Oh, give me a clone of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to an X
And when she is grown, my very own clone
Will be of the opposite sex.
Chorus: Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to an X
And when we're alone, since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
[Another version]
Oh, give me a clone of my own flesh and bone
With an X chromosome changed to a Y
And when he is grown, my very own clone
Will be, of course, my kind of guy.
Chorus: Clone, clone of my own,
With a Y chromosome 'stead of an X
And when we're alone, since his mind is my own,
He'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
When I was a young man, and very well thought of.
I couldn't ask aught that the ladies denied.
I nibbled their hearts like a handful of raisins,
And I never spoke love but I knew that I lied.
But I said to myself,"Ah, they none of them know
The secret I shelter and savor and save.
I wait for the one who will see through my seeming,
And I'll know when I love by the way I behave."
The years drifted over like clouds in the heavens;
The ladies went by me like snow on the wind.
I charmed and I cheated, deceived and dissembled,
And I sinned, and I sinned, and I sinned, and I sinned.
But I said to myself, "Ah, they none of them see
There's a part of me pure as the whisk of a wave.
My lady is late, but she'll find I've been faithful,
And I'll know when I love by the way I behave."
At last came a lady both knowing and tender,
Saying, "You're not at all what they take you to be."
I betrayed her before she had quite finished speaking,
And she swallowed cold poison and jumped in the sea.
And I say to myself, when there's time for a word,
As I gracefully grow more debauched and depraved,
"Ah, love may be strong but a habit is stronger,
And I know that I loved by the way I behaved."
King George, he had a date The Queen, she had a date He was out very late, She was out very late, He was the King. She was the Queen. Queen Mary paced the floor, The King he paced the floor, King George came in at four, The Queen came in at four, She met him at the door-- He met her at the door-- God save the King! God save the Queen!
Little earthquakes on the hillside,
Little earthquakes shake the ticky-tacky,
And they all fall down sideways
And they all look just the same.
There's a flat one and a smashed one
And a broken one and a crumpled one,
And they all fell down sideways
And they all look just the same.
Little earthquakes hit the seismograph
And they make it go all ticky-tacky,
And geologists shake their shaggy heads,
But they count them just the same.
There's a big one and a little one
And a great big bunch of inbetweens
And they all shook up the ticky-tacky
And they all work just the same.
At the newspapers they are gleeful
As reports come on the ticky-tacky,
And they write up all the stories,
And they all read just the same:
Little earthquakes on the hillside
Have big numbers on the Richter Scale,
And they all shake up the ticky-tacky
And they all work just the same.
Little filkers sing of Dorsai
And they play tunes on their ticky-tackys,
And an earthquake shakes the filk-hold
As the Chemist's Drink goes BOOM!! {pause for effect}
There is silence in the room now
As they marvel at their efficiency,
And they all decide they should not sing
About black holes anymore.
Chorus: Murphy, oh Murphy,
Everything's sure to go wrong, go wrong;
Murphy, oh Murphy,
Why do things always go wrong?
(Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.)
The laws that we heard of from Murphy,
He proclaimed in a voice high and shrill;
If it's physically able to go wrong,
Then by God it certainly will!
{chorus}
(Sturgeon's Law: 90%% of everything is shit.)
Illustrious Sturgeon did tell us
One evening with great verve and wit:
The books that we read can be awful,
And ninety percent are just shit!
{chorus}
(Hartley's second law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.)
What Hartley first said is forgotten,
But his Second Law certainly states:
If crazy is what they all call you,
Don't sleep with a crazier mate.
{chorus}
(Kare's rule of Conventions: Strange bedfellows are better than no bedfellows at all.)
While Hartley may have had good reason,
Said Kare late at night in the fall,
Strange partners in bed at conventions
Are better than no one at all!
{chorus}
(Harvard Law: under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.)
The pressure's controlled well at Harvard,
Humidity, temperature, too;
The creature still does as it pleases.
So what's the researcher to do?(by Ctein)
{chorus}
(Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage)
Cole's Law is well known and famous,
But we never obey it at all;
Yet for this you really can't blame us.
It's thinly sliced cabbage -- that's all. (by Jordin Kare)
{chorus}
(Ctein's Law: The length of rehearsal time is directly proportional to
the offness of the last (and lingering) note.)
This song may be played on piano,
On sousaphone, banjo, and harp;
But practice it all that you want to,
That last note will still come out sharp. (by Ctein)
{chorus}
You're all alone and drifting in space
Without a suit or helmet.
The vacuum makes your sinus explode;
POP! goes an eardrum.
Was testing out the battery cells,
The airlock gave no warning.
I'm now depressurizing in space;
POP! goes an eadrum.
I am the very model of a bloody bawdy villain
I'm a master of the subtle arts of treachery and killin'
I saw absolutely nothing wrong in poisoning my brother
And I'm very much attached to little Hamlet's lovely mother
Debauchery's delightful and chicanery's adorable
While honesty and loyalty and truth I find deplorable
The fact that there are crimes I've not committed yet is horrible!
