/***************/ /* SWILNews #6 */ /***************/ //Would you like to screw your roommate with SWILNews #6?// /*********************/ /* This Week in SWIL */ /*********************/ 1) The next two meetings will be highly informal and may not happen at all, depending on the presence of presidents. If you're interested in attending either of these meetings, e-mail presidents @ swil.org. 2) The first meeting after break will be a discussion of new SWIL activities. Bring ideas and be ready to brainstorm. 3) Nominations/suggestions for Game of the Week should be sent to presidents @ swil.org. Light, fluffy games are best. 4) Movie After Break (3-17): Blade II 5) SCHLOCK movies for 2003 are "Attack of the Supermonsters", "Superargo and the Faceless Giants", and "Space Mutiny", assuming we can obtain them all. 6) Start thinking about movies for next fall as well as T-shirt designs. All SWILNewsii: http://www.swil.org/SWILnews/Spring03/index.html /****************/ /* SWILBusiness */ /****************/ It's 2:00 PM on the day of Screw and we still don't have a date for SWILNews #6. Who is still available? How about the rabble? Nah, they're just pathetic and probably wouldn't go to the party anyway. We could screw it with Qian. She's full of ketchup. (Nah, there were enough food fight screws as it were. -t) (Guilty as charged. -d) (Doesn't she need to ketchup on her work? -w) ( -d) (That's awful. -t) (Yeah, stop pudding words in her mouth. -d) ( -w) Could we make it submit to BEM? No, it's already screwed for this year, but we can always plan ahead for next year. (SWILNews has no head! -t) We could ask the BEM coeds, they're minor deities. Oh wait, they're not. (It's against my programming to impersonate a deity. -t) (Oh, there is an ungodly number of people we can screw it with... -w) ( -d) If we told SWILNews #6 to run around Sharples screaming "Nominate Books, You Stupid Illiterate People!" would anybody care? (Maybe the stupid illiterate people would. Nah, they're probably already screwed. If you're stupid and illiterate, you're screwed anyhow. -w) (Phillips or flathead? -d) ( -t) Is there a future of SWIL we could screw it with? (That depends, is SWIL screwed? -w) ( -d) Maybe some of these ideas might help: * More and different activities * Have more and different people run said more and different activities * Clone Abby (So we can get everyone addicted to Abby-crack? -d) (And never lack for a settlers game! -w) * Separate organization from social group, make the organization more vibrant * Less of a cult atmosphere * Sponsor events with other groups, like Verti-Go-Go (Help! I'm falling! -t) (You mean like in Venezuela, where the clocks are slowing down? -d) (I'm not in charge of time in that sector. -t) (You sub-contract?!? -d) (Uh, yeah. The groundhog is always screwing things up in February. Stupid groundhog. -t) (Maybe we can screw him with SWILNews #6? -w) (Nah. If he's scared of his shadow, do you think he'd ever set foot in Sharples? -d) (I think they serve groundhog... -w) (Eeewwww... -t) ( -d) * Everyone put up prop for events that aren't SWILMovie * Bring people to dinner (And bring dinner to people. -t) (No, I will not be a waitron again. And it's too early to talk about the massacre. -d) (That's okay, death waits on no man -w) (I thought it was time. That's my job? -d) (Time's nose is running away. -d) (Good thing he nose this, otherwise he might lose it forever. -d) ( -w) . At the first full meeting after break (3-22) we will be brainstorming ideas for activities to sponsor. As for now, we've gotten off topic and need to find ways to screw SWILNews #6. We've heard Jim has seen some high class dames. Maybe we can screw it with them. Something important has happened at