From daniel at sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Sep  3 23:04:04 2002
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 23:49:39 -0500 (EST)
From: BDan Fairchild 
Reply-To: Presidents 
To: The SWIL List:  ;
Subject: SWILActionNews #7

This is Roland Hedley with an important update. A disorderly mob appears to
have gathered in Sharples Room 4, and is resisting all efforts to disturb
it. A representative of the group says they will not desist until

***SWILBusiness***

We now go live to the scene with anchor Tamsin Lorraine.

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Thanks, Roland, We're now getting reports that the rabble may not be
pathetic.

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I'm sorry, Tamsin, you'll have to speak up; we can't hear you over the
rabble.

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I said, the rabble may not be pathet--

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I still can't hear you.

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Anyway, they now seem to be singing 'Happy Birthday' to Prime and Rebecca.
Cupcakes are being distributed to those assembled. I think I see chocolate
and vanilla frosting.

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Is there any word of where the cupcakes came from, and who might be
supporting this group?

---

We have unconfirmed reports that they were manufactured by operatives of
what has been dubbed the "Axis of Abby".


---

Is that a threat to national security? Possibly one that will involve
action-packed news coverage of the sort that wins many awards?

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No, Roland, Abby is a wonderful person.

---

We are now receiving reports that this mob represents an organization that
is behind the upcoming Walpurgisnacht ritual. With more details, here's
occult expert Jack Chick. Welcome to the show, Jack.

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I'm glad to be here, Roland.

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So, Jack, does this "Walpurgisnacht" involve unspeakably evil orgiastic
rites and human sacrifices of the sort that are sure to generate viewer
interest, boosting ratings and advancing my career?

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I'm affraid (affraid only has one "f". -c) (it should have two. -k) (my
comments should be the way i say them, which is with only one "f". -c)
(well, i'm the one who's typing. -k) not, Roland (If you all can't agree on
who should say what, maybe I should just type -s).  Walpurgisnacht is a
celebration of the wisdom and benevolence of their great and wonderful
leader, Sheveled--

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This just in. It turns out that Mr. Chick is possessed by Satan. A studio
exorcism squad is on its way. Back to you, Prince of Darkness.

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Muwahahahaha! I will appear in every remaining SWILNews! And nobody can stop
me! Wait! What are those people doing with that holy water and that
firehose? AIEEEEE!

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Are you with us now, Jack?

---

Yes, Roland, I'm sorry about that interruption. (Are you sure there
shouldn't be a comment indicating that I've stopped typing? -s) (i think
it'll be clear from context. -k) Anyway, Walpurgisnacht doesn't involve
anything that generates journalism awards, but it is an a reading of fiction
involving horror, fertility, and, since it occurs on Arbor Day this year,
trees.

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And when is Arbor Day, Jack?

---

It's on April 27th, Roland.

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Thanks Jack. I'm now hearing that new events are unfolding in Sharples Room
4. Tamsin?

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Yes, Roland, It now appears that JC has been stricken from the record.

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Who?

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Yes, Roland, exactly.

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And now it's time for an update on our special Feature, BEM. Let's hear from
our meteorologist, Hari Seldon. Hari?

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Thanks, Roland. An intense meteor storm (this joke is not my fault. -k) has
destroyed several offramps, blocking access to BEM. So no more submissions
will be accepted this year. Start submitting to BEM for next year.

---

That was... interesting... Hari. And now another update from Room 4. Tamsin?

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The crowd is now demanding a public referendum on something called
"Spammagedon". It appears that voting will be held next week at SWILMeeting,
and that people should think of ways to destroy Spam. Prime seems to be
suggesting that they do something with Spam Enron--

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Wait! Could this mean that they're protesting something that has to do with
Enron?

---

No, Roland, I don't think so. We're now getting scattered reports about
something to do with Spam and being Kosher for Passover. Somebody keeps
repeating the word "Gefiltespam". I have no idea what these people are
talking about.

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Neither do I, Tamsin. Are they planning any other insurrectionary
activities?

---

Well, there's talk of an event called "Bring Your Phone to Dinner and a
Movie" scheduled for Sunday, March 31st.

---

What does that involve, Tamsin?

---

I think they bring their phones to dinner, Roland. After that, they take
them to a movie. The movie in this case is "E.T.", and Prime is looking into
transportation. Wait! They're planning something else! It sounds like JC may
be able to get a speaker.

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I'm looking through the record, Tamsin, and there's no mention of any "JC".

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Right. Anyway, it's now being declared that nothing important has happened
at meeting yet.

---

Wait, Tamsin, I'm having trouble hearing you over the shouting. Is somebody
saying "Nominate Books, You Stupid Illiterate People"?


---

Why yes, Roland, they are saying that. And some of them are also saying that
it's time to talk about the Pterodactyl Hunt. Somebody's forming a committee
to do ongoing hunt planning. Interested parties should contact Ben Newman.

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What do you think of that idea, Jack?

