Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 11:00:34 -0500 To: _swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu From: ltsina1 @ cc.swarthmore.edu (Lesley Tsina) Subject: Sshhh. Behold the majesty of these pointy stone things and SWILnews #10 Alright, last week we brought you a notice that included at least two full "K" of actual information. What this means is that this week we have about three "K" left. Those math majors out there can recognize that since the average SWILnews is a whopping 10 K or so this thing you are reading is probably going to include some seven K of mindless gibbering. [shots of gibbons.. oh.. wait. We've done that before. Shots of spider monkeys frolicking.] The first bit of news is that we just had a holiday. For those of you who are out of the information loop, this last weekend was Thanksgiving. On this occasion some vast while ago several people of differing ethnic origins got together and celebrated their joyful equality with a nice meal. Although one of these groups has since been all but eradicated and the cultural heritage that brought the other group across a dangerous ocean in search of a better life has been co-opted by 7-eleven and MTV, everyone still likes a nice turkey dinner so we keep the wonderful tradition alive in a twisted and thoroughly bourgoise form. [Down with the establishment, man! -L] [Like, totally. -TG] Hopefully you all enjoyed this momentary lapse from the drudgery that we call life at Swarthmore College. Now, however, we must put all thoughts of cranberry sauce behind us and look towards finals week. Woop! Some of us went to PHILCON. It was neat. We want to go again and again. For future reference fifteen people in one room makes for a good story but not a lot of sleep/comfort. Actually, are some memorable ancecdotes atttatched to the trip--yes, Larry Niven was there as were Greg Frost and a whole lot of really mediocre writers of science fiction erotica who threw a rather disappointing party while trying to sell us expensive pamphlets with lusty werewolves and senuous felines on the covers. Larry, Joel, Sarah and Melissa filked till all hours of the night while jere7my thorpe was not only congratulated for winning at Roborally by Richard Garfield himself, but picked up an honorable mention for his mimbari costume in the masquerade. Richard Garfield is apparently a kind of a cross between your high school math teacher and Joel on MST3K. Serves you right, oh collector of all our supurfluous fundage. By the way, the game _Roborally_ is great fun, bug jere7my to let you play. Eoj Robins also scored one for the home team by being awarded the "Judge's Brush-off Award" for his appearence in the humor category as A Brush With Death. If you didn't see it at SWILoween, you can probably guess what he looked like. Add Ben's refusal to sleep and Fred's decision to join the undead for three days and you've got a pretty memorable weekend. Thanks to all of you who drove and thanks especially to Andrea's car, a machine whose workings are ineffable. Scanning over the L's meticulous notes for the last SWIL meeting (which was held at swat during the con and which you may have noticed TG did NOT attend) I have determined that absolutely nothing happened except for dismemberments. Therefore, I will amuse myself by coloring in all of the o's in L's copy of _Rememberance of Things Past_ while my dear co-president deciphers her meaningless scrawl below. Oh, what a rouge and peasant slave am I! Dismemberment #1: Eric Rosolowsky, known to intimates as "Les" proved sentience most deviously by not only skipping out of the meeting and having various lowlifes forge his signature on the attendance list, but by blackmailing Larry to drive him from the meeting to Philcon, where he impersonated the most illustrious and admired of the two co-presidents [not including TG. -TG],( also the one with the least amount of facial hair). The combination of a serious identity crisis and criminal tendencies was enough proof for just about everyone, and many of us were pleased to see someone other than Geoff Noer get in touch with his feminine side. [see sundress episode -L] Dismemberment #2: Megan Hallam, once proud owner of the finest collection of Swedish fish this side of Peoria before the tragic incident involving the rampaging locusts, and now known of as the most likely to be participating in exchanges such as the following: Megan: Hermaphroditic masturbation. Julianna: Aaah! was proven sentient on a number of counts, which made an awful lot of sense at the time. However, since the written record of the goings on seems to have become particularly indecipherable at this point, we will merely reproduce said artifact and let y'all make of it what you will betting