/***************/ /* SWILNews #2 */ /***************/ //SWILNews Hunter// /*********************/ /* This Week in SWIL */ /*********************/ This is a brand new bouncing baby section! (Good thing the kobolds didn't eat it! -t) (Do we have to start this already? -d) (All Hail King Torg! -w) (ALL HAIL KING TORG! -dtw) We'll tell you what's going on over the next week, plus other special announcements, at the beginning of every SWILNews, guaranteed 100% Comment-Free! (This is not a guarantee. -t) 1) Gaming, 4pm Saturday, Parlors. Parlor Game TBA. 2) Movie Next Monday (2-10): Diamonds Are Forever 3) There are still a couple of victron spots left for the Massacre. If you desperately want to be a waitron, e-mail Death [mhandle1]. 4) The St. Valentine's Day Massacre will happen Friday, February 14th at 6pm in Sharples. 5) The SWIL Root Beer Kegger will happen Saturday, February 22nd in Paces. People interested in DJ-ing or otherwise helping out should e-mail Death [mhandle1]. /****************/ /* SWILBusiness */ /****************/ Croikey! Did you see that? Considering the size of that Western Sharples Rabble, it was surprisingly unpathetic! I'll have to bring some of me closest mates along to flush it out of the underbrush. Bloimey! It nearly took me head off with that salt shaker! Submit to BEM! These wild Bug-Eyed Magazines will sneak right up on you with their deadlines, and since they only come out of hiding once a year, you'd better be ready on February 28th with your stories, art, and poetry! Nominate books, you stupid illiterate people! How can we catch anything if you can't blinking read? (It's easier to read if you keep your eyes open -w) (Do your eyes close when you get smacked? -d) (I'm going to find out the hard way, aren't I? -w) (You want the honors? -d) ( -t) (Yup! -d) (Huh... you learn something new about the local wildlife every day. -t) In geological time, it's always March! (So that explains why it seems like we've been out here for an age... -w) (Do you want to get most smacked for this SWILNews? -t) (Of course, but I don't think that was smackworthy. -w) (Don't mind if I do! -d) Croikey! I've never seen such carnage in all me life! Since last St. Valentine's Day, at any rate. Careful, mates - there might still be a few thugtrons lurking about. (Wouldn't that make them lurktrons? -t) (Here we go again... -d) (Oh come on, I can't do all of them! -d) ( -w) At this rate, more victrons could be needed to rebalance the ecosystem. And speaking of carnage, there's a ferocious Comma-Hating James Morrow. Very rare, they are. It's a real treat to see one outside of captivity. (What department is he in? -t) (The Department of Hating Comma, of course -w) (That's just recursive, and silly -d) (So's that! -w) ( Ha-ha, gotcha first! -d) (So this is how SWILNews gets to be so long... there's three of you writing at once! -l) In fact, we might be able to catch a glimpse of one on a panel this semester! (Wouldn't that be in captivity? -d) (No, it'd probably be in the Scheuer Room -w) ( -t) Talk to Ben Newman [bnewman @ sccs] to get involved with setting up a panel of authors and professors. Whenever I get back from a long expedition into the bush, I love to kick back with me mates and have a pint of root beer. (They come in pints? -d) ( You are *NOT* Peregrin Took! -t) (Actually, I often get mis-Took for him! -d) (I couldn't possibly comment... -w) (I can! -t) (I saw that one coming... -d) (No you didn't! Your eyes were closed! -t) We all gather in Paces, decorate it up all SWIL-like, and have a blast with our very own DJs, captured in the wild by yours truly. (Why is everybody turning into cats? -w) (What? -dt) Join me for a special episode in two weeks, on February 22nd at 10 (9 central), live from the depths of the SWIL Root Beer Kegger! Croikey! Did you see that? Qian wished It a happy new year! Now, I've been known to stick my head into the gaping maw of a huge croc, but that's just plain crazy! /***********/ /* Lottery */ /***********/ If you had to choose between snagging a rare Keychain Light Lizard and an even rarer Wind-Up Spotted Owl (Are you encouraging us to pun here? -d) (Who, me? -t) (Yeah, I could have spotted you doing it from a mile away! -d) ( -w), which one would you pick? If you're Comma, you'll go for the owl. If you're Jonathan, you'll imitate the owl by flipping over on its axis. (The question is, will the owl help Comma escape from the ravening James Morrow? -w) (What's a James Morrow? And how do they know it's the corpse of God? -b) (I don't know, I haven't read it -w) (Moving on... -d) Remember viewers, if you want a chance to win some of the rarest creatures in the animal kingdom, you need to blinking show up to meeting in a timely fashion! (Aaargh! You have to show up to meeting on time? -b) (Yes, at 12:00:00.0000000 precisely. By my watch. -t) (What happens if someone fools with your watch? -b) (I think he watches for that sort of thing... -w) ( -t) (Maybe we should have let Blake give a guest smack? -w) (When I smack people I sort of gesture with my clipboard. -b) (Is that sort of like "When engineers make mistakes, people die!"