/***************/
/* SWILNews #4 */
/***************/
//Use Only a No. 2 Pencil on SWILNews #4 Exam//

/*********************/
/* This Week in SWIL */
/*********************/

1) Kegger, Kegger, and more Kegger!! 10pm-2am Saturday in Paces. Come and drink lots of root beer and see our cool space-themed decorations!
2) Come early to the Kegger to help set up decorations. Stay late and help clean up.
3) People with cars should "volunteer" them. Especially on Saturday to pick up kegs and sound equipment.
4) There will be no Game of the Week this Saturday, but there may be gaming at the Kegger (in Essie Mae's).
5) Movie Next Monday : The Manchurian Candidate
6) SWIL is in the Phoenix! The Why-War letter got published: [http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/org/phoenix/2003/2003-02-20/opinions/12697.php]

There have been requests for fewer comments in SWILNews. Courtesy of a Very Small Perl Script(TM), we now present the Commentless SWILNews. All of this semester's SWILNewsii, including the Commentless Versions, are available online at [http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Spring03/index.html].

/************************/
/* Part I: SWILBusiness */
/************************/

You will have 25 rods to complete this section. Do not turn to the next page until instructed to do so. Violators will be prosecuted.

1) The news of what former president's death was relayed at the beginning of meeting?
	a) Dagger.
	b) Ignore.
	c) Gold.
	d) Death. 

2) Consider the answer to question I.1. How did Abby respond?
	l) She screamed loudly.
	m) She attempted to call said former president on her cell phone.
	n) She killed herself with a spoon.
	o) All of the above.

3) After the events in I.2, what happened to Abby?
	m) She became undead, but was subdued by spoons.
	o) She turned into a newt.
	r) She threw the cell phone across the room.
	k) She revealed that she was the dead president.

4) What is happening this Saturday?
	e) The annual SWIL Root Beer Kegger 
	g) There will be an open smacking session with the presidents.
	g) There will be an open thoking session with the presidents.
	s) SWILNews #3 will detonate his nuclear snowball one week early.

5) What should people do to prepare for the event mentioned in I.4?
	n) They should build their own thok sticks.
	e) They should duck and cover. 
	w) PANIC!!!
	t) Follow the instructions covered in the section "This Week in SWIL". 

6) How should Spam(TM)(R)(C) be destroyed?
	b) Nuclear snowball.
	o) Root beer.
	t) Act of God.
	s) Act of War. 

7) What is SWIL's secret agent designation?
	s) 00-Pi
	t) Lethal Weapon V
	a) Slightly Annoying Tool of Destruction VI
	b) Men in Purple 

8) Which of these things should you NOT do?
	h) Throw a nuclear snowball at Al Bloom
	y) Submit to BEM by February 28th.
	a) Nominate books, you stupid illiterate people! 
	r) Come to the Root Beer Kegger on Saturday.

9) What occurred at 7pm in Parlors on Saturday the 15th of February, 2003?
	r) SWILMeeting.
	e) A Storyreading.
	a) SWILGaming.
	d) Candy Tasting. 

10) Doublestar:Arthur:: ...?
	m) Death:Time 
	a) Female:Male 
	w) Michael Jackson:Pterodactyl 
	r) She-Ra:Fed 

11) What was Time forced to do while hypnotized?
	o) Quack like a duck. 
	g) Sdrawkcab og.
	r) Sit through 15 showings of the Star Wars Holiday Special. 
	e) Take all of the copies of "Ogre, Ogre" home. 

STOP. Do not advance to the next section until instructed to do so. 

/********************/
/* Part II: Lottery */
/********************/

Your answers in this section should be determined by a random heuristic. Former presidents are not allowed in this section.

1) Who won the Lottery?
	g) Shirley Jackson 
	o) ~Elliot
	r) Al Bloom
	e) Steve Irwin 

2) What did the answer to II.1 win?
	l) A duck.
	u) A quack.
	t) A wooden car.
	e) A Ring of Power. 

3) What does the answer to II.2 do?
	o) Smiles innocently.
	b) Goes 0-60 in 0.1 seconds, assuming you use a rail gun.
	o) Quacks.
	e) Ducks.

STOP. Do not advance to the next section until instructed to do so.

/******************************/
/* Part III: Non-SWILBusiness */
/******************************/

1) What was the last word of the person who died in Question I.1?
	b) Death! 
	l) Time! 
	u) War! 
	e) Thwwp! 