(stuck for a rhyme, he considers possibilities:
"Floorable... gorable... ah, I have it!)
But what care I, so long as wenches wink and wine is pourable?
I come highly recommended as a talented deflowerer
If glowering is wanted, I'm a very gifted glowerer
When new sins are invented you will find me more than willin'
For I am the very model of a bloody bawdy villain!
Giant green monsters that visit from Mars,
Vegetable creatures that come from the stars,
A hand, disembodied, that from a box springs;
These are a few of my favorite things.
Mummies in gift shops and monsters in attics,
Creatures that prey upon teenage romantics,
Loud bumps in the night and big lizards with wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
Bridge: When the wind moans,
When the wolves howl,
When I want to rave,
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so brave!
Ghoulies and ghosties and bright purple demons,
Two-headed monsters and middle-aged lemans,
Hungry grave robbers and vampires with wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
Bridge: When the sun kills
What the moon brings--
Things you cannot kill,
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I run like hell!
I would be a real magician
When it comes to nucl'ar fission
Make all reactions chain;
I would have atomic power
By the kilowatt-hour
If I only had a brain!
I would love in five dimensions
And forget ancestral tensions
My heritage imparts;
Folks would not be so queasy
About a pilot who's Chinesy
If I only had a heart.
I would be downright courageous
With foemen who enrage us
From BEMs I would not swerve.
I'd confront Bandersnatchi
With a tune that was catchy
If I only had the nerve
Bridge: Oh, I could tell you why
There are stars exploding near the core.
I could love the way I've never loved before.
And I could give a kingly roar...meow!
And we would not be forgotten
By fans who think we're rotten
And remember us with rue:
For we're on our way to Stringworld,
And we just might learn to sing, world!
If our dreams could all come true.
I have often walked down this street before
But the pavement never quaked beneath my feet before
Then abruptly I'm shoulder-deep in slime
Now that I'm in the bog where you lurk.
Are there hungry trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a bat in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour
Out of every sewer?
No, it's just in the bog where you lurk.
Bridge: And oh, the cowering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near;
That mind-devouring feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear!
People stop and stare, I don't really mind
For it's very nice down here and I am quite resigned
Let the eons fly
I don't care, if I
Can be here in the bog where you lurk.
A grazing mace, how sweet the sound
That flattens a wretch like thee.
Whose head's now flat
That once was round;
Done in by my mace and me.
A grazing mace, how sweet the sound
That smites a foe like thee.
You're lying there
Upon the ground.
You've left the field to me.
Oh, I come from Scandinavia
With my helm upon my head,
And I won't be going home again
'Til all of you are dead.
Chorus: I'm a Viking,
For that's the thing to be;
There's no greater joy than fighting
For a berserker like me.
Oh, we had a raid the other night
When everything was still.
We waited until moonrise and
Came shrieking down the hill.
The blood was pouring down the streets,
The women ran and screamed;
It was better fun than anyone
Could possibly have dreamed. CHORUS
The loot we loaded on the ships
Was too great to be told.
The slaves we towed behind on rafts;
For ballast we had gold.
We took home herds of cows and pigs,
We took home chests of jewels;
Why should we work when we can loot
From futile, puny fools? CHORUS
Oh, we're hairy-chested fighters
And we have no time for games.
What we don't take back home with us
We'll leave behind in flames.
And if you see a Viking ship
There's nothing you can do
Just kiss your wife and cross yourself
And bid the world adieu. CHORUS
Hear a cry, hear a yell,
Hear a bleat off in the distance
'Cause he's on the way; he's Supersheep:
He'll right the wrongs and keep the meadow safe....
With a leap and a scurry and a bleat, bleat, bleat,
He's off on his hooves, that's Supersheep;
Saving lambs and ewes in your county seat.
Give a yell for Supersheep!
He runs so fast he can't be seen,
He's warm and soft and never mean,
The grass he eats is oh so green,
He churns in stomach, gut, and spleen.
He was raised by the sheepgod Mouton to
Fight for the sheep.
With a glimpse of fleece at nighttime
The townsfolk can sleep.
He'll never try to make a buck,
He thinks the lambchop eaters suck,
He's full of daring, skill, and pluck:
Give a yell for Supersheep!
Baaaaaaaa!
Gloria you've done so much for us,
With a pair of undersized Levi's.
For now your name has gained new fame,
Before our very eyes.
Gloria can't you see what you have done.
Look in your looking glass.
Female fools all look so cool,
In the jeans that hug their ass.
It fails me to see how we can be so deceived,
By such an ugly bag.
But with the prices such it just costs too much
To do the Gloria Vanderbuilt Rag,
I'm talking 'bout the Gloria Vanderbuilt Rag.
(Chorus)
Well, you put your money out
You suck your stomach in and
You spread your legs.
Do the pelvic thrust.
Act like a slut
And do the Gloria Vanderbuilt Rag.
I'm talking 'bout the Gloria Vanderbuilt Rag.
Well Levi Strauss, the dear ole louse,
Is prob'ly rollin' in his grave.
'Cause Gloria dear, you caused him fear,
You made his jeans your slave.
