From jmrobins @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 19:12:52 1999 Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 16:22:36 -0500 (EST) From: Snibor Eoj To: _swat.org.swil <_swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu> Subject: Religion ruined my life, or SWILnews #7 In the beginning, there was darkness. But that was the previous meeting, so we won't discuss that here. In the shortly-after-the-beginning, there was more darkness. Then our alarm clocks went off. Then there was light. And then there was darkness. And then there was much cursing of the darkness (we didn't have any candles to light) and much thumping towards the fuse box. And then there was light. And the Gods stirred from their sleepings, for they were grumpy with the arrival of the early morn. (Grump, grump. -R) (Me Grumplock, Me hate Morning! -A) And yea verily, did they say unto each other: "Lo, for it is morning. Damn." "Someone will pay for this. Who can we smite?" "Our worshippers are gathering in the place of much gnashing of teeth and groaning, let us smite them there." "Oh good, I'll bring the ketchup." And yea, verily, did they then bring themselves forth from that place unto another place, where they did truly go, and there they were, upon their arrival in that other place which was not the first place. (So are we in the first place or the second place now? I'm confused. -R) And lo, they were somewhere. SMITE! And then that place was no longer. And yea, verily, did they then bring themselves forth from that place unto another place, where they did truly go, and there they were, upon their arrival in that other place which was not the first place. And they found themselves in the place of much groaning and gnashing of teeth (And very little ketchup... -A God) (Or oregano -I) And they did confer amongst one another, and they did say, "I don't like this place. What're we doing here, forsooth?" And yea verily, they did then come upon their arch nemesis, squatting squalidly in a corner near a greasy pit of despair. It had bright flashy bits, and assailed them with noisesome noises of such evil bent as has not been heard since the fall in popularity of Menudo. And verily did they decide that something had to be done, and someone had to do it. "But we shall not sully ourselves with this tripe," they said. "We shall find some poor sap, tell him he's our Disciple, and get him to do our dirty work for us." "Mwahahaha!" "Yeah. Mwahahaha!" "Tehee!" "Neener neener!" "Kewl, man. Far out.... totally grody to the max..." "Did you really just say, 'totally grody to the max'???!?!?!?!" "Ummm.... to the min? No... to the middle? To some amount that's not QUITE the max but really truly durn close? Ummmm...." Enter The Sap^H^H^HDisciple, one Joel Alan McNary Jr. (Thank heavens there aren't two of them. -I) (Wait... Aren't we heavens here? -R) (Some might call it The Other Place. -I) (Denny's? -R) (SMITE! -I) Where were we? Oh yes, the Disciple. In this performance, the part of Joel Alan McNary Jr. will be played by Joel Alan McNary Jr. Please hold your applause to the end. "Oh, I have armor. Sort of," he said, as he glanced at the grey rectangle made of a peculiarly bendable substance. "And a weapon. Or rather, a spoon. Hmmm." "Okay Joel, the Jukebox is coming at you! What do you do?," quoth the GM. ( a. Hide b. Hide c. Hide d. FIGHT! -the Gods) The Mighty Disciple (TM) (Watch for action figures at a store near you! -R) swung out with his spoon. Unfortunately for The Mighty Disciple (TM), he rolled a 1. (We kid you not. -the non-benevolent Gods) (We don't either. -the slightly-more-but-still-not-very-benevolent Gods) (We kid you all the time. -the we-exist-only-to-kid-you Gods) (We delete unnecessary comments - the recently-deceased-but-much-needed Gods) WARNING: The following passage contains gratuitous references to intestines. Continue at your own peril. Unfortunately for the MIGHTY DISCIPLE (tm) his critical failure caused him to accidently disembowel himself with the standard issue MK-420 combat tested spoon. His (gratuitous reference... NOW) intestines spilled out onto the white and black tiled floor. (The Gods are very harsh GMs. -A) With the mass of jiggling, squiggling digestive tissue, Joel (upon rolling a 15) collared the Jukebox with his lower intestine and swung around the serving area in a cartoonesque parody of judo. (on a d12, he rolls ... a 5!). That's not enough to do it it. Okay, now the Jukebox... It rolls a 2. But its THAC0 is soooooo low that, oh no!, it starts to play a song. d100 please. "Arlgggggh!" cried the Mighty Disciple (TM), as the Jukebox launched into a stirring rendition of "We Will Rock You." He staggered backward, looking pale. With his last strength, he hurled the spoon at the evil beast. A critical success! The spoon flew straight and true, pierced the Jukebox, ruptured its internal workings, and exited smoothly through the rear. Realizing it was vanquished, the Jukebox attempted to lash out at the Mighty Disciple (TM). But, alas, all it could manage was to squawk out the first verse of "Stayin' Alive." Then, in a massive ball of flame, the Jukebox