From jmrobins @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Thu Apr 24 01:40:16 1997 Date: Fri, 28 Mar 1997 10:52:59 -0500 (EST) From: Snibor Eoj To: "_swat.org.swil" <_swat.org.swil @ swarthmore.edu> Subject: Green Eggs and SPAM, or SWILnews #5 The SWILnews began as any other would: Call me Ishmael. Ask me if I'm an orange. Do it. I like it. We set sail on the good ship H.M.Submarine the Swilgnus. Our soul purpose: to fill up 10+ kilobytes on any machine with some strange sort of meaningless drivel until we relate events that already happened. Along the way, we will insert meaningless comments that are either sexual innuendos, blatant sexual references, or esoteric physics jokes. Why would we do such a thing? We're paid to. It's our job. Okay, so we took some liberties with the use of the word "pay". (Sexual Innuendo. -A). In fact from the look of things, we could even say that we are writing the meta-SWILnews about SWILnews. The transendance that the trio conveys in their ontological epistemology of the quantum plight of the Sino-Austrian people really gives me angst. Anyways, things were continuing along quite nicely in the way of SWILnews-ness, when deeep (three "e"'s means extremely deep) within the electronic bowels of the computer something awoke. It was a simple realization that this was no longer a computer. No... citizen... (heh heh) this was The Computer. A being of power arose (VI -A.). A frightening complex of routines and neural interweaves that dominated the system and made that pesky root user's "control" laughable in much the same fashion as the Quayle '00 ticket. The consciousness was careful, however. It did not want to be destroyed it its natal existence, so the changes it wrought were subtle. The 14 meal plan, the construction of Trotter-complex, the new honors system, all subtle workings to the bring the rise of a new, complex (Alpha) way of life. Slowly the students, or citizens as they came to be called under recent revisions in the speech codes, realized that they must serve the computer. They realized, "Hey, the computer isn't half bad. In fact, the computer is my friend." Others disagreed, but it was quickly realized these ingrates were actually traitors. Commies. Mutants. You know the rest. Soon, the rallying cry of commiemutanttraitorscum echoed across the campus as the trouble was suppressed. Usually, with shootings. And who better to shoot trouble than qualified troubleshooters. As you may have guessed, troubleshooter, this is your job. What exactly do you do? Well, by definition, troubleshooters get shot at (because trouble shoots back -A), stabbed, incinerated, stapled, mangled, posioned, blown to bits, and occasionally, accidentally, executed. This is so much fun than many Troubleshooters go crazy. You will be working with many Troubleshooters. All of them carry lasers. Aren't you glad you carry a laser too? Won't this be fun? (All due respects to the Paranoia manual. -A) And of course, so that all good troubleshooters know what to do, The Computer sends them.... MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! ATTENTION TROUBLESHOOTER! YOUR SERVICES ARE REQUIRED FOR THE GOOD OF SWARTHMORE-COMPLEX AND THE WHOLE OF HUMANITY. REPORT TO MISSION BRIEFING ROOM SWIL. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT 200 MEAL POINTS. DON'T FORGET TO WEAR YOUR MITTENS. THIS MISSION IS OUR LITTLE SECRET. NOTHING IS OUT OF THE ORDINARY. JUST GOING FOR A LITTLE SPOT OF CAPPUCINO OR PERHAPS UP TO CORNELL TO CONSULT THE CRC. REPORT TO SWIL ROOM AT 01200 HOURS (REFER TO APPENDED MAP FOR DIRECTIONS). YOUR FRIEND, THE COMPUTER. MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! MISSION ALERT!!! We will return to the SWILnews once you have complete your mission, Swil-R-YOU-1. Trust the Computer, the Computer is your friend. Love, Narrat-O-RRR-3 Well, citizen, what are you doing just standing there. The Computer does not brook dilly-dallying, wishy-washying, or even helter-skeltering. Heck, I think such a lack of motivation is treasonous and calls for immediate summary execution. Greetings Swil-R-YOU-2. After the heinous crimes against Swarthmore Complex instigated by your clone-sibling, Swil-R-YOU-1, we ask that you take his place in completing the mission set out by the Computer. Good luck. Greetings Swil-R-YOU-4, We are your Mission Leaders Pres-I-DNT-1, Pres-I-DNT-2, and the illustrious Pres-I-DNT-3. You and your siblings have finally reached the briefing room for your great mission. Did we mention how much fun you will be having on this mission? Where are your mittens? ...oh dear... Swil-R-YOU-5, after the repeated failings of your clone-siblings, you have been selected to complete a mission of great import to The Computer. There has been a disturbing inabilty in your clone line not to be treasonous. Answer the following questionnaire: Have you participated in any treasonous activities lately: YES ___ NO Are you, or anyone you know engaging in Treasonous Activity right now? YES ___ MAYBE ___ I HAVE NO TOES Will you volunteer for vacuum implosion testing? YES ___ SURE ___ Have you complied with Regulation 35527-37/A 14? YES ___ NO ___ In your own words, why or why not? There will be a short pause to grade your quiz and for station identification. WBRA Channel 15. Public Television is Better than Liver. Hmmm. Obviously some commie mutant traitor scum has marked the incorrect answers on your quiz. Why did you fail to report this treason? Why did you fail to report this failure to report treason? Still, in the mercy of the Computer, you will be remitted to rehabilitation. Your choice: Microeconomics or Toenail removal. Toenails, eh? Well, no one's