? -d) (No, when you make a mistake, people don't die. -t) (Is that a challenge? -d) (Sure. Why don't try to kill Blake? He's right there... -t) (Well, I can't make a mistake on purpose... -d) (Can we get on with the SWILNews? -w) /********************/ /* Non-SWILBusiness */ /********************/ Croikey! Qian's mouth is full of brownie! I certainly hope those little morsels are vegan; the Wild Qian is a natural predator of those helpless little chocolate squares. I love to sit by the trail side and eat a handful of candies while waiting for the nocturnal creatures to come out and play. Me mate back home Jim [jim @ jimmosk.com] will have a candy-tasting on Friday at 7:30pm in his flat. I wish I could be there, but I need to hunt down some baby crocs. There's nothing quite like a good story... and even better than that is a whole pack of good stories! We'll try to corner one out in the open on Saturday the 15th in Parlors. I prize meself on my marksmanship... that's why I love one-shots! (Oh, that's awful. -d) (Awful funny! -t) ( -d) War [jravage1] will be hosting one of these on Sunday, February 9th. Assuming we make it through the week alive, characters will be provided. I've also spotted a few beauts this week in my explorations: -Chick peas are not a part of applesauce! -Applesauce is the subject of the. (Oops... I didn't finish the sentence! -t) -Nick is carrying Elliot's Love Child! (No I'm not! -t) (Are too! -d) (C-3PO! -w) ( t) (How rude! -w) (Beep-bweep doo-beep-deep! -d) ( -t) (I tell you, I don't have the baby! -t) (What? Kobolds ate your baby? -w) (Let me put it this way... Death, check your coat pocket. -t) (Um... I think I threw it out. -d) (You killed Elliot's Love Child! -t) (You bastard! -w) (Well, I am Death... -d) -Death killed Fun at SWILMeeting. -Time's name is not Nicholas Ward. (It's Nicolas. How many times do I have to tell you? -t) -Jonathan's new name is Dopey Galoshes. (Boy, is he going to regret that! -t) -JC's velum will be surgically stapled down so that he can only pronounce his nasals. -Rachel very narrowly escaped Death by Jonathan. -Jonathan's is rubber, you're glue, things bounce off him and stick to you. (Where'd that come from? -d) (I don't know, I thought he was Dopey Galoshes! -t) (Aren't galoshes made out of rubber? -d) ( -t) Me mate Ben Newman [bnewman @ sccs] has spotted a filksing at a nearby home next Saturday day. Have a chat with him to find out more. That's the end of our show, mates! Death called the meeting to death, but Time stopped time and called it to order. /*******************/ /* Attendance List */ /*******************/ //The Attendance List of Having a Wocket in Your Pocket Qian "Paleolithic man ate 250 gld!" Qian (That makes absolutely no sense. -d) (Yes, it obviously made 250 gld! -w) benjamin "geological time forever!" r, george Rachel "The second Saturday like the second Adar: there is SWIL meeting" Sapiro ~Sam "Kawegger Megitty" Crane (Just because we have a president who wuddles his mords... -d) Ben "an indestructible metallic alloy" Newman (Oooo... adamantium! -t) Kyra "These are man-eating plums. That's right; they eat humans!" Jucovy (Croikey! I'm outta here! -c) JC "Corwin of Amber" Ravage (And I'm Irwin of Steve! -c) (I wish we could smack the guests... -t) (Well, why can't we? -d) (Because Time has the keyboard. -w) (We can change that... -d) (Eh, it's not worth having a war over. -w) ( -t) (No, you smacked him! And besides, Time waits for no man! -d) ( -t) (What's that about Tom Waits? -w) ( -d) Arthur "Asexual Reproduction" Chu (Not even gonna ask... -tw) (What, is something the matter with It? -d) (You just kill everything anyway... -t) Jonathan "Welcome to Lodge Setlow" Schneider Elliot's "Nick, you're carrying" Love-child (It has passed on... no thanks to Death! -t) (I didn't kill It -d) (Yet. -d) ( -w) Nick "Not NicHolas" Ward Mark "Garbanzo-Hater" Handler (What have you got against the noble Garbanzo bean? -t) (He can't Handle them! -w) ( -d) /***************************/ /* Corrections/Retractions */ /***************************/ -What we referred to as "Snazz, the Drink with Buzz" is in fact "Harvey's Own Snazzz RED, Refreshing Carbonated Beverage, The Drink With Buzzz!!!". Our apologies to those poor orphaned Zs, and all fans of HOSRRCBTDWB!!! (Thanks to Amy' Prime for pointing out our error. -t) (Uh, that's Amy-Prime-Prime -d) (Oh. Something to correct next week. -t) -Ethan Sherrard's name is in fact Ethan Sherrard, not Ethan Skerrard. -No smackings were nested in the last SWILNews. We promise to end false advertising before it starts! (Damn. It already started. -t) -Upon further review, 2 + 2 = 5. /******************/ /* Smacking Stats */ /******************/ //This Week// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_1_|_2_|_3_| _t_|_4_|_X_|_3_|_7_| _w_|_2_|_1_|_X_|_3_| tot|_6_|_2_|_5_|_13| (rows: smacker; columns: smackee -t) Most Smacks: Time (Woo-hoo! Most smacks *and* least smacked! -t) Most Smacked: Death //Spring '03// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_7_|_7_|_14| _t_|_7_|_X_|_7_|_14| _w_|_5_|_8_|_X_|_13| tot|_12|_15|_14|_41| Most Smacks: Death & Time Most Smacked: Time /***********/ /* The End */ /***********/ Thanks to all of my special guests this evening, especially Lisa, Blake, and me, The Crocodile Hunter. (He's his own special guest? He must use time travel or something. -t) Endangering Species since January 2003, The Mark of Death, The Nick of Time, and the Ravage of War