Harry Potter and the Fifth SWILNews (there's something about the fifth swilnews that's canon.  no, wait, i'm thinking of the fifth beatle. -r)

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Summary

*SWILMovie is The Mouse That Roared at 9:00 on Monday in the Mertz lounge.  There will be refreshments, but only if you bring them.
*The Waitrons (Revan, Meggie, and Margaret) and Mendez are extremely awesome.
*SWILlege Bowl has been postponed for next week's Saturday Night SWIL.  Talk to Arthur (achu1) if you want to help write questions/prepare.
*T-shirt designs are due at next week's SWILMeeting.  They don't need to be perfect yet, but you should bring a paper copy to pass around.
*Shlock nominations are due the meeting after break (March 18th).  Nominate movies that are bad, low-budget, watchable, and do not involve foreign languages with no subtitles and/or llamas.
*Submit to BEM!
*We want to drive the snakes/dragons out of Swarthmore on St. Patrick's Day.  Andrew will have more details soon.
*The Kegger theme is Psi-Phi Toga Party/the Ides of March.  E-mail Susan (szell1) and the presidents if you want to help with decorations.
*SFDT is on Friday at 5:30 this week; the story is "The Propagation of Light in a Vacuum" by James Patrick Kelly (http://www.infinityplus.co.uk/stories/jpklight.htm).

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" 'arry Po'er is in terrible danger!" boomed Hagrid to the group of professors clustered together in the corridor of Hogwarts.
"Not now, Hagrid!  Wait until we call this meeting to order," snapped McGonagall.
"Or *dis*order, I expect," sneered Snape evilly.
"It is now--hmmm," said Dumbledore, peering at the jumble of numbers on his pocket watch.  "Well, anyway.  As you know, Hogwarts is pleased to accept a number of new exchange students this year.  I expect that all of you will treat them with the same care and professionalism that you do our current students."
Snape sneered evilly. (we're terrible people -p it's true! -r)

Harry Potter lugged his trunk up the many flights of stairs to the Gryffindor common room.
"Oh, hello, Harry!" said Nearly Headless Nick, floating out of the wall.  "Did you hear about the portrait of the roaring mouse?  It's been taken down for repairs after Mrs. Norris slashed it up in a fit of rage!" (slashed it up? eh? eh? -r)
"So we won't be seeing The Mouse That Roared?" asked Harry, shocked.  "That was my favorite tradition!  We always watch The Mouse That Roared at 9:00 on Monday in Professor Mertz's private lounge!"
"Not this year, my boy!" said Nick, winking at Harry.
"What?" said Harry.
"*Not this year!*" said Nick.
Harry backed away slowly.

Still crestfallen after learning that his favorite tradition was *not going to happen* this year, he trudged into the Gryffindor common room only to find a large group of new students smiling at him.
"Hi, Harry!" they said in perfect unison, their color-changing eyes flashing purple and silver.
Two girls clutching pet owls latched on to Harry's arms (how can they clutch and latch at the same time? -r fanfic is all about anatomical impossibilities -p).  "We're Leah and Emma (possibly -arthur's notes).  We transferred here from the Athena School of Witchcraft. Are you here to rescue us?"
"Uh...wrong movie," said Harry, blushing to the tips of his ears.  The girls sighed. ([long debate about whose mom is stupider and who hates whom more] -pr)

That evening, all the students, new and old, proceeded to the Great Hall for the traditional first dinner of term. All the new students had tried to look their very best, and were looking around wide-eyed. A group of cute girls with natural highlights noticed Harry's lightning-bolt scar and began fighting among themselves, trying to decide who would get to sit next to him at the Gryffindor table. While they were arguing, however, a slim figure dressed all in black slid into the unoccupied seat, almost unnoticed.
"Welcome back to Hogwarts, students!" exclaimed Dumbledore, dressed in his finest shining purple dress robe, brandishing a muffin (i love dumbledore. -p naked time! -n) "Before we all dig into the wonderful feast, I have a few announcements. First, I wish to thank the valiant first-year students who tried to stop the Death-Eater Massacre last Valentine's Day. Though they failed miserably, we must nevertheless thank them for their bravery. Ten points to Gryffindor!" The hall erupted into applause, except for the Slytherin table, which booed snidely.
"On a happier note, we also wish to thank the hardworking Japanese exchange students who shared their culture with us by delivering NinjaGrams." As he spoke, a heart-shaped card flew towards his shoulder and perched there, nudging him insistently. Dumbledore opened it, and a shower of heart-shaped shuriken flew out and embedded themselves in the wall behind him. "It says 'You're Welcome'!" he exclaimed happily.
Harry looked around and noticed that the person who had been sitting next to him before had vanished, to be replaced by a pink-haired girl who was staring at him, muttering under her breath to her magical toad. He tried to edge away along the bench.
Dumbledore continued. "I know that many of you were looking forward to competing in Saturday's Muggle Trivia Bowl, but unfortunately it has been postponed until next week." A murmur of disappointment ran through the hall. "Instead, students can either attend a roundsing with the students from the Athena School of Witchcraft, or attend a special exhibition of the newest magical artifact we have received at Hogwarts (finlay, you put the HO in HOgwarts. -p), the Mirrormask. If you are interested, see our new DADA instructor, Professor Gaiman." (squeeeeeee! -nprandrew)