meeting. (Kyra, we've just screwed SWILNews #6 with you. Ha-ha! -dtw) (Nothing important has ever happened at meeting before. Elliot says so every week. -t) (Well, it's about time something happened. -w) (Yikes. -d) /***********/ /* Lottery */ /***********/ Kyra backed out, so we put SWILNews #6 in the lottery. Unfortunately, Jawaad chose a keychain instead. We hope he has fun on Saturday night. /********************/ /* Non-SWILBusiness */ /********************/ We are so running out of Time. (He's fading before my eyes -d) (I'm not invisible! -t) (You're eyes are fading? -w) (No, not yet, but they will be. They will be... -t) (Eek? -d) What about Cthulu? No... H.P. Lovecraft would never allow it. But he would allow the Sci-Fi Channel to show Degan, a show about him, at 9pm on Saturday. At least if we don't manage to screw SWILNews #6, it won't be bored. (What about the SWIL board? -t) (No, we are not screwing Arthur. -w) (Arthur's the SWIL board now? -d) (Arthur's covered in Ws? -t) We'd better hurry. There's a low pressure system here, and the last thing we need is to screw SWILNews #6 with a munchkin. (I think we're under a lot of pressure. It's already 2pm! -w) (At least this won't be badly remixed by Vanilla Ice. -t) I know who we can screw him with! Noda, who just had surgery to adopt his true gender identity as a black hole! (But then we'll never get SWILNews #6 out! -d) /***********/ /* Schlock */ /***********/ The top nine Schlock nominees were: Attack of the Supermonsters Superargo and the Faceless Giants Space Mutiny Meteor The Beast of Yucca Flats (Shouldn't we be worried about the Beast of Yucca Mountain? -t) (Yucca worry about that if you want -w) (Yucca, that was a terrible joke! -d) ( -t) Bigfoot Doom Runners Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (Woo-hoo! I have a jungle! -d) (Can we screw SWILNews #6 with some cannibal women? -w) (I don't think they go for that sort of thing. -d) (Where's the Steve Miller Band when you need them? -t) Creature from the Haunted Sea Hopefully three of them, ideally "Attack of the Supermonsters", "Superargo and the Faceless Giants", and "Space Mutiny" will be available. (I think the Supermonsters are dating the Faceless Giants. -w) (Well, Superargo's single then... -t) /***************************/ /* Corrections/Retractions */ /***************************/ For those of you classics majors who clawed your eyes out after seeing the title of last week's SWILNews, we apologize. (Is that a dependent claws or an independent claws? -w) (My claws declared independence eons ago. Now all I have are these lousy toenails. -t) (I think that Claus is dependent on eight reindeer for survival. -d) (At least the lice are happy. -w) (Have you ever picked lice with your toenails? -d) (No, I think he chooses them at random. -w) In any event, SWILNews #5 Version 3.0 is an Egomaniac diviSum in tres partes. A recent study has shown that 2 + 2 = Gnu. (Hey, that rhymes! -t) (What did gnu expect? -d) (At least it's a gnu answer. -w) ( Clearly, it was a cebu in a canoe. -t) (What will anthropologists gnu when they find these ancient SWILNewsii? -d) (They'll argue themselves horse. -w) (Neigh! Neigh! I object! -d) (If you're the object, who's the subject? -t) (Gnu are! -d) (Hey Death, make a pun about Time! -w) (You mean it's about Time for him to make another pun? -t) (But a president isn't a subject! -w) ( That should cover all parties involved... -t) (There's only one party for Screw! -d) (What about the pre-party and the post-party? -t) /*******************/ /* Attendance List */ /*******************/ //The Attendance List of Cedars Falling on Snow// Jillian "Douglas Adams is _so_ hotter than J.K. Rowlings" Waldman (I think she's been Rowling about for a new