***************************** SWILNEWS #0 SUMMARY ***************************** - "Taco Bar is Wrap Bar in disguise!" - People with cell phones are very silly. - SUBMIT TO BEM - Mendez applied for the SWILtitle "World's Worst Ninja" Passed with token opposition. - Lottery winner was #15. Marissa won a microwave. No, really, she did. It was awesome. - No rape whistles were blown during SWILmeeting. (This is true.) - Jamison likes trees. - REUNION is happenin'(g -p). October 6-9. Email reunion-request (at) swil.org with the word SUBSCRIBE in subject or body to help plan. ***************************** SWILNews #0 of THERE IS NO SWILNEWS #0 ***************************** Attendance list of Sam is not a force field George "First and the Last" Dahl [crossed out] Venger "I am RA!" Jamison, Slayer of Tiamat, Lord of Moria, [something written in Greek] (dammit -p) Michael "Unter den Rahway" Noda Miles Skorpen Margaret "Forgot so much" Cosgriff James "Orbtastic" Mendez Hodes Andrew "Not a Bomb" Conforti Brown Sahmoo-eel Yehnkeens Jackie "My block is eviller than yours" Werner Kitten "Why is there a stick of dynamite on my back?" Magee BDan "Blood makes the grass grow, blood makes the whole world wet." Fairchild Miles Skorpen Mk II New & Improved! David "Explosives Specialist Lvl 5" Stifler Emmanuelle "Meep" Wambach Marissa Rogue Urooj Khan (khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! -p) Katie Love-Cooksey David "Your benevolent master" Pupkin Amber "No fucking handle dammit" Viescas Herbert "my real names comes from a TV character" Tanzer Will "my first meeting in...um, check the SWILnews archive, but I think 5 years because I was LAME (but no longer)" (where'd your last name go? -p) Eric "Belgium" Astor Susan "Oh my God! The seniors are gone! wait...I'M A SENIOR NOW!!!" Zell (::cries:: -p) Lisa "Couch-owner" Spitalewitz [picture of couch] <- it is like that! but better Andrew "Dual Cell-Saber Wielder" Conforti Brown Dahl "The Last and First" Dahl Georgemison (or so you think! -p) Eliza "Not Walt Whitman" Blair finlay "elbow room" logan ***************************** SWILNEWS #1 SUMMARY ***************************** SWILBUSINESS - SWIL likes having fun, and votes. - Pterodactyl Hunt committee meeting after SWILMeeting next week - Monster signups next week - SUBMIT TO BEM - SWILMovie is The Truman Show, 10 PM, SCCS Video Pit - SWILMovie needs proppers! Thanks for for signing up! - Benitez volunteered for position of Mini-Prop and was knighted with a lightsaber and a fish. - Saturday Night SWIL (SNS) was Monty Python's "Life of Brian" + swordmaking. Thanks to everyone who helped! - DoubleSWIL will probably happen the first weekend of November. More later - talk to the presidents if you want to help. - A Renaissance Faire trip has been planned for next Sunday (9/17). If you want to go and haven't signed up yet, talk to Jeff Kaufman or the presidents. - Interest has been expressed in some sort of Large Propped Gaming Event sometime soon. More later. - SWIL is jointly hosting the Free Culture Webcomics Symposium 9/22-23. If you want to help prop, etc. then email eastor1 or mskorpe1. - Lucky 13 won the lottery, and a fuzzy orange hat. - Andrew is now Matres of Arms (leave off the last S for SAVINGS) and has founded his own democracy. - Alex is now Purgemaster General. - Andrew (Martin -p) van Buren the frosh was voted Sturgeon General in absentia. NONSWILBUSINESS - Capoeira Upper Tarble Saturdays and Sundays, exact time TBA - Fencing happened at 3 PM on Saturday. Talk to stanzer1 if you would like to join. - Cantrix auditions happened. - Eliza wants to bring SF writers to Swarthmore. Watch [FUN]. ***************************** SWILNews #1 OF YOUR DOOM MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (hey! i just realized that we have three non-vegetarian swilpresidents! I'm surrounded by meat! -r yes! -p when shall we three 'meat' again? heh heh heh... -r *smack* -p) muAHHAHAHAHAHAHAahhheeheeheehahahaaaAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!!!!! Ahem. Where were we? Ah, yes. You, the naively heroic (or heroically naive -p) froshlings, have finally fallen into our clutches! No more will you look upon the bright light of day, eat of the fruit of the fields, or foil our intensely brilliant evil plots of evil again and again and AGAIN! No, no, don't try to escape! The locks are unpickable! The spells are unbreakable! The knots are un-untieable! The doors are-- The doors are OPEN! Minions, SHUT THE DOORS! Now that you are still finally in our clutches (space clutches! -r), we shall reveal, in great fiendish detail, our delicously twisted eeeeevil plan! MUhahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As you have already learned, (muahaha), we