From abrown1 @ swarthmore.edu Wed Apr 7 19:43:38 2004 Date: Wed, 7 Apr 2004 20:18:20 -0000 From: Andrew B Conforti Reply-To: presidents @ swil.org To: swilnews @ swil.org Subject: Case File #000042255666: SWILNews #7 Case File #000042255666: SWILNews #7 To: George J. Tenet, Central Intelligence Agency CC: [Names Withheld for Security Purposes] From: [Name Withheld for Security Purposes] Re: Case File #000042255666 Sir, As requested, I worked my way into the ranks of the Swarthmore Warders of Imaginatinve Literature [SWIL]. I followed most of the inane procedures, including proving my sentience and being 'dismembered' [a merely figurative term]. I have managed to win their trust, but am reporting my latest findings in direct results of their last meeting, which took place March 27, 2004, in [Location Withheld]. All three presidents were presiding over the meeting: [Name Withheld], [Name Withheld], and [Name Withheld]. They called the meeting to disorder [A peculiarity I notice among the SWIL meetings] at 12:10 PM, although there were disputes over the actual time. I would like to note that at the meeting in question, the "rabble" missed the call to disorder, leading to the "most...pathetic...ever". I would not presume a reason, but it is worth noting. The first order of SWIL Business was with regards to a curious event known as Spamageddon. [Name Withheld] offered to run it, along with [Name Withheld]. While I was not aware of the exact details of this event, the next few minutes allowed me a greater understanding of the proceedings. Spamageddon seems to be [Information Withheld for National Security Purposes] Jesus slash. The weekly discussion table, of which I have noted my suspicions of merely being a front for weekly planning for more sinister activities, will be discussing "Star Trek". As usual, I will be attending, although I have not yet been able to decipher the elaborate code in which the attendees speak. I will keep attending this event until I can understand the purpose and content of these meetings, which occur on [Date Withheld] in [Location Withheld]. The discussion topic for next week will be "Eastern Standard Tribe". I recommend attempting to cross-link this organization with Native American Terrorist Organizations, given this reference. As mentioned in my last report, this week's Saturday Night SWIL will be children's story reading, as opposed to the rather popular and loose-moraled Sager. It is my feeling that this is a rather suspicious presence of compassion and propriety; however, I was not able to attend the event because [Information Withheld]. Because it was too busy, the week of April 3rd would not be a Round Sing, and because [Name Withheld] was to be in St. Louis, K'NEX construction was not to occur. I feel that [Name Withheld] is the head of SWIL's underground engineering group, and his presence was meant to accomplish more than the rather innocuous "ball factory". Bomb production? Please confirm or deny with any additional information you have. As it is, [Name Withheld] suggested we read "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" radio scripts, and that was decided upon for the weekend of April 3rd on [Date Withheld] in [Location Withheld]. The discussion then turned to [Name Withheld], one of the editors of BEM, their underground, possible subversive publication. The presence of [Name Withheld] on the editorial committee only confirms my suspicions, due to [Gender Withheld] earlier citations and [Information Withheld] kissed Chief Justice Reinquist on Public Access. In any case, the information has been compiled, and the publication will be released soon. I will, of course, foward a copy to you when I receive one. I have more information on Walpurgestnach: It will take place on the 24th of April, at [Time Withheld] in [Location Withheld]. Given that it is a festival of horror, "love", and trees, I feel this is again, merely a cover for SWIL's eco-terrorism chapter, led by [Name Withheld] and [Name Withheld]. Nevertheless, with careful watching, I'm sure I can keep them in check. Parent's Weekend seems to involve a downgrading of SWIL activity, as the only events will be a Roundsing and possibly showings of Monty Python. Neither seem to be particularly subversive activities. The weekend of the 3rd, on [Date Withheld] at [Time Withheld] on [Location Withheld], [Name Withheld] will be hosting the Grande Melee. I will be keeping a close eyes on things here, in case the name is more than simply figurative, but even wholesale slaughter is below them. The only time my life was in danger was during [Information Withheld] taking photographs. I assure you, he *will* be dealt with. Nominations for Schlock will take place on the weekend of the 3rd. As I've said, this is a showing of very bad movies for the purposes of entertainment. I've heard some of the suggestions, and feel that this is amongst the most innocuous of SWIL's actitvities. The only thing that worries me is this "Turkish Star Wars", which may be anti-American propaganda disguised as bad film. I will, of course, keep you updated. On the ntoes of my earlier reports, I have been keeping the weekly SWILmovie