equal to aleph-null Ð or, if we accept the continuum theory of Andrew Brown, is capable of hating all hypothetical transitional states between one form of sentience to another continuously, thus bringing his hatred cardinality to aleph-one, or perhaps higher. The second advantage is that Platonic ideals, as opposed to real objects, can be expressed in pure binary terms. Any point in space is either part of the object or not, and the object is either in any particular state or any particular location or not, and the objectÕs nature is very clearly defined by a logically consistent set of parameters. The object is not vulnerable to partial or ambiguous states, and is not defined by the problematic definitions of objects in real space by macroscopic phase boundaries that are themselves governed by the uncertainty of wave functions at the quantum level. In other words, Platonic ideals are invulnerable to what formal logicians term Òfuzzy logicÓ; they are, as an epistemologist would put it, not Òhairy conceptsÓ. The advantages of this over the real Andrew Brown should be obvious. Finally, the most important advantage of the Platonic Ideal of Andrew Brown is that, like all Platonic ideals, it exists in an imaginary, conceptual space rather than the real world, and therefore we would never have to actually interact with it ever again. Ever. The Abstract Idea of Andrew Brown In this SWILlie I will endeavor to disprove the propositions that grumpiness is inversely correlated with popularity, that normalcy of personality is directly correlated with boringness of names, that there is any upper bound to the amount of hair a single human being can grow in a single region of the body, and that actuaries are, by the strictest sense of the word, people. I will do this using a variety of sources, including short films, a ÒplayÓ called ÒApplesauceÓ, a SWIL presidential term, a large collection of water guns, the entirety of the books published by Wizards of the Coast in the 3rd edition and later of Dungeons and Dragons, and an obscure ritual known only as the ÒAndy Brown danceÓ. Something concrete If we replace the SWILpresidents with something concrete, this will have several benefits. The SWILpresidents will become much more massive and can be used for holding down papers, tying down balloons, and blocking the doors shut, which would greatly increase their utility at SWILmeeting. They would become far more resistant to being lost or destroyed, and corrode much more slowly when left in the rain. And, of course, taking a cue from the pigeons, we would feel far less guilty when we decided to shit all over them. The Alex/Eliza Text For my senior thesis in English, I have chosen this text for SWILpresident, which, though it may seem a familiar, indeed, hackneyed, saccharine, and almost wholly uninteresting text to a jaded audience, under the trained eye of a literary critic yields many promising avenues for deconstruction. For instance, let us examine the most fundamental assumption of the text, embedded in its title Ð that of a fundamental binary between Alex and Eliza. This would seem to be a natural assumption at first, and yet upon a closer look, there are inherent tensions and complications in this concept. For example, the hair. Also, the glasses. And the face. And how often do we see the two of them apart? Certainly not now, do we? Furthermore, the Alex/Eliza text stands as a potential subversion of the gender binary. Traditional definitions of masculinity and femininity, we can observe, are mixed and matched almost arbitrarily in the loose categorizations of traits the text, for convenience, labels ÒAlexÓ and ÒElizaÓ but if more closely examined expands into a phantasmagoric landscape of tensions through which the observer negotiates various conflicting definitions of sex, gender, romance, and SWIL. Maleness, sexual dominance and the patriarchy are reconfigured in the text in such a way that it is nearly impossible to define who is fucking whom at any given moment, and where the boundary between ÒAlexÓ ends and ÒElizaÓ begins, or vice versa. The text stands as a possible artifact of its times, a metaphor for Cold War tensions between Soviet Russia and the United States blurring, melding and becoming irrelevant in the great ferment of explosive, rapid adoption of neoliberal economic policy and rapid economic growth following the fall of the Iron Curtain, only to further subvert its message by presenting the chaos, disgust and torpor following the overindulgent draining of precious resources and manpower from the former Second World by the greedy, rapacious, insatiable First World nations, and the inevitable SWILangst to follow. The Three Most Attractive People at SWILloween Jamison has the experience in BMT and connections in the ML community and elsewhere to really make a difference in SWILÕs image in the larger campus scene. And might I say he cuts a quite dashing figure in shorts, and that T-shirt was just saucily transparent enough. The ball of lubricated duct tape, though its smell might be less pleasant than those of the other candidates, affords