And all the folk living in Brittania,
Well, they're doin' something wrong.
They're in the Gap havin' fun, but there's not even one
Doin' the Gloria Vanderbuilt Rag.
I'm talkin' 'bout the Gloria Vanderbuilt Rag.
(Repeat Chorus)
We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band.
On the right side of Temp'rance we do take our stand.
We don't use tobacco because we do think
That the people who use it are likely to drink.
Chorus: Away, away with rum, by gum;
With rum, by gum; with rum, by gum.
Away, away with rum, by gum.
That's the song of the Temperance Union.
We never drink tea, for they mix it with wine. (Teton tea: 1/3 port)
And one little drink turns a man to a swine.
Can you imagine a sorrier plight
Than a man drinking tea and singing all night? CHORUS
We never drink water, they mix it with gin,
Just one little sip and a man starts to grin.
Can you imagine a sillier clunk
Than a man drinking water until he's geshtunk? CHORUS (RE)
We never eat fruitcake because it has rum
And one little bite puts a man on the bum.
Can you imagine a sorrier sight
Than a man eating fruitcake until he gets tight?CHORUS (RE)
The man who eats fruitcake leads a horrible life,
He's mean to his children and he beats up his wife.
The man who eats fruitcake dies a terrible death
With the odor of raisins and rum on his breath. CHORUS
We never eat cookies, they make them with yeast,
And one little bite turns a man to a beast.
Can you imagine a sadder disgrace
Than a man in the gutter with crumbs on his face? CHORUS (RE)
We never touch coffee, it makes our eyes gleam
At least when they add Irish whiskey and cream.
Can you imagine a fate more unkind
Than slugging down coffee and getting stone blind? CHORUS (RE)
We never give backrubs, we think it a crime,
And lower and lower you'll sink every time.
An alcohol backrub's a terrible sin,
Just think of the liquor absorbed through the skin.CHORUS (PS)
Beware of plum pudding, the kind that they light.
They drench it with brandy so it will ignite.
The thought is revolting to temperate folk,
For people go blotto inhaling the smoke. CHORUS
We never eat jelly, they mix it with wine
And one little bite turns a man to a swine.
Can't you envision, in hell he will roast,
That teenager drunk on his jelly and toast. CHORUS (PS)
We never drink Pepsi, it's made with cocaine
And you might just as well shoot it straight in your vein.
Can you imagine a sorrier bind
Than rotting your teeth while you're messing your mind? CHORUS (PS)
Shun girls who are witty and pretty and kind.
There's nothing like love for corrupting your mind.
At least, in our circle, it just isn't done.
Our kids are adopted--we never have fun! CHORUS (RE)
We never sing filksongs, they're evil and lewd.
They celebrate sin and their language is crude.
Their language is shocking, their politics vile
And their grammar and rhetoric ain't got no style! CHORUS (RE)
So drinking and eating and loving, you see,
Are bound to destroy spi-ri-TU-al-i-tee!
Our tastes are austere and our virtue is sure,
We don't have much fun, but by golly, we're pure! CHORUS (RE)
We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band.
On the right side of Temperance we do take our stand.
We masturbate daily because we do think
That once you start screwing you're likely to drink! CHORUS (JL)
Music: Battle Hymn of the Republic (or, if you're feeling
adventurous, try singing it to Beethoven's Ninth!)
Lyrics: Lewis Carroll
"Will you walk a little faster?" said a whiting to a snail.
"There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance
They are waitng on the shingle - will you come and join the dance?"
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you ( 3X )
Oh, won't you join the dance?
"You can really have no notion how delightful it can be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!"
But the snail cried out, "Too far! Too far!" and gave a look askance
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not. ( 3X )
He would not join the dance.
"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.
"There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from England, the nearer is to France
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, and come and join the dance."
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you ( 3X )
Oh, won't you join the dance?
The Lord gave us hands and feet, tongues, eyes and ears,
To use for life's purposes throughout our years.
But some people insist on throwing these things away,
Thinking they can do better with ESP and TK!
CHORUS: Don't ever trust a psi, hi, hi,
A psi, hi, hi, a psi, hi, hi.
Don't ever trust a psi, hi, hi.
That's the song of the United Normals.
A psi is quite different from you and from me.
They say that his brain operates on AC.
Though he has five senses, he won't give them a try;
Show me shriveled eardrums and I'll show you a psi! CHORUS
Don't call him a gremlin, don't call him a witch,
For if you insult him he won't gripe or bitch,
But he'll give you a nightmare or he'll give you a cold,
And you will be sorry that you were so bold. CHORUS
The doctors and dentists are all going broke,
They've really got problems, and that is no joke.
Their psi competition may be deaf, dumb, and blind,
But still able to operate on body and mind! CHORUS
When you've got on a TV or radio show
And the music is static or the picture is snow,
It isn't your set's fault, so to fix it don't try;
It's just that you're pulling in K P S I! CHORUS
CHORUS: Give me that real old time religion,
Give me that real old time religion,
Give me that real old time religion,
It's good enough for me.