in check, and although I feel "Mary Poppins" is not about to instigate riots, I will be attending again this week. In a rather haphazard and someone dictatorial manner, the assembled voted on T-shirt designs. A rather ominous one with the caption "All you need is SWIL" won, although the actual mechanism seems uncertain. The colors of the shirt will be black, red, and white, with the cloth coming in almost every color. I feel that this openness is among the factors encouraging the moral degradation of this institution, what with its open acceptance of anything a person chooses. As I've mentioned before, this is distressingly similar to when [Name Withheld] [Verb Withheld] [Name Withheld] at SWILoween. Please advise. The Friday of the 3rd, the SWIL nonmembers will evidentally be spreading onto the Bryn Mawr campus. I am uncertain whether I should attend; [Name Withheld], the SWIL-DoubleStar liason, seems relatively normal for a nonmember of SWIL, but I still feel constant supervision is necessary. [Name Withheld] won the lottery, and happily took [Information Withheld]. Moving onto Non-SWIL Business, [Name Withheld] revealed that the [Title Withheld] showings will be, hereafter, moved to [Location Withheld]. There will also be a concert tonight, the 27th, at 8 in Lang. I suggest you drop by and see it, sir. On a more serious note, [Name Withheld] will be showing "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter" at [Time Withheld] in [Location Withheld]. It also seems that [Name Withheld] wants to take some SWIL nonmembers off-campue to see baseball in Baltimore. Once again, showing a strange amount of restraing, [Name Withheld] expressed a desire for "protection" at Sager. As to the exact nature of the protection and payment, I did not inquire, but knowing [Name Withheld], it's not going to be anything we should be approving of. On a happier, and less SWIL-related note, Ruach Mystery Seder Theater 5764 will be showing "Prince of Egypt" on Apr. 8 in SCI 199. The SWIL candy hunt also seems to be occurring soon, on Easter Sunday. I hope this won't turn into another [Information Withheld]. Finally, [Name Withheld] seems to have gotten his hands on some illegal German imports-videos, tapes, films, the like. He will be apparently showing them to interested parties. It was with this last point that the meeting came to an end. I would like to request back-up from any department you can. There's only so much I can do by myself, especially with so little control over the "mob". I am worried that if left unchecked, this SWIL threat could grow into an actual danger to the nation. As always, I wait patiently for your respone. [Name Withheld] Attendance List of the Black Plastic Big Thing in the Middle of a Car [Name Withheld] "The Scribe Formerly Known as Andrew" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "That's no gas tank...that's a muffler!" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "That's no muffler...that's my wife!" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "[Up arrow] Eeep?" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "X-Prize entry prototype [We definitely need to check in on this one]" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "I need to come up with a better quote" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "Evil Robotic Bookshelves [Is this an engineer? Perhaps a reference to later projects...]" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] The vau't Blake isotherm" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "Ysabelle" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "Loki's proxy" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "The Spaminator" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "[There is some sort of chemical formula written here-have sent scans for further investigation]" [Name Withheld] "Suggested transliteration: bromination of 1-methyl-2-cyclohexene" [Name Withheld] "out to the side, quarter turn up or down, quarter turn, into the center, halfway around, fall back, fall back [Wartime strategy? Please advise]" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "Physics is stealing my soul [Some sort of satanic reference, may be alluding to a class teaching other types of satanic rituals. I will investigate as needed.]" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "Why did John teach Lagrangians in Physics 7?" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "Uninspired" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "I am ten ninjas [Not only does this imply the formation of a formal military wing of SWIL, it should be 'ninja']" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "...rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor [Seems to be instructions for the piloting or starting of some sort of machinery. Will locate and interrogate.]" [Name Withheld] "Re" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "[Nickname Withheld for Incriminating Identification Information]" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "Rum" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "The Lash" [Name Withheld] [Name Withheld] "[Nickname Withheld]" [Name Withheld]