2) What swept over the meeting?
	f) Kindness.
	e) Darkness.
	a) Purpleness.
	r) Cheeseness.

3) What is Jawaad?
	s) A witch! 
	c) A very small stone.
	r) An old white man.
	y) Wood. 

4) What kills, but not enough?
	k) Stupidity.
	i) Winter.
	l) Death. 
	l) Stripes. 

5) The Darwin Awards need what?
	h) Sushi.
	e) A bigger prize.
	a) Brains! 
	d) Hordes of orcs.

6) What movie should we go see?
	k) Daredevil.
	i) My Big Fat SWIL Wedding.
	n) SWIL to the Future. 
	g) I Know What You Did Last SWIL. 

7) Let Jim = u(t). What might he grow up to be?
	t) Conjunction Junction. 
	o) Delta Upsilon.
	r) Delta Force.
	g) Delta Function. 

8) How long has Noda been dead?
	p) He got better!
	i) As long as Prime has been out of Willets.
	n) 14 seconds.
	e) Since yesterday, where yesterday = Friday. 

9) How many days after Levar Burton's birthday does baseball season begin?
	r) 39.
	a) 40.
	t) 41.
	s) 42. 

10) What kind of vampire is John?
	?) Blood. 
	!) Lymph. 
	&) Salt. 
	%) Trees. 

You have now completed this sections. Proceed to the bonus question immediately. Do not go back to check your work. 

Bonus) With what was the meeting called to order?
	a) It's Id.
	b) A Rube Goldberg device involving numerous artichokes.
	c) Abby's cell phone.
	d) Giant mutant squid.

/*******************/
/* Attendance List */
/*******************/

//The Attendance List of Horrible Unspeakable Evils... and Cheese//
Jim "I see the attendance list has started accepting pop-up adds to support itself. Can't _wait_ for SWILnews..." Moskowitz
Rebecca "salt vs. sugar" Kuipers 
Michael "Cult Prostitution Union of Asherah Local 170" Noda
M. Jawaad "Techno! Techo!" Hussain 
Qian "private... private... private... private..." Qian
Abby "'Prime! No! I cannot live without her! Blooood! No! Back fell spoon! I'm buuuuurning!' in 5 minutes or less" Friedman
Dopey "DILUTE INNOCENCE" Galoshes 
Pop-Up "The Amazing X-10 Camera, Now Only $39.95" Ad 
Rachel "It snew last night!" Sapiro 
Ben "horrible unspeakable evils? cheese? what's the difference?" Newman
David A. Benitez "is finally here!" *
BDan "sharp as a beverage" Fairchild 
~Elliot "Institute for International Economics" Reed
Jillian "It chez last night!" Waldman
Kelsey "Jillian can't spell 'chez'!" Hollenback 
Ben "Mornin' Gromit, time for walkies!" Mitchell
JC "Durendal Lord Roland" Ravage
Nick "If it weren't E-Z, we wouldn't have been meant to eat it at every meal" Ward
Elliot's Love-child
Ear "Fuzzy" Muffs
Greg "Cross to the other side" Robinson 
"HyperText" Mark "Up Language" Handler 

* Donate to the David A. Benitez Gigundo Space Death Laser Fund! 

/***************************/
/* Corrections/Retractions */
/***************************/

Amy' wants a blub, not a blurb.

Last week's correction was incorrect: 2 + 2 really is 5.

/******************/
/* Smacking Stats */
/******************/

//This Week//
___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot|
_d_|_X_|_2_|_1_|_3_|
_t_|_5_|_X_|_4_|_9_|
_w_|_3_|_1_|_X_|_4_|
tot|_8_|_3_|_5_|_16| 

Most Smacks: Time 
Most Smacked: Death

//Spring '03//
___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot|
_d_|_X_|_13|_12|_25|
_t_|_17|_X_|_13|_30|
_w_|_12|_10|_X_|_22|
tot|_29|_23|_25|_77|

Most Smacks: Time 
Most Smacked: Death

/***********/
/* The End */
/***********/

Bonus) Who was not a guest in this SWILNews?
	s) Saruman the White.
	c) Steve Irwin: Crocodile Hunter.
	a) Alex Trebek.
	n) Levar Burton.

Thank you for taking your SWIL DTWs. Results should be e-mailed to [presidents @ swil.org]. Most correct answers earns an automatic entry in this week's lottery. You or a certified proxy must be present to claim your prize. All entries must be received by Friday at midnight.

Putting the fun back in examinafuns,
The Mark of Death, The Nick of Time, and The Ravage of War