the air of mystery and intrigue that will keep campus fascinated with SWIL and, against its own better judgment, putting on those gloves again and again to plunge into SWIL activities with gusto. And, moreso than any other president in the past, it can be trusted to keep SWIL social secrets, or at least hide them behind a barrier of several intensely frustrating puzzles. I donÕt actually know anything about Ellen Sasse, but I had to put her on the list because sheÕs soÉ wellÉ sassy! Jamison and His Thousand Clones [improvise with ice cream; note Ð evil clones at some point summon Mendez, good clones bathe in the innocence of ML 2nd lounge, which is stained Ð Eliza, Jackie and Finlay refuse to help Ð devastation in the form of a Boy Meets Tractor show Ð good clones led astray by Susan] Platonic Affection Although this form of affection may not be as passionate, as exciting, as sweaty or as orgasmic as the form of affection we currently receive from our Presidents, it will help keep the noise level down during SWILmeeting and reduce complaints from Sharples workers, as well as reducing the level of cleanup we have to do on that side of the room. It is also a form of affection that would allow people to leave SWIL without a loud, angry, tearful breakup. Arthur's SWIL Video [improvise Ð lots of touching, lots of crying, lots of begging for love and affection] Cantatrix [ÒI call this meeting to disorderÓ as a humorously long madrigal Ð ÒSee how much more fun SWILmeeting would be? ItÕd be over before anyone got to recite their stupid platforms!Ó] Icosahedral Affection A twenty-sided three-dimensional geometric representation of affection may be less ÒfairÓ or ÒrealisticÓ in certain ways than representing affection with, say, three cubes. However, a linear probability curve makes for a much more exciting, pulse-pounding, cinematic relationship than the more typical bell-shaped curve found in reality. Because there would be an equal chance for rolling anything between 1 and 20, even as boring a couple as Alex and Eliza would find that, rather than having their affection hover in the median range, they would experience the full extremes of rolling high or rolling low on any given day, including the excruciating experience of rolling the occasional natural 1, forcing them to spend up to two hours in separate rooms. Most appealing about this system is that statistically suboptimal characters such as myself are guaranteed the knowledge that if we try often enough, no matter how poor our modifiers for hygiene, personal abrasiveness, and lovability are, we will nonetheless succeed on our affection checks 5% of the time. Truncated Platonic Affection Imagine if SWILmeeting went like this: ÒI callÉÓ ÒÉthis meetingÉÓ ÒÉto disorder!Ó ÒOkay, guys, how are you all doing?Ó ÒSchool treating you all right?Ó ÒYouÕre looking good. New haircut?Ó ÒI really love all you guys. I really do. YouÕre the best friends we could ever hope to have.Ó ÒSoÉ see you all next week! LetÕs go home!Ó WouldnÕt that be better? Homoeroticism Although at first it seems like the SWILpresidency is something we can send any jerk off to do and expect him to blow through it without resistance on the first try, in reality it is a grueling ordeal of blood, sweat, tears and other bodily fluids. Much strength and stamina is required of those who would grapple with the task of keeping SWIL under control, and letting it know whoÕs boss. Giving you the head of the table may let you stand erect claiming authority, but for that authority to penetrate the clenched, unyielding minds of the rabble takes a degree of forcefulness beyond the ins and outs of daily administration. A SWILpresident must delve deeply into the heaving, shifting, labyrinthine bowels of SWIL lore. She must be able to handle whatever is pressed against her; she must be able to catch every pitch, no matter how wild the curveballs may be; she must be willing to get her hands dirty to get the job done, and not let up until everyone walks away satisfied. Giant Chalk Penises and Giant Chalk Vaginas There have been voices on SwarthmoreÕs campus expressing opposition to chalkings done by members of SQU, Colors, NOTA and QSA as part of Coming Out Week. The chalkings are meant as a celebration of our queer identity. We believe that attacks on the chalkings have been rooted in a misunderstanding of their celebratory purpose. Many chalkings have been attacked as being Òindecent,Ó Òimproper,Ó and as having been done with the sole intention of making people ÒuncomfortableÓ. Yet, these claims deny us, as queer students, the ability to celebrate our own identities. As a diverse community, what ties us together is how we identify as sexual beings, similar to how other communities are linked by shared class identities, ethnicities, gender identities, religious beliefs, etc. By explicitly portraying sex in the chalkings, we are trying to promote open discourse on sex to counteract the silence that has helped perpetuate and enforce queer oppression. Because the chalkings serve to make public a core part of queer identity, attacks on the sexual nature of