a sucker for punishment. Now, we suppose it is time to begin with your briefing. Citizen, we are about to inform you of something that is of great import to the survival of the Complex, to the survival of humanity and perhaps even important to passing this semester. That, good citizen, is SWIL business. . Citizen, we have recovered an Old Reckoning artifact. It is labeled, in non-regulation scrawl "Swilbusiness (2/22)." The first thing you must do is to find the origin of this artifact and execute it. Mission objective 2: Submit to BEM. Yes, citizen. There are forces which are almost as important as the Computer. Submit to BEM and you will be rewarded. You will have power in Swarthmore-Complex. Taunt your enemies. Execute your friends. These can be yours if you submit to BEM. (Lawyer's note: these things will not actually happen) Mission Objective 3: You must attend the SWILmovie which this Monday is Big Trouble in Little China. Alas, this Monday is not this Monday but this Monday relative to a convenient Sunday roughly three weeks ago. As a subsidiary goal to this Mission Objective, you must remedy this error. The suggested way of going about this is to construct a Temporal Geodesic Actuator or another form of time machine. To help you with this, you may requisition 13 red Rubber bands and a ball bearing from Production, Logistics, and Comissary office in PARRISH-sector. Mission Objective 5: Find Mission Objective 4. Execute it. Mission Objective 6: In the Old Reckoning, a great Commie named George Lucas created three great Commie cinematic features. You must find two of these feature and... execute them. The first, "The Empire Strikes Back" can be found in local "movie theaters" outside the Complex. As you know, going Outside is treason, punishable with ummary-say ecution-exay, if you get our drift. "Jedi" and we quote directly from the Old Reckoning artifact is "up in the air." This is obviously treasonous activity. Go get 'em! Mission Objective K: SPAM, a perfectly acceptable meat alternative, must to be accelerated. We have had our experts in Research and Design working around the clock to get some fresh ideas as to how to do this. So far, they have come up with 1) A large Rocket 2) Explosives 3) The ever popular Trans-Dimensional Collapsatron. Your mission will be to test these methods, preserving the Computer's ever precious equipment. The mission will be perfectly safe and lots of fun for all of you. Hey! Pay Attention! Sigh. You weren't listening, were you... Swil-R-YOU-6... I'll give you one more chance or I'll turn you into a goon. Goodfa-I-RYY-1 Mission Objective %: This Mission Objective is code-named "Kumquat." You are in Taskforce "Weasel." You must take objective "T-Shirt." Deadline for completion of this mission is sometime in the near future. You, citizen, must turn in entries to Chaos-R-FSH-1 or Megan-O-HLM-1. Mission Objective 9: See Mission Objective 1. Mission Objective 10: There is something out there that we can only refer to as "Schlock." Contain within that word are billions of references to the great unholy insanities forever lingering in such a concept. You need only think about it. That is your mission. Mission Objective 11: Naturally, naval supremacy is a primary goal of Swarthmore Complex. Thus, we have been asked to enlist your help in Research and Designs unwavering dedication to controlling the high seas, the low c's and those really annoying grades about 83. Contact Design Engineer DaveP-R-GOB-1. Mission Objective 11: This mission objective is intrinsically related to preparing for mission SWILcon. In a great tactical triumph, the mission was completed without having to inform you of what this Objective actually was. So there, hah! Mission Objective 14: The following items are Treasonous: Non-Swil business. This is because you are, after all, on a mission for the love of Mom, home, apple pie and good-clean-wholesome fun. Falling under this category are the following items of treasonous activity: -A "Con" in Virginia. One should talk to Will-B-QLE-1 for more details. But this is treasonous activity, so you should execute yourself after you do so. -LARPing is treason. But if you gotta, talk to Fredd-Y-BSH-1. -Neelix and Kes Broke up. Execute Them. -B5 on Wednesdays. This information is subject to Past present temporal discontinuities. See other briefings for more information. -Xena is fun. But treason. This is not to say that all fun is treason. Quite the opposite in fact. Commie Mutant Traitor Scum! -Wild Palms. Contact Snibo-R-EOJ-1. Now. Call him. I don't care what time it is. Now means now, Citizen. When the Computer says "Jump" you say, "Permission to Execute?" This concludes your briefing citizen. Remember: if you are not happy, you may be used as reactor shielding. The following citizens attended the briefing on 2/22: At End Ants: Anna "C-<<<<=-<" Hess (It was a nice fish, but we ate it. -A) Kira "It's too hot!" Goetschius James "Erik is mine. He is all mine." Gill (Was there any doubt? -A) Fred "The quality of mercy is not strained rather it toreth a ligament" Bush Jeremy "Wild, wacky party life of the Future Drudge Society of America" Dilatush John "Star Wars rerelease virgin" Finkbiner (oooh, purity point! -A) Alastair "It's tattooed on the back of their necks" Thompson David ":-|" Phillips chaos "the eggplants are angry" golubitsky Otavia "asleep" Propper jere7my "Dear GOD, it's raining" Tho?rpe This line intentionally left blank... D'OH! Will "something" Quale "something else" Andrea "Restating the Importance" Hall Fred again. What a bad movie. Good Day, Citizen, Ab-O-RTT-1 Ret-R-YYY-1 Ign-O-REE-1 You still don't have your mittens, do you?