pool physical evidence inhaling eric. fun to inhale [I didn't inhale -BC] legal expertise in the field of lboestare [closest possible translation -L] tool use. not stabbing. communications quote movie (speech) use of tools NVC [non-verbal communication -L] generalized dentition not a roach [but an amazing facsimile. -TG] Megan is dismembered with a spoon. My, that was illuminating. Anyway, Megan was, in fact, dismembered with a spoon for fufilling most qualities of sentience applied to our anthropological ancestors and quite a few more whose application eludes us. Well done! Dismemberment #3 Sarah Piatt's ordeal is much easier to explain to the layman as it is, in fact, readable using infared scanning and the most up to the minute mouse bicuspid dating methods. [which, by the way might be useful to you, Fred Bush if you're still looking for a date for SWILcon. Sorry. : ) -L] "Go on, impress me" smirks TG looking at these notes. "If you can figure out what the heck she did I'll be mighty impressed." L starts thinking real hard and trying to figure out the bit about the aphid. TG begins to drum his fingers on his arm and yawn.. too bad he already finished the comic book or he'd be dead to the world by now but nooo... So anyway, L was just about to tell us all about Sarah's interesting proof of sentience... Before the idea came to her mind to write a really self referential bit of the SWILnews in which L and TG describe what the other is doing in order to stalemate one of them into actually translating the notes. TG messes with his hair and sighs in irritation. However, L cannot rest comfortably, for she suddenly realizes that TG might eventually point out the fact that whereas he spent the weekend blissfully unaware at Philcon, SHE had both been present at the dismemberment AND written the notes in question. OK, so this isn't really getting us anywhere, so all we have to say is that Sarah WAS dismembered, that she ISN'T an aphid, she MIGHT have telekinetic ability, that she DOES put up with Joel, and that Andrea IS under the table, all of which must make some sense to somebody. Thank you and good night. Oh wait, one co-president has just remembered that two important pieces of SWIL-business were left out this week. First of all, Morgan Baker is coming up for dismemberment on Saturday. Beware, TG will be taking notes this time. Finally, L's memory has unearthed the clinching reason why Megan was dismembered: she has announced her intentions _not_ to run for the SWIL co-presidency. A damn shame but partial proof of sentience -or at least work ethic. Which reminds us that nominations for the co-presidency and any other open offices (none spring to mind, but who knows what we may invent in a fit of electoral fervor) will take place TOMORROW, at the meeting. The presentation of platforms and voting will take place the week after. Everyone show up tomorrow for the only meeting of the year in which Parliamentary procedure is even remotely followed. [Oooh, it gives me shivers. -L] Non-SWILbusiness: a. cataloging things by letter is cool. b. lots of stuff happened a long time ago, but doesn't really matter any more. c. we were wondering about doing something during reading weekend or over the last couple of weeks of the semester. d. jere7my has been trying to get together some form of Magic tournement involving buying more cards and then having a draft and then bickering over the cards incessantly. talk to him for details. e. neil gaiman, yes, the guy that did the Sandman comic books and co-authored _Good Omens_ with terry pratchett, will be at Legends, some comic book store in Philly,on Monday. anybody want to plan a trip? more info is probably needed. f. eat your vegetables, drink your milk, and don't go to Dennys near a Con. Attendance (11/19/94) Charles "woofedy Mangelsdorf" Danforth, Erik "closet transvestite traded for a better position" Rosolowsky [You like to dress up as a closet? Odd. -L], Robert "Kidnapped by Larry Niven" Richardson, Sarah "It didn't fit into my sleep schedule!" Piatt, Andrea "strata-less coconut cake" Hall, Dan "This list is pausing for a moment of silence" [ -L&TG] Colin "It's Benoit Mandelbrot's birthday tomorrow!" Schatz [I wonder how well that would sell as a greeting card. -L], Morgan "Help me- I'm shrinking" Elizabeth "no time to say hello goodbye" Weber, Dan "only my 3rd meeting this year" Wells Megan "I said mingle, not SEX!!" Hallam, Julianna "Therin, therwith and therefore these auspicious sufferances suffered at this auspicious Meeting with Care & Safety fer Dismemberment and Lenience" Patrick, Aaron "Ausprciously therewith and forewhat bewondered seminence and missed ember ants gurgle blurgh hrgr ann...." Hertzmann, Sam "Home. Oh. Ick." Weiler -Literature & The Grotesque