Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2000 03:25:38 -0500 (EST) From: Chaos Golubitsky To: _swat.org.swil @ swarthmore.edu Subject: A Few Words From Your Outgoing Presidents... or SWILNews #12 [Note: this SWILNews appeared as the feature article of the Inauguration 2000 program. This is why it has no theme worth mentioning. It's a feature, not a bug. It's been fun being your presidents.] As soon-to-be SWIL Presidents Emeritus, we feel we have earned the right to take a few minutes to look back on our illustrious reign. There are so many key moments which spring easily to mind, such as the successful invasion of the Sudetenland in 1813. (Or, rather, unsuccessful, but it was Chamberlain's fault...) Anyway, we don't really want to write something long because Cloak still has several more pages to write about weight distribution of error-correcting codes. (Dagger screams and runs from the room.) So, as a token of our good will, we give you this last SWILNews. (It even has the election stuff in it, so you can pretend it's relevant to inauguration.) SWILBusiness: If you have Cordwainer books, you should return them, or at least be aware that you have them. You will be nagged in the future. Give receipts to Elliot before the end of the semester. (or next semester. whatever. -c) Jane Ng wants to write a Cooper grant proposal to bring Miyazaki. She may ask SWIL for help at some point. The time has come (the walrus said, in a particularly sadistic mood -c) to talk about the Massacre. If you haven't been a waitron, you should be one. (Or rather, two or three people who haven't been waitrons should be, not everyone.) Look for appropriate clothing (trench coats for thugtrons, '20s style clothing for victrons). John can get us foam rubber fedoras. Elections happened, hence the part about this being our last SWILNews. (this should clue you in that we were not reelected. -d) The following platforms happened: -the Rotting Corpse of Lord Julius's Goat (platform by Abby) (this is as opposed to "platforms by abby", which would be scary. swilfolk do not design shoes. -c): Hi. My name is the Rotting Corpse of Lord Julius' Ghost. You may remember me from other presidential candidacies, such as the election for President of the Rotting Corpse Society (PoRCS) or President of the Lord Julius' Animals, Dead (PoLJAD) -- a subsection of the greater organization Lord Julius' Animals. So perhaps you're asking yourself, "Why should I vote for this Rotting Corpse? What distinguishes him from all the other Rotting Corpses that are running for president?" Well, I tell you. First of all, I've proved that I am dedicated to SWIL. Time and again, in many different incarnations, I've run for SWIL president. I have never given up hope, never stopped being nominated. Clearly, I care. Second of all, I've proved that I can do the job. I've been elected. I've beaten some of your so-called "serious" candidates -- I've gotten it done. Third of all, I know where you live. And I know an army of rotting corpses I can call on to make your lives miserable. I'm making an offer you can't refuse. To sum up: the next time you stop and ask yourself, "Why this Rotting Corpse?" pause, and then tell yourself, " Because he cares, he gets the job done, and, idiot, do I really want to be torn limb from limb by a rotting army of smelly corpses? I think not." The Rotting Corpse of Lord Julius' Goat: he may not be alive, but he can make _your_ life a living hell. At this point, Robert brought us the following news flash: The Rotting Corpse of Lord Julius's Goat has now been set on fire. So you must now cast your vote for "the Ashes of the Rotting Corpse of Lord Julius's Goat". (In other news, Ben George is now in charge of the SWIL re-enactment society.) -Rosie and Peggy (platform by Jennifer): Food, sleep, and play. Need we say more? -Rubik's Cubes (platform by Amy'): They attend almost every meeting, and if things go really wrong, you can take them apart with a key and put them back together the right way. -salt and pepper shakers: Abby: down with enforced hetero-condimentiality! The rest of us, in unison: umm... -transcendental meditation: Robert: transcend dental medication -cockroaches, tupperware, and thermonuclear missile: We acted it out. As usual. -Heather's hair: This platform was presented by Hollis, and involved use of the word "voluptuous". We're wondering how this impacts Bob Bowman's campaign. -electric field: Amy' and Robert did the wave. -Bob Bowman (platform by Hollis): Vote Bob Bowman for President in 2000! Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for a change in SWIL leadership. Today our children suffer from risk of terrorism in their schools while we promote the very things that create these risks. Columbine High School was no accident; it was a symbol, a microcosm that reflects the macrocosm around us. The world is slipping, folks. Face it, SWIL is no longer the utopian Great Society promulgated by Ghod Emperors of the past. The leadership of our brotherhood of Warders has sold us out to the global robber barons of American multinational corporations. As they speak to us about the environment, the Pterodactyl Hunt, and world peace, they are secretly dealing behind our backs with terrorist nations, Arabian oil magnates, and other foreign threats. While we blithely stroll about hunting the incarnations of pterodactyls, they strike deals with Iraq