From chaos @ condor.sccs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 19:32:28 1999 Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 16:11:26 -0500 (EST) From: chaos golubitsky To: _swat.org.swil @ cc.swarthmore.edu Subject: Now Playing -- SWILnews #6 (this SWILnews may not be suitable for all audiences) The scene: a sleepy little town called Swarthmore. There was singing and maggots. (And we don't mean the dance. -S) Our skeletal hero, Jack, needed to take a holiday. He had had enough of classes, and needed a vacation. (Join us next week for SWILnews #7 - The Search for Spring Break. -H) But first he needed a pizza. A hot, fresh pizza with pickled artichokes and marshmallows. So, he called up Donatello's, the new pizza place in the ville. No sooner had he hung up the phone, then the mysterious grate below Tarble opened up, and a pizza slipped out. Suddenly, a voice came from above. No, not God... Ratatosk, the squirrel of discord. "But Jack, why do you need a pizza?" the squirrel asked. "Well," Jack replied, "because i need a love interest. You know the old saying, 'When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie.' Well, i need to know what it feels like." Ratatosk had no time to ponder this, for suddenly the sky grew dark, and an object fell from the sky. It was a sponge. "Quick," a voice called from the sewer. "Get down here. You only have a few seconds before the infection begins." The pair escaped into the steam tunnels, only to find the pizza establishment of Donatello and Smee. A slow but steady stream of socks fell from a chute, which seemed to come from the approximate direction of the Parrish laundry room. Jack didn't ask. He didn't want to know. Quietly, Donatello explained their predicament, while rap music played deafeningly in the background. It seemed that Terry, the ancient enemy of the ninja turtles, had surfaced once again with a new plot, to turn all the econ majors on campus to evil. "What kind of evil?" Jack asked in terror. "They intend to infect the entire campus with a type of sponge gas that will turn them into scottish dancers. Thursday evening seminars will be devastated!" Our hero was sidetracked from the contemplation of this horror by a horrid screech from Smee's direction. "Oh no!" Smee wailed, "It's Barbarella! Back from the 41st century to kill us all!" "No, it isn't. It's just me. Calm down, or i'll blow you all away" Buffy said reassuringly, wielding a machine gun. "Anyway," Buffy said, "before i was so rudely interrupted, i was going to tell you all about the dire threat to this campus. Alien women disguised as specs are planning to attack and destroy our way of life." (We have lives? Sorry, had to say it. -H) The characters sat around looking perplexed for approximately 27 seconds. Then Jack had an idea. (Ever notice how these upstart new characters are always going around having ideas? -H) (It disturbs me. -S) "Why don't we ask Terry to make the scottish dancers attack the aliens? That'll solve both problems." And so it was done, and everyone was about to live happily ever after, when Thor burst into the sewer, pausing briefly to smash the stereo with his foe-hammer. The rap music stopped. "Okay, y'all... I just wanted to warn you about the dire threat to this campus. These weird-looking guys just took over, and are going to install a campus plan under which emotion is prohibited and we all have to shave our heads." Jack decided that it really was time for that vacation, and happily lived out the rest of his days in Bermuda. Due to Jack's sudden disappearance, there was not a strong leadership presence at the SWIL meeting, so we had to use Heather's notes. We apologize in advance for any potential difficulties stemming from the fact that Heather is very, very silly. When possible, we will attempt to add explanatory comments. SWILBusiness: Larry's passing the thing around. (The SWILCon schedule. Please sign up to help. Full staff are asked to work approximately 12 hours, but anything that you can do will be appreciated. Contact ldm @ sccs or mhallam1 @ sccs.) Meeting was called to disorder twice and chaos was banged against the table. (Not gonna ask. Just *not* gonna ask. -H) George keys. The combination for George is discussed. There were rye bagels. Speaking of t-shirts... give Ben designs. (You can also give designs to chaos, or e-mail slogan ideas to bnewman1 @ cc or chaos @ sccs.) Evil red dots are breeding. Anna tried to bite Jennifer. Larry and Melissa talked about SWILCon. Amy has prop stuff. We tried to break Amy. (And if you volunteer to be Miniprop, we'll do the same to you. -H) Ben was eating a pop tart. The lunch bag issue. (which will be taken care of before next meeting -G) (Help!!! -JimMosk) (If we all pretend to be alums and bring bag lunches... -S) Can you get paper cuts from a dollar bill? Eoj is responsible. (For...? -H) (Does it matter? -S) Who has catalogs for schlock? Let's move the schlock to George. Melissa knows every square inch of George. Woohoo! Screw is happening. (I think we should screw George and Cordwainer with each other. -S) BEM - submit to it. deadline is the middle of March art on unlined paper in ink anyone interested in doing op/ed? Challenge Chess - submit challenges. Eoj may not be here, so we need help. (We do need someone to run Challenge Chess - e-mail presidents @ swil.org if you're willing to do it.) Octavia Butler speaking at 8:00pm on Sunday & Monday morning at 10:00 in shower room. (We think she meant Scheuer room.) (We really, really hope she meant Scheuer room. -H) Kira has a steak. (and a stake, but who's counting. -H) Someone wants to run the SPAM event, we can tell... Come forward. (Is SPAM a vegetable? -S) Don't go to assemble easels. (Oh... i thought you said "resemble weasels" -S) (Easel assembly for SWILCon was on Saturday afternoon. We hope people did go.) Eoj has a piece of potato that fell into his eggs. (Are the potato and the eggs going to Screw together? -S) (Heather didn't mention this, but we're showing a SWIL movie tonight. It will be "The Phantom Tollbooth". You should all come.) Non-SWILBusiness: B5 @ 7:30 on Monday; first episode since something important happened. (As usual, it's at JimMosk apartment, Greylock 301.) Anna's making pots. Eoj forgot about his Twin Peaks showing, to be rescheduled after break. Eoj wants to game tonight. Anna and Jennifer are behaving in a very concerning manner. (Concerning to whom? -S) (*I'm* concerned. -H) (Are they concerned? -S) Buffy on Tuesday. (I'm traumatized. -G) Monday's movie is the Phantom Tollbooth. (This is SWILBusiness, so we mentioned it there too. Also, we'll be showing lots of other SWIL movies this semester -- for a recap of the movie list, see this week's title story.) Eoj needs a second. (A second what? -S) (I want to know what he did with the first one first. -H) (I want to know what he did with the first one second. I want to know why he needs the second one first. -S) No SWILCon meeting on Sunday. SWIL tries to sing opera. This is a _bad_ idea. Thanks to Jim for attempting to sing a SWILCon meeting. Kira is putting us out of our misery by ending the meeting at 12:53. Thank the good lord! Amen. List - 28 February: Anna "The daffodils are blooming!" Hess Jennifer "Anna made beautiful pots" Tyson Ben namweN Jim "'backwards' is 'souffle' spelled 'backwards'" Moskowitz Sarah "Wow, it's a multicolored pen!" Bergstrom Dave "Easel-meister" Phillips Larry "Not sleeping until after SWILCon" Miller Amy "When the moon *hits* your eye... like a freakin' *quarter*" Swift Melissa "Sleeping lots n lots..." Binde Heather "Mad Robin I at his command am come to watch the night sports there" Weidner Snibor "Ytinupmi htiw etal!" Eoj Jimmy "Where do we put the emergency entrance?" Kong Julie "huh" Kennedy Dan "Automated theorem proving - not!" Eisenbud ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ chaos golubitsky '00 "like frozen sentries of the serengeti, the century-old termite mounds had withstood all tests of time and foe - all tests, that is, except the one involving drunken aardvarks and a stolen wrecking ball." -gary larson