From daniel at sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Sep  3 22:59:03 2002
Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 08:30:08 -0500 (EST)
From: BDan Fairchild 
Reply-To: Presidents 
To: The SWIL List:  ;
Subject: SWILNews #5 can be represented through numbers

16:22, personal note: when I was a kid my mother told me not to write a whole
SWILNews in one sitting, so once when I was twenty I did. (hey! i'm only
2.5! -r) My therapist didn't know if I'd ever recover. Eventually, I became
able to talk without parentheses (I still can't. -c), but something had
changed inside me. After that, I couldn't stop thinking about

***SWILBusiness***

21:25, restate my assumptions:
1. The rabble were pathetic.
2. The Kegger was awesome.
3. People helped out with the Kegger. Evidence: the Kegger happened, there
were people there, they helped out, I love to repeat myself.
4. If people help out with something awesome then they in turn are awesome.

Therefore, the people who helped out with the Kegger are awesome.

21:29, press return.

21:30, results: The cursor moved down a line. Euclid predicts that people are
stupid and illiterate (except of course for Kyla, Qian, Joe and Rebecca
-sc); a good bet. They should nominate books. Also predicts that T-shirt
nominations and voting will be this Saturday; could be trouble, unless people
bring lots of designs and slogans.

21:33, personal note: ~Sam died a little when Prime killed her, how could she
be surprised, after she made a certain suggestion? How can people not submit
to BEM? They see the simplicity of the submission envelope, then they look
closer and stare into the maddening emptiness.

21:35, new data: Remember 24-hour Tolkein reading. It was predicted, and
hasn't happened yet. Must be about to happen sometime. Remember last week's
movie was 'Pi'... It's supposed to be good. Saul said it'd shed some light on
my current situation. Should remember to watch it sometime. Next week's movie
is 'Dungeons & Dragons'. Advanced mathematical models predict that it will
suck.

(No!  Dungeons and Dragons is a filmmaking achievement that will never be
repeated in our time! -s)

(good! -k) 

21:40, press return.

21:41, results: Euclid gives a most curious output, listed below:
Possible SCHLOCK films, in order of priority:
1. Blood Freak
2. At the Earth's Core
3. Deathrace 2000 / Pumaman (tied)
Impossible; 'Yor: the Hunter from the Future' is much worse than 'At the
Earth's Core'. Explanation for anomaly: human error.

21:44, new data: SWIL has a new space in Tarble. The George C. Hurliman(
Memorial Library)^3. It'll provide more ample storage space. That'll be handy,
since I think my landlord is about to kick me and my supercomputer out of this
dump.

21:47, personal note: When I was a kid my mother told me not to write a whole
SWILNews in one sitting, so once when I was twenty I did. I was alone and
confused; I didn't think we'd ever get to
Lottery:

Old Ben won. He took the remaining Cocktail Squid, passing up the Magic Loops.

21:49, personal note: When I was a kid my mother told me not to write a whole
SWILNews in one sitting, so once when I was twenty I did. She said I'd get
desperate for ideas, and start repeating myself. At first, I though she was
right, but as I kept writing, it all became clear: the answer to Life, The
Universe, and Everything; the clever parody, and the importance of

***NonSWILBusiness***

21:49, restate my assumptions: DanB's radio show was one hour after
SWILMeeting. I should've listened to it. Pitchers and catchers have reported
for spring training (woo-hoo! -c) (Do we really have to listen to you go on
about your perversions?  This is a family SWILNews! -s). Evidence: Abby says
so.
So what about MST3K? The bad movies, the heckling? Multiple human hands at
work, at least one mind. A small system screaming with cynicism. An
organism. A natural organism. My hypothesis: Arcadia did show 'MST3K: Pod
People' Wednesday night at 7pm, we just aren't mathematically sophisticated
enough to understand it yet.

21:58, new data: Remember Nick. He got a hair cut. It's fuzzy. My new
hypothesis: all the mathematical references will be fuzzy.

21:59, personal note: It's fair to say that I'm not making any sense, but now
that I can stalk JC by sccs, my data-gathering techniques show new promise.

22:00, observation: This goo shockingly resembles rubber cement. SWIL has
voted to get Rachel an unlimited supply of rubber cement, so she'll never be
bored. They didn't allocate her any ants.

22:02, press return.

22:03, results: The cursor went down a line. Am beginning to suspect a
pattern. It is predicted that this presidency has been voted 'Best Ever',
because of SWIL/News #4. Predictions proved accurate, even though their other
SWILNewsi tend to be cheap overexploitations of simple themes, arcane film
references, inside jokes, and desperate attempts to redeem themselves through
unsubtle self-reference.

22:05, new data: BDan shouldn't be talking during NonSWILBusiness. Good thing
Old Ben killed him with a thok-bat'leth.

22:06, personal note: Abby proposed to Prime. Prime accepted. I think I'll
just sit here seething in jealously and get a headache.

(wow! this SWILNews sucked! (and i should know; i typed most of it. -k) -k)

(On the other hand, we were done in one hour. -s)

(He has a point. -r)

(He even has a volume. -c)

([sigh] -k)

(Can't we use the reasoning from that guy from Common Sense to prove that I
can't have a volume? -s)

(don't say anything that'd get me mad. my thok-bat'leth is almost done. -k)

The Attendance List of Reverse Causality

~Elliot "Free at last!" Reed (Yay! -s)
Abby "Wow.  Thinking up funny quotes is almost as hard as thinking up swilnews
themes...NOT!" Friedman (i'm thinking about writing a ling thesis on negation,
and examples like this just make my life harder. -k)
Amy' "I can't believe I gave that quote away..." Marinello
John "_Dead_Man_ is not Schlock!" Finkbiner
Dan "thrillers should have plots" Blim (or at least thrill somebody. -k)
Roger "I detested every moronic minute of it" Ebert
Arcadia "believer in karmic probability" Falcone (i believe in dice. -c)
Brilliant "looking vaguely Russian" Plumage
Adam "My life for Ner'zhul, the Lich King!" Oleksa
~Sam "I live in a magical world of postmodernism and adventure" Crane
Josh "astute, hirsute, and resolute" Burdick
Jay "What's YOUR favorite Silurian arthropod?" Scott
Rachel "My tastebuds aren't prosthetic, thank you very much." Sapiro
(upgrade? -k)
MARK "NO, I'M NOT VOLUNTEERING FOR THAT" HANDLER
Ben "hmmm... It's a good movie... no, it's a bad movie" Mitchell
Rebecca "heretic, rebel, a thing to flout" Kuipers (eep? -k)
Nick "Last week, I will have signed the attendance list, if it isn't for the
fact that someone is stealing it" Ward
Ben "It's a big mass of jello, that kills you!" Newman
JC "Raif Sevrance" Ravage
BDan "Schlockumentary" Fairchild
Ben * Bagley
	and John "Veil of Ignorance!" Rawls
		*"Schlock: Film of the Proletariat!"
Magic "Still unloved" Loops
benjamin 'intimidate check' r, george
	& Callicles 'Line?' the Moose

Filmmakers:
Judaica Consultant	Ruly
Assistant Ant Wrangler	Kempt
Ant Wrangler		Sheveled
Snorricam Development	Couth