From daniel at sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Sep 3 22:57:48 2002 Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002 00:08:26 -0500 (EST) From: Dan Fairchild Reply-To: presidents at swil.org To: The SWIL List: ; Subject: SWILNews #1 Wants Your Soul! [Satan and several lesser demons are sitting around a conference table. On the walls are charts with titles like "Decline of Civilization", "Roving Gangs of Gay Hippie Abortionists", and "Chinchilla Ownership".] SATAN: Who dares call the Prince of Darkness away from His classic Trek reruns? DEMON 1: A thousand apologies, Master, but I just received an exciting report about that very project. SATAN: You mean our insidious scheme to infiltrate all of Western civilization with occultist technophilic atheism? [Tortured screams in background.] DEMON 1: You remember our former human contact, Jim Huang? [Satan smiles] DEMON 1: Well, the organization he founded is garnering more souls for us all the time. Take a look at what they're doing right now: [Cut to Sharples Room 4. The rabble are not terribly pathetic.] SATAN: Is that what I think it is? DEMON 2: Yes, Master. Rampant idolatry.[1] DEMON 1: They've made a stuffed moose their leader! (I rule! -r) (No, you're Ruly. -c) DEMON 2: They're about to begin a thorough account of their sinful doings. DEMON 1: Yes, they call it ... ***SWILBusiness*** DEMON 2: Now more of them are swearing allegiance to their dark masters. SATAN: And all they get is paltry titles in return? DEMON 1: Exactly. Take JC Ravage, for instance. He's agreed to take notes for them if they just call him "Secretary-Corporal". SATAN: Not even "Secretary-Colonel"? DEMON 2: No, Master, we've got them eating out of our hands. DEMON 1: And they've made Matt Fowles "Lord High Protector of SWIL". SATAN: What awesome authority does that position come with? DEMON 2: [laughs] None at all! That's the best part! He just has to go get movies. SATAN: [shakes head] And I call Myself a Lord of Deception! But wait, how will he get the movies without a car? DEMON 2: He'll borrow Abby Friedman's car. SATAN: How did they convince her to let them do that? DEMON 1: They've agreed to name her "Keeper of Her Majesty's Royal Chariots". [Maniacal laughter all around] SATAN: Wait, what are they doing now? DEMON 2: They're organizing some sort of symbolic human sacrifice. They call it the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. SATAN: Perfect. There's nothing Jesus hates more than human sacrifice. DEMON 1: It so perfectly mocks how he died on the cross for their sins. SATAN: [laughs] Tell me more! DEMON 1: Well, on St. Valentine's Day... SATAM: I love that word! DEMON 2: 'Saint'? SATAN: It's the best thing we've gotten out of the Catholic project yet, except for the bit with the cookies. [waves hand] Anyway, continue. DEMON 1: ...anyway, on that day, a bunch of them, dressed in 20s clothing, sit down for a served meal in Sharples... SATAN: How I miss the twenties! Speakeasies AND flappers! [sighs] Those were the days... DEMON 1: ...and, at the stroke of six, a bunch of other people, wearing trenchcoats and fedoras... SATAN: BLACK trenchcoats? DEMON 2: Of course, Master. Or dark grey, at least. DEMON 1: ...march in, and the dinner guests ask, "What do youse guys want?" and the leader of the ones in the trenchcoats says, "Message from Big Al: Die you gravy-sucking pigs!" SATAN: Sweet sweet foul language! Music to my ears! DEMON 1: And then they pull out their cap guns and shoot the unsuspecting diners. Then the crowd applauds. SATAN: Perfect! Why are they talking about this now? DEMON 1: Well, it's not too early to talk about the massacre, but it is too late last to talk about last year's, and too early to talk about next year's. SATAN: Wait! There are still a lot of blank spaces on the sign up sheet! I want more souls! DEMON 2: I'll get right on it, Master. I'll have the Presidents put a shameless plug to get more people to sign up in SWILNews. DEMON 1: Now they're saying, "Nominate books, you stupid illiterate people!" SATAN: They're illiterate too? This just keeps getting better and better! They won't be able to read the bible, even if they want to. [Screams of tortured souls in background.] DEMON 2: And there will be a kegger! SATAN: You mean a drunken orgy? DEMON 1: Actually, no, it's just root beer. [Satan gives wrathful look.] DEMON 2: But they call it "The Kegger". DEMON 1: So the name is deceptive! DEMON 2: And lying is a sin![2] [Satan looks relieved.] DEMON 1: Anyway. It's going to be on February 16th. SATAN: An appropriately occult date. DEMON 2: Why, my lord? SATAN: Nevermind; that's a part of My master plan I'm not ready to unveil yet. DEMON 1: They don't seem to have decided on a theme yet. It's either a vast international conspiracy, or something about Dadaism. SATAN: Heads -- I win! Tails -- I win! Who's in charge of decorations for this wonderful event? DEMON 1: Raoul -- one of our most trusted operatives. People should let him know if they want to help. SATAN: Wait -- what's the kid with the funny hat doing with that sword? DEMON 2: I think he's whacking Raoul with the sword of negation. SATAN: Oooh! A sword of negation! I love those! DEMON 1: Wait! Now they're voting to call the kid with the funny hat "Elliot Because It's Shorter". SATAN: But it's not shorter! More deception! I grow stronger every moment! DEMON 2: Somebody