to buy the oil made from REAL pterodactyls! Face it, folks, the head table is become a haven for corruption and graft. Our Treasurer has fallen into their clutches. Time for a change is upon us! My name is not Bob Rumson. My name is Bob Bowman, and I'm running for President! It won't be easy, people, but together, we can forge a brave new world of global domination by SWIL. I have a simple polypart plan to achieve this goal: -Take political power from big money interests like SAC and return in to the people. -Dump free-investment, unfair-trade NAFTA and GATT so SWIL workers don't have to compete with foreigners earning 8 to 12 cents an hour. -Good schools come from stable, secure families and involved parents. It's time to put the love back into public education! -Stop making SWILlies targets of nuclear terrorists. No more thokstick diplomacy. Defend our borders, not profits of global robber barons. -No National Police Force! Control or disarm Cloak, Dagger, Noose, ', Oedipus! (for those playing along at home, that's, in fact, "oxford english dictionary". -c) -Close the SocAnth department. They put up the front of SOAN meaning SocAnth... In reality, SOAN stands for School of Assassins, NATO division. They're running a School of the Americas in there! -SWIL: not king of the hill nor subservient to the Student Budget Committee, but a responsible sovereign dictator over the family of nations. -There is no National Security without family security. Put people and families first... and mean it! Bob Bowman: Rocket Scientist, Businessman, Combat Veteran, Executive in Government and Industry, College Professor, Fighter Pilot, Ordained Bishop, Family Man. Bob Bowman... for the people! This platform respectfully submitted by Hollis Easter, electoral attache to Bob Bowman, Swarthmore division. -Megan and Jess (platform by Megan): For long years, the South has been the under-appreciated step-child of this country, mocked for its idiosyncracies and made the butt of educated humor. In response to this grave injustice, allow me to take a few moments to outline a few of the regional customs and cultural traits that make the South, in truth, a unique and wonderful place. I think you'll all find that there are many reasons to admire the South, particulalary according to the standards of this esteemed organization... Things to love about the South: - We enjoy an arbitrary execution - Perhaps the next Spamageddon could be a lynching! - The South is a center of unrestrained, off-the-wall creativity. Perhaps most relevant to SWIL is the Southern version of filking, after a fashion, which has resulted in such seasonal gems as "I'm a Were-cow" and "Leroy the Redneck Reindeer" - In combination with certain Philadelphia-area influences, the South has probably the closest thing to haggis that you'll find in American Regional Cuisine. Philadelphia has scrapple, which approximates the filling, while in the South we have chitlins, which resemble the casing. - Two words: Cow Tippin' - Only in the South do Americans enjoy true freedom of speech. Unlike Swarthmore, a veritable stronghold of intolerance, residents of the South are not forced into politically correct boxes of expressive conformity. I ask you, where else could truly offensive racial, ethnic, and gender stereotypes be loudly proclaimed withough even so much as a sit-in held in an attempt to restrict such rights? Now that you have had a chance to learn a bit about the true character of the South, and hopefully overcome any fears brought on by common negative stereotypes, I'd like to turn my presentation to more specific discussion of what our reign would bring to the non-members of SWIL: 1) Greater freedom, unfettered by the daily micromanaging (okay, presence at all) of pesky co-presidents. 2) A more nationwide focus, greater membership base, etc., as we expand our influence to a major metropolitan area, with outreach programs spearheaded by your fearless leaders. Matters in Swarthmore will be managed on a more daily basis by Robert (aka Daisy), our local Vice President and trusted co-conspirator, um, I mean, colleague. Future plans in this area include formalized ties with the SWIL presence in Boston, initiated trough recent Dinosaur Dave PHillips, once and eternal Master-of-Arms for the Still New, but Perhaps not so Shiny, Regime. If nothing else, brute force alone should be sufficient to keep the local rabble, um, non-members, in line. And finally, let me quickly address some of the additional benefits you will enjoy as a result of endorsing our reign: - Low taxes. At 3%, our proposed tax rate is well below the national average. We are willing to selflessly go without the common extravagances of political power, in order to bring you the greatest reform and social programming at minimal cost to you. - Eternal favor, with perhaps some yummy food thrown in for good measure. Brownie points may actually earn you brownies... Another news bulletin from Robert: a stray gale has dispersed the ashes of Lord Julius's Goat. Abby objected. -Ben's camera Margaret (platform by Ben): Ben took a picture. -Sarah (platform by Sarah): If elected, I will sleep through every meeting in the spring, and I won't be here at all next fall, so the rabble is free to have as many coups as they want. -Cape and Knife (platform by miscellaneous rabble): only 3 daily installments of $19.95 each. Damn, they were good with that