From chaos at cs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 20:06:05 1999 Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 20:30:52 -0500 (EST) From: Chaos Golubitsky To: _swat.org.swil at cc Subject: Better Late than SWILNews #12 Well, here it is. The last SWILnews of the reign of the Unpronounceable Ones, right on time and in your emailboxes. (Okay, so it's no longer 1998 and the relevant business all happened a month ago, but we are still president, and there hasn't been another SWIL meeting yet, so it's on time.) For those of you who missed the meeting and have been waiting all this time to find out who your new leaders are... we'll tell you in a bit. First, SWILBusiness: We thought we'd succeeded in killing Peter at nominations, but we were wrong. He came back from the dead, complete with a follower, dramatic music, and a homemade pitchfork, and insisted we nominate him or else. So, since SWIL does not, under any circumstances, bargain with those who would use force against us, we valiently opened the nominations for 3 seconds so that Peter could be added to the list. We all gave Amy our 6 cents from the 6 cents mailbox stuffing so that she could make prop for Space Camp. Sarah is organizing inauguration (which, incidentally, is at 10:00 tonight in Bond). Yay Sarah! Get in touch with Ben if you want to join the official organizing body for SWILCon. There will be an organizational meeting next Monday (really next Monday, not next Monday a month ago) for anyone who wants to get involved. Over break, you should have been writing things to submit to BEM. Hlokk explained the voting procedure, using lots of short words (some of them strung together to form longer words - these things can't be helped.) Then we had platforms. 1. Chaos and Kyla: decided to run as Apathy and Malice (credit to Don and Lesley). If elected, they will bring about: - spontaneous gaming at certain prespecified intervals - the return of pog to Sharples (I went on a fact-finding mission over break and found out that they have pog at Carleton. Clearly there's some sort of conspiracy at work here. -H) - Oh, yeah, maybe they'll take over campus or something. If people really think it's necessary. 2. Tupperware, cockroaches, thermonuclear missile: the usual demonstration was done. 3. Parrish basement: speaking of cockroaches... 4. various particles: are very forceful in endeavors. 5. Fred: - will instate mandatory gaming, during any 12 hour block of your choice each weekend. - will use all means at his disposal to control BC and get us our budget - if elected, there will be snow. 6. Jesse "The Body" Ventura and Jesse "The Mind" Ventura: These two make a very good team. If there are any disputes, Jesse "The Mind" is good at working things out, being conciliatory, talking things over, and so on. And, if all that fails, Jesse "The Body" will kick your little pansy ass. 7. Ming (not the dynasty): - scantily clad sci-fi chicks - will try not to dump hail on us. 8. Kaski and Rosie (the quint rats) are almost house-trained. 9. The Atlanta Contingent (Megan, Robert, Dave, and Jess) ran their final campaign, with Megan and Jess for co-presidents, Dave as weapons master, and Robert as token blond. If elected, they promise the following: - Watching Buffy will be an additional requirement for sentience. - SWIL meetings will be called to disorder by Megan holding up a picture of her baby niece and everyone will coo on cue. - Grits will be served at inauguration. - The Troll at the Pterodactyl Hunt will only tell "you might be a redneck if..." jokes. - Instead of the usual Valentine's Day festivities, SWIL will reenact the Battle of Gettysburg, including Pickett's Charge through the Big Room. - The Weapons Master will have final say over the movie list. - All filks are required to contain the words "pickup truck", "mama", "rain", "train", "drunk", and "prison". (Their campaign was going just fine until they demonstrated this. -H) - More 24-hour Gone With the Wind readings. - All SWIL propaganda will now say at the bottom, "Y'all come back now, y'hear?" - SAC-financed SWIL trip to DragonCon. 10. Salt and Pepper shakers: they're always taken with a grain of salt. (Please don't hurt us. We just type this stuff. -H) 11. Hats: anything smart enough to obey gravity is smart enough to run SWIL. 12. Phil's Computers: one of them is shaped like a platform. 13. Fuzzy Clothing: is warm and safe and causes happiness, just like SWIL. 14. Peter's Hat: is more intelligent than the rest of us, but still not as intelligent as Peter. 15. Peter: SWIL is not worthy of hearing this platform, and if we don't elect him, he'll kill all of us. 16. Technobabe and Warrior Princess: - out with trees, in with pink balloons. - gaming all night, every night, in Anna's room; she'll supply rum. While we were waiting for the votes to be tallied, John Finkbiner requested permission to run for King of SWIL, a ceremonial position. His platform included a bag of books which he intended to donate to George, so we voted him in by unnecessary SWIL vote. So, if you've been going around telling your friends that you don't know any college organizations which have a King John in them, you're wrong and should apologize immediately. The votes were tallied, and the winners of the first rounds were: Chaos and Kyla, The Atlanta Contingent, Fred, fuzzy clothing, Peter, and Jesse "The Mind" and Jesse "The Body". So then we had more votes, and tallied them. So, your new presidents are Chaos and Kyla. Non-SWILBusiness: We don't have any notes for it, and, if we did, everything on them would be outdated. The Unwitting Nominees List - 12/12: Phil "Admiral Nelson" Stepleton Abigail "Ha I'm back again!" Friedman Ben "Quoted Middle Name" Newman Amy "I'm clumsy but I rock" Marinello Megan "(Insert clever message here), dammit!!" Hallam Jennifer "twitch twitch" Tyson Lindsay "I _liked_ Showgirls!" Herron (no comment -Gustav) Jessica "breathe, Chaos, breathe" Harbour Amy "subsidizing my trip to the Bahamas one "propping" nickel at a time" Swift Catherine "there are no berries on the mistletoe :(" Osborne Dave "Big sticks are fun" Phillips Sarah "I'm going to be living with apathy? Oh dear" Bergstrom Fred "absence of malice" Bush Robert "what are the eigenvalues of spacetime dilation" McFarland Anna "Vote for Fred and SNOW!" Hess John "John for King" Finkbiner Peter VI Emperor and Prophet Ma - Nameless follower of the prophet Greg "Senco" Ingber - Nameless nonbeliever of the prophet Javier "Juan, Pablo, Jorge, y Ringo" Kong -Hlokk, Goll, and Skogul (umlauts not included)