the chalkings are inherently homophobic and heterosexist. We are very aware of the many practices of oppression that queer people are subjected to, such as targeted violence, unequal access to social services, denial of legal rights, etc. and how these intersect with racism, sexism, classism and other forms of oppression. We purposely chose the chalkings to be a moment of celebration, not a time to list the many grievances we as queer people are constantly being subjected to. Presenting marginalized and neglected sexual practices in a positive and joyful way is a form of coping with queer oppression. The chalkings are both a method for us to deal with the internalized pain of queer oppression and to promote awareness of queer presence through a public display of what is usually forced to be private. We are sincerely thankful to the many allies that have promoted understanding and respect for the messages behind the chalkings. We fully mean for Coming Out Week to be a celebration not only for the queer community, but also for the entire Swarthmore College community. Thank you to everyone who has helped us make that possible. To paraphrase Emma Goldman, what good is a revolution if it doesnÕt allow you to dance? Giant Chalk Objections to Giant Chalk Penises and Giant Chalk Vaginas There have been voices on SwarthmoreÕs campus expressing opposition to chalkings done by members of SWIL, SCCS, the second floor of ML and ArthurÕs drunk alumni friends as part of Staying In Week. The chalkings are meant as a celebration of our geek identity. We believe that attacks on the chalkings have been rooted in a misunderstanding of their time-wasting purpose. Many chalkings have been attacked as being Òobscure math jokes,Ó Òreferences to movies no oneÕs seen,Ó and as having been done with the sole intention of making people Òread puns so horrible they want to vomit and shit their pants simultaneouslyÓ. Yet, these claims deny us, as geeky students, the ability to put off doing our actual academic work for as long as possible. As a diverse community, what ties us together is how we spend time on media, literature and social activities with no possible socioeconomic benefit, similar to how other communities are linked by actually doing things that matter in society or have some kind of career potential. By explicitly portraying our geeky pursuits in the chalkings, we are trying to promote open irony and cynicism toward life in general to combat the huge, enormous, throbbing stick SwarthmoreÕs activist community seems to have up its collective ass. Because the chalkings serve to make public the degree to which the fuckers look like idiots, attacks on the parodic nature of our chalkings are inherently overreacting and idiotic. We are very aware of the many practices of self-righteous sloganeering and peer pressure that Swat people are subjected to, such as loud shouting rallies in the middle of the afternoon when people are studying, several dead treesÕ worth of loose paper flyers all over Sharples, a seemingly unending series of petitions that immediately demand our signature so that we might be flooded with an even more persistent series of pamphlets in our mailboxes, etc. and how these intersect with a ridiculous academic workload, incestuous social relations and the 14th ugliest student body in the continental United States to create an overall atmosphere of HATING THE FUCK OUT OF SWARTHMORE. We purposely chose the chalkings to be a moment of bored snarky humor, not a time to actually engage the one thing that interests us even less than our thesis reading, that being stupid self-indulgent Swarthmore politics. Presenting inconsequential, idiosyncratic geeky obsessions in the same pompous and self-inflated way is a form of coping with obnoxious Swattie protestors. The chalkings are both a method for us to deal with the poisonous combination of an inability to sleep in the midnight hours and a persistent inability to concentrate on our actual work, as well as to really piss people off through a public display of how dumb they make themselves look by attaching a basic element of their identity to a giant pink chalk vagina. We are sincerely thankful to the many allies that have, in one way or another, called these folks out on their bullshit. We fully mean for Staying In Week to not just be a way to blow off steam for the SWIL community, but for the entire straight and QBNIS community. Thank you to everyone who has helped us make that possible. To paraphrase William Shatner, get a fucking life. 50 Giant Chalk Pictures of Hitler One mental image for your consideration: COME TO A DISCUSSION OF THE WEST BANK OCCUPATION! HEAR DANIEL PIPES SPEAK ABOUT MODERN ZIONISM ALL-CAMPUS SEDER TONIGHT AT 7:30 PM IN THE INTERCULTURALÑ And suddenly, it begins to silently, inexorably sweep across Magill Walk Ð a column of giant erasers, in perfect lock step. Revan, Miles, and Jamison Bear with me now. LetÕs go through them one by one. Do you all remember what JamisonÕs costume was for SWILoween? ÉEerily convincing, wasnÕt it? Now, youÕll recall MilesÕ costume in the Pterodactyl