Peter Jackson's SWILNews #11 ***************** SUMMARY, SWILBUSINESS: - A bunch of alumni came to meeting and were introduced to the frosh. - SWILMovie is the MST3K, Prince of Space, Monday, New Dorm, 9 PM. - Give Finlay $$$ for a SWILshirt and tell her what you want. - Yesterday's SNS was Ben Folds and the Wind Ensemble. Next week's SNS is the Big Gaming Thing, which we hope will have prop by later today. Free pizza! - Chaos told us to inform folks about Slush Fund use so that more people will contribute, which means we need to think of more cool (ab)uses for the fund, like pizza at events. - Reunion is still happening on October 6-9. Five million billion people will come. Or maybe 70. - Walpurgisnacht will be April 29th, with story reading starting in the evening and going until everyone leaves. Stories should ideally be about horror, fertility and trees, and be short enough that everyone gets a chance to read (15-20 minutes). - Rembrances, May 5th. Start thinking of anecdotes about seniors. NON-SWILBUSINESS: - Abby has lots of TV series and wants to watch them with people. - George Takei at UPenn on April 10th at 7 PM, talking about Star Trek and being out. UPenn, Hillel building, 215 S. 39th St. Take SEPTA to University City. - Roundsing last night and also sometime this week. - Jim wants to run a Star Trek KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN! (sp? -r) ****************** "Hello, my name is Peter Jackson, and I would just like to rub it in that my country is prettier than yours." --Noda ############### Memo to New Line Studios: Hey guys, here's the screenplay outline for "The Fellowship of the SWIL." I know the title may seem a little derivative, but my publicist assures me that the public will love it. Love and smooches, Petey ###BEGIN### A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...No, wait, crap. I mean, some stuff about elves. In Elvish. Or Klingon. As narrated by Jillian Waldman in her role as the Elf Queen, or possibly Christopher Lee (christopher lee is the elf queen? -p he would be the best elf queen ever -n). Then SWILMeeting was founded, and the great tradition of SWILNews was begun. This should take at least forty minutes. Brief (10 minute) scene of the slaying of Arthur Chu with the legendary sword, Mini Sharpie. Scene about Finlay and her epic quest to destroy the Shirts of Power, with the help of the dread god Cthulhu (backstory on Cthulhu? No more than 20 minutes) and the funding of her Fellowship, who each contribute eight gold pieces. Unless it's a long-sleeved Shirt of Power, in which case it's more like twelve gold pieces. (fifty shirts for swillies on their dark thrones... -pr okay, guys, we're at an hour and ten minutes here... -r it's a peter jackson film! we've just begun! -n) Introducing the rest of the main characters: Cut to a quiet village called the Shire, where a hobbit named Abby is having her eleventy-first birthday party. It's not even her birthday until October, but everyone is having fun nonetheless. Quick character studies on Abby herself, Jimmosk, Larry, Prime, John, and Chaos, and recap of the familiar characters from prequel film Die Froschen (Revan, Meggie, David, Malcolm, Margaret, and Kristin. They speak excitedly of an upcoming event called SWILMovie, which features a fictional character named Prince of Space. Use clips from Prince of Space to illustrate each character's emotional state. (Should take 30 minutes max.) While attending Prince of Space, the party is broken up by a battalion of orcs, whose battle cry is "Come to the Big Gaming Thing next Saturday Night!" Their leader adds, "In the Science Center! Free pizza!" Our intrepid heroes are sent on a long (2-hour) journey to find the mythical Slush Fund and destroy their Shirts of Power to save the world. (why is everything in this movie mythical? -r because...you suck -n i don't suck, i'm the public! -r) Along the way, they learn that the Slush Fund has many uses - for example: "movies, button makers, DVD/VCR player, sushi for presidents, vacation to Bermuda for presidents, Belgian mercenaries (for presidents! -n), Death Stars, blackjack, hookers, your mom, etc." The Slush Fund also heals all wounds. (i thought that was time? -r) The party is starving to death in the wastelands of Sharrrrples when they are rescued by the Union of Prime, five hundred million billion strong, which upon their hearing their mission promises to send reinforcements (a re-union, if you will -n) to assist them in their final battle. Before they continue on, our heroes sing the traditional battle hymn "Happy Birthday" in the tone of pain minor to express to thanks. Wistful flashback to Abby's lighthearted birthday celebration in which each member of the party reflects on what they have lost. (70 minutes.) Next they enter the forest of Walpurgisnacht (shpooooky -p), where they are captured by a combination strike force of Ents led by Sarah and forest elves led by Jillian (or possibly christopher lee -r), who force them to listen to story after story about horror, fertility, and more Ents. (omg, that wasn't in the original booooook! -p *smack* -n) Luckily, they are also provided food by Arthurpupkin, the strange, bald, emaciated creature which has been following them for weeks. (don't kill us! we