plastic surgeon. -t) (It stands to reason that... no, that doesn't make any sense at all. -w) (If you guys keep this up, I'm going to be on the floor Rowling in agony. -d) (That's not a very nice thing to say about That. -t) Kelsey "Jillian is a necrophiliac/J.K. Rowlings can still actually write and is therefore cooler/da-ang, this is long" Hollenback (Necrophiliac slash is bad. Really, really bad. -d) (Yeah, I suppose he would know. -w) (Or maybe he would gnu! -t) DOPEY "PERMANENT HOUSEGUEST" GALOSHES (Stop yelling! -t) M. Jawaad "Not-Quite-Minor Deity" Hussain (Oh, there's so much we could say that would make him totally us. -w) (Like what? -d) (You don't want to know, and you're the one in that weird necrophiliac slash... -t) (No, no, no, I spun that division off a while back. -d) (Free lottery entry to the person who can give the best suggestion for which company this was. -dtw) (For the record, what I was going to say about Jawaad has nothing to do with necrophilia. -w) Ethan "IN A BOX" Sherrard (How about with a fox? -t) (Or a gnu? -w) (Hey, that doesn't rhyme! -t) (I gnu you were going to say that. -w) ( -t) (Pine? -d) (You know... death... pine box... -d) (Um, yeah. -tw) (I give you a C for that. -w) Dan "Omnipotence of things past" Blim =) Jean "excellent opportunity to shut up" Chretien (in absentia) (Eh, be quiet you cheese-eating surrender monkey! -w) (Ook! Ook! -a) Michael "Handspring Visor is dead. Long live Handspring Visor!" Noda ~Elliot "faith, hope, and charity" Reed (No, Death, War, and Time! -w) Ben "Aaack" Newman benjamin ÔIt will steal your body, and damn your soul' r, george (I couldn't possibly comma-nt. -d) ( -w) (Yeah. Yeah. -d) Jim "deaf-muteness means never having to say you're sorry" Moskowitz (That's awful! -tw) Nick "I love the smell of cedar in the morning!" Ward (It smells like... wood! -w) (Tastes like burning wood? -d) Qian "DJ who doesn't talk 8am-930am Mon." Qian (Being a DJ who doesn't talk 8am-930am Mon. means not having to say you're sorry 8am-930am Mon. -w) (I'm sorry, mon. We was jammin'! -t) J.K. "I am so hotter than Douglas Adams (and I'm alive!)" Rowling (Maybe we could screw SWILNews #6 with her? -w) (I think more people would be happy if we left her alone so she can finish her book. -d) (Make your reservations for Rivendell Spa and Casino now! -t) Douglas "Not dead, getting better" Adams ('Tis merely a flesh wound! -d) Kyura "a useful metaphor... mostly" Jucovy "The late (but not very late)" BDan Fairchild (Not dead, getting earlier! -w) Rachel "Wow, I didn't know they let bad guys into cities too." Sapiro Michael "don't feel like coming up with a good nickname" Cohen Lisa "Petite Quiche" Hunter (But the petite quiche are nearly extinct! They're protected! -t) (Yes, I know. It's like... it's like... Kyra! -w) JC "Sir Tych of Esdragon" Ravage Mark "SLURP" Handler (How do you handle a slurp? -w) (Very carefully. -d) (Yes, with a slurping spork. -t) (Or those straws they give you with Slurpees... -d) (I think that this is the last straw. -w) (Yeah, it's time to straw this to a close. -d) ( -w) /******************/ /* Smacking Stats */ /******************/ //This Week// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_0_|_4_|_4_| _t_|_5_|_X_|_6_|_11| _w_|_4_|_0_|_X_|_4_| tot|_9_|_0_|_10|_19| Most Smacks: Time (And now 100% -free! -t) Most Smacked: War //Spring '03// ___|_d_|_t_|_w_|tot| _d_|_X_|_13|_16|_29| _t_|_22|_X_|_19|_41| _w_|_16|_10|_X_|_26| tot|_38|_23|_35|_96| Most Smacks: Time Most Smacked: Death /***********/ /* The End */ /***********/ Thanks to the ape for becoming a special reappearing immediately surrendering guest. Still searching for a Screw date, 3 days later, 3 days later, The Mark of Death, The Nick of Time, and The Ravage of War