We will have a mighty orgy
In the honor of Astarte
It will be one helluva party
And it's good enough for me. CHORUS
We will all be saved by Mithras
We will all be saved by Mithras
Slay the bull and play the zithras
On that resurrection day. CHORUS
We will all see Aphrodite
Though she's pretty wild and flighty
She will meet us in her nightie
And she's good enough for me. CHORUS
It was good enough for Loki
It was good enough for Loki
He thinks Thor's a little hokey
And he's good enough for me. CHORUS
We will all go to Nirvana
We will all go to Nirvana
Make a left turn at Savannah
And we'll see the Promised Land. CHORUS
It was good for old Jehovah
He had a son who was a nova
Hey there, Mithras move on ova'
A new resurrection day. CHORUS
I hear Valkyries a-coming
In the air their song is coming
They forgot the words--they're humming
But they're good enough for me. CHORUS
We will read from the Caballah
We will read from the Caballah
It won't get you in Valhalla
But it's good enough for me. CHORUS
My kingdom lies under the ocean,
My kingdom lies under the sea.
My kingdom lies under the ocean,
O, bring back Atlantis to me!
CHORUS: Bring back, bring back, O bring back Atlantis to me, to me
Bring back, bring back, O bring back Atlantis to me.
Up north was an active volcano,
So we dug a trench to the sea.
We thought it would put out the furnace.
O bring back Atlantis to me! CHORUS
We thought we could deal with volcanoes
To make them behave peacefully.
But we couldn't find any virgins.
O bring back Atlantis to me! CHORUS
We thought we'd have nuclear power
But Luddites would not let it be.
So we had to go geothermal.
O bring back Atlantis to me! CHORUS
The Royal Astrologer told us
The planets shone propitiously.
Then Jupiter entered the virgin.
O bring back Atlantis to me! CHORUS
The scholars of old gave assurance
That we'd never drown in the sea.
They now say we never existed!
O bring back Atlantis to me! CHORUS
But now we have hope for the future.
The science of geolo-gee
Declares that the continents wander.
O bring back Atlantis to me! CHORUS
America drifts west from Europe
And so, in the depths of the sea,
A ridge rises up to the surface.
O bring back Atlantis to me! CHORUS
So if I can live till the end of
The million-and-first century
I then can return to Atlantis,
Or it will return unto me! CHORUS
Oh, hail brings thee, blithe fallout, and also sleet, I swear.
There's some of you in every single cubic foot of air.
You're ubiquitous, omnipresent, and also everywhere,
You hot, black dust in the sky.
CHORUS: Cancer, brain rot, and mutations, (3 times)
From that hot, black dust in the sky.
We're producing mutant babies by the dozen and the score.
Instead of having one head, they have two or three or more.
From our measly two sexes we are now developing four,
'Cause of that hot, black dust in the sky. CHORUS
Now, the alpha, beta, gamma rays are zipping through our brains.
We are lucky, for as yet we don't feel any pains.
But pretty soon you're going to derail our thoughtful trains,
You hot, black dust in the sky. CHORUS
We find you in our milk and cheese, and much to our regrets
We even find you hiding in our cancerous cigarettes.
But you're looked upon in favor with our rugged, dear AmVets,
You hot, black dust in the sky. CHORUS
Oh little bomb, who'll drop thee, when his country's had enough?
Who'll fill the air with more of your radioactive stuff?
But even if nobody calls your mighty nuclear bluff,
Your strontium 90's enough. CHORUS
My father makes book on the corner.
My mother makes second-hand gin.
My sister makes love for a dollar.
My God, how the money rolls in!
CHORUS: Rolls in, rolls in,
My God, how the money rolls in, rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in.
My grandma makes pink prophylactics.
She punches the end with a pin.
My grandpa gets rich from abortions.
My God, how the money rolls in. CHORUS
My brother's a poor missionary.
He saves gorgeous women from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for five dollars.
My God, how the money rolls in. CHORUS
My mother asks home politicians
To play in a night full of sin.
My father pops in with a camera.
My God, how the money rolls in. CHORUS
CHORUS: Oh, my darling, oh my darling,
Oh, my darling Clementine,
Parts of you are gone forever;
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.
Oh her teeth were big as tombstones and her nose was platyrrhine.
Mighty spacious and prognathous were the jaws of Clementine.
CHORUS
Drove she mammoths to the water every morning just at nine.
Stubbed her toe upon an Ester, fell into the foaming brine.
CHORUS
On a highway with a scraper planing bumbs raised by the rime,
Up they brought her, Asia's daughter, Pleistonic Clementine.
CHORUS
Scratch the disks, dump the core,
Roll the tapes across the floor,
And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits,
Give the scope some nasty hits,
And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found
When you turn the power down,
You turn the disk readers into trash.
Oh, it's so much fun.
Now the CPU won't run
And the system is going to crash.
Shut it down, pull the plug,
Give the core an extra tug,
And the system is going to crash.
Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash.
Just flip one switch
And the lights will cease to twitch
And the tape drives will crumble in a flash.
