From jmrobins @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Thu Apr 24 01:40:26 1997 Date: Thu, 3 Apr 1997 02:34:03 -0500 (EST) From: Snibor Eoj To: "_swat.org.swil" <_swat.org.swil @ swarthmore.edu> Subject: SWILNews #7, or, How Much for Just the SWILNews? It had been a hard day. First the thrusters broke, then the main engine went offline, then I crashed onto this godforsaken planet in some place called Swarthmore. What a drag. I crawled out of my spacecraft, determined to fix it. I had pulled myself from the crashed remains of my spacecraft just in time. A bunch of guys in funny hats came crowding around it and began erecting an orange fence. I figured it must be some strange native purification ritual and walked away. That beast wouldn't help me get out of here anyway. As I was walking away, I turned around and noticed they'd already placed a sign naming my abandoned space craft. I squinted and read: K O H L B E R G H A L L What an odd name. Must mean "derelict spacecraft" in the native language, I reasoned. Suddenly a horde of natives appeared toting signs that read: "S top I nstalling G lass N ow!" And they were singing: "You were the newest thing Swarthmore could boast. But I don't care for art glass, honey, and that you now got. Since you got art glass now, That sundial don't matter, Won't you shatter that art glass, 'Cause I don't like looking at Kohlberg art glass! Looking at, looking at, looking at Kohlberg glass" ["Walking On Broken Glass" -- Annie Lennox] I was astounded. This odd ritual made no sense to me, but I was determined to press onwards to find a way off this planet. I went into the nearest building and watched through the half-open door as one, older native, lectured to some younger natives. They appeared to be practicing either their native form of communication or one very similar to it. They were all singing: "When I look 'round at what is there, Or cast my eyes, and sit and stare, I always whisper this small prayer: For every thing we give names to No matter what or where or who Has one thing in common too, It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a noun." ["It's a Sin" -- Pet Shop Boys] I did not understand a word of this -- it seemed to be a mnemonic of some sort, but I couldn't parse it completely so I stayed and continued listening. Soon they were done their song and continued on with their session. The older native appeared to be talking about a different subject now and, sure enough, eventually they all started singing again: "Oh, I'm an adjective and I'm okay, I'm sick and round and fried and grey. I'm oven fresh, I'm postage-paid, I'm pasturized and free. I'm anti-sesquipedalian, I'm soft and absentee." ["The Lumberjack Song" -- Monty Python] A very odd culture indeed. I gave up on these natives and went onto a grassy area to sit and observe. One young native was walking along looking quite unhappy, singing to itself, as if it try to cheer itself up: "Myrt shuffled her cards and gave out numbers to us all. The student read his mail, and gave a gasp, no room now! So she said: "Once there was a boy Who got quite a low number. To him it was a joy To choose to live off-campus. He thought of how his friends would come to see; Would they bring their work or all-night parties?" ["God Shuffled His Feet" -- Crash Test Dummies] As I didn't understand what this could possibly mean, I turned my attention to a fairly large group of the younger natives who were also walking around morosely. They appeared to be upset about something, although I was unable to discern precisely what it was. Then one of them began to sing and soon they all joined in: "What if God was one of us Just a student like one of us Just a Swarthmore guy like us, Trying to make the grade..." ["One of Us" -- Joan Osborne] As they are apparently "students" I will henceforth identify them as such. These "students" continued to sing until they spotted a group of the older natives. The minute the students saw the older natives they groaned and collapsed into heaps on the grass. The older natives chuckled and began to sing: "Groan if you want to, Groan about the grade, Groan if you want to, We don't care, we don't feel! Groan if you want to, We'll keep grades low with fanatic zeal!" ["Roam" -- B-52's] The students yelled "Go away, professors!" I shall assume then that the older natives are of a class called "professor". These professors chortled evilly, but eventually heeded the students' pleas and left. Then I was astounded to see a group of happy students! They were running and skipping across the lawn in great glee. They were all singing at the top of their voices: "I'm pass-fail! I'm pass-fail! No matter what I say or do here, I'm pass-fail! Though your papers are a-piling And your face is hardly smiling, I will tell you one more time that I have no work -- do you mind that? I'm pass-fail! Pass! Fail!" ["I Shall Scream" -- "Oliver"] The original students clearly DID mind because they immediately jumped upon this group of happy students and began to beat them severely. I was disturbed by this scene but, not wanting to interfere with native rituals I had no understanding of, I moved on. I went down a small hill and set of steps into a building with a large open area and a set of stairs leading upwards. As there was no one in the large room, I went up and found a group of students sitting