exploded, its ashes slowly drifting to the earth. That evening, there was Record Bar for dinner. "Help me, please, oh Gods!" cried out the dying Mighty Disciple (TM). But the Gods just laughed at him. "Nyah, nyah! You're dying, and we're immortal!" Unfortunately at that very moment, some of the Other Disciples (TM) arrived at the place of groaning and much gnashing of teeth and verily did they lift their fallen comrade in their arms and hustle him off to the temple where they plied him with bagels and lime jello. Thus appeased, the Gods entered the temple and did listen to the prayers and supplications from their followers. "Okay," they sighed, "We'll heal him. Now this hose connects to this valve and hmmmm, go get some ziti...." And lo, after approximately 27 seconds, they did lay upon him cold compresses of sausage patties, and he was miraculously healed. (I'd say it's a miracle if the sausage patties healed someone. -R) Book of SWILbusiness, chapter XI, verses 23-42: And lo, it did not come to pass that there was a great Hunt on the eve of November 7th. But we did not let that stop us from recounting tales of Glory and Might. Many were the victories for the mighty monsters in that imaginary battle. Daring feats were accomplished, and daring feet were chopped off. We all agreed that while it's fun to make up stories, it's more fun to actually do it. Thus, as we all know, the Hunt is merely postponed to the spring. It shall occur. Thus spoke the Wizards. And there, in the shadow of the Mark of Adam in the land of P'delphia, there was a great gathering, known as PhilCon. Many strange folk did gather there from far and near, and much did happen. There was silliness and singing and C. Tan (oh my! -R), and a jolly good time was had by all. (oh my! -C. Tan) And, as prophecy foretold, did come the day when She was He and then was She again. ("Try interpreting that, o false prophets!" -the Gods) In the far-off lands of Bryn Mawr, there was a race of beings who were ashamed to show their visages to any others, and so they devised a means of shielding themselves from other eyes. They would hold a Ball, in the Masquerade style, and all who attended would be disguised, and none should know to whom they spoke, and havoc and chaos should ensue. And thus it was ordained, and thus it shall be. As tradition demanded, from time immemorial, every week, we, the Enlightened Ones, spread that enlightment to the Unwashed Heathen, in the form of weekly movies. As is also done by tradition, we choose our movies in advance, and the time doth approach at which we shall once again make this selection. On Saturday, Nov. 22, we shall take nominations for movies for the spring semester. At the next meeting, we will take any last-minute nominations, and then will vote on what to show. And as tradition demands, there shall come forth from the people new leaders, and it shall happen every year, and there will be much merriment, etc. Nominations for president will take place on the first weekend of December, and the platforms and elections will be the following week. Money is important. Budget is important. Treasurer is important. Treasurer is going to Scotland. There will be a new Treasurer. To abandon the Biblical style for just a moment, we need to make a book-buying list and submit it to Budget Committee, to expand Birdwainer. Think of books we should get for Birdwainer that aren't already there, and write them down. We'll collect these suggestions sooner or later. Or e-mail 'em to us, at presidents @ swil.org. And it was foretold by the almighty Census Bureau that in 52 years, the population of our great land would increase by 132 million people. As loyal citizens, we have to do our part, so get cracking. Every 7 seconds a woman somewhere has a baby. Your mission is to find this woman and stop her. Book of non-SWILbusiness, chapter MCMLXVIIBMWSPQRBVD, verses 1-e 1/2 price day at the Ville Library booksale. You missed it. Get it next time. JimMosk officially protests. (Get 'im, Disciples! -Ye Olde Gods) There's a Contra Dance last Friday. I'm a co-president. Story-reading a while ago. The Pacific Islanders get their own category in Census 2000. Thus endeth the lesson. The Frayed-Edged List (11/8): Anna Hess (with non-ASCII compliant frayed edges) Tim "Hmmmmm" Handley Heather "Salt and pepper" Weidner Kira "There's a Corn Pop in my seat" Goetschius Ben "185 Quiches walk into a bar" Newman "I had the strangest dream that I was in college..." Elizabeth "roller skating on the grounds of the us capital is illegal, the nice policeman informed me" Weber Otavia "Destruction is our delight, delight our greatest sorrow" Propper Alice "mmm. Specs" Unger Kyla "Was it actively misting just now?" Tornheim Amy "80's cartoon-a-thon! Yaaay!" Swift chaos "may your balance of good/evil spirits not be nasally altered" golubitsky Joel "Badgal navornpldrskat Mandu" McNary Fred "The Welsh, Scourge of England" Bush Dave "The back hunch" Phillips Sarah "If I prove the theory of electromagnetism wrong, do I still have to take a test on Tuesday?" (Yes, but a different kind of test. -R) Jim "I officially test pro" Moskowitz