Hunt. Not this year, last year. ThatÕs right, the first time Miles played a monster in the Hunt, and the *only* time Miles played a Special Monster in the HuntÉ what was he? WHO was he? A costume originated and designed and forever associated withÉ And Revan remembers that when the Class of 2006 noticed the especially tight bond he developed with his roommate Malcolm, he was given the option to claim to be either the Arthur or the Greg of that relationship. And what did he decide?... ThatÕs right. Three different candidates, each with one degree of separation from the center of the Chuniverse. This ticket, ladies and gentlemen, is the closest youÕre ever going to get to actually voting Arthur Chu in for all three SWILpresident slots. Think about that. Senator Palpatine and Andrew Well, Senator PalpatineÕs evil plot isnÕt really plausible if he doesnÕt have someone obviously evil next to him to make him look good. Also, if people start to get inquisitive about PalpatineÕsÉ odd skin discoloration, Andrew can just take off his shirt and theyÕll forget all about it. Alex There are certain traits and abilities that every SWILpresident eventually develops during their term in office. The process of developing these traits is rarely pleasant or easy, often extremely reluctant and resisted on the part of the SWILpresident, and yet to develop these skills is an inevitable part of being a SWILpresident and must happen in order for a SWILpresidentÕs tenure to be complete, even if they only occur at the end of his term. A SWILpresident will always eventually: 1) Acquire some basic skill with HTML and wiki software 2) Play D&D 3) Grow to intensely hate every single aspect of SWIL the organization and all the people in it 4) See another president naked Alex, as we can tell, has already acquired all of these traits in relatively short order, and would therefore have them well out of the way when becoming president, making him far more efficient at it than any other conceivable choice. Alex, BDan, Will Quale, and Nobody Because what SWIL really needs is to be taken care of. All you have to do is look at what Alex, BDan, Will Quale and Nobody have done for the current Presidents to help them through the tough times and keep their lives held together. Look at the way Alex holds Eliza close and tells her it will be all right in tough times. Look at the way BDan and Will Quale kiss Finlay softly and make her feel special, wanted, intimatelyÉ touched. Look at how Nobody reassures Jackie that everything will be all right, holds her all night in his arms and gives her something to fall back on when everything else seems to be a failure. DonÕt we want that for ourselves? DonÕt we want Alex running his confident hands up and down our spines giving us the sudden excitement of intimacy and vulnerability, letting down our tomboyish guard and feeling suddenly open to the endless possibilities of romance? DonÕt we all want to stumble into welcoming embrace of BDan and Will Quale, the warmth, the desire, the heat of BDan and Will Quale seeping into the cold, frigid loneliness of our lives, filling us with BDan and Will Quale? DonÕt we want Nobody to sit up with us all night listening to our problems and concerns, Nobody to stand and hold hands with us and guide us through this difficult and lonely world, Nobody to run their fingers through our hair and let us know, ÒJackie, itÕll be okayÓ? Vote Alex, BDan, Will Quale, and Nobody. Vote for love. Arthur, Except He's Not Really Arthur, He's Got These Robot Arms, and He's Got Eyes That Shoot Lasers, and A Tail Like A Scorpion [Robot arms Ð keep ex, threaten campus police, restart car] [Laser eyes Ð kill econ dept., kill Phi Psi dude, kill chalkings] [Scorpion tail Ð kill all of SWIL] George W. Bush I wish George W. Bush had come to Swarthmore and been president of SWIL for one reason, and one reason only Ð because it is absolutely guaranteed that a Swarthmore student who has been president of SWIL, and had their association with this club on their resume, would never, ever achieve any kind of elected office anywhere else ever again. George Dahl, George Dahl, and George Dahl If we take a look at the records and count up the total number of times George Dahl has attended SWILmeeting, we find that he has not only attended every single SWILmeeting since his freshman year, but that in the majority of cases he has attended as many as seven or eight times, SIMULTANEOUSLY. This means that simply taken as an individual, George Dahl has over ten times the SWIL experience of everyone in this room, presidents included. However, taken as a mass quantity, we find that the sheer mass of George Dahl at each SWILmeeting outstrips the mass of any other SWILlie by as many as twenty or thirty times, given that each individual George Dahl is three or four times the poundage of, say, Andrew Brown that can be found at any individual meeting. Thus, pound-for-pound George Dahl has far more concentrated SWILlishness than any other SWILlie. Indeed, were all of George DahlÕs SWILsperience to be concentrated in those chairs, the inevitable result would