From jmrobins @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 19:12:41 1999 Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 15:05:52 -0500 (EST) From: Snibor Eoj To: _swat.org.swil <_swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu> Subject: Boo! (Did we scare you, or is it just SWILnews #6?) WARNING: It is said that this SWILnews bears a terrible curse. Any who read it may fall victim to unimaginable horrors, so fearsome that we can't even think of a bad metaphor to describe them with. Proceed at your own risk. It was a dark and stormy mid-afternoon. The quivering teeny-bopper screamed as our slivering tentacles snipped through the last of her tendons that we could find close to the surface of her body. "Aiiee!", she said. "Bwahahaha!" we responded nonchalantly. And then the horrible beasts that are your co-presidents slipped away into the dark, leaving behind only a small lump of liver, 'cuz they don't like liver. (Does anybody? -R) The next morning, a Public Safety Awareness bulletin was sent out. It read as follows: LAST REMINDER FOR THE FROZEN FOOTE RACE Oops. Wrong all-campus e-mail. The right one read: Liver found; if you are missing your liver, we are holding it at the Ben West house. If it is not reclaimed by Sunday evening, you will be presumed dead, and the liver will be donated to Sharples for a theme night dinner. -Terror Narkin (P.S. There was a report of a missing student this morning. We suspect there may be a connection. If you are missing, please call Public Safety at x8059) As can be expected when such a horrific message is sent out to 1400 recipients, everybody trashed it without reading it. And so they were unprepared that night when the co-presidents rose again from their secret lair on ML 3rd. (Go on. Try to find it. We dare you. -R) (Which reminds me, we need to re-poison the bead curtains; RAs have been getting through. -A) 'Twas the night before GREs, and all across Swat, People studied and panicked, rather a lot. The freshmen were snuggled in Willets, E-yuck! And hoped for rooms next year that wouldn't quite suck. The seniors were panicked, for they knew they'd fall flat, And spend their whole lives asking, "You want fries with that?" Then from under the floorboards there came a great cry; I woke up and knew I was going to die; For there in my room, dripping bile and slime Were the SWIL co-presidents, standing in line. They'd all wait their turn to take a few bites, After all, they'd been doing this for several nights. In a flash it was over, snort, gobble, smack, chew, Beware, or what befell me will happen to you. I'm dead now, and in Hell I must write awful poems, Like this one, and they don't even have to rhyme or fit the meter of the original. And then it was Saturday. The day passed uneventfully, and soon the night did fall. (Thump. -R) Public Safety took the day off, since it was a holiday, and they never have any trouble on the night of the Halloween party. It was a decision they'd soon regret for the rest of the week. (And possibly even into early next week. -A) The clock struck 11:23. (OK, we know that clocks don't strike 11:23, but this was a special clock, which only rang when its digits spelled out subsequences of the Fibonacci sequence.) As if of a single mind, all three co-presidents rose from their chairs in Sharples III, and casually sauntered out the door. "We'll be back soon," they said. "Don't start Mafia without us." Strangely enough, nobody else in the room observed the trail of slime that coated the floor in the wake of their departure. (Except one poor fellow who thought it was Jell-o. We'll miss him.) As the horrific beasts boarded the Shuttle, the driver turned and looked at them. "Nice costumes!" he said, "Did you get them at the Halloween store?" "Gromph Mrfl Groonk Splurgali!" they answered. He nodded, knowing these were SWILfolk and drove off. As the Shuttle was passing PPR, one of the co-presidents uttered the glyph of brain incineration and the driver slouched forward onto the horn, brains seeping from his nostrils like warm tapioca. (Hey! No blowing the horn after 10 PM! -R) "Great, (gurgle), now we have to walk," sighed one of the horrific beasts. "I crave tapioca," the other two muttered, as a freakish duo of death, fear, flame and any other random bad thing you could think of. And so they consumed the tapioca, and then set off on foot to complete their journey. "I always like an appetizer before the main course," muttered one of the demonic beings. Far off in the distance, they could hear the thumping bass of the bad band hired to play at the ML Halloween party. "We have a duty, to our dorm and to our stomachs, to put an end to that misery which is the ML Halloween party by devouring everyone there." "Yes, indeed. They should never have awoken us from our quad and invoked the dread curse of Caer SWILog." And so they slouched on, until at