are Ninja, Pirate, and Robot of the EEEEEVIL COVENANT OF THE EEEEEEVIL OVERLORDS FOR THE PURSUANCE OF EEEEEVIL ACTS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD (TM), hereafter referred to as SWIL. Normally we would be mortal enemies, but your disgustingly good-hearted outlook and selfless dedication to the cause of right have driven us to join forces to CRUSH YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! The first thing that you must know is that SWIL LIKES HAVING FUN. The second thing you must know is that SWIL LIKES HAVING VOTES. We shall now take a vote on whether we should visit unimaginable tortures upon your minds. Ah, I see your hands are already raised! Are the shackles quite comfortable? No? Good! Let us check the EEEEEVIL Calendar of Events. First we shall press you into service in our army of monsters, protecting the vicious vile pterodactyls which we shall unleash upon Swarthmore College on October sixth. Ah, I can almost hear the screams of agony already...Hey, Corporal Muskrat! Stop tickling the froshlings when I'm to harangue them! (wow, this room is so nice when there's no one in it! -r *brief slapfight between pirate and robot* -n) The Hunt Committee Committee shall be dropping after my monologue with a 694-slide Powerpoint presentation for your brainwashing pleasure. Once your minds have been broken, you shall be in prime position for SUBMITTING TO BEM! (that sounds a little creepy -n 'submit to bem' never sounds not creepy -p) BEM, our hideous, slavering Bug-Eyed Monster that FEEDS on science fiction and fantasy, will probe the creative centers of your brain for works of fictional and/or artistic GENIUS! And then we will PUBLISH THEM and RULE THE WORLD! You are not frightened by this monstrosity, heroes? Then perhaps you would like to JOIN US and become its handlers! (...its handlers? -r where does mark figure into this? -n meh -p) Minions! Release the volunteers! Ah, I see some of you looking hopeful. Perhaps you would like to further our evil plans in other ways? We have an opening for a Minister of Propaganda, since the last one had that...unfortunate accident. (muahaha.) The Minister of Propaganda will spread the good news of our EVIL OVERLORDSHIP OF EVIL throughout all the dorms of Swarthmore, ensuring a compliant populace when our EVIL plans are finally set in motion. I see a hand raised in the back there. Minions, release that one. Thank you, Mister...Benitez, was it? Yes, you will be duly rewarded for your service. (muahaha.) In fact, we will give you your very own staff of subminions to help you perform your work. Dorm proppers are vital cogs in our evil machine. The rest of you - I see that you require more brainwashing! TO THE PIT WITH YOU!!! The Video Pit, that is. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! There you will come to appreciate our benevolence when you learn of a force even more EEEEVIL than us - so EEEEVIL, in fact, that...well, we don't want to talk about it. Anyway, MWAHAHAHAIN The Pit, the terrible Pit, at precisely ten PM, you will watch THE TRUMAN SHOW. THERE WILL NOT BE CHAIRS. (we're devolving -r that's what every evil mad genius does -n) No, no, don't try to escape, we're not done yet! Just because the movie's over doesn't mean we're all going to turn into pumpkins at the stroke of midnight! (But I do like the sound of that.) (mmm, pie -n) But we are a little cranky and require a nap, so we shall turn you over to our EEEEEVIL minion Jeff. He's from Boston! He will be driving you to Lancaster, where the true scope of our EEEEEVIL machinations will be revealed! For there you will be transported THROUGH TIME AND SPACE (space space -r) to Olden Times in the mass hallucination called THE RENAISSANCE FAIRE! YOU WILL QUESTION YOUR VERY SANITY! You will feel compelled to buy EXPENSIVE ORNAMENTAL WEAPONS! (wanna buy a lang? -p no -r :( - p) After that we shall have GUEST LECTURERS in EVIL FOR FUN AND PROFIT! These are great artists of EVIL! So EVIL that they have quit their day jobs of do-gooding and dedicated themselves full-time to EVIL in easily-accessible ONLINE COMIC FORMAT! