From daniel at sccs.swarthmore.edu Tue Sep  3 23:04:11 2002
Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 09:40:19 -0500 (EST)
From: BDan Fairchild 
Reply-To: Presidents 
To: The SWIL List:  ;
Subject: SWILNews #8 is in bloom

Why not take a moment to appreciate the sights, sounds, and smells of
springtime?  The chirping of the birds, the blooming flowers, the aroma of
fresh grass, the ubiquitous pollen, the hum of the bees, and the
type-type-type of the SWILNews.  We'd like to start our tour by directing
your attention to this patch of

***SWILBusiness***

over here, which has just come into bloom.

Normally, this patch of notes over here would be frequented by the
Secretary-Corporal, JC.  However, today it appears that he has been borrowed
by the Biology Department so that he can be tagged and released back into
the wild.  Instead, our presence has been graced by the appearance of the
rare Secretary-Corporal for the Day (tm) (once thought to be
extinct. -k).  This particular specimen was dubbed Nicolas C. Ward by the
team of ornithologists who first spotted him in the early 1980s.

Now, down to the south there you'll notice a small field of rabble.  It
seems to be surprisingly nonpathetic, given its size and the time of year.

I'm sorry to report that funding here at the Arboretum has been tighter than
usual ever since our deadbeat Secretary-Corporal was excommunicated, which
is why it's more important than ever that you make a donation on the way
out.  The donation envelope is labeled "BEM Submissions", and can be found
on the SWIL board near the Arboretum Gift Shop.  Please be sure to drop off
any stories, poetry, art, or loose change.  (Why don't you ever say
anything? -g) (we say things occasionally. -c) (You don't say anything at
meetings, either.  You're too docile. -g) (we prefer to rule with a loose
fist. -c) (i thought we preferred to rule by subtlety and assassination. -r)  
All donations are tax-deductible for the 2003 fiscal year.

Now moving along, we are passing McCabe, on the side of which you'll notice
a giant light switch which is not made out of Spam.

Speaking of Spam, the Park staff will soon be conducting a reenactment of
the late sixteenth century Battle of Spamageddon.  In deciding which parts
of the battle to reenact, we discussed many options, including:

	Everyone takes turns stabbing Spam.
	Electrocution of Spam by attachment to car battery.
	Spam-caroling (blame Jim!).
	Mailing Spam to our congressmen.
	Death match between Spam and Spurkey.
	A special event which we just like to call "Microwave".
	A variant on "Microwave" in which we put marshmallows inside first.

I hate to stop in the middle of my description, but if you look over there
you'll see Rachel, who can be distinguished from Rebecca K.'s apprentice by
the distinctive green patches on her wings and tail.

Back to the Battle:

	Reenact that scene from Gladiator, but with housecats as tigers and
Spam and Spurkey armed with toothpicks.
	Get everyone else on campus to participate in destroying Spam.
(You are so wordy.  Hemingway would have a heart attack. -g) (which he
probably would have been thrilled with. -k) (I like my women recycled. -g)
(um. -k) (i think that that should be attributed to Ruly, not me, or, if it's
me, it should have three 'm's and an ellipsis. -k)
	Put faces on Spam. (did your spam have a face? -r)
	Compress Spam into a black hole.
	Drop an anvil on Spam.
	Spam's adventures in the Dupont construction.
	Spam tipping.
	Drive the Spam out of Swarthmore.
	Shoot an apple off of Spam's head, and miss.
	
At this point in the discussion, Sheveled (the lousy deadbeat that he 
is. -k) suggested that Spamageddon not happen, since it has not happened in
the past, and SWIL has not been consumed in hellish flame.  Kempt promptly
declared Sheveled a heretic.  Prime decided to move planning along by
writing new ideas for destruction of Spam on the board.  Also, if you look
up in that tree, you'll see Qian, with her characteristic call of "Bye!"  (I
thought my characteristic call was "I'm going to eat outside.  Would anyone
care to join me?" -g)

The next idea suggested was that of 

	Freezing Spam (again).

After that, the rabble discussed possible ways to smash Spam after it had 
been frozen in liquid nitrogen.  Sheveled attempted to keep the conversation 
on track by saying, "Silence, ignorant heathen rabble," but he was ignored 
until Ruly enforced it for him.  The rabble are afraid of Ruly.  Further 
suggestions included:

	Keel-haul Spam.
	Viking funeral for Spam.
	Wrecking ball vs. Spam.

After several rounds of voting, the freezing Spam was the clear winner.

Now, to the left of the path, you'll notice a grove of stupid, illiterate
people, who should nominate books, but don't.  We think it has something to
do with acid rain.

If you'd shown up last Sunday, you would have noticed a flock of telephones
being brought to dinner.  However, their migration is over now.

That stump over there used to be SWILBusiness, but it was sold to the man in
the ugly hat.  However, you can still see the lottery.  Observe how Adam
Oleksa wins and selects the large metal ant.

The Magic Loops, which have been hanging about the grounds for a number of
weeks now, have yet to prove their sentience.

Now I'll have to ask you to wait a moment, while the mother 

***NonSWILBusiness***

with her little family of NonSWILBusinesslings crosses the path.

We'd also like to remind you that we at the Arboretum provided many useful
services to the community.  Recent events have included a Roundsing with a
Special Mystery Guest (tm), an Easter egg hunt, a showing of The Lathe of
Heaven in the patch of SWILBusiness, and a helix-making workshop.

You'll also want to be sure to drop by this coming weekend, when Lesley
Tsina, a rare North American form of SWILPresident, will be visiting here
during her migration.

Also, in two weeks, Ben's friend is hosting a telescope night in Princeton.


The Attendance List that Lived Its Entire Life in Dupont

Jim "_I'm_ not the special mystery guest" Moskowitz
Abby "_I'm_ not the special mystery guest" Moskowitz
Rebecca "_I'm_ not the special mystery guest" Moskowitz
Adam "_I'm_ not the special mystery guest" Moskowitz
Katie "I'm not the special mystery guest" McAlister
Amy' "Yay Whittier Place!" Marinello
Amy' "Also extremely unobservant, especially this morning" Marinello
Amy' "I'm not the special mystery guest" Mariwitz
Rachel "I'm not the special mystery guest" Sapiro
Michael "The government denies that I'm the special mystery guest" Noda
MARK "I'M NOT THE SPECIAL MYSTERY GUEST, BUT I AM THE MASTER OF SIMMERING
AND DRAINING
Nick "I'm the Undersecretary Corporal, I am, I am!" Ward
~Elliot "If no one ever sees me because I'm always in Dupont, can I be the
	special mystery guest?" Reed
BDan "bodhran of doom" Fairchild
Qian "sitting next to the bodhrandm!" Qian
watto botto
chaos "apparently, in order to suprise someone, one needs not only to show
	up oneself, but also to convince the other person to show up.  who
	knew?" golubitsky
John "Sparkly ink is cool" Finkbiner
Rebecca "Helix" Jones
benjamin '"the" is a quantifier, dammit!' r, george
Callicles 'Faerie Queen' the Moose
Magic "_Still_ unloved" Loops
Ben "Zwip!" Newman
Robert "Roll save versus decoherence" McFarland


The new flower beds were made possible by the generous support of 
Ruly, Kempt, Couth, and Gruntled