love yoooou! -npr when are we going to get to feel the cosmos? -r the notes say "arthur and pupkin are doing it (wink wink fudge fudge)" -r i think that's nudge nudge -n or possibly fudge nudge -n you guys are stupid, it says nudge nudge -p) (five hundred billion million minutes.) "We loves sushi, yes, preciouses," hisses Arthurpupkin evilly. "Even more than we loves cheeeseseseses." (stop! -r) The Ents and elves tell them about the legendary Seniors (legendary mystical space seniors -r space space space -r is there a bathroom break in this movie? -r) who long ago sailed into the West, leaving this world for a greater one, where the trees have no names. They tell of a yearly event called Remembrances, where each year more Seniors sail to the Grey Havens (is that like the grey lock? -r you're so mean -n five million points from gryffindor -p wtf, msword just capitalized 'gryffindor' -n) and leave our world forever. Larry left the party in protest, knowing that he would never see the Grey Havens, except in his dreams. He was immediately massacred by goblins. (40 minutes) (but i saw him later that afternoon -r he was a ghost, so there -n) Kristin, the sixth member of the fellowship, is spontaneously visited by a tiny, adorable alien (holy shit! a space alien? -r die -n). It tells her mystical secrets and she leads the party out of the Walpurgisnacht Wood to continue their quest. However, the presence of the alien seems to have distorted reality somewhat; suddenly they are surrounded by columns of shimmering light, and hundreds of uniformed Starfleet officers appear around them. (peter jackson is losing his touch -r q's fault -p) Legolas's keen elf senses detect danger immediately. "It's a trap!" he shouts. Unfortunately, he shouts this in slow-motion Klingon, and nobody else understands him. His honor is much besmirched. (5 minutes) One of the officers steps forward and says, "I apologize, but is all an elaborate experiment. Everything you know is a lie, especially if it's about Jim's high school friends. We wanted to shock some puppies, but the Humane Society said we had to use people." (George Takei cameo? Guys, get on this) (animals are people too! -n) Jim draws his sword and says, "I was going to betray you guys at some point - now's as good a time as any, I suppose. MWA HA HA HA HA! Now you must come to my roundsing!" HUUUUUUUGE slow-motion battle scene in which the Union of Prime leaps from concealment, and Space Ghost Larry the White leads a spectral charge against Jim's (pants! -r) billion million Uruk-Hai minions and Starfleet officers with phaser rifles. The battle rages for approximately two hours, during which all the characters you like die horribly, in slow motion, with pained expressions on their faces. (because they're, you know, in pain -r) What is left of the party runs away as quickly as possible to Mountain Doom Code Red, where they take off their Shirts of Power and throw them into the lava (in slow motion! -n), thus saving the world and making them slightly cold and embarrassed. Arthurpupkin dives into the lava, trying to save the shirts so that decency may be preserved, but is burned up and dies. Horribly. (the narrative demands it! -r the narrative demands that you continue! -p) (30 minutes - no, an hour in slow motion) Cut immediately to Foreshadowing (TM), in which the Seniors, led by Abby the hobbit, climb onto a giant mortarboard (mordorboard? -n) and sail away forever. Everyone is sad, especially Christopher Lee, or possibly Jillian. The end. (40 minutes.) Total Run Time: 10 Million Billion Hours. ###END### Memo to Peter Jackson: Petey, this is garbage. What the hell were you huffing? Did the cat get on the keyboard again? Legal says the Star Trek stuff might be iffy and Arthurpupkin's manner of death seems rather out of character, but we'll work it out in editing. Pre-production begins in two weeks. See you soon (XOXO), New Line ################## Attendance List of Where the Hell is Spring? BDan "not doing anything" Fairchild (that just makes me more suspicious -n) Sarah "I don't want to be a heathen!" Hartman Jillian "not in Jim's pants" Waldman Chaos "so, about those trees...which I swear never used to be there" Golubitsky Abby "fish-schlapper" Friedman Larry "He triiiied to kill me with the forklift!" Miller Jim "Whr dd th vwls n ths ncknm g??!" Moskowitz Margaret "hah!" Cosgriff Kristin "grab the hoocker's crotch!" Caldwell (you guys are going to have to imagine the adorable little dots over the 'i's here -n) Malcolm "Up" Augat Revan "Chuck" Williams Greg "Adjacent to Jim's Pants" Robinson Arthur "In the Inner Circle" Chu William "About to make the most unfortunate hiring decision of his life" Strauss George "'s pants are so much more desirable than Jim's" Dahl David "HA! HA!" Pupkin James "Kim Arrow Fan Club" Mendez Hodes ee i e oe i i iae o John "~ ~ ~ ~" Finkbiner Amy' "Happy Birthday to Abby" Finkbiner Jerome "Not visiting grad school" Fung Jackie "..." Werner Finlay "while you eat your birthday stew, we will loot the town for you" Logan Eliza "Shirt-ninja of POWER!" Blair Christopher "My character's not evil, really!" Lee [drawing of Christopher Lee] <-- totally not evil Brought to you by Ninja (FOTR), Pirate (TTT), and Robot (ROTK), the Presidency of Mortal Enemies