After dinner, Harry hurried to make the first Quidditch practice of the season. "Has anyone seen our bloody uniforms?" he asked, ransacking the locker room. "I could have sworn I locked them up at the end of last term." No one had seen them. "Right, then, I expect we'll have to design a new team shirt. If anyone has ideas, please give them to me before the match with Slytherin next week. Make sure that they're high-resolution so that the magical press can make good copies. Unless you want to submit a hand-drawn version, then you don't need to worry. Okay, who's here to try out?"
He looked at the new faces that had shown up to the practice. A sea of eager transfer students milled around, swishing their brooms and tossing their hair. "We're Quidditch experts!" they piped happily. Harry sighed.

Too soon, it was time for the first dreaded Potions class of term. Harry trudged down to the familiar dungeon where Snape was already stalking along the rows of tables. "Today," he sneered evilly, once everyone was seated, "you will attempt to make a passing approximation of the Schlock Bru (imagine the umlaut -r over every letter! -n no! -r). I want you to use your books and your limited expertise to make a horrible movie of low production values and no plot. 5 points from Gryffindor. I should, however, be able to tolerate watching your finished movie without serious mental damage. Students whose final Bru is in a language other than English without subtitles will fail instantly. 20 points from Gryffindor.  I expect five scrolls on this by Saturday the eighteenth. Am I understood?"
The Slytherin students snickered snidely, fixing Snape with sickly smiles. Harry and Hermione, who were partners, sighed and got to work. Behind them, Neville was stirring something into his cauldron. Hermione turned around just in time to see it emit a huge cloud of foul-smelling smoke. Snape was there immediately. "What's this, Neville? Llama blood? I'm afraid you simply don't know what you're doing. 50 points from Gryffindor, and clean this mess up immediately."

On his way to his next class, Charms with Professor Flitwick, he saw several posters advertising a student publication called Bug-Eyed Magazine. "Submit to BEM!" they shouted, and showed a picture of a girl in glasses and a green and blue knit sweater waving becomingly at passersby. Harry wasn't sure he had anything to submit to a magazine (except his virginity -andrew O_O -r please never speak again -p), but he decided to remember to tell Colin about it so he could maybe submit some photos. Remembering that all of Colin's photos were of *him*, however, he thought better of it (giggle -nprandrew).

In Charms, Professor Flitwick announced that their task for the day would be to make a snake leave an area, in preparation for an upcoming event when the students would help drive the Snakes from Hogwarts ('howarts'? finlay, you're really fixated on this prostitution thing, aren't you? -andrew). "Snakes," muttered Ron. "Why did it have to be snakes?" (andrew is superior to tradition. fellate him! who took my wings, oh darlin', who stole my wings, boston ho! -arthur's notes).

Harry's last class of the day was Divinations up in the dreadful lair of Professor Trelawney. As he walked in, she turned her huge glasses onto one of the older students, a boy with auburn hair and natural highlights, and uttered, "Whence come snakes and horrendous dragon god? Andrew's day has faded into unending twilight. Hands off, Pupkin scum!!! Attendance list THATAWAY!" (courtesy of arthur's notes). The student dropped the teacup he had been holding and sidled off in the direction she had indicated (and whimpered -p).
"Greetings, students. I can feel it! I can feel the Cosmos! I have seen in your futures that you will attend a party thrown by the new exchange students. I see everyone dressed in togas and saying "Phi-Psi!"...or was it "Psi-Phi"? I foresee that some of you will be DJs and...and...Harry!" She turned directly to Harry. "You are in terrible danger! Beware the Ides of March! It's a trap!"