together. They were discussing "ex-yams" -- something about "peace eye dentification". I had no clue what it meant. But then, as I had begun to expect, they started to sing: "There's Beethoven, Haydn, and Mozart, and Lizst. Tchaikovsky and Rimsky dash Korsakov too" But do you recall, The most famous composer of all: Johann Sebastian Bach Wrote too much for his own good..." ["Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" - trad.] I left quickly. Whoever this Bach character was, it sounded like he was about to get lynched. Leaving that building, I continued onwards. I walked into another building and found a room full of students singing: "Buy, buy, if you sell out they'll cry, Called my broker on the cel-phone, he said 'Buy low, sell high.' And the bulls and the bears were making tracks in the sky, singing, 'This'll be the day that you die,' 'This'll be the day that you die.'" ["American Pie" -- Don McLean] It sounded like a very long song, so I left and continued until I heard a loud chanting coming down the hall. Curious, I walked towards it until I was close enough to hear: "Profit, loss, profit, loss, Worship Satan, he's our boss! Maximize your profit and the Master will be pleased! Sacrifice your stock broker -- destroy your enemies! Buy, sell, buy, sell, Lucifer's the Lord of Hell!" It sounded very scary and I decided it was in my best interests to leave the vicinity. Quickly. Whoever they were, I wanted no part of it. I walked down the hall to a different area. There, I heard another chant, but it was remarkably different. The professor chanted: "Thymine, Guanine, Cytosine" And the students responded: "Adenine and Uracil" [The Monks' Chant -- "Monty Python's Holy Grail"] Despite the more harmless nature, however, I decided yet again that it was best to leave. Down the hall a bit further I heard actual music. I hurried my steps and came upon a lecture room of students singing: "Damn! I wish I was your acid I'd neutralize till daylight comes, Make sure you are harmless and dead. I am the acid! Tonight I'll be your acid I will Do such things to neutralize, Free your baseness, don't feel ashamed!" ["Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" -- Sophie B. Hawkins] As my translator gave many conflicting definitions of "base", I reluctantly resigned myself to the prospect of never understanding this particular song and moved on. I found a quieter bunch of students on the lawn under a tree. It appears that their teacher had just imparted a tremendously important piece of knowledge to them because they were sitting there silently. However, one of them lept to his feet and began to sing: "I don't think, so I can't be, I don't think, so I can't be, I don't think, so I can't be, So I'll just go away!" ["Jimmy Crack Corn" -- traditional] And then they all stood up and left! Although the professor sat down and began to cry quietly to himself, it made me somewhat happy to see the students get the better of the professor for once. I walked on until I found another group of students listening to a professor. This one began to sing in a very boring monotone (yes, you CAN sing in a monotone): "This is the story of Roman trading. But first we must talk about the Greeks..." ["The Brady Bunch Song" -- The Brady Bunch] It also seemed very long and boring, so I left. I walked into another building that was fairly tall and long. In the upper part of this building I found students with lots of paint throwing it around the room onto pieces of canvas. They were singing: "I am the very model of the modern art school miracle, My art creations varied and indeed are sometimes comical, I've studied with the greatest masters of the past historical, And I can list the great artwork in order categorical!" ["I Am the Very Model..." -- "The Pirates of Penzance"] I was sad to leave that place -- it seemed happy. I wandered over to a nearby building and heard, through an open window: "Transubstantiate, flesh of our God is great -- Transubstantiate, the blood is flowing... Communing with our God: eat pieces of his bod! Transubstantiate!" ["Let's Go Fly a Kite" -- "Mary Poppins"] Unfortunately my translator couldn't quite handle this word "transubstantiate," which was fairly long, or the much shorter word "bod" so I couldn't understand the song. I stood there for a little longer and soon they changed tunes. One group of students chanted: "Abimelech, Abimelech, Abimelech, Abimelech...." While a second group chimed in with: "Down in Canaan, the Promised Canaan, The giants sleep tonight." ["The Lion Sleeps Tonight ('Oweemoweh')" - R.E.M, etc.] This was even more confusing, so I gave up and left. I walked into a building with a big dome on it. At the top, there were strange hieroglyphs written on the wall. They read: <>!*''# ^"`$$- !