When the CPU
Can print nothing out but "foo",
then the system is going to crash.
It's a world of Penny's, a world of Sears.
It's a world of clothes and of piercing ears.
There's so much you can buy,
So much food you can try,
It's a mall world after all.
It's a mall world after all.
It's a mall world after all.
It's a mall world after all.
It's a mall, mall world.
Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
And the three-body problem is solved,
Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K
And the cold virus never evolved.
CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
Where the space debris always collects.
We possess, so it seems, two of man's greatest dreams:
Solar power and zero-gee sex.
We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
And a kilogram weighs half a pound. CHORUS
You don't need no oil, nor a tokamak coil,
Solar stations provide Earth with juice.
Power beams are sublime, so nobody will mind
If we cook an occasional goose.
INTERLUDE (to Oh, What A Beautiful Morning)
All the cattle are standing like statues.
All the cattle are standing like statues.
They smell of roast beef every time I ride by,
And the hawks and the falcons are dropping like flies...
I've been feeling quite blue since the crystals I grew
Became too big to fit through the door.
But from slices I sold, Hewlett-Packard, I'm told,
Made a chip that was seven foot four. CHORUS
If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch,
When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart
If we just find a big enough wrench. CHORUS
I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space
And living up here is a bore.
Tell the shiggies "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodby,
'Cause I'm moving next week to L4!
Original Version Revised Version Robert Osband, c.1974 Jay Scott, April 1985 This machine, it played one. This machine, it played one. It pushed start and program run. It pushed Start and Program Run. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played two. This machine, it played two. Overloaded voltage to the CPU. Redesigned its CPU. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played three. This machine, it played three. Designed its memory to 1 IC. Asked for books on how to see. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played four. This machine, it played four. Changed its logic from AND to OR. Tried to start a people store. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played five. This machine, it played five. Memorized data from tape drive. Tapped the National Archive. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played six. This machine, it played six. Told the CE what to fix. Told the CE what to fix. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played seven. This machine, it played seven. Printed out the road to Heaven. Printed out the road to Heaven. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played eight. This machine, it played eight. Shipped itself to Rome, Air Freight. Shipped itself to Rome, Air Freight. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played nine. This machine, it played nine. Told the Pope it was divine. Told the Pope it was divine. It's an IBM 360/85; It's a VAX 11/785; This computer came alive. This computer came alive. This machine, it played ten. This machine, it played ten. To sing once more push start again. Push Program Run to sing again. It's an IBM 360/85; I'm a VAX 11/785; We computers are alive. We computers are alive.
You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead.
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed.
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just boot it, just boot it.
Better think fast, better do what you can;
Read the manual or call your system man.
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
So boot it.
Get the system manager to
Boot it, boot it
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.
Boot it, boot it.
Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost;
CP/M, UNIX, or MS/DOS,
Just boot it, boot it, boot it, boot it...
You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your job's at the head of the queue;
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do.
Boot it.
You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes, man, you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes; they're only human, you know.
So boot it.
Call the local guru to
Boot it, boot it,
Go ahead, re-institute it.
If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do itself.
Boot it, boot it,
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.
Boot it, boot it, boot it, boot it...
(repeat until next crash.)
In the morning,
Laughing happy fishheads.
In the evening,
Floating in the soup.
Fishheads, fishheads,
Roly-poly fishheads,
Fishheads, fishheads,
Eat them up, yum!
Ask a fishhead
Anything you want to.
It won't answer,
They can't talk.
(Chorus)
Took a fishhead
Out to see a movie.
Didn't have to pay to
Get it in.
(Chorus)
They don't play baseball,
They're not good dancers,
They can't wear sweaters,
They don't play drums.
(Chorus)
Roly-poly fishheads
Are never seen drinking
Cappucino in Italian restaurants
With Oriental women
Yeah.
(Chorus)
Never set the cat on fire, you only will annoy it.
The flames will make the beast perspire; it surely won't enjoy it.
Likewise do not ignite the dog, the snake, the gerbil, or the frog;
[note: above first word is 'likeWISE' to scan right]
No, never set the cat on fire.
CHORUS: And mind your manners, as circumstances may require.
And never set the cat on fire.
Don't open up the cabin hatch; the air is sure to leave it.
And air is very hard to catch; you never will retrieve it.
And even though your life's a bore, don't open the reactor door;
Don't open up the cabin hatch.
CHORUS
Don't change the navigator's data, someone's sure to see ya.
You know the captain's view of that, a very bad idea.
He doesn't want his ship to race forever lost in endless space;
Don't change the navigator's data.
CHORUS
Don't start an interstellar war; it has no helpful uses.
When someone asks you 'what's it for?', you'll only make excuses.
If thirty trillion folks get hurt, you'll go to bed with No Dessert!
Don't start an interstellar war.
CHORUS
(repeat CHORUS once)
The spears are set;
You take no heed.
You're charging at
Your fastest speed.
Your heart beats -
Your teeth grind -
Another blow
"The field is mine,"
A one track mind.
A wedge you lead.
A bigger halberd
Is all you need.
An enemy
You know not who;
Your mind beserks
Knows what to do.
Oh you like to think that you're repelled by the stuff
Oh yeah
Closer to the truth is that you can't get enough
You know you're going to have to face it you're addicted to blood
You might as well face it you're addicted to blood
Ten times my size; and looking for food
The reactor at chernobyl produced me from a lizard's brood.
Base human pity's not something i feel
I find the nearest city, go in search of an easy meal.
I break a window - It's late in the night
The people in apartment - I give them a bit of fright
They scream and back off - they head for the door.
I'm on a diet (so) I only eat four.
Now don't you tell anybody that I'm growing fast
If they find out, You know that they'll never let it last
Cos it's no fun, being a rampaging alien
It's no fun, being a rampaging alien
Police were called in, took a shot at my back;
I slipped down the metro and I quickly erased my track.
Rush hour was starting - I got lost in the mess.
One person didn't like me. So? She's wearing a garish dress.
Now don't you warn anybody, least not around here,
Cos it's no fun, being a rampaging alien
(So) I leave the city, the fast lane's not for me -
Find me a resort town, a crowded place by the sea.
Go down to beaches - there upon the sand
Every meal comes easy - you just reach out you hand.
Call out the swat team - try to hunt me down
So I've eaten a few people - is that such a surprise?
But it doesn't matter if I live or die -
For I have laid my eggs now - in two month's time they'll be outside.
So go and tell anybody - won't make me annoyed
If they find out, it'll only make them paranoid
Cos It's such fun being a rampaging alien
It's such fun being a rampaging alien
You can never know what its like
To sit in vaccuum where it's cold as ice.
I need another host and i've got to choose
But there's a thousand volts of charge
In those steel prods you use.
But if you thought that shock would do me in
Well look at me, i'm a-comeing back again;
You gave me blasts of fire, but i'm going to win
'Cause when you look and see that i'm still standing
you'll just fade away.
Don't you know
I'm still standing
Better than I ever did.
Armored like a tank battalion -
Blood is like a strong acid.
I'm still standing after all this time -
Laying all my eggs in holds to generate more of my kind
I'm still standing! Ya Ya Ya
I'm still standing! Ya Ya Ya
And if you thought that you'ld give me the slip -
Don't detonate - i'm coming on your ship.
Explosive blast just to cut me down -
But since you're vaccuum isn't working
Who is the clown right now?
You know
I'm still standing
Better than I ever did.
Armored like a tank battalion -
Blood is like a strong acid.
I'm still standing after all this time -
Laying all my eggs in holds to generate more of my kind.
I'm still standing! Ya Ya Ya
I'm still standing! Ya Ya Ya
I'm still standing! Ya Ya Ya
I'm still standing! Ya Ya Ya
Asked the girl what she wanted to be.
She said baby, can't you see
I want to be police, star of the beat,
Then I can take bribes while on the street.
Baby you can grease my palm -
Don't want me to spread alarm -
Baby you can grease my palm -
Or baby I'll book you.
John and Mike, they broke it to stay alive -
Baby you can slip me five -
Or baby I'll nail you.
John he knew that his racket was good.
He said baby, we do what we should.
But as he counted money unclean.
Guess who showed up on the scene.
(And she said) Baby you can give a cut -
To make sure my mouth is shut -
Baby you can give a cut -
Or baby I've caught you.
John he knew that life was OK -
His latest thieving was going his way.
He had a meeting with five other hoods;
She came to make it understood
(That) Baby you can split your share -
Less you want to take my dare -
Baby you can split your share -
Or baby I'll sink you.
The fuzz arrived, looking mighty and mean;
Went for a building they had earlier seen.
The cops surrounded - they had guessed right.
She gave him the keys to her black and white.
(And she said) Baby you can drive my car -
Guess we gotta go quite far -
Baby you can drive my car -
And baby I love you.
She is always changing her ID -
Always trying to spread the same disease.
She's a carrier but she is free -
Now ain't that too damn bad!
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love.
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love.
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love.
Now ain't that too damn bad!
Head and shoulders she's above her peers.
Always freindly to her overseers.
She ain't missed a day of work in years -
Now ain't that too damn bad!
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love.
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love.
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love -
Now ain't that too damn bad!
When she gets to work her benchmate cowers.
People dying as she clocks her hours.
Undertaker's guild still sends her flowers -
Now ain't that too damn bad!
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love.
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love.
Typhoid Mary is the girl I love -
Now ain't that too damn bad!
Here comes the rain again
Eating all the leaves like a travesty
Killing all the fish stopping all the motion
(oo yeah, oo yeah)
I want to drive on a tarmac field
Want to pollute like smokestacks do
Want to dump waste in the ocean
'Till it's no longer blue ...
Legality, dark ages style
Music "To Life!" From Fiddler on the Roof
For life, for life, a debtor
Imprisoned by nobles for life.
It gives to someone who cannot pay
Somplace to rot away.
Sit in dungeon for life!
In memory of a situation hopefully never to be repeated.
What would you think if I told you your soul
Could be basking by God next to me?
Lend me your ears and I'll tell you a tale
And it's my martyring fantasy.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my freinds.
Mm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my freinds.
Oo, I take lye with a little help from my freinds.
Do you need anybody?
In final rest to be laid.
Could it be anybody?
I just gave them some Kool-aid.
Do you believe that there's life after death?
Yes I'm certain that it's better than 'tis here.
What do you see when you take your last breath?
I can't tell you - it's dark in the beir.
Oh, I get high with a little help from my freinds.
Mm, I take lye with a little help from my freinds.
Oo, I'm gonna die with a little help from my freinds.
With a little help from my freinds.
And so this is dinner,
And what have you done?
One table an hour;
It isn't much fun.
And so this is Chi-Chi's -
The Main and the Sun,
The Terrace and Garden,
The Bar and Kitchen.
A very dead Monday,
'Cause nobody's here.
My tips will amount
To nothing I fear.
When I was a lad I had quite a look
To understand directions that the country took.
I read all I could of Vietnam
And I sent a freindly letter to my congressman.
He sent a freindly letter to his congressman.
I doubted US policy
So pretty soon they gave me a lobotomy.
He doubted US policy
So pretty soon they gave him a lobotomy.
As I came of age I stepped to the fore
In deciding that the country would be hurt by war.
I protest marched, I grew a tree.
And I utilized a non-violent philosophy.
He utilized a non-violent philosophy.
My non-violent philosophy
Led them pretty soon to give me a lobotomy.
His non-violent philosophy
Led them pretty soon to give him a lobotomy.
When I got a job I caused quite a stir
By hiring a woman as a manager.
The old boy network did her shun
Said the man we picked's incompetent but he's my son!
The man we picked's incompetent but he's my son!
The old-boy net struck senselessly;
And pretty soon they gave me a lobotomy.
The old-boy net struck senselessly;
And pretty soon they gave him a lobotomy.
At thirty-three I stepped out of caste
By marrying a woman of a different race.
My folks were shocked, but I did not care
For I thought she was intelligent and loved her hair.
He thought she was intelligent and loved her hair.
I loved her hair so much, you see,
That pretty soon they gave me a lobotomy.
He loved her hair so much, you see,
That pretty soon they gave him a lobotomy.
My wont to lend support to human rights
Most quickly got me labeled in the commie fight.
"The evil empire's power is great" -
The Macarthyism doctrinites found me to hate.
Macarthyism doctrinites found him to hate.
I was despised by Macarthy,
So pretty soon they gave me a lobotomy.
He was despised by Macarthy,
So pretty soon they gave him a lobotomy.
On "treason" I was caught and thrown in jail.
My bond, the judges told me, was "Not for sale".
The gaurds were tough, picked many fights -
So I went to see the warden to discuss my rights.
He went to see the warden to discuss his rights.
The warden I wanted to see;
But pretty soon they gave me a lobotomy.
The warden he wanted to see;
But pretty soon they gave him a lobotomy.
So young people all, who've just missed their train,
and who want to see how science can affect their brain.
Back human rights and equality
And they'll notice your a liberal quite soon, you'll see.
They'll notice your a liberal quite soon, you'll see.
Affirm your liberality
And pretty soon they'll give you a lobotomy.
Affirm your liberality
And pretty soon they'll give you a lobotomy.
A testing day; in an air-hole punched container;
I am alone.
Gazing from my T-maze; entrance door is locked -
Does right turn or does left turn get me shocked?
I am a rat; I have my life planned.
I chew wires, I mess up all their data,
That none may calculate.
I have no need of levers - levers cause me pain;
It's tokens and it's pellets I disdain.
I am a rat; I have my life planned.
They gave me germs - my lymph nodes can't protect me;
I am bathed in radiation.
Try to make me sick; (one) shot should do the trick;
I've got the plague and no one touches me.
I am a rat; I have my life planned.
As a rat I feel pain. Oh will lab tests never die?
You know you're being weakened by the light,
There's nothing you can do but fly at night,
But when you're getting hungry you just charm and then take a bite -
It's easy.
You know it's getting darker, drop your cowl,
Another month - this is your night to howl,
And if you meet some townsfolk while you're out on a moonlit prowl -
It's easy.
All you need is blood. (ta, ta, ta na na)
All you need is blood. (ta, ta, ta na na)
All you need is blood, blood -
Blood is all you need.
The villagers around, they've had enough.
The knights who come to fight - they think they're tough.
But when you're feeling cranky you just lean back and give a puff -
It's easy.
All you need is blood. (ta, ta, ta na na)
All you need is blood. (ta, ta, ta na na)
All you need is blood, blood -
Blood is all you need.
The Commie Bunch
Words: Tweedledum
Music: "The Brady Bunch"
Here's the story
Of Marx and Engles,
Who were writing up a very wordy book.
It proclaimed the triumph of
The working classes
If their theory took.
Here's the story
Of a man named Lenin,
Who was busy with rebels of his own.
His Bolsheviks worked all together
But they were all alone.
'Till the one day
When Vlad Lenin got their theory
And he knew that it was much more than a hunch
That his group would .Oh, what a beautiful morniniful day.
I've got a beautiful feeling
Everything's going my way.
Picture yourself in a dark covered alley
At two in the morning when danger abounds.
Somebody jumps you - you tell them you're sorry
And fill them with three hundred rounds.
Isn't it worth being brunt of some mirth
and the occasional fight?
So it is known that you're 'Accident Prone' -
You've the right.
Nancy in the Raid with Ammo
Nancy in the Raid with Ammo
Nancy in the Raid with Ammo
Oooohhhh ...
Picture yourself in a rush on a highway
You're just hitting ninty and blowing through lights.
Somebody's driving and going too slowly
You turn and get them in your sights.
This day is charmed cause you're car is well armed
Waiting to blow them away
Let off a shot just to show them you're hot
Join the fray.
Nancy in the Raid with Ammo
Nancy in the Raid with Ammo
Nancy in the Raid with Ammo
Oooohhhh ...
Didn't you know there are commies right near you
Hoping to weaken the 'Home of the Brave'.
Wait 'till your dead then they'll forge on around you -
Just put in land mines on your grave.
You bear the brunt - you're just miles from the front -
And the whole neigborhood's scared.
You'll not hold back when they start to attack -
You're prepared.
Napalming the Russian Army
Napalming the Russian Army
Napalming the Russian Army
Oooohhhh ...
Hack!
I wanna play forever -
Learn what to eat not to die
try!
I gotta reach the next level -
People who knew me just cry.
Hack!
I'm gonna make it to Yendor -
Stabbing this orc in the back.
Hack!
I'm gonna live forever -
Only there's ghosts on my track.
dismember
dismember
dismember
Hack!
There's a mist rising up from the meadow;
There's a fog rising up from the meadow.
My dogs and my ferrets all from it have shied -
I've heard nothing but screaming since i've been inside
Oh what a horrible story -
Oh what a murderous night.
Must it be so bloody gory
Just to give everyone fright.
There's a shuffling sound in the graveyard;
From the place where my father was murdered.
I just bought a ouija board - nothing too fey -
But I swear that the body was here yesterday!
Oh what a horrible story -
Oh what a murderous night.
Must it be so bloody gory
Just to give everyone fright.
Sing-Sing a jail.
This what happens when others find your trail.
Society has mores enough that anyone can fail -
Thus Sing-Sing a jail.
Da da n da da n da da n da da n da da da da da daa
Da da n da da n da da n da da n da da da da da daa
Sing-Sing a cell -
One small murder; I'm locked in here as well.
But Milton did not warn enough - we have to serve in hell;
In Sing-Sing a cell.
Da da n da da n da da n da da n da da da da da daa
Da da n da da n da da n da da n da da da da da daa
Sing-Sing a chair
Pure or evil - in here they do not care.
Just question if there's charge enough; for death - it is not fair
Through Sing-Sing a chair.
Da da n da da n da da n da da n da da da da da daa
Da da n da da n da da n da da n da da da da da daa
Well how do you do, old Moggy the Cat?
I just noticed you landed where I almost sat.
Do you mind if I push you a bit to the side?
I've been driving all day on the road where you died.
You've been squashed like some butterfly pressed between glass.
Were you hit by a truck that was moving too fast?
Did he slam on the brake as he saw you go past?
Or, Moggy the Cat, did he step on the gas?
Chorus: Did he honk the horn loudly?
Did you stand your ground proudly?
Did a shadow fall o'er ya as the truck mowed you down?
Did your eyes glow in that fleeting darkness?
Did the birds come and pick at your carcass?
The ground squirrels and mice all seem happy today.
The butterflies frolic, and the hummingbirds play.
A mockingbird sits there composing a dirge,
'Til he finally yields to his scavenger urge.
The robins and sparrows all join in the feast,
In their joyous relief that the terror has ceased.
And the birds dance around you, not sad in the least,
Like the Munchkins danced over the Witch of the East.
(Chorus)
Old Moggy the Cat, I still wonder why
You road kills look so damned surprised when you die.
Did you think that some animal spirit survives?
Did you really believe that you cats have nine lives?
Well, if that is true, this is live Number Ten
Getting ever more flat, spinning 'round now and then,
As the cars run you over again and again,
And again and again and again and again.
(Chorus)
Twas bergen and the erie road
Did mahwah into patterson:
All jersey were the ocean groves,
And the red bank bayonne.
"Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
The teeth that bite, the nails that claw!
Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
The kearney communipaw."
He took his belmar blade in hand:
Long time the folsom foe he sought,
Till rested he by a bayway tree
And stood a while in thought.
And, as in nutley thought he stood,
The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
Came whippany through the englewood,
And garfield as it came.
One, two, one, two, and through and through
The belmar blade went hackensack!
He left it dead and with its head
He went weehawken back.
"And has thou slain the Hopatcong?
Come to my arms my perth amboy!
Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
He caldwell in his joy.
Twas bergen and the erie road
Did mahwah into patterson:
All jersey were the ocean groves,
And the red bank bayonne.