last they arrived. *************************** NEWS BULLETIN ******************************* We interrupt this SWILnews to bring you the following news report: President Kennedy has been shot. He was taken to a hospital, but was announced dead at 1:47 PM. (I didn't know we were that far behind on news... -R) Please remember where you are, because people will ask you in 30 years, as if you'll still care. We now return you to the SWILnews already in progress ********************************************************q**************** "Please!" she screamed. "I don't know any penguins named Frank! I swear!" *************************** NEWS BULLETIN ******************************* We apologize for the continued interruptions, but we accidentally brought you the wrong annnouncement. To the best of our knowledge, President Kennedy has not actually been shot, and is alive and well. The following is the correct announcement: Several students have been eaten by horrific beings who have been identified only as the Capre Sidantes. We urge you to remain safe in your homes. Do not venture outdoors for any reason, or you will be in grave danger. (Get it? Grave? Ha ha ha! -R) We now return you to the SWILnews already in progress ********************************************************w**************** They ducked under the flying piano, and continued their advance. Little did they know how good a pianoman Egon was, and they didn't notice as the piano turned for a second pass. *************************** NEWS BULLETIN ******************************* We apologize for interrupting again, but we needed to clear something up. We may have given the impression earlier in this SWILnews that we believe President Kennedy is still alive. We have been assured by the government that we do not believe this, and wish to apologize to our readers and to Uncle Sam if we led you to believe otherwise. We now return you to the SWILnews already in progress ********************************************************e**************** The huddled mass tried to jam themselves farther into the corner as yet another member of their screaming mass vanised into the bottomless maws of the co-presidents, leaving a swath of vitamin-packed gore on the hallowed halls of ML. *************************** Zygrmy Xotich ******************************* Loopgarp neeomic llechiwasiuki mayosmoof garwatana. Lieokata geeble namba kuaratheke. Haspolima grube grube grube. Yoto Yoto Yota. Dom pecholee. Eynching chow Han Solo. Lyba Grugh! Xrt! Xrt! Xrt! Over my dead body... We now return you to the SWILnews already in progress *******************************************************zap*************** Indy ducked behind a boulder, and --- *************************** NEWS BULLETIN ******************************* Oops. We weren't paying attention, and didn't realize we were back. That's a good movie, though. You should see it some time. We now return you to the SWILnews already in progress ******************************************************nope*************** "Mmm... Freshling..." growled the form hunched over the crumpled remains of yet another one of their victims. "They always taste best when they're Pass/Fail." "Indeed, they don't have all the toughness and stringiness that stress builds up in upperclassmen" said another through a moist mouthful of Potato Bar. Or rather, math major. *************************** NEWS BULLETIN ******************************* Just kidding. No news here. We now return you to the SWILnews already in progress ****over here now!******************************************************* And then, they withdrew back to their lair, leaving behind nothing but 273 alcohol-laden livers to mark their passing. *********************** SWILBUSINESS BULLETIN *************************** The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre is too far off in the future to ponder. Reflect instead on the gruesome massacre that just took place in ML. PhilCon will be happening on Nov. 14-16. The price is now the same by mail or at the door, so if you still want to register, just come along with us when we go. We will not be getting a hotel room (Alas! -R), so we will be going back and forth each day. Submit to BEM! Talk to Heather for more information. Anything is acceptable. Just do it! SWILoween looms ever closer. At 8 PM this Saturday night, the festivities begin in Sharples III. They will continue until Public Safety kicks us out or arms the motion-detectors, whichever comes first. Much thanks once again to Lindsay for organizing, reserving the space, and acquiring stuff! The Pterodactyl Hunt is almost upon us! - Monster sign-up took place, so if you missed meeting, you need to sign up to be a monster! Contact Joel, Catherine, or Melissa to find out what's still available! We hope to see you all there! - Swords need to be rolled, and the consensus was that this coming