From jmrobins @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Fri May 7 14:50:13 1999 Date: Wed, 11 Sep 1996 16:58:23 -0400 (EDT) From: Snibor Eoj To: _swat.org.swil @ swarthmore.edu Subject: SWILlent Green or SWILnews #1 The scene: not too far into the future. Rampant overcrowding, fed by Swarthmore's reputation as #1, has shot attendance to 12,000. The once mighty ski lodge Sharples is humbled by the invading multitudes. There is not enough food for the ravening crowds. They run wild, tearing at the food, removing every clot of organic matter, devouring even the napkins and the aesthetically pleasing curtains in their greed. All that remains are the occasional fork and Tempura Bar. Stemming the human tide of chaos and anarchy, we find the lone marshal Charleton Liberteston. He alone stands against the wave of human lemmings, blindly seeking food, drink, and an easy PDC; even the stalwart conveyor belt Nazi ceases his incessant "Tumblers on the left, silverware on the right!" and falls before the onslaught, as he is shredded by angry hordes, jubilantly throwing their tumblers everywhere. Chaos rules everywhere! (Except in the SWIL meeting where Chaos is rather well-behaved. -E) (Sort of. -L) The only chance for a beleaguered humanity is a wondrous new food product: SWILlent green, promised to be available in unheard-of quantities, edible hot, cold, or just tepid. Liberteston knows that if he can only keep civilization running until the next shipment of SWILlent green, order will return to the campus, life will be worth living again, and Tarble credit will be increased. Deep in the bowels of Sharples, bold Charleton Liberteston forms a plan to deal, for the moment, with the problems of overcrowding. He names the plan... SWILbusiness: (how original -F) "Clearly," said Liberteston, "if several people were to be slaughtered at the whims of omnipotent fascist generals, there would be more stuff for everyone else. To this end, I hereby declare a game of Live Chess." Innocent fresh-faced youngsters, who had only wished to be placed on a few mailing lists but had been beguiled by the snappily-dressed SWIL recruiters (who are now doubling as lobsters at Long John Silvers. -F), were duly thrown into the trenches and massacred with great relish by Generalissimos Will and Andrea. As is the customs in these games, the winner took the loser to bed. But, despite this brave attempt, the hordes kept coming! Attempting to create a few extra rooms for housing, Liberteston next had the idea of stuffing a few frosh into the George locker, Locker #42, the combination of which is still 3-21-15. If you wish to enter George, contact Liberteston who now has the much-clamored-for key. (Bwahaha! -L) Ignore all muffled cries for help emanating from the locker. Next, Liberteston subjected the people to a propaganda film suggesting how nice a plague would be in a couple of years. Some 40 to 50 victims partook of the film 12 Monkeys, a sure sign that SWIL's MiniProp, was on the ball. The venture was so successful, Liberteston decided to repeat it and chose the film for next week to be The Dark Crystal, another film which paints the Apocalypse in a rosy light. (Apocalypse. All is rosy. -L) Liberteston's final solution involved moving the people the heck out of here. Accordingly, he set up plans to send them to an ungodly wasteland, known only as Virginia. Minister of Cons Will Quale announced that he would be carting truck-loads of deport--er volunteers to Kaleidoscope this weekend. Contact him for further details at will @ sccs or 543-3691. Quale also expressed plans to bring Morden to the Swarthmore area, predicting that where he went death would follow. More information on SWILCon, to be held in March, will come later. Also on Liberteston's evacuation plans were the larger relocations to PhilCon and Renfaire. PhilCon, which will be occurring November 22-24, promises Frederick Pohl and Joan Vinge, amongst others. The price for the opportunity to flee this madhouse is $35 before October 15th. A trip to Renfaire has been planned for Sunday October 6th, and is estimated to cost about $15. More later. In a desperate search for food, Liberteston convinced the EPA to allow hunting of the rare free-range Pterodactyl. This hunt will be organized by Joel McNary and Melissa Binde and will be held in either late October or early November. Expect a great massacre of these poor defenseless beasts, and the occasional hunter. (Well... not so occasional. -F) And yet, throughout all this planning, Liberteston could not shake the fear that the spirits of all the murdered students would come back to haunt him when the time was right. (Or rather, the hope that they would... Bwahaha! -L) That time will be November 2nd when SWILoween occurs in Bond. Kendra, Mistress of Doom and Destruction, shall prove that Liberteston's fears were not without foundation. Expect much terror and Mennonite mayhem. Liberteston then unveiled the second part of his unholy plan: Non-SWILbusiness: ... ... ... Unfortunately, Liberteston did not realize that the non-SWILbusiness consisted of things that had already happened or had not been organized yet, and therefore, his plans were for naught. Finally, the promised shipment of SWILlent Green came in. Eager mobs of people cheered and scooped up great gobs of it to be devoured. Then, the awful secret came out: SWILLENT GREEN IS MADE OF BROCCOLI!!! EEEEWWWWW!!!!!!! And no one ate it, and the world went to Hell in a handbasket. SWILlent green ingredients (9/7): Will "Is the sun supposed to do that?" "No, but the dragon of the North Sea is." Quale Andrea "The cranberry juice is watered" Hall Megan "I haven't even said anything _interesting_ lately!" Hallam Will "I have _many_ relatives" Eric Nebbia Joel "Black Bishop! Black Bishop!" McNary Will "No, not him, er, help, now I"m confused... no, really confused" Chaos, god of the night Katrina "Isi Dimitri (???!?!?! -E)" Anna John "no nickname" Finkbiner Dan "insert nickname here" Kraut (you guys are boring! -F) (Give 'em time. They'll learn. Or else... Bwahaha! -L) Alice "Walking in the Rain" Unger i Kendra "If it has Mennonites it *must* be good" Eshleman jere7my "Do the walk, do the walk of... AAIGHH!" tho?rpe Greg "A fascist movement for the 90's" Ingber Sarah "Meow" Piatt Joel "Quack" McNary Nik, Fodunk of the Glass Sveege --- Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite