From chaos @ cs.swarthmore.edu Sat Jul 17 20:55:48 1999 Date: Thu, 25 Mar 1999 15:49:04 -0500 (EST) From: Chaos Golubitsky To: _swat.org.swil @ cc Subject: The Selling of the Duck: A Comedy in SWILNews #7 Acts act i: sharples room 4 (as usual, the room is in a state of disarray. three or four long tables should be strewn around the room, along with one heavy round table. silverware lines the cracks in the stone walls, napkins litter the tables, and the salt and pepper shakers are plotting mutiny on a chair well away from the door. the lights are off.) (dagger and amy' enter from stage right. they have just returned from budget committee, and are excited and pleased about their recent triumph over the forces of evil. (hmm. are any bc members on the swil list? -d) they chatter pleasantly while moving tables.) (over the next 15 minutes, most of the rest of the cast of characters trickles in. this part of the play may be abridged to prevent the audience from falling asleep. experiment with having characters enter the room in fast forward (especially if they talk at the same time -d), get into napkin fights, or other such techniques.) (at 12:04 precisely (not to be confused with 6:03 - that's a different play), cloak enters from stage left. the time may be indicated by a large clock or pinata above the table. it is not appropriate, however, for characters to attempt to hit the pinata at this stage of the narrative (or at any stage - this isn't spamageddon, people -d). cloak: sorry i'm late. i hope i never have to get up at 5am to collate a 260-page swapa again. and it's hot, and i had to climb five miles up the hill both ways to get to meeting on time, and traffic is awful, and (lapses into incoherent whining). (cloak exits stage northeast (for anyone who hasn't caught on yet, we're rotating the room -c) to get food.) lindsay: (radiantly) it certainly is a beautiful day out. jennifer: you are such a funky cornish game hen. anna: (confused) huh? jennifer: it's an old gaelic oath. it's actually spelled "dhfhunkeid hchornysh geimhd hemhn." robert: do you want to buy a cornish game hen? anna: is it funky? robert: of course it's funky, it's a cornish game hen. (at this point, cloak enters stage starboard, still muttering.) act ii: swilbusiness amy': hey, guess what! robert: what? ben: what? cloak: does it quack? amy': we don't have to resort to selling pterodactyl eggs on the black market. we have a budget. cloak: is there a duck subcode? dagger: yeah, it's under subcode pi, but the reclassification of pi as an irrational number caused a conflict with bc policy 17.1.4 of only awarding money under integer subcodes. amy': anyway, we got $50 for photocopying, $80 for supplies (yay, more cap guns! -c), $450 for bem, $480 for movies and speakers, and $30 for transportation. fred: can we use the swil budget to buy twinkies? amy': no, that's in the refreshments subcode, so we'd have to offer the twinkie to everyone on campus first. fred: okay, i'll just breathe on it first. (note: this conversation did actually happen. don't blame us for everything that goes on in swilnews; it's unfair.) ben: swilcon is this weekend. donna jo is going to be there and read from her new book "sirena", which is a retelling of the iliad from the point of view of the siren. sarah: wait a second; there weren't any sirens in the iliad; that's the odyssey. ben: that's what donna jo said. cloak: it's a retelling of the iliad from the point of view of the siren, who wasn't there. ben: here's the schedule of panels for swilcon. there's also a list of times when the dealer room and art show still need to be staffed. if enough people show up at any time, there can be gaming in the dealer/registration room. swilcon schedule: Friday, March 26th 6:00-7:15pm meet the guests 7:15-8:00pm reading by Donna Jo Napoli 8:00-8:45pm reading by Greg Frost 8:45pm-late open storyreading Saturday, March 27th 10:00-11:00am panel -- Speculative Fiction as a New Mythology 11:00am-12:00pm panel -- Science Fiction vs. Fantasy 12:00-1:00pm break for lunch 1:00-2:00pm panel -- The Short Story in Science Fiction 2:00-2:40pm reading by Gardner Dozois 2:40-3:20pm reading by Susan Casper 3:20-4:00pm reading by Judith Berman 4:00-5:00pm panel -- The Scientist in Science Fiction 5:00-6:00pm panel -- When Science Catches up with Science Fiction the hours remaining to be staffed are: Fri 7:15-8:00 (need two) Fri 8:00-8:45 Sat 10:00-11:00 Sat 1:00-3:20 Sat 3:20-4:00 (need two) Sat 5:00-6:00 (megan is post-apocalyptic.) (for some time, jimmosk and abigail have been inconspicuously playing checkers on a sharples tray with cucumber slices and cherry tomatoes. they should be increasingly obvious about this fact as the swilcon schedule draws to a close.) dagger: oh... my... god. cloak: schlock will happen one of these days. dagger: also known as "in