Saturday after meeting was the best time. So Saturday afternoon, we'll be rolling swords. Come to meeting or e-mail Joel, Catherine, or Melissa to find out where. - So now you know that you've got to e-mail Joel, Catherine, or Melissa. How can you reach them? Easily! Just e-mail hunt @ swil.org. It'll get to them. The B5-a-thon took place on Saturday afternoon, and much fun was had by all. All we can say is, "Wow." (Hope that wasn't too much of a spoiler. -R) The SWIL video library lives on! Larry Miller is still maintaining it. If you have any videos you want to donate to the library, contact him to let him know. If you want to take something out from the library, also contact him. The video list is on his web page (http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/~ldm/). SWILCon is not for some time yet, but organizational stuff needs to happen now. There will be a meeting on Nov. 2 (that's Sunday) from 2-4 PM. Location TBA. This Friday is Halloween, and we all know what that means. Yup, Pumpkin Caroling! (If that's not what you were thinking, shame on you.) The Pumpkin Carols have been updated, and we shall wander out around the ville, regaling the poor townfolk with our awe-inspiring singing talent. We will meet on Friday evening at 7:30 in Parrish Parlours, and proceed from there. Contrary to popular (or unpopular) belief, there was no dismemberment this week. That is yet to come. We now don't bother to return you to the story already in progress, and skip straight to... Non-SWILbusiness: Don't forget to have changed your clocks back one hour last week. If you did, just change 'em back a few days, then change 'em back an hour, then come back forward a few days again. Ain't time travel wonderful? (Confused Yet? Well, just remember it's 2:30 PM now and adjust accordingly. -A) There will be an 80's-Cartoon-a-thon on Sunday, Nov. 9. Time and place to be decided at meeting this week. Catherine Osborne has volunteered to organize the Alter-Knit Wits, an evil knitting club to counteract the good forces of Knit Wits. Talk to her about it. She'll love to chat about it, we're sure. Tom the Dancing Bug is cool. And no, it does not feature a character named Tom the Dancing Bug. There was a Wes Craven Film Fest on Saturday night. It was good and fun, and the movies were cheesy. (Note: the previous statement is just an opinion. Don't take it personally if you regard those awful movies as anything other than cheesy. -R) Parlour gaming is fun. More of y'all should do it. And last, but not least, the Simpsons Halloween special will be on at some point. We now return you to the Attendance List not quite yet in progress. ************************************************************************** Hah. I broke free of the asterisks! They'll never catch me... ****** Oh no! They're after me!!! ****** Help!!! ********* AIGH! They got me! ******** Please Let the Pen Come Back List (10/25): Anna "I keep drawing pictures that can't be translated into ASCII, so that the wonderful co-presidents that I love so much can't put my signature into the SWILnews" Hess Heather "Thomas Jefferson is way better than John Adams" Weidner Kira "I broke Amy" Goetschius chaos "the fundamental theorem of _what_?" golubitsky (Why calculus of course. Also known as Stoke's Theorem when generalized to manifolds. It's quite clever. I was going to go through an ENTIRE SWILnews without mentioning it once, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.... -A) Will "I need a good quote" Untereker Dave "Notorious DAV" Mimno Jay "Orthotropous Max" Scott Jimmy " " Kyla "I thought I saw a polypeptide burble" Tornheim Catherine "Is that a polypeptide burble in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" Osborne Joel "WizCon, PterodactylCon, Polypeptide burbleCon" McNary Amy "I broke myself" Swift Dave "I broke you" Phillips Sarah "You did what to amy! Bad Dave!" Bergstrom Ben "Why does everybody write a quote here?" Newman (Don't ask. -R) Lindsay "Cheat us, and we'll tear your soul apart!" Herron Alice "Yes I'm actually here, no it is not an illusion" Unger Megan "Actually, it is" Powell Megan "the Flying Manicotti of Death" Hallam Larry "the Sasquatch Motivator" Miller Jim Jim Moskowitz Moskowitz Weatherby George Dupree Ben "ORC! ( <-Grease Spot)" Williams (Sorry, but grease doesn't translate into ASCII either. -R) ***************sigh******************************************************* And so the beasts slouched off into the night (Why are we always slouching? It hurts my back! -R). And they went to seek another victim, more prey for that monstrosity known as the SWILnews. Then the scent came to them. It was the smell of a trap they had lain earlier that week. Yes, indeed, the cursed SWILnews was working and someone was reading it. They smiled wickedly, knowing where their next stop would be. They would dine well tonight... -- Abort, Retry, Ignore