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Well, Roland, pterodactyl hunts are an ancient ritual with strong links to
the satanic-- Wait! No! I'm just talking about Satan! Put the firehose down!

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Thank you, Jack. Back to you, Tamsin.

---

They're now holding an unnerving event called "The Lottery". John Won. He
took the Cadbury Eggs. And now I'm afraid they're about to descend into the
madness of

***NonSWILBusiness***

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Purple!

---

Who was that, Tamsin?

---

I have no idea, Roland.

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And now a message from our network. We apologize that, due to technical
difficulties, we were not able to show "Gaming in Kohlberg" at 1:30 last
Saturday. We hope that the substituted film, "Gaming in Greylock", was found
acceptable by our viewers. And now back to Room 4. Tamsin?

---

They're now planning some sort of elaborate public art event called "The
Helix", due to be assembled for April 1st. Rebecca Jones says that she'll
need lots of useless CDs for it, so people should donate those. A splinter
organization called FOQS reports that it has lost its budget under a couch
cushion. Nobody expects this to affect world events.

---

Little do they realize my sinister master plan!

---

Shut up, Satan! This is Roland Hedley, and we'll continue to give you
updated reports on our studio exorcism project. But first let's have a
gratuitous segment with film critic Howard Roark. Howard?

---

Thanks, Roland. I'm here to report that they now apparently show a trailer
for "The Two Towers" at the end of "The Fellowship of the Ring". I haven't
actually seen the trailer, but the synopsis I read looked riveting.

---

Thank you, Howard. In related news, it appears that Nick is learning to
write Elvish. Regional experts worry that this will provoke the
SWILPresidents to strangle him, rather than attempt to type up attendance
lists featuring Elvish characters. Anything else going on in Room 4, Tamsin?

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Well, Roland, it appears that on Sunday morning Prime, Just Ben, John and
Drew died a horrible death at the hands of their DM, who's name prominently
features the letters J and C.

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I'm sorry, Tamsin, I'm not familiar with those letters.

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Ummm... Right. Anyway, there's a roundsing at 7:30 next Friday, or possibly
Saturday. Somebody will email Jimmosk and sort it out. Wait a moment, I've
just been handed a new report... It appears that the roundsing is, in fact,
scheduled for Saturday at 7:30 under the Belltower.  Cabaret is also due to
happen this Thursday through Saturday, twice on Saturday.

---

Isn't it true that the Dave Barry movie is also going to be released soon,
Tamsin?

---

I don't know where that came from, Roland, but it will be released on April
5th, although an expedition to see it really doesn't need to happen opening
night. That promises to be an interesting weekend for other reasons, since
comma will be showing "Breaking the Code" and "Mother Night" two strange
movies nominally involving espionage during the second world war, on April
6th at 7pm in Trotter 203, and JerseyDevilCon is April 5-7. It's now being
revealed that there was a Wiccan spring ritual on Saturday.

---

Wait a moment, Tamsin, let's hear what Jack has to say about that. Jack?

---

I find it safer not to comment on that, Roland.

---

Thank you, Jack. "Highlander" happened in ML later the same day, and
somebody is inventing a malicious rumor that Nick has become Hare Krishna,
do you have any comments on those?

---



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Well, then, our network wishes it to be known that the publishing concern
that owns it has released a new SWAPA, which has something to do with
medical thrillers, and how Kyla doesn't have brain seizures. They hope this
will generate massive profits.


The Attendance Sheet that Knows What 'Archaic' Means

Abigail "sum antiqua" Friedman who didn't use Greek despite being sorely
tempted
Amy' "Can I be embarassed and eat now?" Marinello
John "The Phantoms' camouflage uniforms are ugly and caused them to lose"
Finkbiner
Rebecca "Topologist, statistician + econometrician extraordinaire" Paul
Jim "The One Who Walks Away From Omelets" Moskowitz
Katie "slow waffle morning" McAlister
Adam "Fill in witty statement here -__________" Oleksa
Ben "_Real_ maple syrup is required for pancakes" Mitchell
Rachel "finally coughing up blood, but for the wrong reasons" Sapiro
Ben "Spring!" Newman
JONATHAN "THE MAGIC LOOPS HAVE BEATEN ME TO IT" SCHNEIDER*
  Nicolas Cameron "Look! I know my name in
Elvish!" Ward
Rebe--a "-- has been stru-k from the re-ord" -ones
RELDNAH "SDRAWKCAB" KRAM
JC "Astel Dizaria' Ravage
benjamin 'easy to hatch' r, george
Callicles 'mind-boggling to close' the Moose
~Elliot "Haste" Reed
Magic "Fantastic shapes!" Loops
BDan "Silence is purplen" Fairchild

* THIS FOOTNOTE IS UNTOUCHABLE (touch! -c)


Thank you for watching SWILActionNews!  And be sure to tune in later today
at 11 when we will repeat the broadcast!

This is Ruly, Kempt, Sheveled, and Couth, signing off.