SWILNews they wrote. -Robert McFarland '02 (platform by Robert, with help from scary Robert): Since I'm sure you know I am capable of being amusing when I see fit, and since I want to make this as short and simple as possible, I will present my platform most uncleverly. Anything you find clever in this platform is purely an accident. I promise I will be more amusing than this if elected president (and no, that does not mean that if not elected I will stop making bad puns). So to the point: I've been power-hungry from the start of my association with this disorganization, and my scheme leads me to legal conquer. Err, I have been active in SWIL since the very beginning of my frosh year, and have even taken power by coup just to be a part of it. Now I am seeking presidency to continue to be involved in this wonderfully silly club. And I want the power to be mine, all mine. I will be sole dictator over everything and everyone will bow to me!!! Umm, as you know I am running alone. This is because there are not that many people running, so available co-presidents are not plentiful. However, I did not want this to deter me from doing something I care about, so I am running alone. I will do my best to be an active, attentive, and responsible president and to turn my singleness into a benefit rather than a detriment because: I will make you all my slaves, and my greatness shall arise from your drudgery! That is, I want to address an issue that has been brought to my attention. In recent years it has befallen the office of the President to directly handle most of the many SWILtasks occasionally interrupt our serious efforts at being Silly. Basically the Presidents of today have been doing a nontrivial amount more than in days of yore. The point has been made that this need not be the case, and in fact there are those that would like to see the trend reverse somewhat. To this end, I heed suggestions that the Presidency assume more of a delegating role. I see this as a positive thing, because it enables more SWILies to get involved in SWILstuff without necessarily having to make a full-year commitment to Officership. For example, it would be lovely to appoint a Scribe to aid in meeting note-taking and the writing of SWILnews (because they're much more entertaining when written by more than one person (I agree to that -j) (hey, who the heck are you? -h) (umm, nevermind. this just isn't funny anyway -j). So you see now why I am superior in all ways to any leader you have yet encountered. Tremble and become my servants! Ahem. Well. I hope I have shown myself to be a good choice as SWIL president and one who will take the job seriously while helping to keep SWIL as fun as ever. Thank you. -Abigail Friedman '02, Amy' Marinello '02, Ben Newman '01 (platform by the aforementioned, aka See No, Hear No, and Speak No): We feel that SWIL as an organization has in the recent past run well, and should continue to be so run, yet at the same time a rift has developed between the true face of SWIL and the face of SWIL perceived by the campus at large. So misinformed, a number of SWILmembers who might find SWIL activities as nifty and fun as we do either never hear of these activies or are unwilling to try them with a group they... don't get. It would be good for us to engage these people both to increase our nonmembership and to foster better relations with the campus at large. To do this we propose: * more regular and frequent scheduling of events such as wink, story-reading, gaming, parlor gaming, filk-singing, etc. * proppage of the first instance per semester of each event for which we desire to attract greater attendance * placement of propped events in publice spaces on campus (perhaps also unpropped events...?) These measures will benefit SWIL in that fun events will happen more often and, hopefully, with cool people we might not have met otherwise. It will benefit the rest of campus in affording them more opportunities to hang out with us. :-) After all of this, an election was held in usual two-round style. The new presidents (in case you haven't been paying any attention at all for the past month) will be Abby, Amy', and Ben. Then there was non-SWILBusiness, but you don't care at this point. Admit it. the attendance list of the end of a glorious era: 11 December 1999 Hannah "gennep gennep" Schneider benjamin 'eeep?' r, george Kyra "SWIL meeting wa sugoi! TSUBABABA!!!!" Jucovy Robert "writing upon the tray" McFarland Rebecca "I hate the shuttle" Jones ~Elliot "I agree with Immanuel Kant!" Reed Lindsay "Want to KILL stupid incompetant people" Herron (And Kant's an old windbag.) Jennifer "too cold to run in a tank top" Tyson Amy "hand-held calculators vs the crayfish superficial flexor nerve...hmm..." Swift John "I have no finals" Finkbiner Abigail "See No" Friedman Amy' "Hear No" Marinello Ben "Speak No" Newman Franzi "EVIIIL" Dickson Hollis "Men...are..._BEASTS_!" Easter Arcadia "if finals cannot coexist with sleep, does that mean they're the same thing?" Falcone Jimmy "My purpose is to fulfill the meaning of life, not to question it." Kong Megan "Umm...platform? Sure, yeah, I have a platform. Umm, let's see...Ooh!! Ooh!!! Here it is..." Hallam Amy "also second messenger systems" Swift Sarah "in need of pennyroyal...ah...er...advil" Bergstrom Your friendly local "Have a house!" realtor BDan "Ad for alien childbirth" Fairchild -Cloak and Dagger