*=@$_ %*<>~#4 &[]../ |{,,SYSTEM HALTED The students in the class then solemnly recited: Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH [written by Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese] This was too weird for even me, so I slipped out the back. As I continued to walk, I came across a fairly low building. I wandered into the left half of it and accidentally stepped into a very large lecture room full of students. It appeared to be an indoctrination session of some sort, as they were singing: "I got me a force, it pulls mighty strong, So hurry up and bring your atomic bonds! Physics is a natural science where we define reality -- Physics, baby! Physics, bay-bee! Physics, baby, that's where it's at! Ooo physics, baby, that's where it's at!" ["Love Shack" -- B-52's] Either indoctrination or an obscure mating ritual. To this day I'm still not sure which. Hoping to find some intelligent life in the other half of the building, I found my way into a small room which looked out over a field through a large plate glass window. A group of students were huddled together over some books singing quietly to themselves: "I saw the sine, and it opened up my mind I saw the sine -- Math is demanding without understanding I saw the sine, and it opened up my mind I saw the sine -- Now I'm gonna pass my test, And now I know which of the sides be long! Which of the sides be long!" ["The Sign" - Ace of Base] Reluctant of finding any sense up here, I decided to head for the hill I'd seen earlier. I went down it towards the most likely prospect: a building with a triangular roof which many students were pouring into. I entered it and saw that there were two lines of students shuffling slowly forwards. One line began to sing: "Stand in the line where you are, Take a step. Think about digestion, Wonder why you haven't before. Just stand in the Sharples line and, Another step. Think about digestion, Run and order Renato's instead." ["Stand" -- R.E.M] When they sung the last line, the darkness and hopelessness disappeared from their faces and they dashed away. The second line, however, continued where it was singing: "Is it worth the waiting for, If we're here 'til 2004 All we'll ever get is Sharples! Every day we say a prayer, Will they change the bill of fare? Still we get the same old Sharples!" There's not a crust, not a crumb can we find That they haven't done something bad to. But we come here each day, and we hope and we pray, And still we find the same stuff, Sharples! Food, horrible food, Cold pasta bar truffle. Make sure that you've chewed, Try "Breakfast Bar" shuffle. Lose all of your apetite, In this interlude. Oh food! Moldy food! Petrified food! Horrible food!" ["Food, Glorious Food" -- "Oliver"] I ignored all of them and went down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, in a small room off to the side, I FINALLY found a group of natives who neither sung nor chanted. Assuming what they WERE saying was important, I copied down every word: SWILBusiness: 3/22 T-shirts: we had two designs by Melissa. Joel wasn't there, and didn't give his designs to Joe so T-shirts are tabled until next week. Schlock: Catalogues were passed out. Possible movies are: -- Meteor -- The Crazies -- The Beast Must Die -- It Lives Again -- G. I. Sports Erik is sick. We hope he gets better Submit to BEM Walpurgisnacht: Will happen. Heather is in charge. Alice: is an Amazon Goddess Life Chess: April 19th, 2:00pm. It will be challenge chess. ALL the positions have been filled. Woo woo! SWILCon '98: Larry, Megan, and Megan are interested in being con directors, Joel and Will want to aid. They suggested a brainstorming session with ideas and fixes. Contact Joel if you are interested in being a con director. Metaphors: Jimmosk pointed out that there were only two metaphors in the entire meeting: -- "Jim's off the hook" -- "He's feeling blue" We promised to do better next week Non-SWILBusiness: Alice's party is tonight Jim told us an interesting story Story reading is Friday, March 28th, at 7:30pm The employee of the month is a piece of furniture Suggestion: Python-a-thon The 9th trillion digit of pi is 3 To make sure I had an accurate record of the proceedings, I made a list of who was there as accurately as I could: La Liste d'Attendance (22/3) chaos "no one expects the french revolution" golubitsky Dave "Drugs are good/bad/indifferent" Phillips Tim "My favorite color is octarine" Handley Jay "Isn't the future here YET?" Scott, the Impatient Jed "The future began yesterday" Hartman Jim "What's the CENTRAL metaphor?" Moskowitz Hannah "and the head of a fox" Schneider Lindsay "Nice place you got here" Herron Kira "Let's [fish] sing [bird] sleeping [snowflake]" Goetschius Anna "[mushroom] all [bug] the [earthworm] song" Hess Alice "Suffering from severe brain block" Unger Jim "Deja vu all over again" Moskowitz Larry "Defender of the Space Dingo" Miller Fred "and the infinite sadness" Busy Heather "I just misspelled my own name" Weidner Megan "That's okay, everyone misspells mine!" Hallam Megan "What would you do if you got stuck with some hideous hyphenated name?" Powell Jim "Infinite loop" Moskowitz Kendra "So then I had to teach Scottish but the only music we had was 'Let it Snow' and then there was ice everywhere..." Eshleman jere7my "2 bits 4 bits 6 bits a wallaby" tho?rpe God "The future WAS here" Zilla David "Drugs are good/badd/indifferent" Phillips II Dan Eisenbud One of them, identified as "Kim Gallup" sang: "I'm a little teapot short and stout..." But was shouted down. This was rather difficult, as she wasn't actually at the meeting. They then ended their meeting with one more song: "Swarthmore, you're breakin' my heart You're shakin' my confidence daily. Oh, Swarthmore, I'm down on my knees, I'm beggin' you please, let me pass! Let me pass!" ["Cecilia" - Simon and Garfunkel] I decided I liked these people. I think I may stay for a while. Harmonizingly yours, Abort, Retry, Ignore