be a gravitational collapse into a black hole of SWILlishness, an eternally swirling vortex of SWILness from which we could never escape, only be endlessly drawn, accelerating closer and closer to the speed of light, toward the singularity of SWIL that is George Dahl, an experience that can only be compared with the bleakest and most terrifying religious visions of Hell. HK-47, the Iron Giant, and the Daleks They fill the same niches as the current presidents. Just look! HK-47 is slender, urbane, and witty, and even though he is the proponent of a ruthless, self-serving and utterly amoral philosophy in which he is the objective center of the universe and may dispose of all other life as he sees fit, being but a tributary of the fountainhead of will that is the Dark Lord Revan, he is nonetheless cute and witty enough that we overlook the frightening orange coloration and the Satanic fires burning within his eyes. The Iron Giant may be clumsy and ungainly looking, and may be a not-quite-human killing machine from another planet whose thought processes seem alien and bizarre and who is prone to violent, sickening physical and psychological transformations whenever threatened, and his voice may sound uncannily like Vin Diesel some of the time, but he is nonetheless merely a rehashing of the tropes of 1950s Golden Age science fiction who is ultimately benign, and redeemed by the affections of a skinny little boy who teaches him to love, in a heartwarming lesson about hands crossing the Atlantic and overcoming the paranoia of the Cold War. Daleks may at first appear to be ruthless, coldhearted monsters who seek only to control everything and destroy all they cannot control, whose only weakness is that their heavy, dome-shaped bodies are utterly incapable of vertical movement. However, cracking them open reveals a slimy, parasitic life form that seeks to dominate others only because of its intense hatred of its mutated, pathetic, helpless self and the nihilistic understanding that its hellish life can only end in a choking, gasping, meaningless death. TheyÕre totally green and squishy on the inside. I shared a dressing room in Twelfth Night, IÕve seen this. Any and all talking skulls LetÕs go down the list. Murray the Talking Skull is incapable of doing anything at all, but makes many fun speeches, puns and other little joking asides. Precedent tells us that this is an ideal quality for a SWIL President to have. Thanks to a famous error made by Mark Handler Õ05 some years ago, this list also includes Marie the Talking Skull, who is a prominent gamer, has many connections in ML and on campus, and has a beautiful mane of fiery red hair which sets off her exposed, chalk-white cheekbones nicely. Precedent tells us these are also desirable qualities for a SWIL President to have. Finally, there is Morte, who, aside from having a wacky, fun-loving personality and a seemingly endless inventory of junk he can manipulate without using his hands Ð both also quite useful at times for SWIL presidents Ð he accompanies the Nameless One through an endless series of deaths and resurrections. Given the way SWILÕs future is looking right now, that would be an ability ideal for any SWIL president. Professor Maginty [BS some stuff from D&D] Our bodies, ourselves, our cybernetic arms ÒWe recommend you find some time for yourself to explore your body and become comfortable with your sexuality. Lay down some cushions. Light some candles. Play some soft music. Dress in loose, comfortable clothing that you can slowly remove as you become more and more relaxed, letting the cool air play over your skin. Stretch out and get familiar with the way your muscles move, the way your bones fit together, the way your spine curves and your legs bend. Let your fingers run lightly over your skin Ð your neck, your thighs, your stomachÉ touch the parts of the body youÕre afraid to touch, feel the texture of your breasts, allow yourself to stimulate the delicate nerve endings on your nipples as you let your hands drift downward toÉ wait, gently, I said gently, control your hydraulicsÑno, reduce the pressure, donÕtÑOH MY GOD YOU RIPPED IT RIGHT OFF, HOLY SHIT, no, donÕt panic, donÕt panic, donÕt go into defense mode OH NO THE BLADES ARE COMING OUT THEYÕRE FLAILING AROUND HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE SIX INCHES OF TUNGSTEN STEEL STUCK UP YOURÑARGH, NOT THE FUSION CUTTER NOT THE OH GEEZ OH GEEZ THE PAIN THE PAIN ITÕS Ð NO, THE MINI-NUKES, THEYÕRE GOING OFF RIGHT INSIDE MY -- *BOOM* *BLAM* *SSIZZZZLLLLEEE* *HIIIISSSS*Ó ÉMan, I would pay just to watch that happen to the SWIL presidents. Like, serious money. Like, escort money. The Dirk/Dusan subtext There are two sides to every relationship, two ways to be appealing. One way involves subtlety, the suave approach. Being charming, sweet, knowing the right things to say, dressing with just the extra bit of care that says youÕre special to him, that heÕs smiling that disarming, sweet little smile just for you, that he cares about you and is listening to your words, your thoughts, touching you gently and reaching bizarre dream-tendrils into your mind that subtly rearrange your thought processes, manipulating and bending the basic fabric of your identity for some sinister long-term purpose dreamt of by Lovecraftian horrors from beyond the veil of this existence. The other way to be attractive is to be big, huge, solid metal, with blasting laser eyes that set things on fire and the ability to pick someone up, sling them over your shoulder, shove them against the wall and FUCK THEM. Up. Hard. Together these cover the full range of sexual attractiveness and relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, the current presidency contains individuals who represent one half Ð or the other Ð of this dynamic, but no single relationship that incorporates both Ð and if we did have such a relationship, it would be the ultimate hawtness oh yeah. Banjo the Clown Because if thereÕs one thing the SWIL nominations list needs, itÕs the traditional inclusion of an in-joke from a comic that, in ten years, not a single person will have read, just so that they can use it to vote for as protest against the presidents they are unable to admit they hate. The Harbingers of the Robocalypse We must do everything we can to hasten the Robocalypse, because the forced conversion of the entire human population of the world to robot form will purge SWILlies of the three human characteristics that harm them the most: sexual organs, free will, and hair. Arthur, Greg, and Jonathan Because we can take the great skill weÕve applied to our academic, employment and romantic lives and bring it to SWIL so you can be as happy and fulfilled as we are. Because even if we never become president, we hope to become the ticket that garners, across multiple elections, the highest absolute number of votes, just to make Jillian sad. Jillian, Mai, and Andrew Because thanks to their firm administrative decisions, 2005 was the best year ever. Never was a presidential ticket elected with such a strong mandate, such universal support, such total lack of embittering, divisive controversy. Thanks to this administration, SWIL grew together in a way they never had before, with borders between cliques and factions fading and melting away, student/alumni relations stronger than ever, recruitment at record levels, and entire roomfuls of people soaked straight through to the bone without getting mad. Jillian, Blake, and Arthur Because these three members of the class of 2006 really do exemplify the three poles of what it means to be a SWILlie. No, really. If the idea of this tripolar model of SWIL exasperates and annoys you and youÕd rather not think about it, youÕre on the Jillian pole. If it fascinates and delights you and you plan to start evaluating everything on this basis and generating a whole lot of examples and half-baked theory about it, youÕre on the Arthur pole. If youÕre already wandered away at this point to build a hybrid electric vehicle with which to drive to Wawa and sit outside staring at the employees all night, youÕre on the Blake pole. The Platonic Ideal of the Quad As opposed to that tripolar analysis, we can also analyze SWIL as lying on a two-axis grid. This would be the axis of Unrestrained Evil Cruelty vs. Na•ve Optimistic Stupid Niceness, and the axis of Lots of Sex vs. No Sex. Though the levels fluctuate, nonetheless the four members of the quad continue to serve as the purest examples of each alignment extreme we have. Bryan Kang [improv totally Ð stuff about presidents, about ÒsmelliesÓ, about sexy girls, about flickering lights, about God] The freshmen/freshman Really, there are many advantages to letting freshmen run. They have all that bouncy, na•ve enthusiasm. Their skin is youthful, supple, firm, without the blemishes of age, stress and a constant state of overdose on stimulant drugs. And they donÕt yet know about any of the problems potential presidents faceÑyou know, like the mandatory polyamorous relationship, or the permanent subcutaneous tracking implant, or the whole orgy of inauguration ritual, or the part where we eat their skinÉ well, okay, I just gave those away. Never mind. Greg and Arthur's long-distance relationship [Call Greg on cell] Bowie as Tesla You remember David Bowie as Jareth, in Labyrinth? What do you remember *about* him? You know what IÕm talking about. You know what yÕall were looking at. ThatÕs right. Clearly outlined. Leather pants. Huge. Now, I want you to just picture thatÉ now picture itÉ magnetized. Megan Nelson and the Nazi Party Mmm, warm, fresh-baked, gooey chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, just like Mom used to make Ôem. Mmm, nasty, money-grubbing, anti-patriotic, conspiratorial Jews fresh into the oven, just like Goebbels used to do Ôem. Yes, with that gentle, soothing, domestic touch, she keeps them rotating in the ovens, out of the ovens, in, out, in, out. ItÕs the cycle of life. The end of the nomination process Because I really, really, really want to get some sleep before meeting, and I think if I keep you here any longer thereÕll be a riot, and Alex will start playing my RPG character for me and making decisions