named 'Kyra' seems to have told Abby to ask if anything important has happened yet. DEMON 1: It hasn't. SATAN: Oh, it most assuredly has! [laughs maniacally] DEMON 2: The absolute final deadline of BEM, the publication they use to distribute their blasphemies, is currently January 31st. [Voiceover of SWILPresident saying "Submit to BEM!"] SATAN: Oh, don't worry, I plan to! DEMON 1: Now Abby' is reading a prophecy! SATAN: Spreading My Word? Which bit of it? DEMON 2:With triple years for aught-five done, By prophecy of Ancient One, Space dogs and mint sauce tale must come -- By senior hand, or else by none. SATAN: That's from my "Greatest Hits" album, isn't it? DEMON 1: There has been a popular rebellion in favor of having the head thugtron come dressed as Al Bloom and say, "Message from Little Al." DEMON 2: Now they're having their lottery. SATAN: Ooh! Gambling! DEMON 1: Abby has won an alligator by sitting in the right seat. SATAN: Ah, it was rigged! Just my kind of lottery. DEMON 2: Now I think they're switching to another part of the meeting, the one called... ***Non-SWILBusiness*** DEMON 1: It seems that ~Elliot, Qian, and Mark had a party in Bond, and Wink was involved. DEMON 2: The English-Scottish Ball is going to be on February 9th, the day after the Ilk filksing. DEMON 1: Death Name Game will be on the afternoon of Saturday, February 2nd, at 2 pm in the ML breakfast room. SATAN: Wink?! Dancing?!! Death games?!!! I love these people! DEMON 2: On Monday, ~Sam showed "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" in ML. SATAN: My favorite movie! DEMON 1: On Friday, at 7, 9, and 11 pm, Abby' is showing "The American President", "1776", and "The American President". DEMON 2: And it's Robert Burns Day! [Screams of tortured souls in background] DEMON 1: Unfortunately, Master, there is some bad news. Even though Rebecca's sister was around, people weren't allowed to hook up with her. SATAN: What?! [reduces Demon 1 to a pile of brimstone] DEMON 1: Aiieeeee! DEMON 2 [hastily]: They were allowed to hit on her, though! [Satan shrugs] DEMON 2: ~Elliot went for a walk in the Crum. And JC is scary. SATAN: All very well and good, but where are the results? DEMON 2: Well master, they seem to have saved the best for last. Not only are they declaring ~Elliot's hat the purple joke, and renaming ~Elliot "The kid with the funny purple joke", but they're talking about having a 24-hour purple joke reading. SATAN: [laughs maniacally] That may be the only scheme i've ever hatched better than Dungeons & Dragons! DEMON 2: Which they also play. SATAN: Well done, My servant! Well done. [Demon 2 elects not to mention that the servant whose idea this actually was is currently a pile of brimstone on the other side of the table] [1] See Exodus 20:4-5 [2] See Exodus 20:16 The Attendance List of Giving Back the Purple Pen or Dying a Horrible, Horrible Death ~Elliot "Forgive me, Jim Huang!" Reed benjamin 'Sense and Denotation' r, george BDan "sleep depivation to go" Fairchild (hmmph. Ruly forgot to sign the attendance list. silly moose. -c) Abby "mice are 793 billion times smarter than rats" Friedman Amy' "uh-uh. _Rats_ are _794_ billion times smarter than _mice_." Marinello Rebecca "Importing younger siblings" Paul John "Iguana are cooler than all rodents - They are cold blooded!!" Finkbiner Adrian "So, you think you can destroy the main system? You have no chance!" Packel ROSS "I SALUTE YOU.. EACH AND EVERY ONE!" MESSING ~Sam "John said -I- could be Arcadia today" Crane Alex "Exeunt with train" Flurie Train: Peinoz o strategoz (when will machines learn to use ascii-renderable Skrotiklez o stratiotez quotes? -c) Testikuloz o stratiotez Alex George, POEE Saint of Unecessary Sainthoods. Chris "Soulless" George (i wonder if they're related to Kempt? -c) (can't be. the name is spelled with a G, not a g. -r) Rebecca "Ib sick" Jones Robert "Curious George goes to SWIL" McFarland MARK "DOORS OF THE KEEPER" HANDLER Will "Great chieftain o' the pudding-race!" Burns^H^H^H^H^H Quale Rebecca "my vulture needs a name" Kuipers (how about Bob? -c) Ben "sing songs, you stupid infilkerate people!" Newman JC "Rei Ayarami" Ravage JONATHAN "MYRT COULD BE PRESIDENT FOR ALL I CARE" SCHNEIDER* Jim "trudging across the frozen muddra" Moskowitz Qian "I'm going to recover my purity points! and premed! and be a music major!" Qian Abby "No, no, I do believe mice are 79_5_ billion times smarter than rats." Friedman Amy' "Actually, rats are in fact _895_ billion billion times smarter than mice." Marinello Abby "Nice try. Everyone knows mice are 907 times smarter than rats." Friedman Amy' "That's all? Pfft. Rats are one million and three times wiser than rats." Marinello Abby "It's not how much, it's that it's greater. And mice are 11 billion, 214 million, 321.3 times greater than rats in every way except body size." Friedman Rebecca "A rodent disrupted my sleep by scratching above my ceiling. Mice + rats are both annoying when I'm trying to sleep!" Paul Amy' "Rats are fifty thousand times better at being annoying than mice." Marinello Rachel "I wonder what my theme will be this semester." Sapiro * THIS FOOTNOTE WAS SUGGESTED BY A CHICKEN ** This footnote has no antecedent SWILNEWS SAYS THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO HEAVEN! TRUST YOUR PRESIDENTS TODAY! Ruly, Kempt, Sheveled, and Couth and the swell, non-litigious people at www.chick.com.