From jmrobins @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 19:12:16 1999 Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 18:53:09 -0400 (EDT) From: Snibor Eoj To: _swat.org.swil <_swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu> Subject: (Humorous subject line), or SWILnews #_ Have you ever felt the urge to read a SWILnews, but your trusty (lazy) co-presidents haven't written one in weeks? Have you ever yearned for the sophisticated humor of 12K of random nonsense thought up by the three loons you elected? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I can't even recall what a SWILnews is like any more!"? No? Neither have we. But just in case you ever do think such thoughts, we now present the Generic SWILnews, or SWILnews #_ (fill in the blank). This SWILnews is divided into several sections, depending on the kind of silliness you seek. Just mix and match the sections, and fill in the appropriate details, bake for 30 minutes at 6 degrees (of Kevin Bacon) (No, no! Separation! -A) (Separate Bacon? -R) (Mechanically separated chicken is the primary ingredient in SPAM. -A) (Ulch! -R) (Things we didn't need to know... -I) Section I: Witty introductions. (Note: Choose only one of the following. Multiple introductions may lead to confusion, heart disease, and more bad TV shows like "Men Behaving Badly" and "Melrose Place, 19081.") 1) It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out! (Bang!) AAAIIIGGGHHH!!!!! I've been shot! I'm bleeding all over the keyboard! What a mess! And it&s makint the ke(s go fun&y! 2) Have you ever felt the urge to read a SWILnews, but your trusty (lazy) co-presidents haven't written one in weeks? Have you ever yearned for the sophisticated humor of 12K of random nonsense thought up by the three loons you elected? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I can't even recall what a SWILnews is like any more!"? 3) In January, the frogs came to Saskatchewan. Nobody knew why they had come, but they were there. That much was undeniable. In March, the frogs bought a lumber yard. Nobody questioned what the frogs wanted with the wood. That was their mistake. In May, the last human citizen of Saskatchewan died under mysterious circumstances. Coincidence? We think not. 4) Teleological hebejeebeeianism has been known to the humanistic cross periodical thudgereon as bad. In this article, we the authors seek to present a different thesis. Many eschetelogical meanings have been attributed to the Javan figures found propagating in the 3-manifold that we located in 2 space. Ontologically, this is dumb and we cite the plain ignorace and camel-like stupidity of Crone and Cook in their article which stands against our thesis. The moronic ravings are wrong for the following reasons: 1) Lemmings are not gibbons. 2) Kant had only 2 Ears and 1 nose, not the other way around. 3) Stokes' Theorem doesn't hold on a punctured space and 4) Fermat was actually just a well-trained Do-do. Duh. 5) When in the course of human events, yada yada yada. Section II: Bad Jokes (Note: Use as many of these as you desire, but be careful! The surgeon general has determined that too many of these may be hazardous to your health if you are old, young, infirm, or a pregnant nun on rollerskates.) Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors? A: 'Cuz if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans! Q: What's red and can't climb trees? A: A brick! Q: Why did the frog cross the road? A: He was stapled to the chicken! Q: How many Swatties does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, and anywhere else it would've been a 60-watt bulb. Q: How many roads must a man walk down, before they call him a man? A: 7. (But they have to be long roads. -A) (Size doesn't matter! -I) And now, to save space, just the punchlines of some longer jokes: So the duck says to the nun, what do you think we have webbed feet for, anyway? The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. That dog isn't shaggy at all. 12. So the bowling ball says, "I'm not a zucchini!" No, I'm a frayed knot. The other penguin stares at him and says, "What do I look like, a typewriter?" Mmm. Test for bees. Section III: Witty Comments (Note: intersperse these with the rest of the SWILnews, and they will add mirth to any section!) (Ow! Leggo my nose! -R) (The cat's on fire! -A) (And you say I have a sick mind? -I) (Quack. -R) (If only we had one of those! -A) (Tomorrow, the world! -A) (Tomorrow, the Pasta Bar! -R) (Tomorrow, I'm sleeping in. -I) (Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love ya, tomorrow, it's only a day away. -Little Orphan Annie) (We resent that implication! -ARI) (So that's why they call it a Pentagon! -A) (So _that's_ what they're calling it these days! -I) (Gratuitous exclamation points!!!!! -R) (Fnord. -I) (Fjord. -R) (Bored. -A) (R- .sdrawkcab si egassem sihT) (Well in MY day we had to walk uphill BOTH WAYS to get to ML.... -I) (Oh yeah? I must once gotten a nose that was _this_ big! -R) (Submit to BEM! -Someone in charge of BEM) (You all are weird! -Random passerby) For more witticisms, log on to condor (shame on you if you don't have a condor account) and type "fortune". Several times, if need be. But not more than 68 times in a single sitting. For extra fun, type "fortune | ~jmrobins/bin/chef" (For EVEN more fantabulous fun, type "fortune ~mdb/random/sigs/sig-fortunes" -I) Section IV: SWILbusiness (Note: This is actual SWILbusiness. On any given week, substitute in the appropriate news from your memories of meeting.) The Pterodactyl Hunt will be on Friday Nov. 7, and the Wizards will be Melissa, Catherine, and Joel. We think. (Nope, it's definite now -I) Pumpkin Caroling will take place, as always, on Halloween. Carols will be written and rewritten before then. SWILoween will be Saturday Nov. 1 in Sharples III. Lindsay is organizing. (Flee in terror! -I) Lindsay Herron has been appointed the Official Infiltrator of Important Committees. Huzzah! Babylon 5 is being shown in JimMosk's apartment. Watch your e-mail for an announcement with details. There were three dismemberments on this glorious day. The details (the short version): 1) Jimmy Kong - Recited and demonstrated understanding of the first 18 lines of the Canterbury Tales, in Middle English. Since Geoffrey Chaucer was deemed sentient, Jimmy's sentience followed. 