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Those among you who can wield a pen will be drafted (yuk yuk -r) to help publicize this event! Soon all the denizens of Swarthmore will join our EVIL ranks! Speaking of joining our EVIL ranks, come November we will enter into an EVIL alliance with our sister organization THE SQUAMOUS SHE-DEVILS OF THE DEEP, hereafter referred to as Doublestar. Great evil shall be perpetrated! And we shall never stab each other in the back to further our own evil agendas. And now, as a morale-building event, we shall hold a LOTTERY! The winner shall be stoned to death! And the winner is....Greg! But Greg exists only in spirit after that...unfortunate incident with the Incorporealizer, so we will just give him a fuzzy orange hat. Now, to other business. Evil minions Noda and Jim are holding Battlestar Galactica showings in our orbital space castle Greylock, but any minion who slacks off too much will be DECAPITATED! So view at your own risk. EEEEEVIL minion Jeff is taking people to a Contra next Saturday night. Contras are inherently evil because they were invented in America! Hooray! (Wait, that wasn't very evil.) *cough cough* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA EAT PUPPIES!!!! Much better. Evil minion Arthur's housewarming, some sort of D&D campaign...Oh yes. Evil vizier Andrew has earned the title of Matres of Arms (leave off the last S for savings!) through trial by combat. Deliciously evil. Don't worry, we'll just pop Jeff in the Revive-o-tron. Evil minion Alex, through his exemplary performance (hee hee, performance -n) in overturning the previous overlords (overturning something -p shut up -n), has earned the highly prestigious title of Purgemaster General. Evil vizier Andrew has also declared his intent to found his own "democracy", which will be summarily invaded and subdued just as soon as we've had our nap. (where do the sturgeons with laser beams on their heads come in? -p soon -n) Evil Minion Mendez wants people to come to Capoeira in Upper Tarble every Saturday and Sunday - wait, isn't this a martial art invented to RESIST evil overlords? Have him executed. No, wait, make him dance for our amusement, then execute him. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Behold our power! (finlay! there's a fish on your head! -p no! -r must be my imagination, then -p for real -r) (*strums fish* -r finlay! i didn't know you played the bass! -p *throws fish* -r) And finally, our magnum opus, our greatest scheme in the history of all the schemes ever to be schemed in the history of every time ever, greater than the Death Star, greater than lasers shooting from Gene Simmons' eyeballs, greater than something really, really great, greater than American Idol - we give you the final step in our EVIL plan: (i forgot what it is, oh wait -n) Science fiction writers! Coming and giving readings right here in our evil headquarters! And sturgeons with laser beams on their heads! IT IS SO EVIL YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND THE SCOPE OF ITS EVIL. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1!1on Wait, where'd you all go? It appears that during my peerless monologue you have slipped your bonds and stolen away to foil the plans that we have so foolishly revealed to you! Curses! Why do we keep doing this? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So, like, you guys want to go get some coffee? Yes, it's EVIL coffee. THE END....? *************************** (stars! -n festive, yet jarring! -p) Attendance list of I dunno, be creative Anna "I will not be afraid of women" Melton Katie "If you are too busy to laugh, then you are too busy" Anonymous Scott "I can't actually think of a good quote right now" Shearouse Emmanuelle "I will be crushed by the weight of my reading :(" Wambach Marie "Made of cobalt...AND ELECTRICITY!" Cosgrove-Davies (but is it ATOMIC? -p) Susan "is talking right now, don't bother me!" Zell Eric "I need to shave--damn these women!" Astor Herbert "I bought the cake, it will poison you all" Tanzer (oh well, it was tasty -p) Amber "Still no fucking nickname" Viescas Arthur "tubgirl" Chu (BURN -n) Greg "Cingular Wireless" Robinson Revan "Danger" Williams Malcolm """" Augat Margaret "already buried" Cosriff Marissa "unknown" Rogue Skorpen. Miles Skorpen. Alex "Masculinity" George Jeff "[JK, Calvin Klein logo style]" Kaufman George "[GD, the same]" Dahl Miriam "ABROAD!" Newman David Alejandro "Eager Beaver" Benitez Andrew "Step 1. Create abomination unto nature. Step 2. Step 3. Profit!" Conforti Brown James "Let's just blow up the building & go home" Mendez Hodes Elizabeth "zeptoweasel" Wesson BDan "aged" Fairchild Michael "Falling Down on New Jersey" Noda George "Invisibly here, I swear!" Hang Alex "Drop bears...all around me! Ruuun!" Pshenichkin (see Figure 1) [Figure 1] Fig. 1. Ugly drop bear picture George "George Hang and I are here. Wow!" Dahl The One "And Only" Vener, Venger "Scion of King Olaf" Jamison (1 of 1001) (collect them all? -p) David "Mustard Polish" Chudzicki Andrew "I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish" Van Buren Jackie "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast" Werner finlay "smeg this" logan Eliza "SMEEEEEEE!!!" Blair Brought to you by Ninja, Pirate and Robot The Presidency of (Im)Mortal Enemies (muahaha.)