Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 01:19:14 -0500 (EST) From: Chaos Golubitsky To: _swat.org.swil @ swarthmore.edu Subject: The Midnight Ride of SWILNews #10 Well, we could write another three SWILNewsi describing the rest of our (long, cold, rabble-ridden -d) hike to Newton, but because we're such nice loyal co-presidents, we'll spare you. Just this once. Eventually, Cloak, Dagger, and Prime reached the bad-ass minivan of doom. The minivan was somewhat reluctant to leave the nice, warm driveway (the driveway wasn't warm; what are you talking about? -d) (dammit, can't you people let my purple prose be purple in peace? -c) (no, no, in purple prose, that would be "reluctant to leave the nice, purple driveway." -d), but they managed to convince it using Cloak's spiffy new window scraper. (how do you convince a car to go using a window scraper? -d) (hit it on the dashboard a couple of times; i don't know. -c) Finally, they disentangled themselves from the mass of parenthetical comments and started down the highway. Destination: Swarthmore. Due to the recent end of civilisation, the toll booths were not working, so the drive across the Mass Pike was free, and only involved smashing through three malfunctioning toll booth arms. (ooh, are they dismembered now? -d) We made Prime drive, leaving us free to write about the meeting. Megan was there. Lots of people shrieked and hugged her. Lots of other people went temporarily deaf. If you come to meeting, we'll do the same to you. (no we won't; we only love megan. -d) (alright, the rest of us will do the same to you, and dagger will pout. -c) (and i pout so well. -d) (no comment. -c) (:^P -d) The patheticness of the rabble is declining. We're sure that Abby is very disappointed. SWILBusiness: Amy is applying to grad school, so someone else needs to be the speaker committee. Robert tried to run through the wall. Megan says mangoes don't work in fruit cocktail. (the definition of swilbusiness is gettin' kinda interesting here. -c) (well, it happened _during_ swilbusiness. -d) (if all of your friends jumped off a bridge during swilbusiness... no, wait, wrong advice -c) Kira reserved Bond for inauguration from 10pm-2am. Inauguration will be on the first Friday of classes, which is 21 January. Abby is doing food. If you don't give her $3, the food thugs will not let you eat. (yes, of course we have food thugs. who gave you permission to question our accuracy? -c) Dismemberments: Benjamin George '03: (Amy: "Proof by moose! Proof by moose!") This is a little complicated, but we'll try to remember it. Clearly, we need to reinstate proof by humiliation - it's easier for slow-witted upperclassmen to understand. It was hard to prove sentience before 1978 (because SWIL didn't exist). Elliot does not exist. Therefore, if x represents Elliot (E means exists, and A means for all), then: ~(E x)(e x) (where e = exists) (A x) (~e x) ~e u (for any u) (~e u) v (I u) (where I u = u is infallible) (this is worse than greek -d) (e u) superset (I u) (A x)(E x superset I x) So Elliot is infallible. Just trust us on this one. (actually, don't; we don't like it. -c) Ben has a friend who must be the Pope because she mutters in Hebrew. Ben's friend says he's female. By axiom, the Pope is infallible. But Ben says he's male. The Educational Testing Service exerts a controlling influence on people, so it must be God. By axiom (there were some axioms; just trust us about that too. or don't), God is infallible. The ETS says Ben can't be both male and female. So, Ben is in an indeterminate quantum state. Thus, Ben can kill cats (swil does not condone killing of cats. -d) if and only if he's in an unobservable place with a cat. The cat is in an indeterminate state. (is that like a box? -d) Thus, by Tennyson's poem, Ben can manipulate time. (Someone thought the poem wasn't actually Tennyson.) Therefore, Ben is sentient because he wanted to lose a point on the purity test, so he had a twenty-minute proof. Note: we took this question off the purity test, and if anyone does it again, we will use weaponry on them. Rebecca Kuipers '03: - Sentience can be defined as the ability to feel pain and do something about it. - According to Christian theology, people feel pain because someone ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. - It is generally agreed that the tree of knowledge was an apple tree. Rebecca ate an apple. The attendance list of Megans and shrieking - 20 November 1999 Megan "Well, I didn't have anything better to do, so..." Hallam Larry "I brought the wrong Megan! Egad!" Miller Megan "The Boring One" Miller (please note: all opinions stated in this attendance list are the opinions of the attendance list signers, and do not in any way reflect the opinions of the editorial board. -c) benjamin 'I wanna rage./I wanna go home./I want sex./I want a cookie.' (The ECC) r, george Amy "earrings! and chalk" Swift Rebecca "guns, knives, and spoons" Kuipers (what about daggers? -d) Ben "quote...unquote" Newman Heather "yicky orange - what a disappointment" Weidner Anna "trees and shadows!" Hess Kira "Me & the Tick - We're _real_ close" Goetschius (raise your hand if you don't want to know -c) (ooh! ooh! me! me! -d) Lindsay "They're giving me credit for watching porn & vampire movies. Life doesn't get any better. (Ooh--except next semester, when I get credit for reading 'sentimental' novels!)" Herron Jay "rejoice to hear the solemn curfew" Scott Sarah "saving my brain for later" Bergstrom Rebecca "I want to be infallible." Paul Amy' "I want to fall inbeible." Marinello \~Elliot "Sorry!" Reed John "Stuck in sentience Limbo" Finkbiner Abby "I got to joel for _real_ again! Yea!" Friedman Hollis "while (Megan()) Happy People();" Easter Arcadia "..." Falcone Josh "love for two oranges and a marmalade sandwich" Burdick Melissa "This attendance list brought to you by the numbers 5 through 7, inclusive, and the word "inclusive." " Running Robert "Finally caught the list" McFarland (is it contagious? -c) -Cloak and Dagger