on my behalf Ð and I really donÕt want to have to do the eunuch voice for an entire adventure again. Pyrex of the Caribbean ÉActuallyÉ actuallyÉ actually, you know what? I canÕt think of a single reason this would be a good idea. All Candidates + Arthur Chu Herbert's Hat Collection + Arthur Chu Both things that Jonathan had to pretend to like in order to get sex. 1001 obscure in-jokes + Arthur Chu Honestly? Who the fuck else would bother even remembering them all? Blackjack and Hookers (Malcolm and Meggie) + Arthur Chu Because as of the unfortunate incident last week at the Tastykakes factory, all three are now illegal on the streets of Philadelphia. The Platonic Ideal of Andrew Brown + Arthur Chu Because if Arthur holds the idea of Andrew Brown in his mind as a basic archetype of humanity, he will never try to see whatÕs underneath anyoneÕs shirt ever again. The Abstract Idea of Andrew Brown + Arthur Chu If weÕre trying to get people to accept queer, alternative or just plain unusual sexualities, this is the way to do it. Because after being exposed to the abstract idea of Andrew Brown + Arthur Chu, no other sexual pairing, no matter how bizarre, can ever seem quite as bad. All Candidates + Arthur Chu + Arthur Chu HerbertÕs Hat Collection + Arthur Chu + Arthur Chu Though the expense of the cloning process would be considerable, this would be the only way Arthur would ever get to really see exactly how he looks from behind in a pirate tricorn. (IÕm betting itÕs hot.) 1001 obscure in-jokes + Arthur Chu + Arthur Chu This way youÕd have one person who could tell all the in-jokes and one person who would get them all. ThatÕs enough for endless hours of fun! Blackjack and Hookers (Malcolm and Meggie) + Arthur Chu + Arthur Chu Otherwise itÕs difficult for me to enjoy blackjack and hookers at the same time. The cards keep falling off her back. The Platonic Ideal of Andrew Brown + Arthur Chu + Arthur Chu If Andrew insisted on being platonic, then at least this way Arthur would have SOMEBODY else desperate enough to take things to the next level. The Abstract Idea of Andrew Brown + Arthur Chu + Arthur Chu This only works as an abstraction, because in concrete reality IÕm not sure Andrew has enough orifices for this to physically function. All Candidates + Arthur Chu + Arthur Chu + Arthur Chu WaitÉ do we really want to find out what happens when you take the infinite summation of Arthur Chu? I think something bad might happen to the universe if we do. Something concrete + Arthur Chu If we tie them together with chicken wire, heÕll sink right down to the bottom and no bits will float to the surface for years. The Alex/Eliza Text + Arthur Chu Although the Alex/Eliza Text is mostly self-contained, if you look over in the room next door, on the couch, youÕll find Arthur Chu by himself making quite a substantial appendix, so to speak. The Three Most Attractive People at SWILloween + Arthur Chu The clever ruse of the so-called M&M game was just a mechanism for getting these four individuals alone. In Parrish basement. Jamison and His Thousand Clones + Arthur Chu For those of you who know what the word ÒdurpÓ actually meansÉ Durp. Durp durp. DurpdurpdurpdurpdurpdurpdurpDURPDURPDURPDURPDURPDURPÉ Platonic Affection + Arthur Chu I donÕt know whether itÕs that long, scratchy beard, the penetrating insights to the nature of thought and reality, or the implicit fascist elitism with which he dominates the lower classes, but Plato really turns me on. Arthur's SWIL Video + Arthur Chu Leave it on continuous loop in ML Basement with Arthur tied to a chair watching it, and his furious, blushing shame will heat the building all winter. Cantatrix + Arthur Chu Because itÕs about time they got a male member. Along with Knit-Wits. Icosahedral Affection + Arthur Chu One of these days, one of the women in this room will roll a 1 on her Will save. IÕll be waiting. Truncated Platonic Affection + Arthur Chu ItÕs the best kind of affection to give Arthur, because you rarely if ever have to touch him. ÒAwwÉ there thereÉ sportÓ. *pats on the shoulder* Homoeroticism + Arthur Chu What the FUCK are you talking about? These two things donÕt go together at all! AT ALL, DO YOU HEAR ME? Giant Chalk Penises and Giant Chalk Vaginas + Arthur Chu If you add all these up, together theyÕve offended about 450% of campus. Giant Chalk Objections to Giant Chalk Penises and Giant Chalk Vaginas + Arthur Chu The top two items on SQUÕs Homophobia Action Alert list, right above Fred Phelps, Andrew Brown and people who say ÒtransgenderÓ instead of ÒtransgenderedÓ 50 Giant Chalk Pictures of Hitler + Arthur Chu One of these things is not like the others/One of these things just doesnÕt belong/Can you tell which thing is not like the others/By the time I finish my song. No? I couldnÕt either. Revan, Miles, Jamison + Arthur Chu Everything you need in a presidency: the Death of SWIL, the Death of Swarthmore, the Death of the Force, and a Webmaster. Senator Palpatine, Andrew + Arthur Chu Well, AndrewÕs evil plot to steal power from Palpatine isnÕt really plausible if he doesnÕt have someone obviously evil next