Due to a rather severe overpopulation of thermonuclear salad bowls at
breakfast this morning, there will be no swilnews today.  Jed is
recovering from tomato burns, John has radishation hair.  So please,
lettuce hope that they recover.  (No I didn't write that just to put
that line in.)  In other news, a large Ferris Wheel appeared on the
floor of the New York Stock Exchange, bought 100 shares of IBM, decided
it wasn't really worth it, bought all of Ford Motor Co. instead, sold
it to a homeless waif in southern Illinois who later decided he liked
it so much he would keep the company, and married the stepladder of the
Ferris Wheel.  Also today, Ed Meese resigned, John Palmieri was named
Attorney General, Sherry Levi took a job as head of UPenn's Wharton
School of Business and decided to visit Swarthmore on the way up, and
BC agreed to sponsor not only Samuel Delany, but an entire Swilcon.

Just kidding!  April Fool's!
None of those things happened today.  What happened was this:
BC gave Swil $1633.50, enough to completely redo not only Sally's wardrobe, but
Jed's and John's as well.  Of this money, $120 is for literature, $750
is allocated for films, and $250 has been donated to the highly
recommended project of bringing M. Samuel R. Delany to discourse
profoundly on topics of interest to us all, or at least an enlightened
few.

Other news:
In a desperate and most probably vain attempt to drop the increasingly
(and, I might say, increasingly problematic, at least from a stylistic
perspective) pretentious and elitist tone of voice (it's simply so
tacky to display, nay, may I say FLAUNT one's superior breeding and
intellect with language.  Tres declasse, as the French say.) from this
volume of the institution known as the Swilnews, he dropped down a few
steps on the social ladder


and jes you wait till what ou is gonna hear comin' down the pipe this
time around!  OOOOWEEEEE!!!  Now folks, one of the truly GREAT, and may
I say GREAT once again things about Swil is that it manages, GOd knows
how, to publish, every year, a magazine!  Some call it a magazine-we
call it BEM.  And we need submissions, folks, and I mean now!  Send
your leeterature to Kir Talmage now!

and folks, that ever-popular thing we all call the Science Fiction
Discussion Group is still going strong in your neighborhood, namely
Sharples Reserved Room, 5:00 sharp!  Don't miss it this week y'all,
topic is role-playing games and systems, pros, cons, fessors, victs,
and lots of other bizarre things!  See ya there!

And finally, for all you bloodthirsty PC types out there who have no
outlet for yo pent-up aggressions and such because this campus jes do
not allow that sort of thing, you can join Perry in his thirst for
blood (see, Ms. Kate, no comments about you this time 'round), guts,
glory, and real good chances to use all the machismo he learned from
watching so gosh-darned many Dirty Harry movies.  What I am talking
about here is the first installation of a Spring Pterodactyl Hunt,
brought by Alex and Bruce to this fine campus on April 8th, raindate
April 9th.  Save your newspapers!
                            Last but not least folks we, as always,
                                      The Presidents That Go ++!!==