As he left Divinations, Hermione handed Harry a magical badge with the letters 'SFDT' sparkling merrily across the front. "I'm recruiting for my new reading group!" she said proudly. "We're meeting Friday at 5:45 in the upper half of the dining hall!" (but the dining hall is one floor -n anatomical impossibilities! -r)
"Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!" said Fred and George in passing. (i hate you -p)
"80 points from Gryffindor," sneered Snape evilly, also in passing. (wtf -n)

When Harry got back to his room, he found a note on his pillow which said, "Harry - you're in terrible danger - meet me at the Room of Requirement at midnight. Bring your invisibility cloak." (is this where the slash comes in? -p malfoy hasn't done anything yet. -n O.O -pr)

At midnight, he slipped upstairs to the meeting place. (how full of innuendo can we make their conversation? -p let's find out -n oh god, we're at the mystery bowl -r mystery pants! -n the magical mystery pants are coming to take you away -p) A shadowy figure stepped out of the shadows.
"Malfoy!" hissed Harry. "I should have known you would have something to do with this mysterious invitation!"
"I knew you would come," smirked Malfoy unpleasantly. "You couldn't turn down a mystery like this."
"What do you want?" (what you say? -n you have no chance to survive make your time -r i'm glad we amuse ourselves so much -p) said Harry, taking off his cloak.
"I have a present for you," Malfoy smirked. Unpleasantly. "You have a choice. Do you want this dirty Muggle movie I found, or..." he paused, enjoying keeping Harry in suspense. "The Mystery Bowl?"
"The Mystery Bowl?" said Harry. "What's that?"
"It's in there." His vague gesture could have indicated either the Room of Requirement or his pants. Harry chose to interpret it the more pleasant way. (uh... -pr)
"No, not my pants!" shrieked Malfoy in horror. "The Room! The Room!" (gah! -pr we should possibly never be allowed near computers again -pr)
"Oh," said Harry, blushing to the tips of his ears. "Wow, awkward," he said, and punched Malfoy in the face.
"100 points from Gryffindor," sneered Snape evilly, who had been hiding in the shadowier shadows. (this grammar makes me cry -p) "Harry, see me in my office."
"I need to get out of here," Harry said to the Room of Requirement's door. A tiny pink NinjaGram slid out from under the door and flew to his shoulder. "You will get a NinjaGram!" it chirped, and several dozen more NinjaGrams slid under the door and flew to him, grabbing his clothing (rule seven! rule seven!!! -p) and carrying him out the window. (oh, ambiguity -r)

~*~Epilogue~*~
Several days later, Harry was still serving his detention in Snape's office. "Can I have some food?" he whined pathetically, chained to a desk. ("can i have my pants back?" -p)
"20,000 points from Gryffindor," Snape sneered evilly and handed him a dusty volume. "I will consider feeding you when you have copied this incredibly dull ledger."
"Awww," said Harry.
"Greg criticized Alex's hair and was deducted 400 points," he copied. "Jackie wants to see Time Bandits. What the bloody hell is this?"
"Eight billion points from Gryffindor," sneered Snape evilly. "No talking."

"Attendance List of Jackie Sucks," Harry copied.

"James "I'm a princess!" Mendez Hodes (the prettiest at the ball -n  are you in another castle? -p)
Most "Pathetic" Attendance List Ever
Meredith "Alex in leather" Conforti Brown (why is alex in leather?  i can't remember this conversation! -n)
George "Deathton:gue" Dahl
Sarah "Kything" Hartman
Jillian "uncreative plug for SWAPA" Waldman
Leah Kane (sp? -r) Risman
Margaret "Billy and the Boingers" Cosgriff
Miles "I'm an albatross" Skorpen
Maggie "No. 2" Ladlow
Revan "No. 48" Williams
Malcolm "No. 6" Augat (wtf? -np)
Anna "SWIL-Mawrter in Training" Melton
Benjamin "Where the Trees Have No Name" Newman
Michael "Ninjagram Ninjagram" Noda
Greg "My Funny Valentine" Robinson
Arthur "Low Budget Piece of Crap" Chu
Jackie "This space intentionally left blank" Werner
Eliza "GOODS" Blair
David "Antipope" Pupkin
[elided] (wtf? -np)
[elided]
[elided]
[elided]
[elided]
Finlay "Hatred of Bagels" Logan (but you ate a bagel today! liar! -p)
Alex "Arthur Chu" Pshenichkin
[elided]
Blake "Here out of love" Setlow"

Harry spontaneously lost consciousness.

END OF CHAPTER ONE.

@--,-'--,-

How did you like it, guys? ^_^ I had lots of homework this week, but maybe if I get 50 positive reviews I'll be able to post the next chapter next week! Hawwwt action ahead!!! :3 Also, I need someone to beta-read my new OT3 story with Legolas, Aragorn, and Jack Sparrow! First commenter gets to be in the next chapter!! ^______^;;; (let's never write fanfiction again.  it makes my brain feel dirty. -n  oh, sure, miss "in his pants"! -r  i was getting into it! -n  draco's pants? -r)