may", in the conveniently designated hole in the movie schedule. abigail: we should show "plan 9 from outer space". fred: no, we show that as a real swil movie. cloak: we need projectionists. anyone want to be a projectionist? jimmosk: (singing) i am a cucumber king. chorus: he is a cucumber king. (yes, but that's not a projectionist, is it now? -d) jimmosk: and it is, it is a glorious thing, to be a... (jimmosk is hit soundly over the head by amy. the singing ceases.) sonia: the t-shirt submission deadline has passed. if you are going to submit a t-shirt design or slogan and have not done so, you need to tell me immediately (sonechka @ sccs), or i'll draw my own. jennifer: if anyone has a slogan idea, i'm willing to draw it. heather: i have lots of long prose for bem. cloak: is it purple? heather: of course it's purple, it's prose. jennifer: cool! all the prose belongs to me! dagger: cloak: hey! my thok stick! you can't do that! dagger: yes, i can. watch... (there is a slight delay in the meeting as a duel to the death between the presidents ensues. fortunately, swil has a fairly liberal definition of "duel to the death", so the meeting continues with two live presidents. (no one even falls off a flowerpot. -c)) heather: however, we are still accepting art, poetry, and short prose (1 page or less.) bem will come out the last week of april or first week of may. cloak: hey. people. vote for books. or we kill you. dagger: or rather, you have to deal with our taste in books. cloak: thanks, everyone who's voted already. the deadline is tomorrow (friday) at midnight. act iii: non-swilbusiness: (jim reads a story. in the original performance, a fairly bizarre short story was used, but anything not-too-long will suffice. improv is not encouraged. everyone listens intently.) jimmosk: and i have more where that came from. bwa ha ha. amy: come to story reading sunday at 7:30. cloak: and, since that already happened, come to story reading at swilcon tomorrow night. melissa: (offstage) someone please come rescue me! i'm trapped at the photocopy store, and it's 9pm, and i'm hungry. will: (offstage) jim, there's 46 people in swapa! she kenna take any more! fred: circling the square happens every sunday at 11. tune in on wsrn. i want to game. (the meeting is called to order, and swillies drift out of the room over the course of the next hour. eventually, the last group exits stage port (like rats fleeing a sinking sharples -c), turning off the lights. in the corner, the salt shakers begin to cackle softly.) cast of characters (aka the attendance list of "I'll see your two contra dances and raise you a ceilidh," otherwise known as the folk dance budget) - 20 March 1999: Jennifer "Lindsay is a funky Cornish game hen" Tyson Anna "It's all about moss" Hess Peter "---" Ma Ben "Aaack! SWILCon" Newman Robert "forest-herder" McFarland (can't see the forest for the cows? -c) Rebecca "I'm back" Jones Fred "and Genoa controls the Mediterranean" Bush Jay "some of my best friends are tribrachidiids" Scott Megan "my cat is no longer my cat, so please don't return her to me if you find her again..." Hallam Lindsay "still underqualified but might have a future now (and NOT as a funky Cornish game hen" Herron (hey, i think funky cornish game hens have a bright and shining future. -d) Rebecca "I love cleaning up after drunken debaters" Paul Arcadia "Apkagu~a" Falcone (ascii! ascii! ascii! not russian, ascii! is this so difficult? -c) (wait, you mean ascii isn't russian? damn. -d) (also not hebrew, also not fish font, also not infinite recursion. ascii is not many things. -c) Sarah "the Iliad retold from the point of view of a small rodent" Bergstrom Dave "sucking your brain out through a straw" Phillips (umm, how do i get off this mailing list? -c) Amy' "I propose one contra, one ceilidh, and a ball" Marinello Abigail "Me and my Cherry Tomatoes will decimate Jim and his puny cucumber knights!" Friedman Jim "I was there at the dawn of the 3rd age of Swapakind" Moskowitz Amy "about to bop the cucumber king over the head if he's still singing" Swift Sonia "in the midst of great food angst" Mariano Amy' "Two short sigs this week!" Marinello Abigail "back again!" Friedman (smileys are also not ascii characters. we just thought you'd like to know. -c) Jim "'Let's do the time warp again,' again" Moskowitz Amy "repeat" Swift Jimamy "Let'samy doamy theamy timeamy warpamy againamy, againamy. repeatamy" Koang Hannah "Sdrawkcab eman tsrif ym lleps did yllaer I" Ffokar Jessica "42 and counting" Harbour Amy' "Rats are cool" Marinello Abigail "Mice are 3 () times cooler." Friedman Amy' "Rats are 7.4 times sleeker" Marinello Abigail "Mice are 12.36957 times smarter" Friedman Amy' "Rats are 16.01019 times stronger" Marinello Abigail "Mice occpy at least pi^e times more dimensions. So there." Friedman -Cloak and Dagger