2) Kyla Tornheim - Sentience is the ability to sense. She demonstrated her sense of smell by discerning Sharples food from real food by smelling. And she recognizes the importance of her personal space. 3) Catherine Osborne - She has a symbiotic relationship with her computer; she gives it power, and it gives her Solitaire and e-mail. The first thing someone says on meeting a new being is it's name, to introduce it to the other. The first thing her 'puter said was, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" Thus, her computer is Abort, Retry, Ignore. By the symobiotic relationship, she is Abort, Retry, Ignore. By the fact that Abort, Retry, and Ignore are all sentient, she is sentient. In fact, she is the secret fourth co-president. Maybe. (Do we have a secret fourth co-president? -R) (Is that a secret fourth co-president in your pocket or....oh, never mind -I) Section IVb: Other possible SWILbusiness (Note: This may also be real SWILbusiness. Can you tell the difference? We can't.) Adopt-a-Pudding night is coming to Sharples! After much debate, it was decided that Lime Jell-o is a form of pudding-like substance, and has been claimed by SWIL as our official adoptee. You may feel free to adopt other forms of pudding as well. Remember, he who dies with the most gelatin wins! (Or was that toys? -R) (Vote for Mello Jello! -I) Submit to BEM! Andrea has volunteered to organize every SWIL event from now until eternity. So, to make sure that she doesn't get bored, we've decided to come up with some new events. Any suggestions should be sent to us at president @ whitehouse.gov. Submit to BEM! There will be gaming in ML some time soon. We're fairly sure of that, because there's _always_ gaming in ML. Come play, unless you don't. There will be a sixty-two foot tall lizard visiting campus on September 31st. It needs a host. (For its eggs? -R) If you are interested in being devoured from the inside out in a slow, agonizingly painful fashion, please let us know. Submit to BEM! Has the scar tissue on your kneecaps finally toughened up enough? It's time to play Wink again! You can never get too much of this fun event! In fact, we're going to hold daily games! Full-contact Red Light, Green Light will always precede the games, as is traditional. However, we will be allowing the swords from the Pterodactyl Hunt in the game. Section V: Non-SWILbusiness (Note: As all the old non-SWILbusiness is completely irrelevant by now, we substitute in random nonsense in its place. Enjoy.) Babylon 5 will be showing at 7:30 in JimMosk's apartment (Greylock 301). Wear flippers and a snorkel. Happy Birthday to somebody, somewhere. Submit to BEM! (Hey, that's not random nonsense! -I and Heather Weidner) You still can't fight evil with a macaroni duck! (I'll be the judge of that! -I) Lord Julius's Goat BBQ will be held on the lawn in front of ML this Sunday. Unfortunately, the main course got news of this and has fled from the Philadelphia Zoo. A substantial reward (leg meat) is being offered to whoever returns him to our possession. October 16th is the 154th birthday of Quaternions. Go out and kill some brain cells to celebrate. (They'd want it that way.) All the tea in China. In 1980, the World Trade Organization estimated its mass at 250,000 metric tons. I'm sure you're a better person now that you know this. Section VI: Submit to BEM! (Oops. We got carried away.) Section VII: Attendance List (Note: It's always the same people coming to meetings, more or less, so you can use this list just about any time.) .- - - . -. -.. .- -. -.-. . / .-.. .. ... - (9/20) Megan "muchia (which is vaguely how "pig" sounds in Welsh)" Powell Cair Gwthynnel Jim Cwrth Moskowitz Dalynnthch Anna "My quote's longer than your quote!" Hess Kira " " Goetschius Lindsay "O fair Germany, thou art lost" Herron Amy "yay carene epoxide" Swift Kyla "I hate having a cold" Tornheim Catherine "Out, damned spot" Osborne Jay "Animals evolved to live on land a whole bunch of times: vertebrates, molluscs, and annelid worms all did it independently, and arthropods did it more than once. But plants only got out of the water once. Now why's that? AND my quote is longer than your quote, and it's more interesting, and besides that it's all true, so there!" Scott Otavia "sigh" Propper Dave "cough, hack, wheeze, drip" Phillips Jimmy Kong "Ranma Since of Pi over Six" Sherry "Kallyr @ aol.com" Levi, '85, O.E. chaos "my quote got lost in crum woods" golubitsky Megan "Too much information, can't function, can't function!!" Hallam Ben Newman Joel "Moment at Random Sillyness" McNary Sarah "high on cough syrup" Bergstrom Heather "Sick, but not twisted" Weidner Sam "avoid the addiction" Weiler Geoffrey Chaucer (Sorry. ASCII doesn't do fonts. -R) Section VIII: Closing Remarks: -- Abort, Retry, Ignore