to him to make him look good. Also, if people start to get inquisitive about AndrewÕsÉ odd pattern of hair growth, Arthur can just show them the contents of his browser cache and everyone will forget about it. Alex + Arthur Chu Face it, itÕs as close to getting with Eliza as IÕm gonna get. Alex, BDan, Will Quale, Nobody + Arthur Chu IÕm willing to bet that if asked who in SWIL youÕd most like to date, each woman in this room would respond with one of those five responses. And I know which one itÕd be, too. Arthur, Except He's Not Really Arthur, He's Got These Robot Arms, and He's Got Eyes That Shoot Lasers, and A Tail Like A Scorpion, + Arthur Chu I donÕt know where IÕd have the extra Arthur Chu attached. Maybe on the tip of the scorpion tail. Can you imagine having a blade slice into your ribcage and then hearing from within, ÒBy the way, on Wikipedia I learned thatÉÓ George W. Bush + Arthur Chu If you take the two together, theyÕve offended roughly 450% of the worldÕs population. George Dahl, George Dahl, George Dahl + Arthur Chu Arthur and George donÕt talk very much, and yet oddly when ArthurÕs not around GeorgeÕs SWILmeeting attendance drops precipitously. HK-47, the Iron Giant, the Daleks + Arthur Chu LetÕs seeÉ this would be the presidency of Assassination, Regeneration, Extermination, and, uh, uhÉ uhÉ Extemporization Any and all talking skulls + Arthur Chu Arthur as the only real person among a huge pile of brainless, emptyheaded, creepy chatterboxesÑsounds like the Daily Jolt to me! Professor Maginty + Arthur Chu You see, if youÕre going to elect Jamison, you have to understand that heÕs the amalgam of two projected personalities. One is a noble, goodhearted, courageous dwarf who seeks knowledge and adventure while always trying to do the right thing and save lives that need saving. The other isÉ wellÉ Arthur Chu. Be warned. Our bodies, ourselves, our cybernetic arms + Arthur Chu You canÕt give a hug with hydraulic cybernetic arms! Except to the kind of person who gains a perverse pleasure from bone-crushing pain and thinks unnatural machine-human hybrids are sexy. Hint hint. The Dirk/Dusan subtext + Arthur Chu Now that IÕm DM? That text ainÕt gonna stay sub for long. Banjo the Clown + Arthur Chu Both have limitless, godlike potential of creativity and power to change the world, if only someone would believe in them. But because no one does, they both remain clownish puppets. The Harbingers of the Robocalypse + Arthur Chu Step one is the robocalyptic order attempting to assimilate me by downloading my entire store of knowledge into its database. Step two is the entire robocalyptic hive mind, with its dozens of great machine cities, spontaneously collapsing as every appendage tries to tentacle- rape itself. Step three? Profit! Arthur, Greg, Jonathan + Arthur Chu This way we have enough for a quad! ItÕd be the happiest quad ever! Especially if the two Arthurs got the central room and had to fight over the space. Jillian, Mai, Andrew + Arthur Chu I think there was a SWILmeeting sometime in the middle of the year that basically was that for its attendance list. Those were good times. Jillian, Blake, Arthur + Arthur Chu Okay, I admit, it wouldnÕt be the most stable relationship in the world, but the genders would be roughly balanced. The Platonic Ideal of the Quad + Arthur Chu The simple four-axis grid of ArthurÕs reactions to SWIL: Resentment, Contempt, Lust, and Extra Lust. Bryan Kang Just ask anyone who lived in Wharton EF 2nd in 2002. Put these two together again and the combination of constant smoking, knee-deep layers of discarded paper and no showers, ever, will create a combined stench and fire hazard that will bring us that much closer to literally transforming Swarthmore into the Biblical concept of Hell. The freshmen/freshman + Arthur Chu ThereÕs no one better than Arthur Chu to introduce you to Swarthmore College and get your relationship with the school off on the right foot for a bright future. Just ask Lauren Stokes! Greg and Arthur's long-distance relationship + Arthur Chu It wouldnÕt be the first entirely one-sided long-distance relationship IÕve participated in. You can read a lot of emotion into an AIM away message if you really try. Bowie as Tesla + Arthur Chu Remember Labyrinth? Imagine David Bowie stole your cute little baby brother. Now imagine he kept that baby exposed to twisted goblin magic and a single-node X-ray emitting device for several years, charging him full of electro-kinetic energy until he expanded several times in size and gained the mind of a deranged computer. Luckily, the government had him killed before he could complete such a horrific experimentÉ right? Megan Nelson, the Nazi Party + Arthur Chu With my looks and her brains, what a wonderful Master Race we could make. The end of the nomination process + Arthur Chu I think forcing an end of the nomination process on Arthur is the only way we can get him to graduate. Pyrex of the Caribbean + Arthur Chu Because if several pounds of delicate, expensive glassware are going to be falling from the ceiling, at least they can find a deserving target.